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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

prejudice at work?

76 replies

single1ds · 04/07/2010 13:59

Hi
I have worked part-time since going back to work from maternity.I was then with h and this fitted what we wanted at the time.
anyway husband left 1 year ago and i have continued to work the same hours and kept son in nursery the same hours.i now get more tax credits and am just surviving financially as h is still paying mortgage, although depending if we go through with divorce this will not continue obviously.Prior to son i have always worked full time.i am now 33.
anyway,my problem is this;
i have comments from collegues at work when i am leaving like "it must be nice".
a person who is with her partner says "well, i do x, y, z to fit around childcare so i can do more hours"
financially i would be worse off if i increased my hours.
am i taking this too personally? i am just fed up of young girls without children passing comment when they dont know the situation. should i just be more assertive and answer back or just ignore it until they get bored?

OP posts:

irestmycase · 04/07/2010 15:48

best to ignore it all and try not to take it personally. You are doing what you think is best for you and DS in your situation. Other people's arrangements suit them, yours suit you.

Original poster

single1ds · 04/07/2010 15:52

thanks irestmycase, i was thinking that is what is best to do anyway, i know i need to take it less personally and i will only be able to do that when i am happier in myself. sometimes just feel it is one thing after another and i am doing my very best juggling everything with no family support and only just building a little network of friends.anyway, best foot forward and chin up and i will ignore it and try not to make it bigger than it is.

OP posts:

ValiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 15:55

Ignore the bitchy comments! Do what suits you best.

When the girl with the partner says "well i do x,y,x .." just nod and smile and say 'that works for you'.

Ime, women who are truly happy in their marriage and have a good husband wonder how single parents do it. They admire us. It's only the ones who don't have the consolation of a good marriage and a supportive partner who grudge us the extra scrap of tax credit.

ValiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 15:57

ps, your marriage has fairly recently broken down and they are making comments designed to make you feel bad.

nice!

Meglet · 04/07/2010 16:05

Well said VS. Same here, the married couples who have their heads screwed on are never snotty about me.

If they are young girls then you should ignore it, they don't know better and are still living in la-la land.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:07

Im sorry youre going through this, and that your colleagues arent being very helpful with their comments.

However, unless you would seriously struggle financially from working full time you should really do so rather than rely on tax credits.
Im sorry to be blunt but when my ex left me with our one year old DD (and no maintenance) I worked full time (i had done anyway though even when we were together) I would have had more money had I worked part time because of the tax credits but tax credits are there for people who really really need them, not for people who choose to take them over working.

That may sound harsh but I just wanted to add the opinion of someone who is neither young, childless or has always had a partner around to help.

It is flippin hard to look after kids, and pretty gutting when you think that you will be able to work part time or not at all and then your partner leaves you in the lurch but Im very sorry but as much as its not your fault or your childs, its no one elses fault either and you need to take on the responsibility for funding your household now.. hopefully along with contribution from your ex.

Considering your age and that you have always worked I do agree that you have paid in to the system and deserved help in your hour of need. But a year has passed now and I think its time to get on with it.

Im afraid Id be pissed off as a single mum with a one year old working full time at my desk opposite a single mum who worked half the hours I did, got to spend time with their child at home and got more money than me... soory

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:08

And I agree, most marrieds take their hats off to single mums and realise its flippin hard, especially those who have been there, like me.

ChasingSquirrels · 04/07/2010 16:15

I have worked part time since I went back after my first child, and continue to do so now that I am a single parent.

TBH I got "leaving early" comments regardless of my married/single state and just responded with "well, part time hours means part time pay" which usually shuts most people up.

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 16:15

FourEleven that's very harsh imo. A year is not a long time. OP said that she would be no better off if she worked more hours, so you expect her to work longer hours for no gain when she has a young child to care for. ?

Married women and single women alike prioritise career over money or time with their child over money. These decisions aren't unique to any particular category of money. We all make different decisions based on our slightly different priorities.

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 16:16

category of woman I mean (as in married, single, young, old, or in la la land!)

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:21

yes of course we do valium, but when you are making these choices and relying on public money to fund them I dont think it is right Im afriad. I explained in my post that i earned less money as a result of working full time because i would have got more tax credits if I worked part time. But I saw bringing money in to the house as my responsibility. Plus in these times we can hardly rely on tax credits can we! Id rather have a fll time job and know that I can support us rather than dreding every new budget announcement!

chasingsquirrels - part time hours does equal part time pay yes, but in OPs case she is ending up with more money for doing less hours.. and wondering why others object to that..

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:25

Ive had this conversation on MN before and my opinion is always in the minority.

I usually end up feeling bad and judgemental because I really am a live and let live person and I know that no situation is black and white. I think my opinion just comes fromt he fact that I have been there and I do know how hard it is.

Im probably just cross with myself for my own flipping standards and feeling like I have to work every hour god sends to support my DD and so many others are less selfflagilating (eek sp?!)

