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Original poster

prejudice at work?

76 replies

single1ds · 04/07/2010 13:59

Hi
I have worked part-time since going back to work from maternity.I was then with h and this fitted what we wanted at the time.
anyway husband left 1 year ago and i have continued to work the same hours and kept son in nursery the same hours.i now get more tax credits and am just surviving financially as h is still paying mortgage, although depending if we go through with divorce this will not continue obviously.Prior to son i have always worked full time.i am now 33.
anyway,my problem is this;
i have comments from collegues at work when i am leaving like "it must be nice".
a person who is with her partner says "well, i do x, y, z to fit around childcare so i can do more hours"
financially i would be worse off if i increased my hours.
am i taking this too personally? i am just fed up of young girls without children passing comment when they dont know the situation. should i just be more assertive and answer back or just ignore it until they get bored?

OP posts:
foureleven · 08/07/2010 08:22

Valium, He didnt to begin with but yes he does now. (actaully theres a long story which the basics of are that for the first year after he left he didnt contribute, now he does, but that will stop in Dec because of his personal circumstances i.e. that he is moving far away and with another woman and her children)

But I fail to see how that will effect whether I can work full time or not...

If someone can take their child to a child minder on a Monday and work a whole day then pick them up and take them home, why can this not be acheived on the 4 other days of the week?

We clearly have different ideas about entitlement to help from the government.

Theres not much point in argueing over those views because neither of us will think the other is right.

valiumSingleton · 08/07/2010 08:37

Yes that's true. You only see things through your own eyes. If I did this, everybody else can/should.

My children effectively lost their father and they were uprooted to a new area. Putting them into childcare immediately five days a week would have been the wrong thing to do for them. And me. I needed time to get over what happened. You dealt with it all well enough to work but not everybody does. Not every's situation is the same as yours. Some people need help and they shouldn't be judged for that.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 08:50

yes, I think I mentioned that if people were fit and healthy and didnt need the help they should work. I have never said that will be everyone.

There are many very happy secure women living comfortable happy lives who make this choice, that is what I am saying I dont agree with as I think I have made quite clear.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 08:52

No view or opinion is going to be applicable to everyone.. But unless everytime I spoke my mind I gave a detailed list of each and every circumstance that it wouldnt apply to, Im always going to leave something out. I speak about the majority... not you.

wasntalwaysclueless · 08/07/2010 09:00

May I add, my child stays with his father at weekend, therefore if I worked full time, I would only get to see him for an hour before bedtime most evenings. I did not have a child to do this. I would feel like someone else would be bringing up MY child.

If I worked full time (my profession is not well payed) I would be no better off than working 3 days and receiving tax credits. Why would anyone in their right mind not accept help that would allow them to spend time with their child whilst they are small.

I am currently at uni part time therefore am hoping not to be in this financial predicament long term. But for now, it works well. I am 'living a comfortable happy life'as much as being a single parent, where responsibility can weigh heavy and juggling money is a constant worry allows.
thank you!

Bonsoir · 08/07/2010 09:06

foureleven - your opinion is not that of the government. The government quite willingly supports the OP's decision to work part-time and spend more time with her child. You are being unnecessarily harsh.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 09:18

Bonsoir, I have lots of opinions that differ from the government!

wasntalwaysclueless If you worked full time would you not mayve change your arrangements so you had alternate weekends?

valiumSingleton · 08/07/2010 09:20

But it's not reasonable to judge people for availing of a system that the government supports. And you said higher up in the thread that you do.

Bonsoir · 08/07/2010 09:21

"But it's not reasonable to judge people for availing of a system that the government supports."

Exactly

foureleven · 08/07/2010 09:24

I do what Valium?

I have lots of views on why the governement support this by the way which are incredibly long winded and would probably bore you to tears.

Just an eg. They set the hours so low (16 hours) so that anyone who works this is taken off the 'unemployed' list even though they actually cost the governemt a lot.

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 09:50

Foureleven - you seem to be guilt ridden at leaving your DD at such a young age and are attacking other peoples decisions to justify your own feelings

Babies only need nappies changing FFS

Bonsoir · 08/07/2010 10:05

It is perfectly reasonable to disagree with government policy.

It is not reasonable to criticise individuals for availing of the support the government provides for them because you disagree with the policy.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 10:32

dryyoureyesmate, did you name change for that delightful personal atttack and assumtion on my 'guilt' at leaving my DD?

I dont have any more guilt than the odd flicker that im sure all working mums have from time to time thanks.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 10:33

I didnt say babies only need nappies changing did I?

