Mothers 'onlies' who are sons- talk to me pls, calm me down!!.

[wheresmypaddle]

I have been a lone parent for just a few weeks. I am still reeling with the shock of DP leaving (backlash towards me needing him to grow up and help out more). So its still a daily struggle.

DS is an only child (I had a pregnancy induced brain hemmorage during the last weeks of my pregnancy and have been advised another could be fatal). He has just turned 3. He is a lovely, happy, outgoing bundle of energetic joy (and hard work ).

I am ashamed to admit I have underlying worries about being the main carer of an only boy. I guess I must have preconceived ideas that he is going to miss out by having me as him main parent.

EXDP has DS one day a week while I work, and may have him additional times once he has settled into a new place (living with friends ATM). They adore each other, but EXDP has a selfish streak and I will be left to do the vast majority of childcare.

I love DS to bits but am afraid for his future with 'just' me. I have never before wondered if things would be different if he were a girl but am horrified to find myself wondering if I would be able to make him happier if he was a girl- girly chats, shopping etc when older (strange really as I am quire a tom-boy).

I am also (for the first time), wishing he wasn't an only child. That way he would have a sibling to play with.

Can anyone who is the mother of an only son help me out here? I especially struggle to imagine him happily living with just me as an older boy. How do you get on? What do you do? Does your DS enjoy spending time with just you?

My ds's 'father' has never been around. I do worry about the lack of male role models around him, but he is doing fine.

I am lucky that my ds is not into football (so I don't have to feign interest in that), though he does like F1 somewhat. He is into gadgets, computer games and nature mostly. Lots of others boys at his school are too, and several also loathe football. He loves scouts, especially going camping with them etc.

You just have to be interested in what they're into and give them the chance to try things that you're not necessarily into. My ds loves wall climbing, abseiling, caving etc so we tend to go on action type holidays.

You'll be fine. Lots of children grew up without a dads because of WWII and none of them are less manly for it are they.

It was just my ds1 and I for about 6 years between the ages of 6 - 12. It was wonderful! There is a very special relationship between mother and son at that age, they adore you

He was a very, very boisterous child, but he went to loads of after school activities to burn up some of his energy, and have male "contact".

We used to play computer games together and have such a laugh. He did his own washing from about 12 years old and made his own tea. I worked full-time and we were a right little team. It was a wonderful few years and you will enjoy your time together.

I recently stayed with a single friend who has a young son and was slightly envious of their relationship.

My ds1 is now 25 and grew to be a popular, funny and independent young lad, who was a major hit with the ladies. He is now living with his girlfriend and works with children with special needs. [very proud mum emoticon]

Just last week we spent a day together as he was recovering from an operation, and his gf had to work, and we played the same computer game we had played together over 15 years ago, and we spent the whole day laughing. He kept telling me off because the laughing was huring his stiches!

It's great wheresmypaddle, and you'll always have him to help you paddle your canoe well until he finds himself a girlfriend!!

Sorry this post is so long but you can see I have strong feelings about your situation

Redtartanlass thank you so very much for your post- it has made the hairs on my arms stand up with emotion. I love mumsnet sometimes. Your DS sounds brilliant- well done you!!

Gilly am going to look into Beavers right now. Thank you for your great advice.

paddle I too am a lonme parent to a son - now aged 2 and a half and i have to say, I love it. I have the same rational fears as you about male role models and building things with him in a shed when he is older etc...but tbh, each day that goes by those worries get less and less.

We are a very strong team. We laugh a lot together. He is very affectionate and we hug and kiss a lot. But he is very much a boy - he likes cars, tractors, engines, trains, planes etc. We watched the Moncaco Grand Prix together at the weekend, with ice-cream!

I make sure he is sociable and does meet men - boys and adults. He does love male company and last month we went on holiday together with my friend, her teenage daughter and her d's boyfriend. Ds had a fantastic time playing with the 'big boy' and he grew in confidence before my eyes.

There are many many reasons why a boy might end up being raised solely by his mother. I felt that I had let my ds down by not being able to maintain my marriage. But heck, I look at him now and I think that he has one parent who loves him to bits and is very capable of raising him well and into manhood.
His father walked out when he was six months old and has never been in contact since. NOT a good father at all.

There is a good book called 'The Courage To Raise Good Men' which I read and re-read at times. Do buy it and rread it. It is really sage and will make you realise that a Mother's love is paramount to the man he will become.

Unlikely ahhh your DS sounds lovely. My DS is a really rough and tumble boy but is very affectionate too. Would you believe a 'friend' said last week- you need to be careful not to be too affectionate with him or he'll turn into a mummy's boy . At first I was upset, but I have since brushed it off.

Many thanks for the book recommendation I will look into it.