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 17:46

It's such a difficult stage of your life (those first couple of years after relationship breakdown). I know a lot of people might have judged me harshly for my choices (and if you judge the OP, you would judge me more harshly!) but I knew I was a basket case and not fit to be in the work place frankly. Also, my children had to all intents and purposes lost their father so for a few years I made the conscious decision to prioritise being with them over career prospects and money. It's tough. The bottom line is single parents have to be carer and provider and parents who are still together are a team. I put my children's wellbeing above the opinions of mere acquaintances.

Original poster

single1ds · 04/07/2010 18:41

Hi, I am back
i appreciate ALL of the comments to try to understand where people are coming from.
you may see from my other post i am suffering with depression aswell and if i had been at work full time i just would not have coped in the last year. I see it as a temporary measure until the divorce and financial situation is sorted as my ex earns around 4 times what i do. i have worked in "professional" jobs before, business travel etc etc and at the moment in a job i hate. so i was thinking of using the time to get better qualified whilst working part time.i am with you valium, my childs wellbeing comes first and as his main carer if i collapse what chance does he have?
i have high standards and did not envisage being in this situation and i am one of those people unfortuntely that does REALLY need them at the moment :-( and i am taking full responsibility for funding the household although it may not be the way i really want

OP posts:

Kathyjelly · 04/07/2010 18:47

Just ignore them. They don't know what they are talking about.

You have your own standards that seem pretty good so stick to them and you'll be fine.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 19:13

single1ds. Had you started your OP with 'I suffer from depression' My response would have been entirely different.

Both my mother and father have suffered from depression and I myself had post-natal depression so I do understand.

i would apologise for my harsh response but as you missed the most important fact from your post I cant really be held responsible!

Original poster

single1ds · 04/07/2010 19:24

thanks for being more understanding. no i didnt mention in this post but on another thread. yes i also had/have PND kind of gone to depression now.not holding you responsible anyway i posted as i want to hear all sides as had comments from work.

OP posts:

foureleven · 04/07/2010 19:34

Well my original opinion is the opinion of many I have spoken to in RL, but not of most on MN interestingly and not sure why... so i can understand where your colleagues are coming from if they dont know about your illness.

But the illness is the reason that you are working part time and depending on support from the government to allow you to do that. You have paid in to the system for years and now you are sick and need some support. Thats one of the great things about the UK, and something that makes me happy to live here.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Do you take any medication? Have you gone on to the mental health page? They may be able to help you out on there although i would say.. some are seriously struggling so if you are feeling sad yourself dont get all embroiled in others problems.

Also it seems you are new to MN, there are literally hundreds of posts and you have to be around for like 100 years for epople to remember details about you from other posts so its worth repeating the relevent stuff if its an important factor in your post/question.

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 20:13

Foureleven, maybe it's because when people see the human side of the story (ie, talk to you face to face) they are more understanding.

Because I've done the opposite to you yet I've also had people in rl seem to entirely support and understand my decisions, and only on MN have I had the shock of realising that some people grudge help to those who need it.

I don't know if I was depressed exactly as I felt relieved when I left my x, but 7 years of a toxic abusive relationship leaves a scar, and for me anyway, it honestly would have been more than I could have managed to have juggled a job (that would pay a salary that would cover childcare for two) with single parenthood - I simply wasn't able for it. I needed time to get over what happened, and I think a lot of people forget that this is a real issue for people whose relationships break down. They have to grieve for their old future and accept their new one..

The system is there to support the people who need it and it's not down to any one citizen, tax paying or otherwise, to begrudge help to anybody who is entitled to that help.

Original poster

single1ds · 04/07/2010 20:26

i just want to add the only support i am getting from gvt is child/working tax credit and child benefit. most people are eligable for tax credits. i get nothing else. see how i feel the need to justify myself again?!

OP posts:

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 20:43

I know! I am the same. I shouldn't do it. I must stop.

lisbey · 04/07/2010 20:49

I just say yes it's fantastic thanks.

And occasionally add - you know you have the right to ask for flexible hours if you want to take the pay cut

MollieO · 04/07/2010 20:59

I work 4.5 days over 5 days to fit around school wraparound care (can't afford to drop to cover normal school hours). I get lots of comments about coming in late and leaving early (even though I am doing my contractual hours and am available by phone and email outside my working hours). I have no one else to help with childcare (no contact with ex-p) and I am surrounded by male colleagues who have SAHWs.

They have absolutely no idea what my life is like (one once said that I must have a 'miserable life') and I don't tell them. I worry that if I started to say something I wouldn't actually be able to stop.

I'm lucky that I don't have to rely on tax credits but as a single parent you do have to develop an incredibly thick skin. Occasionally I do point out that I have to pay for childcare that my colleagues get for free and I also have to use my precious holiday to attend school functions (that colleagues SAHWs attend instead).

Original poster

single1ds · 04/07/2010 21:24

MollieO
what job do you do? sounds like you are coping VERY well :-)

OP posts:

valiumSingleton · 04/07/2010 22:36

Good riposte Lisbey

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