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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

prejudice at work?

76 replies

single1ds · 04/07/2010 13:59

Hi
I have worked part-time since going back to work from maternity.I was then with h and this fitted what we wanted at the time.
anyway husband left 1 year ago and i have continued to work the same hours and kept son in nursery the same hours.i now get more tax credits and am just surviving financially as h is still paying mortgage, although depending if we go through with divorce this will not continue obviously.Prior to son i have always worked full time.i am now 33.
anyway,my problem is this;
i have comments from collegues at work when i am leaving like "it must be nice".
a person who is with her partner says "well, i do x, y, z to fit around childcare so i can do more hours"
financially i would be worse off if i increased my hours.
am i taking this too personally? i am just fed up of young girls without children passing comment when they dont know the situation. should i just be more assertive and answer back or just ignore it until they get bored?

OP posts:

MollieO · 05/07/2010 00:28

I'm a lawyer but unfortunately work in a very male-dominated area of law. If I'd thought more about family stuff when I was training I'd have done family or employment law instead!

I also think only one year is early days. It does take time to develop a thick skin. I've been at it 6 years now and there are still times that comments get to me. There are worst things in life than being a single parent.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 07:59

valiumsingleton, I dont think anyone begrudges help to those who need it. If they do then its a very sad state of affairs and those who do should realise that it could be them one day.

All I begrudge is happy, fit, well and able people who take the view of 'why should I work full time when I can work part time and top up my money with tax credits and have the same money at the end of the day' Those people are selfish and take money from those who really need it i.e. people like yourself and single1ds...

And as I said, I have been there and had to make the choice as to whether to work and have less money and I took it because its my social responsibility to work if I am able to.

valiumSingleton · 05/07/2010 08:31

I disagree with you there though. I don't think they are selfish. It may be something they do because it's the best thing to do for their family at that point. People don't choose to stall their salary indefinitely.

I think that it's a fine line. There may be a situation where you wouldn't earn very much more if you did 6 more hours, but it's a grey area and then after that, if you do 15 more hours then obviously you will earn more and if it's worth it, it will be the right thing to do.

As you say, you made your choice. Others are entitled to make the choice that they want to make. They are entitled to. The system supports that. As for social responsibility!? I paid tax for 11 years and I will again. It's very unusual for my family to be getting anything out of the system. I feel more responsible to my children than I do to the state or to the system or to public opinion.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 08:45

That is the fundamental difference in opinions, And neither is necessarily right.

I think that doing the best for society as a whole is more inportant for individuals than to do the best for your family or your child. If everyone did what was best for their own little family unit there would be problems.

of course there are situations where it is necessary, like if there is an illness or diability for example.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 08:49

and entitled is an ambiguous term when discussing benefits. It means differen tthings to different people.

valiumSingleton · 05/07/2010 15:18

Tax credits aren't benefits. It's being taxed less, still paying tax. A single parent who is working and therefore earning and paying tax and caring for and providing for her child(ren) really shouldn't be encouraged to feel bad about paying slightly less tax.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 15:26

not really valium, that is the case most of the time.

If you work 3 days a week on minimum wage and have one child you get more in tax credits than you earn... and you'd only be just slightly over the threashold for having to pay tax so actually you would get a hell of a lot more in credits than you would pay.

Im sorry but tax credits are benefits, technically. Even though lots of families claim them. They are referred to by the government as benefits on various forms and literature. They are just not thought in the same catagory as jobseekers, carers allowance etc.

valiumSingleton · 05/07/2010 17:28

Yes, lots of families (who are working as a team to bring up their children) claim them, so ...... not sure where you're going with this one. The gov has designed this system to allow vulnerable people/low earners/single parents some quality of life. This is the whole point of the system.

Standing on the side lines judging people for taking the tax credits they're entitled to is really uncharitable imo.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 19:06

I think youre missing my point valium.

I am not on the sidelines.. i have been in the position of being a single mum with a low income. I claimed tax credits which helped me towards paying for childcare.

However I saw it as my obligation to work as many hours as I could (within reason - 45) despite the fact that i would be earning the same (sometimes less) than if I work say, 3 days a week and claimed the rest of the money from the system which is there to support people who are in need. Which i was not IMO as a healthy, stable person with the prospect of full time employment.

foureleven · 05/07/2010 19:31

and im pretty sure that most single mums dont need charity. so Its nothing to do with not being 'charitable'

Original poster

single1ds · 05/07/2010 22:04

foureleven, can i just ask, when you were working full time up to 45 hours, did you drop your child and pick up your child from nursery every day and was the child/ren at nursery full time?

OP posts:

foureleven · 05/07/2010 22:09

I still work full time, she is at school now and I have reached a stage in my career where I can work my hours around taking her to school and picking her up occassionally and work from home etc. I porbably work more hours now as I work in the evening and dont really keep track.. But she has a childminder from 7.30am until 6pm if I need her to. Which I often do.

But yes, back then (from 6 months until 3ish) I would drop her at 7.30 and pick her up at 6pm each day.

Original poster

single1ds · 05/07/2010 22:23

ok. problem i have is issues with parking at work, ie no parking spaces left until after 3pm, so i have to work up until 9pm and allow ex access to house to put son to bed (and pick up from nursery). which is hard as i have no privacy and he treats me like crap.i am thinking as retraining as a teacher to fit around hours and holidays when my son starts school. i have vey limited family support. your situation is what i would aspire to in some ways the only difference that personality would not want son in nursery for such long hours, i will never get this time back and probably never have another child, plus there is the depression i am trying to cope with.my solicitor has also advised me not to change job or hours until financially things are settled in the divorce, if i go ahead, which on 2 years separation is another year.