It really lifts my spirits to hear such positive experiences as yours. I love the description of you and DS as a "team". I have been feeling like our team is a man down (EXDP), but am going to make a real effort to not feel like this any longer.

Well you must read the book..as this is exactly the attitude that is advocated against.

It's message is, essentially, that a mother should give a son a lot of extended love to help him to become a good, kind and loving adult Man...

the old ideas about cutting apron strings and letting the 'man' (DP or H) take over is an old wives tale.

Read it, honestly. It will open your eyes and enable you too, to love your son really fully and honestly.

FWIW I hope my exH never returns to this country and tries to see his son - what possible bloody 'role model' can a deserting whore-shagging thief be to my lovely boy?

Keep going and keep loving and enjoying to the full your son's company. They grow up fast fast fast!

Oh wow Unlikelyamazonian I wish I'd heard of that book when I was bringing up ds1. I always worried he was going to grow into a mummy boy. LOL

Cross your fingers he doesn't like football, or you've got many a weekend to look forward standing cold and miserable on the touch lines, pretending to have a great time. The excitement after the game "Mummy! Mummy! I manged to kick the ball twice today!!" is worth it though.

If I had to give one piece of advice though, I would be, always follow through! Never feel guilty about it just being you and him and letting bad behaviour slip because if it. The cute little baby you could eat up will very quickly towering above you, and he needs to know where the boundaries are!

wheresmypaddle - Have you ever thought of adoption. There are so many children out there who need a family and single parents make fantastic adoptees sometimes.

I am mother to a six foot tall rugby playing mummys boy and proud of it.

Another single mum of a ds here. He is nearly 6 and no contact with his father. I do worry about the lack of a male role model in his life although not about the lack of his father (not the sort of role model I'd want ds to have).

He does lots of boy things - rugby, cricket and has male coaches for those. I do feel sad that all his friend's dads come to watch their sons and ds just has me. He is at an all boys school which I think helps with balance (mix of male and female teachers).

wheresmypaddle I wouldn't worry about being affectionate - very odd comment from your friend. Ds wasn't a cuddly baby at all but has become a cuddly 5 yr old and I take full advantage .

Ohmigod - thank you everyone!
I am now 15 days in to the whole single mum bit and whilst father wants a very strong presence at the moment - all my fears have been mentioned above.

He is my only dc and due to age and health reasons like the original OP, will bevmy only one. I worry that he will want to leave me and live with other half and step brothers and sisters whoa re his age, that I will not be enough etc etc.

I smiled for the first time in two weeks - thank you. Courage is something so seriously lacking at the moment as I stare into the abyss, my little monster (2.5yrs) and I will be OK- i know. But all your comments have given me more hope than I can ever thank you for.

Onlyone wow- someone in the same boat as me. I hope you are doing OK. Its not easy I know. I am so glad this thread made you smile, it has really cheered me up too. Feel free to contact me if you would like to chat more.....

The book recommendation by Unlikelyamazonian sounds better and better- actual official permission to smother my son in kisses from time to time, and the confidence to ignore comments about 'mummies boys'- yes please!!

Redtartanlass and MuttI am ashamed to admit I am (perhaps foolishly) looking forward to the stage where DS may get into a sport of some sort. I am finding weeknds a bit lonely and am struggling a bit for 'stuff to do', so ATM football would be lovely (if he enjoys it)!!

Littlemoominmamma adoption has never crossed my mind- but now you mention it it is certainally food for thought. I didn't realise lone parents were considered suitable- makes me feel less of a failure already . I am not in a goood enough frame of mind to consider it now but i will keep it at the back of my mind.

Hi all,

I am the mum to 2 boys 9 and 11 and i can honestly say our relationship is better than ever! Fortunately I was bought up in a very male household, never had dolls, girly stuff and we have a very action orientated life. It is great and if anything we have become more adventurous since their dad left.

I openly discuss sex and rude words etc with them (hopefully in an age appropriate way!) We still have logs of hugs and kisses, although not in front of their friends.
They have started to carry my bags without asking and offer to help out. I am really proud of my great little men

I think you're only worrying about this because of your recent split. Most families aren't BIG families these days. The average is still about 1.7 I think? So either one child or two children is the average. So your son won't be the only child in his circle who doesn't have a sibling. And a lot of those who have a sibling either won't get on all that well or the age gap will be big.

You've only recently split up and when chlidren are so young you're one of the first round. Sorry to be blunt, this is how I see it. Give it 15 years and not only will he not be the only one wiht no sibling, but he won't be the only one whose parents have split up.

And the bottom line is, he still has you and he still has his dad. Just not under the same roof.

I think this is just routine torture that mothers put themselves through when they've recently split up. I did all this too, flagellation for things that I'd no control over and weren't my fault.

It'll all 'settle' after a while and you won't berate yourself forever (I certainly hope!).

