Hi. Can I have a self indulgent thread please? Really need it.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Some of you will have seen me around. Christ, Ive been on MN long enough.

Ive had a really traumatic 8 weeks, causing me to put on 20lbs ish. Now, Im a big girl anyway, but I feel vile now. I snore, sweat, dont fit my clothes.

Im 26 years old, 5'7". 175lb tonight
I was 110lb 4 years ago. Underweight due to eating issues, but my god I was hot!

Gave up 40 a day fag habit, and weight has piled on.

Doesnt help Im wearing a 34JJ bra so I look enormous.

I have bipolar, and severe depression. Have had an emotionally abusive exH (weight related abuse), and even resorted to plastic surgery. I hate myself, basically.

I NEED to get to 130lb. Id be so so happy, I know it. Its my only real battle in life

I cant do it, I know I cant. But I have to try, I cant keep crying every day.

Today I have had roast beef, lots of hard cheese, chicken wings, water, pepsi max and vodka and diet lemonade.

Please can I use this thread as like a diary? I need help.
Please, help.

No I don't think it can be that simple. To actually HATE your body because you believe it is less sexually attractive (to certain people) is crazy. Your looks are simply not that important. If you focus more on making yourself and life happier then you don't need to hate yourself.

Thants I don't think you understand. Despite ideals and the best intentions some peoples self esteem is tied up in how they look and how they feel. OP has mentioned a serious smoking habit (that she's now quit), a bottle of wine an evening...is this an acceptable alternative to a low carb diet?

Atkins is definitely a diet extremely low in carbohydrates, but it goes in phases. At each phase dieters can add more carborific foods back into their diet. Once op is at the point of eating lots of veg, lots of healthy fats, some protein, and a handful of berries it's actually one of the healthiest diets going. It's easy to stick to because you're not starving. It gets results because you're not dicking about with your glucose/insulation by eating grains.

The op is unhappy, for many reasons beyond her control. As long as she's sensible (which I think she is) then why not do this? It is a positive step.

To those who are critical, what exactly is your problem?

thants very many people put on weight due to emotional eating. Taking control of that can very often be the path back to feeling better and more in control of everything else that also feels like it is spiralling out of control in your life. Everyone is here is supporting the OP and trying to help her feel better, as far as I can tell you are the only one not doing that.

Those of us that do eat low carb, know that it gives you energy, makes you feel less bloated and generally less tired and generally better all round. Frankly that is going to help the OP with any self esteem issues you feel she may have and it seems to me that you can feel how much better she feels already so why don't you just leave her be?

So admittedly on Saturday I weighed myself in my pjs, in the evening. 175lb (digital scales)

This morning, thought Id take a little look. 168lb

So, I know its all bollocks as evening weight is always going to be heavier than morning, but still....

Wow. You sound so much like me!

I will only say this once, and briefly, because I don't want to harp on at you but I do feel it does need to be said:

Losing weight and being thin will only make you happy if it is SUSTAINABLY ACHIEVED. Otherwise, you will never be happy because you will constantly be terrified of it 'coming back'. Please just keep this in the back of your mind.

Ok, now on with the good stuff! Here are my absolute rules for you:

1. No sweet things! Not only no sugar, but also no sweeteners of any kind, not even stevia. No berries (for the time being), no diet soda, no jelly, nothing. The sensation of sweetness WILL fuck with your ability to sense your own satiety. REAL food only!

1. Eat three meals a day at the same time every day, keep your portions moderate (even on low carb it still matters a bit). Do not skip meals, it WILL fuck you up. Relatedly, practise leaving something on your plate at every meal. Put it in the fridge to have for your next meal, or chuck it.

1. Drink 3lt water a day. Just do it!

1. Educate yourself! As others have mentioned Marks Daily Apple is a great first reference point. Read The Primal Blueprint! Learn why conventional diets are fucking poisonous and terrible for you. Learn to really value your body by feeding it bloody good food; meat, fats, lovely veggies, eggs, a little flaxseed, coconut products etc etc. But again, nothing sweet! Over time plain coconut milk or oil will taste incredibly sweet to you, as will veggies.

1. Do weights! Lift heavy things. Learn to be proud of your body because of how strong and functional it is, not just what it looks like.

Alright I will shut the fuck now. Sorry to be evangelical, but I just recognise so much of myself in your post (history of losing/gaining, bipolar, abusive past, used to be hot! etc) The above is what has worked for me. Hopefully a bit of it might be useful.

