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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Boys going to their dads house for 2 wks in August and Ex is planning on sending them to stay with friends for one week!

26 replies

raisinbran · 19/06/2010 09:17

Ex has our 2ds age 11 and 6 every 2nd weekend and 4 weeks of the year usually one week each in Easter/Xmas holidays and 2 weeks in the summer.

He casually mentioned last night that he is arranging for my oldest sons friend to come and stay for a week with them and then for my ds to go to this boys family for a week.

I am surprised he wants to send them away when it's his time with the boys for a start but I am not happy about my youngest being away for a week without one of his parents.

I have already booked a holiday whilst they are with their dad. So if I took him away with me he wouldnt get to see his dad at all which isn't fair on Ds 6.

what would you do?

OP posts:

Tanga · 19/06/2010 13:18

Erm...trust his judgement and go on holiday? A week isn't all that long, they often go on school trips for 4 or 5 days at that age. I'm assuming that DS1 would enjoy spending time with his friend and DS2 is probably made up at the thought of having a week just him and Dad. I know that giving children of very different ages a fun time is difficult so this seems like a nice idea. DS1 can always ring his Dad if he is unhappy?

TBH, it's not really up to you to decide what the other parent can and can't do in their parenting time(so long as the DC's aren't coming to any harm, obviously.)

GypsyMoth · 19/06/2010 13:19

yes trust his judgement....he is an equal to you after all!

do you send your ds away on school trips yet?

DecorHate · 19/06/2010 14:19

I read it that both boys were being sent to the friends, not just the older one. So I can see why the OP is worried - 6 is quite young to be away from family for a week.

LimaCharlie · 19/06/2010 14:23

Seems strange for him to choose his time with them to send them away. IIWY I would be very unhappy about this aspect - this is the time for your ex and DSs to have together.

That said if your DS's are happy with the arrangement then trust his judgement

TheCrackFox · 19/06/2010 14:26

If your boys are happy then just take their lead.

As an aside, would it have killed him to spend a whole two weeks with his own children? It seems an odd arrangement.

Original poster

raisinbran · 20/06/2010 18:50

Thanks for your thoughts, yes I do think its strange for him to send both boys away when its a chance for him to spend time with them.

I accept older one will be fine but for a 6 year old this isnt a one or two night sleep over with his friend its his brothers friend and its for a week and they live 2 hours a away from ex. How does my 6 year old know he will be happy he has only ever done 1 night sleep overs with his friends.

My cynical mind believes my ex is doing it so he and his girlfriend can have a holiday by themselves without the children outside of school holidays when its cheaper.

Maybe I am just being spiteful but the boys have 17 weeks school holiday a year and he has them for 4.I guess he can do what he choses as the other parent but i always feel he puts his needs first.

OP posts:

DecorHate · 20/06/2010 19:23

So you think he can't be bothered to take the time off & is farming them out? I would be very cross about this - would be different perhaps if the boys were going to stay with your ex's parents or other people they know well but people your ds2 doesn't know, 2 hours away, is just not on. If he doesn't/can't take the week off then a holiday club so that the boys are with your ex in the evening would be preferable. If that's not possible I really would be refusing to send them...

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:26

If this was me I would keep them with me.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:31

It is odd yes, In his position Id be relishing the opportunity to spend time. I know if my dp was having dsd for two weeks he wouldnt do this.

Maybe he thinks its a treat for the boys? Maybe he thinks theyll be bored with dad for two weeks?

What ever the reason though, and however wierd, I think you should trust his judgement. It his time to be responsible for the kids you cant really put conditions on his parenting I dont think. 6 isnt that young.

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:32

My dd is 6 and no way would she be away from me for a week.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:35

fabisgettingfit, do you share custody of your DD?

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:37

I am not a lone parent so she lives with her dad and me.

pithyslicker · 20/06/2010 19:39

Is his contact time court ordered?

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:42

Then Im sorry but I dont think your comment is helpful or relevent. I think in a shared custody situation you come to terms with the fact that your child will be away from you at times. For me that was the first thing to learn to be ok with.

The second was to understand that her dad loves her and wont put her in a dangerous situation so even if his values etc and feelings about time with the children may vary from mine, I cant put conditions over what he does with them as long as they are safe.

I think OP is probably upset for her children more than anything that dad doesnt want to spend as much time with them as possible.. i.e. hurt on their behalf.

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:44

My comment was in response to yours, foureleven, saying that 6 wasn't that young to be away from both parents for a week.

And I already got the OP was hurt their dad doesn't appear to want them with him the whole two weeks.

seeker · 20/06/2010 19:46

"My dd is 6 and no way would she be away from me for a week. "

As you are not a lone parent, this does strike me as a supremely unhelpful comment. The Op has no choice in the matter!

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:49

As I already said, it was in response to foureleven's comment about 6 not being that young. The OP's 6 year old is going to be away from both parents for a week.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:49

Yes but Im saying as a parent who has never HAD to leave their child for any length of time and who doesnt understand the dynamics of a shared custody situation, I didnt feel it was relevent to say that sentance on its own, particularly without making it clear you were talking to me

Ignore me, Im just shitty because my little girl (4) has gone away for 2 weeks abroad with her dads mum and auntie... who I have seen once in 3 years.

Im pretty cut up about it but am dealing with it as this 2 weeks was time with her dad supposedly and so he got to make the descison about how she would spend it.

So it upset me to hear 'My dd is 6 and no way would she be away from me for a week' from someone who has never experienced this.

As I say, ignore me, hormones!

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:51

How do you know I have never had to leave my children for any length of time? You don't.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:53

Umm... because you said 'My dd is 6 and no way would she be away from me for a week. '

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:55

A week isn't the only length of time.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:57

OK, I said 'any length of time' in my way of speaking that means 'any great length of time' and seeing as we have been speaking about a week I clearly meant a week. If it makes you happy i will rephrase the post:

Yes but Im saying as a parent who has never HAD to leave their child for a week or longer and who doesnt understand the dynamics of a shared custody situation, I didnt feel it was relevent to say that sentance on its own, particularly without making it clear you were talking to me

FabIsGettingFit · 20/06/2010 19:59

Fine.

foureleven · 20/06/2010 19:59

Any way, I apologised for being arsey and explained why... jeees way to kick a mum when shes down!

HerBeatitude · 20/06/2010 20:00

oh FGS if it were a woman who were sending her kids away for a whole week in limited contact time, she'd be slated. It's amazing how little some people expect of fathers.

For a six year old to be away from both parents for a whole week, is a really big deal. Even at 8, my DD wouldn't be ready for it. A couple of nights, yes - even 4, but not a whole week.

Unless of course, the kids know the other family really well and are totally comfortable with them and don't feel like guests. But it doesn't sound like it in this case.

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