I was so frightened and crap when ExH first ran away, that I seriously thought about having DS adopted - by a 'proper' family, so that he could have a 'proper' dad.

I was permanently exhausted, and fretted constantly about how the hell ds would manage to do his maths homework as I cannot do maths, or anything scientific, so was convinced that I would fail him, let him down, ruin his future, make him an emotional wreck...god, everything. I just thought he had no life chances being the only son and only child of an older mother - with no blood relations at all. [aaaaaagh]

But time has passed. Now I see things so differently. He is polite, kind, wise, hilarious, very boyish, happy and kissed and hugged by me a hundred times a day; he knows when he is in trouble and he apologises. Usually.

He likes ice-cream and the swings, birds, insects, our dogs and cat, and loves his childminder - his friends there rush to see him when he arrives and all help him with his shoes and coat.

I think I am doing a damn fine job actually.

The book I remcomended below did really help me get a perspective on things.

My life went from being a car crash to being a marvellous adventure in a bumpy old camper van with my little travelling companion.

I hope he turns into a tall-ish, robust, confident, sociable, sometimes naughty and impudent, hard-working, literate, ambitious, happy, thoughtful caring and wild-within-reason young adult.

If he doesn't, well, I tried and am trying my best. Nobody can ask any more of us LPs..

The irony is, I come from a large family (four siblings) and parents who remain married after 60 years.

But I am only in contact with my oldest brother.

'Proper' Families aren't all they are cracked up to be you know.

Beautifully put swallowed

Well done and a huge pat on the back for all you are doing for your little man.

wheresmypaddle - feel free to contact me aswell.

Had horrendous day yesterday, other half took ds out in the afternoon and they went out with other woman and her 2 kids, 3.5 and 2 yrs old.

I howled most of the afternoon - made worse by wee man coing home and telling me that said person ( name fairly unusual so will not mention it) was nice and he loved her and Daddy kissed her.

He then said me live with Daddy and xxxxx.

I was gutted, until he fell over and told me loved me most. I know he does not understand what is going on completely but god it hurts.

Some of these posts have made me cry for the first time ever on MN. I'm a new single mum of a ds of two and a half but lucky in that ex-p is very hands-on.

I think you make a very valid point swallowed. I had a very tumultous relationship with my mum when I was younger and I know a lot of my female friends were the same.

Aww onlyone, that's heartbreaking. Poor child doesn't know what he's saying. Amount of times I can remember telling my mum and dad I hated them, wished I wasn't born etc etc. I'm sure you're feeling very raw atm though.

Single mum to one DS age 3, it's been just us for 4 months or so now, not much to add as we are quite new to this too.
Although I remember being just a few weeks in and how panicky I felt about so many things! There's still a long way to go, but we are getting there,Things are a lot calmer, and we are settling into our new life together...just us most of the time and I know we'll be just fine.
What heartwarming thread this is though, and I will definately get that book.

I've been a single mum to my son, now 4, since I was pregnant. It's wonderful now, we have a very close, intense, extremely loving relationship, and he's very caring and considerate, as well as being 'all boy', as my mother puts it, in his interests (cars, cars, cars!). A couple of times he's said he wishes he had a brother, like his friend has, but I try to make sure that we spend a lot of time with other children, and he has formed very strong friendships with children at his preschool. The school he will start at in September has two male teachers, which is one of the reasons I liked the look of it, and he has a very good relationship with my father.

please don,t beat yourself up to much. i,m sure because you wrote this message that you care greatly for your little man. never forget that as his mum, your are showing him how strong you are as a person. and there is no greater thing in life than a mother and son bond in life. when he grows up into the fine young man you will raise. he will look to other strong independant women to be in his life. which is no bad thing at all.considering some of the loose girls out there now.i,m a single mum to a 7 year old boy. and the exact same fear use to grip me in my head and heart.but i know that with our input that, we as single mums to boys will add decent,polite upstanding members of society.your doing a bloody good kob on your own so don,t let anyone tell you any different. and sod the label of single mum,have the lable of SUPERWOMEN instead

I really worried about all this. My DS is 4 now, he was two when it all first kicked off.

My ex has him a fair amount which makes things much better on that score. I did struggle with things like him using the toilet standing up but he seemed to pick this up from nursery ok. My very best friend is a man and has custody of his two kids, he and they spend quite a bit of time with us and I think that helps too.

DS and I are quite close. He has lots of cuddles and sometimes kisses although it now turns out that according to him 'kissing girls, errr its yucky'. My ex wasnt very manly anyway... for example he couldnt wire a plug and although DS calls the tool box daddys fix it box all the tools in it are actually mine and requested by me for various birthday presents. I dont think there is much lacking, even if he didnt see ex on a regular basis it would only be that he needs to see ex as he loves him not because he needs the male input.

I understand that you must be so worried about so many things and i'm sorry all this has happened to you.