Glad the scales are going in the right direction for you!

Well done monkey, glad things are going the way you hoped!

Argh, stressful day with my washing machine breaking down at 10am.

But, by 2pm I had a nice new one installed and the old one gone

Just eating a pack of chicken wings, yummy. Had 2 bottles of water today too.

Blimey that was quick work monkey!

Ahem.

Wine, vodka, port, xmas5 course dinner, buffet tea, cake, chocolates, matchmakers......

Ah well, feckin awesome xmas!

Back on carb free on Friday. Finding it easy and effective.

Good advice from Grokette.

Sounds lovely monkey - you've mad me smile with your positive posts! Merry Christmas!

You sound so much more upbeat Monkey! Glad you enjoyed your day

Having a bit of a 'Im so disgusting' wobble. But the glass of wine in my hand is helping cheer me up

I think I would have felt sad if Christmas had been carb free, so Im still ok with my two day binge. And as my DH said, Im still less bloated now than I was when I started a few days ago.

Hope you have all had wonderful xmasses too. Will need a hand hold in the foreseeable future I think!

Always a hand to hold here, monkeyfacegrace!

The next Bootcamp starts on 13 Jan - but if you join us on the ongoing thread, there's an unofficial 'return' on 6 Jan!

Snap - also here for hand holding monkey. You know from those few days before how much better you felt, and how quickly you felt better. 48 hours time and you'll be on top of the world again.

Im back

I havent joined bootcamp as the threads just move too fast for me. I cant keep up!

Well, xmas I struggled. Too much going on.

So I started a fresh on Jan 1st. I was 175lb.
Im finding it so easy. I cant give up my pepsi max, so still drinking 1-2l a day.
But, Ive started buying a huge joint once a week. This gives me a 2kg slab of pork/beef etc to last for 3days ish between our family of four. Ive also started getting weekly organic veg boxes from the local farm. Admittedly Ive had some carrots and squash, but not huge amounts.

The rest of my food is chicken wings/legs/thighs, that I roast each morning, and leave in the fridge for daily snack/lunches. Eggs too. And I have boughta butterdish and only have fresh butter and olive oil in thehouse.

Yesterday I weighed in at 163lb
But this morning I was 168lb

Not sure what that mean. Still feel huge, but certainly my body much be healthier now, so thats a good thing.

The Pepsi needs to go, I'm sure you know that. Can you limit yourself to 1 litre a day as a first step?

Are you eating enough fat?

And you really, really should be ditching the Pepsi Max. Have a read of this

What about water? How much of that are you drinking?

... and your weight will fluctuate daily. That's quite natural. But you won't have gained 5lbs of fat overnight! If you're going to weigh every day than you will have to get used to the fact that sometimes the scales will show an increase - especially around the time of your period

Im having loads of fat- skin on chicken, cheese, butter, pork crackling.

Ive tried harder today, have had 2l of water and only 2 glasses of coke!

Period wise, Im sort of just tail end of one I think. Hard to tell as its been 3 weeks since ERPC so unsure what my cycles are doing.

Dinner tonight is roast pork, sprouts in butter, and cabbage.

Bacon and eggs for brekkie, cant wait!

Argh, Im still not losing weight!

Am drinking 3l of water (sugar free squash, fizzy and still bottled) a day.
Am down to 1l of Pepsi Max a day.

Am never hungry, feel like Im eating loads.

Please tell me it'll just take time. Feel like giving in and destroying some chocolate but I cant

Don't do it!! Back away from the chocolate

I am the same height and you and started calorie counting on the 4th of jan. I weighed myself last week and had lost weight and as of the 11th was 12 stone and 6lbs so the same as you

You are on the right track, keep it up

grace, you've made loads of fantastic changes but you really, really need to try dropping the squash and the Pepsi. There is a theory that for some people artificial sweeteners do provoke an insulin reaction in the body, just the same as real sugar does, so your body keeps on storing the fat. Surely it's got to be worth dropping them, at least for a couple of weeks, just to see if it makes a difference?

Anecdotally, every person (male or female) I've ever known who had weight problems was addicted to diet drinks. It's always the thing that people hang onto for dear life when they try to change their eating habits, but diet Pepsi is just a nutritional nightmare and doing you no good at all!

Why don't you pop over to the Bootcamp threads? They do run fast but they're very supportive.

monkeyface - I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself, if you're only 3 weeks post-op.

(But definitely ditch the Pepsi Max!)