OP posts:

foureleven · 06/07/2010 13:13

single1ds, I wont get all 'life coach' on you because you are suffering from a very real illness and I totally get that.

But as an aside, for when youre feeling better; in my opinion I am happy I worked all those hours when she was a baby because honestly she only needed her nappy changing, being fed and a stimulation environment when she was cared for and safe. And my totally fabulous childminder provided that. Its as she got older that she started needing me by which point my hard work had paid off and I am at the stage in my career where I can be flexible and work around her more. Which she loves and appreciates.

foureleven · 06/07/2010 13:14

ps, nursery wouldnt be for me either. IMO not enough one on one and 'home' space time.

foureleven · 06/07/2010 13:18

Also, when you are feeling better you will be able to work around parking issues etc. If you set your mind to it you can overcome anything, youd be very suprised!

Plus, there are other jobs, car shares, park and ride, season tickets elsewhere, flexible/ home working...

Original poster

single1ds · 06/07/2010 22:52

foureleven, i will not continue with this discussion anymore.i will do what valium did and give up. thanks.

OP posts:

wasntalwaysclueless · 06/07/2010 23:29

Hi single1ds,
I'm new here and have just come across your thread.
I 100% relate to your situation and feel the 'advice' you have been offered is complete rubbish. To be honest I am actually quite shocked that someone who is/ has been in a simular LP situation could show such little empathy.
Working and juggling DC's as a lone parent is bloody hard work whether you work 5 hours or 50.
I work p/t, I receive tax credits, I am not a dosser!
I can honestly say that it is MY choice to be my childs main carer rather than a childminder/ nanny/ nursery.
Got to be some perks to this whole lone parent malarkey! It's hard bloody work!
I hope you are ok single1ds, it sounds to me like you're doing a grand job.

Original poster

single1ds · 06/07/2010 23:45

Hi there wac
thanks for the support, i think reading back i took the comments quite harshly as broke down with my manager tonight at work, not about work just i think because she asked how i was and listened! i am so embarrased now and wish it didnt happen.
yes, there are always solutions to problems like foureleven mentioned but i cant cope with too many "solutions" at the moment and just want to "feel" iyswim. and talking about depression as "my illness" just sounds patronising. I work PT atm because of depression, becuse i have been advised by solicitor and because i do not want to miss out on son. I think it is a very detached way of describing that all babies need are fed, nappies changed, stimulating environment. I would have not missed out on the time i have had with my son for ANYTHING. the career will always be there, these years wont when they are young and i feel i have a v strong relationship/bond with son (after suffering PND)as the tax credit system has allowed me to do that and i am VERY thankful for it and will give that "back" to society in other ways.as i said before this is a temporary solution but it is also a solution some people live with for years, cause as you say its bloody hard work! a lot of people say it is easier going to work full time than having a child all day continually!

OP posts:

irestmycase · 07/07/2010 07:04

crikey, this thread moved on, didn't it?

single1ds my post-separation life developed like yours. I work p/t and claim tax credits.
I couldn't work the long hours that foureleven did/does. Partly because that would have taken me away from my DD for the vast majority of the day, which I didn't want. Also, not everyone is in foureleven's position of being able to work from home.

Three years on and my life has settled down enormously. I have been able to increase my hours, which reduces my reliance on tax credits.

My advice would be to do what you need to do for your own well-being and your DS. Be kind to yourself for as long as it takes to get back on your feet. I'd agree that when you set your mind to things, you will be surprised at what you can achieve. AND ignore what anyone else says about anything - they know NOTHING. Well, apart from me. You can listen to me

be kind to yourself, you are doing the best job that you can do.

foureleven · 07/07/2010 09:07

Well, I thought I was quite understanding. I told you I have had myself and my mother and father so you have my every sympathy)

If you cant work because of depression - which is an illness - then i said that of course no one would suggest you should do.

I was just saying that I disagree when fit and healthy people say that they are entitled to stay at home with their children and rely on the government to fund it. If we all did that then there would be problems.

I dont beleive it is my right to stay at home with your children im afriad.

It has only been the case that people have beleived this since WFTC came in and now separate tax and working credit.

foureleven · 07/07/2010 09:21

Oh god typed way too quickly..! I meant to say 'my right to stay at home with my children!

And also, just to answer something that irestmycase said. I couldnt work at home at all for the first 3.5 years. Its only because of the work I put in for those years and the time with my DD that i sacrificed that means I am now able to do this... occassionally.

And singleds1 I said that the solutions to overcome the practical problems would be something to look at when you feel better, I understand that you cant cope with solutions right now and its not your fault at all.

Original poster

single1ds · 07/07/2010 23:50

thanks foureleven
so does this mean you may relax your views a little to the other single mother who sits opposite to you at work who works half the hours and claims tax credits and spends the time with her child,or will you still be pissed off at her because she hasnt openly told you that she suffers with depression? (which is actually part of the "illness")

OP posts:

foureleven · 08/07/2010 08:04

the woman opposite was a hypothetical. If I didnt know whther the person doing this had depression or another illness of course I wouldnt judge but there are many many people who do this who definitely dont have depression and I still maintain that I am pissed off about that.

Good luck with sorting everything out single1ds. It will become a lot easier over time.

valiumSingleton · 08/07/2010 08:13

Foureleven, I saw on another thread that your child's father is still involved (and contributing), and obviously fathers should contribute but many don't. Things are harder when they don't.

My x pays a lot of tax but does not contribute a red cent and never has and never will (and I have gone into this hundreds of times on mn).

By a charitable disposition I do not mean that single mothers are charity cases, you're deliberating putting words into my mouth there, knowing that that is not what I mean because I don't see it as charity.

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