Defeating emotional eating

[OldBooks]

It seems like several of us doing Bootcamp struggle with eating for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with hunger ... boredom, tiredness, stress, upset, and even when happy or celebrating.

I thought a thread where we can share experiences, resources and tips might help us stop self-sabotaging and increase our Bootcamp success. Just because cream is a bootcamp approved food doesn't mean you should eat a whole pot in one go because you had a crap day ...

I started a thread about this a while back so I will repost my story:
^Background (apologies for length): I have been a 'big girl' ever since I hit puberty, diagnosed with PCOS in my late teens. I seem to settle at size 16-18 and usually weigh around 90-100 kilos. I am now in my 30s and have just had DD2 which has obviously affected my tummy and I look flabbier than ever. I have lost weight in the past on low-carb diets or on 5:2 but always get derailed and never manage to maintain any loss.

My mother is a classic narcissist and we have a difficult relationship. One of her biggest sticking points is my weight. She herself is vain and insecure and constantly references her weight, what she is eating, how she needs to exercise etc. She grabs her tummy and says how disgusting she looks. This is almost a game or a habit as she never actually does anything to address it. Ever since I started to gain weight in my teens she has commented on it, screamed and shouted at me to lose weight, been extremely negative etc to the point of giving me a huge complex, shredding my self esteem/confidence and leaving me with disordered thoughts around food and eating. Of course she never actually helped me to take any positive steps to lose weight or begin exercising, and I have come to understand that in a way she actually wants me to be overweight as it reduces my threat to her vanity and she has sabotaged me to ensure I stay big, eg always bringing cakes/biscuits when she visits. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and have found my negative thinking about my appearance has affected my life, especially before I met my DH. For example missing a friend's wedding because I thought I looked hideous in all my outfits.

I was always a 'good girl', no drinking, smoking, boys and successful academically - eating was my only 'vice'. I comfort eat a lot, when I am stressed, sad, angry, bored etc I immediately crave sweet foods. I have only been able to maintain dieting/healthy eating during stable and stress free periods of my life, as soon as there is any difficulty I want to eat eat eat again. I also began to self harm in my teens and will still do so in extremis - I think that overeating and ruining my health by doing so is a form of self harm and fits with that mindset. But ironically I harm myself most over my weight, eg I once carved 'fat cow' into my stomach with a pair of scissors.

Now I have 2 daughters I am terrified of passing on my thoughts about my body image and eating to them. I want them to see me maintaining a healthy lifestyle, eating well with treats in moderation, exercising for pleasure and being positive, dressing well and taking care of myself no matter my size. But it is so hard to implement. I know how to eat healthily and about nutrition and what is good for me as a woman with PCOS. I know it will be beneficial to my long term health to eat a low carb, low sugar diet and maintain that. I know that my negative thoughts about my body and my low self esteem come from my mother. But I can't make myself stop thinking these negative thoughts. I can't approach a healthy lifestyle in a positive way, as a good thing I am doing for myself and my family. I feel resentful of the PCOS, deprived and sulky. I spiral into self-abusive comments, call myself useless, a failure, a waste of space. I fantasize about cutting my tummy.

How do I address the gap between what my rational mind understands (these negative thoughts come from my upbringing, a healthy lifestyle will be beneficial) and what my emotional self feels (waaaaa I want the cake it's not fair, why can't I have the cake, I shouldn't have the cake, just eat the cake, now look you fat bitch you've eaten the cake, you can't do anything right)?

It is so exhausting thinking about food constantly. I want to eat, I shouldn't eat, what can I eat... I just want to break this cycle and think about food normally!^

I recognise that, Oldbooks to notice and then to 'rubbish' a NSV. I think it helps when you can notice yourself doing it. For me, it's important to not let my expectations run too far ahead of reality, to avoid big disappointments, possibly followed by a carby-twat binge. I like to keep 'official' NSVs which I make a written note of. I'm currently tracking what size trousers I fit into. Whenever I am wondering whether I am making any progress, I look up that list and reassure myself. Anything else I notice, I don't worry about too much whether its real or just the item stretching.

