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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I despise my ex, I really do.

42 replies

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 16:59

Today he was supposed to so something with kids for the afternoon, so I made plans.

He arrives on time but then makes me feel guilty as he is taking them to the fair and dd "just won't enjoy it without you". So I go with them. Then tells me that he needs to be back by a certain time, thus cutting even further into my time. No way to get done what I want to do in the couple of hours he has now given me.

I had a moan and asked him how he would feel if everytime he went out someone said yes fine, but you can only go for two hours - that is the most time I ever get before he has to go and do his plans, to which he responded by telling me I am selfish, have Mental Health issues and if I really hate being with my kids that much I should let him move back in and I can just go and do my own thing. This is because I told him I just want one afternoon a month that is not encroached upon or changed or I am made to feel guilty about. All this twisted into me not loving my kids.

He then used all this to justify storming off in front of dc, making them cry and thereby denying me ANY time at all to myself.

Just a rant really because I just really fu*king hate him, I really do. He just hates me doing anything by myself, he was always like this when we were married too, so controlling.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 16/05/2010 17:06

oh god, i really feel for you.

it is so hard when you are no longer in a relationship to try and reason with someone. they just see it as you having a yap and making things hard for them.

OH's mum has contact with my dses and although the time is the same every week she is constantly late collecting and late home with them which means i can never make plans for while they are away because i dont know if i will be late for it.

i dont really have any advice. i guess we just have to accept its going to happen.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:11

Oh thank you for replying have just posted in AIBU as well to talk to someone. Feeling so rubbish.

It is not just once, it is every single time. There is always a problem, he has to work, he already made plans and then if I try to talk to him it all gets twisted around into me moaning, wanting to have a row, not being able to get on with anyone, having no mates, being thick, not loving my kids and so on and so on.

I don't know why I thought it would be different once we split up, he was always like this when we were together, used to go made if I wanted to go out alone or with friends and pick huge fights and threaten to divorce me over created dramas.

I adore my dc, I love being with them but I just want one afternoon a month when I don't have to do things to ex's timetable. It is the offering of it and then changing it constantly that does my head in.#

Sorry to moan, sounds like you are going through the same things. We need a screaming emoticon for threads like this.

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Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:11

mad not made.

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booyhoo · 16/05/2010 17:17

have you got any family that could be there with the children to do the handover and wait for them to come back? this would mean if you made plans you could still go ahead with them knowing there will be someone there to wait with dcs. plus it would mean you didn't have to deal with his agro, providing he wouldn't give the other person a hard time.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:20

Unfortunately not, live miles away from family so sort of have to depend on him really. He is fine about dentist and doctors appointments etc (things where I cannot possibly having any fun!) and somehow can always turn up on time and for as long as needed but when it something fun for me, will always managed to sabotage it.

Oh well, just something I will have to deal with, at least he sees the dc regularly, would be much worse to have someone who didn't bother at all.

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iamfabregasted · 16/05/2010 17:23

Mine is the same.

Sorry, I know that doesn't help, but at least we know we aren't on our own.

booyhoo · 16/05/2010 17:24

could you perhaps tell him a wee white lie and say you need to go for an appointment?

he sounds very immature.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:25

Definitely, that is why I posted, it is comforting to know I am not alone.

Had been so looking forward to getting out for the afternoon, do you know all I was doing was going to the gym and the the cinema to see Robin Hood but even that was deemed too much fun for me and had to be restricted.

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maltesers · 16/05/2010 17:25

I despise my Ex too.
You should stick to your Guns and say no , next time he wants you to go too. Tell little one in advance what is going to happen so you explain you love them but Mummy is going to get on with some things whilst Dad takes Cds to the park, or wherever. Be strong , say no, Ex wil respect you for it thats for sure. That time he has kids is YOUR own time to do your thing, and let him take the responsiblilty for them for once. !!

fuzzywuzzy · 16/05/2010 17:28

Could you not have someone else at handover times for when your children have contact with their father? Thus illiminating any opurtunity for your ex to try and railroad you into joining them or suggesting he cant do the full time.

Get a firends or family member to hand the chidlren over, dont be there.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:30

He constantly tells me that I don't care about our dc because I want some time to myself but you would never catch me storming off and leaving them crying in the street because I had had a row with him. Or refusing to take them swimming after he told them he would because it might mean he gets an hour to go to the gym, which is what he did yesterday.

Knobber.

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booyhoo · 16/05/2010 17:31

dont tell him when you have something planned. just let him pick up ds and then once they are gone, go out and enjoy yourself. that way he wont know there is any fun to be spoiled.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 17:31

Is the railroading into joining them a common thing then? Because my ex does it ALL the time and tells me I need to get over myself and put my kids first if I say I don't want to. We do loads of family outings because of this. I don't want my kids to suffer for our split to do go along with it most of the time.

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gillybean2 · 16/05/2010 18:10

Firstly don't tell him your plans. Your private life is exactly that, private! He can't spoil it if he doesn't know you have plans. Well he can, but there's less chance.

You need to be strong and refuse his requests to join them. Explain that it's their time with dad and they should go and have fun together.

When he yells just ignore him. Or suggest if he's incapable if looking after his children without you there perhaps he should being his mother or a nanny with him in future (confrontational I know and I doubt you'd ever say that!)

Secondly, don't rely on him for the one afternoon of free time. Can you afford a babysitter? If you can find one. If you can't try and do a swap with another parent.
Do you work? If so arrange for the childminder/nursery to have them a bit longer one day. I have been known to send my ds to holiday club just so I can get some shopping done in peace.

Also I used to take my ds to the local supermarket creche (back when they had one) and sit in the coffee shop for half an hour just to get a break.