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 10:43

Foureleven
No I didnt name change to reply to you

My assumtions are based on what you have posted about your situation

I gave my honest opinion on this thread, not a biased view to make myself feel better about myself

OP
I think you should ignore anyone who makes snide remarks in work and enjoy the time you have with your DS

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 12:40

yes you did actually

By foureleven Tue 06-Jul-10 13:13:54

But as an aside, for when youre feeling better; in my opinion I am happy I worked all those hours when she was a baby because honestly she only needed her nappy changing

foureleven · 08/07/2010 13:01

Yawn, I?ve said a hundred times now that OP shouldn?t feel bad. Her first post didn?t mention that she was suffering from depression, as soon as I knew I apologized and agreed that she should work part time or whatever she needed until she felt better.

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 13:31

Yawn indeed

foureleven · 08/07/2010 13:59

And to quote correctly...

But as an aside, for when youre feeling better; in my opinion I am happy I worked all those hours when she was a baby because honestly she only needed her nappy changing, being fed and a stimulation environment when she was cared for and safe. And my totally fabulous childminder provided that

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 14:19

I disagreed with a most of the things you said and I could quote them all again in bold if you want

but I expect it would be pointless

duckonthepond · 08/07/2010 14:53

Hi single, just ignore your unhelpful colleagues and be confident in the knowledge that you are doing the best you can for your dc. I am sure that he really benefits from the time you spend with him.

I think that as lone parents we spend enough time beating ourselves up about the life we give our children and work issues, without former LPs doing it too. I would like to work but I haven't yet found a part time job. Without tax credits the cost of paying for childcare for two would mean that I would make no money at all. What would be the point of me working then, as it is certainly not the best option for my dcs? They have already had to move area and barely see their father and I think that they need stability right now. On the other hand, I want to work to try to ensure that my career prospects do not suffer too much for when I am able to work full time again.

Perhaps I could find a full time job in my field at the moment, but what sort of life would I offer my dcs (who are under two)? Pre-children, I used to work 60 hour weeks doing loads of work at home and at weekends. The thought of my dcs having so little of my time and spending all day in childcare does not seem fair on them. If their father was around, things would be different, but I feel that they are already lacking adult attention. I am constantly stressed out about what is the best thing to do regarding work and am sure that many lone parents feel the same way.

If other people want to make sweeping judgements about the 'many very happy secure women living comfortable happy lives'(where are all of these LPs as I haven't met many?)who work only 16 hours a week when they shouldn't be, then that is up to them. Personally, I am trying to do the best I can to put my dcs first and to work out the best future for all of us.

foureleven · 08/07/2010 15:03

DryYourEyesMate - yes dont bother thanks. Atleast that way you wont miss quote me again.

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 16:02

Foureleven

I didnt mis quote you

you implied children dont need mothers with them when they are babies

I disagree

foureleven · 08/07/2010 18:36

Yes I did say that... but I didnt say they only needed their nappies changing, that was the misquote.

And babies dont need their mothers with them all day. Its some peoples preference to be with their babies all day and thats fine if they can fund that choice (or they are not given a choice because they are not able to work through ill health, or unhappy children, or inability to find a full time job) but if they cant fund the choice then IMO it is not an automatic right.

I was working, I can multi-task. Plus ive put in about 45 hours already this week so thank you but I am satisfied I have done my 'civic duty' suffciently enough to have provided financially for my own family as well as other peoples.

Original poster
single1ds · 08/07/2010 21:15

hi,back again and suprised at the amount of reaction this has caused! when foureleven first replied to me when i first posted, i started to beat myself up again,but i do feel a lot better now that others support my views and what i am doing as it is bst for me at the moment. i think any mother will feel guilt at some time or another as that shows you care. i remember a midwife saying to me when i first had ds and was suffering really bad PND to treat it "like a job", to some extent yes but you have to feel aswell otherwise children can pick up on that. babies dont need their mothers there ALL day i agree, in fact i think it is good to have a break for both baby and mother, but for me in childcare all day Monday to Friday pre-school is not what i want for my child. i have photos and memories that simply would not be there if i went to work full time. when he is at school fair enough, will increase hours, as i said i want to also study in the meantime. i have had a "career" job working in IT, doing the corporate crap, business travel, company credit card, flexi work and working for home blah blah. To be honest i dont want to go back to that anyway, but perhaps teaching, when this difficult time pans out... at the end of the day when it comes down to it, everyone would put their family first, regardless of the wider society, even MPs i am sure if it is a temporary solution.

OP posts:
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