Reading these threads, I'm noticing how much more difficult everything is, when not getting enough sleep. Is that having any impact on you?

I know exactly what you mean, Old books. I'm finding it harder because I haven't been able to weigh with being away. My bra needed tightened 'pah, it's stretched'. My bra cups aren't full 'I'm just getting saggier'. My bikini bottoms slipped down in the pool 'that's what they do, isn't it?' Trousers are loose this week 'linen stretches'. Etc etc.

Yorkshire I joined too but have not managed to stick with it
certainly it's emotional for me. plus lack of mobility / oramorph (never realised it was sugary)

Finally, ilove, it's interesting isn't it? I think I am setting myself up for failure almost as a protective mechanism. After all I have never lost weight and kept it off before. So attributing looser clothes to laundry reinforces my internal narrative of failure.

Having said that I am pleased tonight as after a bit of a nightmare bedtime I was desperate to eat something 'naughty'. No lchf friendly stuff in the house as I am trying to control my double cream and dark chocolate habit. Opened cupboard and looked longingly at DH's biscuit stash. Reminded myself over and over that it wouldn't solve my stress, that I would feel shit afterwards, physically and mentally, and that a few Morrison's own malted milks were not worth coming out of ketosis for. Eventually calmed down

Ohh well done oldbooks I'm sure we must get stronger and better at doing it, the less we 'give in' to the 'winging toddler' voice. Wish I could lend you a copy of 'eating less': the analysis of our drive to be 'naughty' and sabotage our own best efforts was an eye opener for me.

Combined with the hold carbs have on me, I had been yoyo dieting for years. LCHF has given me space to listen to and then even laugh off my own winging toddler voice, exactly as you did, by reminding myself of my real motivations. The urge to naughtiness is just a reaction to feeling that I am being forced to do something against my own will. The feeling when I stick to 'what i really want' is such powerful one. Hurrah.

What do you do when food is your cooing mechanism but you are trying to address that? I still need a coping mechanism! Last night the DDs were both screaming, DH was out, and I felt so stressed. Usually I would be grabbing a biscuit or something and shoving it down barely tasted but I suppose the act of stuffing food down is symbolic of stuffing emotions down? Anyway last night for the first time I didn't want food as my automatic stress response. Unfortunately I went straight to my other stress response which is to hurt myself. I had to really battle the urge by telling myself it wouldn't help, but it was hard why can't I have a healthy coping mechanism?

Actually, what IS a healthy coping mechanism?!?

Hey OldBooks, we've talked a little on BC and I'm really sorry you have all this to deal with too. I have a slightly similar story with a history of hidden ED and a bit of self harm. A lot of mine was sublimated into gruelling exercise but fortunately or unfortunately that's not an option now I have kids!

I just popped along to ask if when you are feeling twitchy whether something like a plank challenge (holding plank position, like the top of a push up) would work for you? It is challenging and takes no special clothing or space, it hurts, but will create a few endorphins to lift your mood. Or some kind of yoga pose or power pose while the moment passes?

So for example (don't laugh; I have done this), standing in power pose when you are staring down that biscuit cupboard. It will increase your feeling of control and authority, just by changing your body pose.

Or for that matter watch a 15 minute TED Talk on empowerment or feeling shame or whatever you need that day. Anything that is an easy distraction.

Just a thought; some of these things work for me, on top of cognitive techniques like forcing yourself to say positive and kind things to yourself. You deserve it

nameless those are really good ideas, thank you! I am getting lots better at tackling the picking at food in bored moments urge, it's those moments of high stress that I find hard when I want a quick reset of my mental state. A power pose or yoga pose might be just the thing!

Sorry you are going through this, Oldbooks. A power pose or yoga pose sounds like a great idea.

I have found Gillian Rile's approach very helpful, eatingless.com Before reading this, I had expected that my self esteem would be high once I had control of my eating and was a healthy weight. Gillian suggests that the line of causality is actually the other way round, that eating well supports our self esteem. I have this book on my kindle (and as an audio book) and find myself often referring to it. A friend mentioned that she had found a copy in a local library. It helps time to find the space for a decision on what to eat that isn't driven by that terrible feeling that Something really, really bad will happen if I don't eat right immediately.