Don't rely on your ex for the time off, find other ways to get it.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 16/05/2010 18:14

Think you are right gillybean2, won't tell him anything anymore, was trying to the mature, up front thing, but it doesn't work with him, in fact NOTHING works with him, he is totally unreasonable. Think I will just wait for him to arrive from now on and then just be ready to dash out the door before he can even ask me anything.

No family nearby unfortunately and no friends either, they are in my home town. Also ds has SN so pretty dependant on exh, think I will just have to resign myself to another year or so or it and then dd will be in nursery and I will have plenty of time then.

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cestlavielife · 16/05/2010 23:34

no, no no dont go along with them and make it joint.

my exP asks all the time too. i say no.

he has caught me eg he had dcs for dds birthday then purposely delayed the cake til the time i was meant to pick them up so i ended up being there for an hour because he faffed about with the cake... realised i had been caught. next time they were not ready i left and came back later.

they have to deal with the dcs on their own in the same way you do.... if cannot they get someone else along ...

dcs have tog et used to separate mum / dad times. that is the way it is...unless you really have had totally amicable split.

if you depsise him i would guess not - so just do not do it...

BertieBotts · 17/05/2010 00:17

Yes, my XP used to ask if I would come with him, e.g. to take DS to soft play. I refused on the grounds that I didn't want to confuse DS. I have stuck to this, it seems to have helped. DS settled very quickly to going with his Dad. He now waves me goodbye quite happily with not a tear in his eye! I can't leave him with anyone, even my mum or sister, who he adores, without him screaming when I leave (though he's fine after a minute or two) - so I think it's definitely a good sign that he goes so happily to his Dad.

He does mess me about with times etc though. I sometimes mention it but haven't pushed it too much. Generally it is no more than 15 minutes either way but sometimes up to an hour.

BertieBotts · 17/05/2010 00:20

Oh yes and when arranging access, try to make it about the children, e.g. "I need to know what day each week/month you will be having the DC and I need it to be regular so that they know what to expect." Don't make it about you needing time off - because although that is a great bonus, it's not really about that, it's about them getting to spend time with their Dad.

Alternatively if he refuses to pin down a specific time, then make it difficult for him. Plan lots of things to do with the DC so when he says out of the blue "I can see them on Tuesday" you say "Oh, sorry, it's not convenient, we are going to Aunty Maud's that day."

SolidGoldBrass · 17/05/2010 00:48

THis man is controlling and abusive, so you have to set firm boundaries and use all the strategies everyone else has said. The key thing to remember is that while DC have a right to a relationship with their father (unless he is actually dangerous), your XP does NOT have a right to a relationship with you.
As from now, keep him out of your house (he has no right to be there), keep your communications with him factual and only about DC and/or finance if necessary and remember that his opinion of you is irrelevant and unimportant. GOod luck.

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 17/05/2010 09:37

Thanks again everyone. I know his access time is about dc spending time with their Dad I suppose I am very defensive of the fact that it gives me a break because I just never get one, ex is of the opinion that women should be happy to sit around the house all day, looking after kids and doing housework and if they are not then they are lazy, bad mothers with Mental Health Issues. And I know that he is trying to block me ever doing anything for myself and force me back into the role he assigned me when married even though we are not together anymore.

BTW he sees the dc every day but he has nowhere to take them so usually comes to see them at my home. Since we have been formally separated (over a year) this is only the third time I have tried to take an afternoon for myself and he cannot bear it.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 17/05/2010 10:00

Steelfairy: like i said, the man is controlling and abusive so you need to cut his access to you (which is what he's after). Get the access formalized and from now on it's his job to find somewhere to taek DC, tell him you dont want him in your house any more (why should you? He's a bully and your home is yours, you don't have to let him over the threshold).

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 17/05/2010 10:13

Thanks SGB.

Hopefully my divorce will be through pretty soon and the tenancy of our flat will be awarded to me, until then legally I cannot keep him out so I am in a bit of a crap situation with regards to him still being on the tenancy at the moment.

He does live elsewhere but I never feel truly secure in telling him to leave or keeping him out of the house.

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Dollytwat · 17/05/2010 10:15

Steelfairy next time when he collect the children, go out at the same time. Tell him you'll be back at the same time he's bringing them back.

cestlavielife · 17/05/2010 10:34

so long as he is coming to see them in your home this aint gonna improve.

but if you have to do it this way then get out of the house when he comes and go to cafe/gymn/swimming/library whatever til his time is over.

if he sees them every day - you have time to yourself every day.

if you get those two hours a day then that is how it is for now - as the kids get older things will get easier.

but so long as you do things togetehr he continues to control you and the dcs dont get the picture - dad comes to the house, mum stays as well, sometimes we go out all together... - they really not gonna understand you separated are they?

Original poster

TheSteelFairy2 · 17/05/2010 10:44

No, I know, this is what I am trying to break out from but he makes it incredibly difficult eg the name calling and telling me I don't love the kids etc. Basically HE is still in control and that is what bugs me, I am not sitting here yearning for time away from my dc, quite the opposite.

Yes he sees them every day but sometimes only for half an hour or an hour etc and I never really know when it will be this is why I tried to take yesterday afternoon as it is one of the rare times that I actually know what his timings are and still he tried to block it.

I don't want to be away from my kids on a daily basis, I love them and love being with them I just want to be able to make an arrangement for myself say once a month that is not changed, altered or just totally disregarded by him. It really is more about him still being in control than yearning for time for myself. Him being dismissive of me telling me I don't NEED two hours at the gym, I can go for twenty minutes, or no you can't go that cinema showing because I have made plans for this evening that are more important than yours and so on.

Guess I just have to put up with though as nothing can really change while he is seeing the kids on a daily basis like this. I just want to be free of him without controlling his relationship with his kids. I want his kids to see him every day but he uses this to keep control.

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