Finding LCHF has really supported me, too, with the 'hungry/angry', ravenous feelings, which used to feature, especially if I haven't keep up with drinking water. I noticed recently that having previously kept to non-type of diet advice, Gillian has recently added a note on insulin resistance which does lean a tad towards LCHF. Hope you find the website useful, anyway.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_591b1b5be4b07d5f6ba66bbb?ir=UK&ncid=fcbklnkukhpmg00000001

Some very positive messages here

Just marking my place ... emotional rafting is definitely a problem for me. I'll read through the thread ...

emotional eating ! Not really worried about the emotional rafting .... lol

user!

I am planning to do some research into dealing with saboteurs and share it here. I was really disappointed at the weekend with my cousin who has just lost 4 stone with SW. She knows I am on a woe but gave us a huge bar of Chocolate and told DH repeatedly to make sure I had some as a treat. Wtf? Thanks for the support

I really could do with some help Struggling so much with emotional eating. I know a low carb diet works for me, I've lost a stone in the past that way. But I'm unhappy and finding it difficult at the moment. Everyone around me doesn't understand, there's always cake on offer or my bf wants chips from the chippy .. and i just can't say no! At that moment it doesn't seem important ... then everything seems hopeless and I just carry on eating crap again. I know no one can do this for me .. But I can't seem to stick to a healthy diet.

I've now got 2.5 stone to lose. I think the menopause and/ or hrt aren't helping plus the anti depressants I take. They're not really helping my depression so I might as well stop taking them. Numerous physical ailments mean jogging, running, even walking much, swimming are out of the question. And my bf is here 24/7 right now and for various reasons I dont want to ask him not to be (complicated!)

I know it sounds easy to change .. But it's all making me more stressed and depressed.

Please don't tell me just to get a grip .. if it was that simple I would have already done so. Just wondering if anyone's in the same boat and found a way of coping?

Hi user. Sounds tough at the moment. I think many of us have been where we can't see a way out. One suggestion someone made during last bootcamp was think of every day as the first day. It doesn't matter what's gone before, today you're going to start getting it right. Also if you've not already done so I suggest reading through the bootcamp rules. They are clear and simple and may help you to see a way through. Also read the boot camp threads. Lots of insight into other people's experiences there.

Was only thinking about this last night. I don't smoke, drink (odd glass now & then) or do drugs (experimented in 20s, just a little). Chowing cake seems to be my vice of choice.
When I was younger, I got away with it by being slim anyway (thanks, youth!) & spells of bulimia when I thought I was fat.
Now I'm a couple of stone overweight. I've been in a terrible sugar rampage since my recent miscarriage. Literally eating my feelings. And u feel terrible...

I know what you mean about getting a grip, User. A few times over the last few months, I've said "right, this is it" and it hasn't been... For some reason I need this downtime. But I also need for it to stop soon!

Thanks for understanding and to everyone struggling.

Today I've been ok, I haven't had anything sweet. But it's my birthday in ten days and various other family birthdays, there'll be lots of cake everywhere and no one understands when I say I'm not eating cake at the moment (but I know for a fact the same people talk about and judge overweight people they know, probably including me).

I'm staying up late tonight as I'm taking my dd to get an early coach in the morning (5 a.m.!) and I'm trying to work out if I'm hungry or just fancying something. I made a nice crustless quiche earlier and I had a tiny slice earlier instead of chocolate.

Thinking of every day as the first day is a good idea.

I've been following the bootcamp and even started with the most recent one but fell by the wayside ... because of a birthday party .. dp is from a large family and there's always some party and only pizza, sandwiches and cake to eat.

Anyway thanks for the support.

Juicy sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I started eating so much chocolate after my dad died two years ago .. crazy thing is it doesn't even help really ... I'm sure it's addictive too as I can't have just one piece. I always want more straight away ...

It's like I have short term memory problems too... I feel so much better cutting out carbs, no stomach pain, no IBS, no bloating ... But none of that seems important when I fancy a piece of chocolate or cake ... I make notes on my phone to remind myself but I don't look at them at the crucial time!

Your first post has really resonated with me. My mum has always had such an obsession with food and weight and it's rubbed off on me. I now have a daughter and really don't want to continue that cycle! The first time she met my OH she told him all about how when I was young and she made herself ill by taking laxatives to try to lose weight. When I was a teenager and had a sickness bug she accused me of having an eating disorder because she was paranoid I had picked up her behaviour. I have struggled with my weight for a long time. I've tried all the fad diets. Because I've seen my mum do them all. She's always been big. Will lost a stone, gain 2. She binge eats. I picked up a lot of bad habits. But once I had my daughter, I decided to do it the right way. Ate sensibly. Counted the calories I knew I was supposed to eat and got my butt down the gym. Now I've learnt to be kind to myself. If I have a bad day, I start again tomorrow. I don't religiously exercise. I use the gym as an excuse to have time to myself! It's a change in my mind set. I've stopped obsessing about what I eat. And I've maintained a size 12 for the last 2 years. I've learned to love myself. Stretch marks, wobbly bits and all. Just be kind to yourself. I don't weigh myself anymore. I go by the feel of my clothes. Weighing myself became an obsession and I would binge if I had worked hard and not seen a change in the scales. I urge you to ditch them! Btw, I was a size 20 after I had my daughter. I gave myself a year to get down to a 12 and although I would still love to be a skinny little thing, I'm happy I've maintained a realistic size. I really hope that none of this has come off as bragging. What I'm trying to get across is that nothing worked until I changed my mindset to stop obsessing over diets and weight. Take it easy. Make realistic goals. And don't be too hard on yourself.

I don't weigh myself either ... if I stayed the same or put on weight I'd just binge on stuff because I felt down. Now I only weigh myself rarely.
I find it difficult to like myself .. I'm surrounded by dps skinny family and hear what they say about others ... people being Big when they're a size 14 ... they judge people by their size.

user my heart aches for you reading your post. May I suggest that you simply aren't ready to change your woe? You seem very unhappy with a lot going on, and you are putting more pressure on yourself to diet and then 'failing' and therefore giving yourself something else to feel crap about. It is all horribly familiar to me and a horrible cycle to be trapped in.

If you don't feel your antidepressants are working please see your GP to discuss other options. An adjustment of dose or a different type may help. Can you have some talking therapy or cbt to help you get your head straight?

Otherwise there are a few things to try. Starting each day as the first day is a great idea. Try not to be hard on yourself if you do eat something 'bad'. Instead say that you will start again, put it behind you.

If you feel the urge to eat something, try pausing and thinking "am I actually hungry for food right now?" Sometimes you are, sometimes you are trying to use food to deal with an emotional need. If you are really physically hungry then you will eat anything. If you are stood in front of the fridge saying "oh, I fancy something sweet" then it's probably an emotional craving. Drink a hot mug of tea. While you drink it think about what emotion you are trying to fix with food. Say to yourself "if hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution". Or say "I am feeling like eating because I feel sad about my health. Eating isn't actually going to make that better". You might struggle to listen to yourself but if you keep trying the technique you will get better at it. It has taken me most of the last BC to get the hang of it and I am still not perfect but it has really helped my emotional eating.

juicy I gained 30 lbs after I had a miscarriage. Be kind to yourself, it's a horrible experience. grief counseling actually helped me a lot. I felt like people thought I should get over it very quickly, that it's just one of those things etc. Talking to someone who validated my feelings and helped me work through them was helpful.

Oh user I meant to talk about the in-laws and their food offerings. I could suggest ideas like taking your own food or filling up on a big lchf meal before you go. But really it won't help unless you learn to think "screw you lot, saboteurs!" I might be projecting here but I am pretty sure my DM offers me rubbish foods while simultaneously telling me how fat I am because she likes me being fat as the comparison makes her feel better about herself. Could something similar be going on here? Think about how sad their lives are that they use size as a judgement of people. Not intelligence or friendliness or kindness or funniness or interestingness or any one of s hundred more meaningful ways to judge a person. If offered something you don't want to eat just politely refuse and if pressed then you are being careful about certain foods to see if they might be triggering health problems.