I despise my ex, I really do.

[TheSteelFairy2]

Today he was supposed to so something with kids for the afternoon, so I made plans.

He arrives on time but then makes me feel guilty as he is taking them to the fair and dd "just won't enjoy it without you". So I go with them. Then tells me that he needs to be back by a certain time, thus cutting even further into my time. No way to get done what I want to do in the couple of hours he has now given me.

I had a moan and asked him how he would feel if everytime he went out someone said yes fine, but you can only go for two hours - that is the most time I ever get before he has to go and do his plans, to which he responded by telling me I am selfish, have Mental Health issues and if I really hate being with my kids that much I should let him move back in and I can just go and do my own thing. This is because I told him I just want one afternoon a month that is not encroached upon or changed or I am made to feel guilty about. All this twisted into me not loving my kids.

He then used all this to justify storming off in front of dc, making them cry and thereby denying me ANY time at all to myself.

Just a rant really because I just really fu*king hate him, I really do. He just hates me doing anything by myself, he was always like this when we were married too, so controlling.

OK you need to take the control back.

Drop the kids off at his, and collect them. Then YOU are in charge of the whole process.

Don't get into the arguments, don't take the bate, be business like if you can.

By arguing about your entitlement to some time off is giving him the reaction he wants. It's easy to turn it around - you are giving him valuable time with the children.

Draw up a timetable of contact that suits YOU and the children, give it to him and get him to stick to it. Try not to vary this, so that he gets used to the timetable.

Above all, don't give in to the emotional blackmail, of course you need time to yourself, you don't have to justify it to him. It makes you a better mum.

You have to get this on a more formal basis for it to work.

as was suggested, you need to arrange a reliable babysitter for the times you want to do your thing, so what he does is not in the equation.

why do you want him to see them every day? what is the point of popping for half and hour , annoying you in the meantime? what do the kids get out of it? a stressed mum?

it is a nice idea - but not when it impacts on you like this.

better make it separate days, for longer times... these days with dad/these days with mum. make a routine,

if you make it longer sessions say mon - weds - fri it might work out better for all. then you get tues thurs sat (whatever you decide with him) full on...

thing is you cant have it all ways - you dont want to /cant be around him but you "don't want to be away from my kids on a daily basis," -

by dint of separation - you (me, anyone) have to let go and hand over the kids to dad - so ultimately have to get used to not being with them 24/7 and get used to the idea that in future - we wont even see them every day, they will be spending weekends/weeks on holiday away with dad.

it is in no way about you not loving them enough - you are repeating stuff HE has out in your head.

when we send our kids to school it doesnt mean we dont love them!

when we try and let them build a relationship with the other parent - it doesnt mean we abandoned them.

have you been to counselling or divorce and separation counseelling/workshop? can really help....

what he thinks about you is HIS problem --repeat to self.

as dolly said - write to him with proposal for regular contact routine that will work for both of you

eg tues and thurs after school between 3.30 to 7 pm .then alternate weekends saturdays this time to this time; sunday this time to this time ; ...etc depends on kids ages etc

from now - he doesnt see them a t your place. he has to come up with arrangements at HIS place tos ee them (or his mum and dad whatever - just not at your place)

One of my children has SN (autism) so getting a babysitter not really feasible. It really does need to be him or a family member.

Unfortunately we have no family nearby which makes things problematic.

It is a very difficult situation, the usual solutions don't apply in this case, he lives in one room in a shared house, so can't take them there.

He has told me today that he will be looking at renting a house of his own where he can take the dc when his contract is up on his present place so hopefully things will lighten up then.

I still believe though that he will just try to control me in other ways then though, it is just easier atm because he is here daily. It is just the way he constantly puts himself first and I am not worthy of any consideration I am expected to fall in with him and what he wants completely otherwise he starts shouting and being abusive.

Thank you for all your advice, certainly given me some ideas.

how old is the child with SN? are you under children with disabilities team? have you asked about respite/direct payments?

it is feasible to get babysitter/carer - and SS can help fund it. advertsie lcoally eg TAs at school, local special school etc.

you really need to start asking for direct payments and/or respite care/carers so you can get a babysitter for him - i know, as my oldest has SN autism SLD. have had DPs for number of years and he now has o/night respite. ( and ex cannot currently have him since he ran away from his place and ex is refusing to beef up his security!)

it is so important you have a back up other than you/your ex for your son - and that your son CAN be looked after by someone else.

and SS CAN provide you with funds to employ and train up someone you decide - or provide agency carers sometimes schemes like cross roads depends where you are.

dont use his SN as an excuse.... you NEED for your/his sake to have other carers in place - you just dont know when you might need it, so far better to have it built up, with someone who knows him, way before there is any kind of emergency and you desperate. ask SS for a carers assessment, get some DPs in place and start employing someone regularly so he gets used to someone and you get used to leaving him with someone else too.

you just dont know when something is going to happen and neither you nor your ex will be able to be there for wahatever reason, whether for a few hours or a few days.

things happen.

be prepared.

even more so with a SN child. the others you can leave with nighbours/friends - the one with SN you need people you trained in his needs and who he is ok with.

or even just because once a month you want some time off and need to know he cared for.

"otherwise he starts shouting and being abusive." -again repeat to self - his reaction is his problem. if you can keep him out your house, then his ranting can be shut off. he can shout and be abusive - but if he outside our door then you can barricade yourself in - phsyically and mentally - and ignore.

My exh is like this TSF, he used to fit the children in around his life whereas I fit my life around them. If his job changed, then all the arrangments would be changed.

Even when my mother was dying and I had committments to care for her, he still cancelled weekends. If he had something to go to, he wouldn't get a sitter, the care would default to me.

He sees them at the contact centre now, although this will most probably change depending on Cafcass. But, I made a decision when he WAS seeing them.

I decided that I would never let on that he'd messed me around, if he cancelled I just arranged something else. He got bored of getting no reaction.

Unfortunately he got it in other ways, as in shouting abuse at me and physically pushing me around in front of the boys. That was when contact stopped.

It's not acceptable for an exh to behave in this way, and you need to put a stop to it. He needs to know that he can't get away with this and, more importantly than anything, that the children DON'T want to see it either.

I'm sure you have heard the line 'you chose to be a single mother, so it's what you wanted' as I have had trotted out on many occasions, to which I reply 'I chose to not be married to a drunk fuckwit'.

Just detatch yourself emotionally. I'm sure you could find a sitter if your child gets to know someone slowly. It's worth trying to find somone so that you're not reliant on him because he's going to let you down.

yes detach. cut off. dont react to him...

poor TSF - i think dolly and i are having a go at you -- but we been there and it is in a good way hope you take in spirit it is intended

Oh I hope you don't think we're having a go, cestlavielife and I are being supportive.

Really it's hard to do it, but you must for your own sanity.

If he was capable of being resonable and to do the right thing, you'd probably still be with him, right?

TS2 my x used to try and pull a similar stunt. He only wanted to take out dc1 (as dc2 has autism and is quite hard work). He wanted me along to 'control' dc2. I said no. Then he said only wanted to take out dc1. I said no. Both or neither. Eventually he took both. I don't even have his number any more though. I deleted it. And I have a new phone, so he doesn't know my number. He has to go through somebody else to abuse me, so that reins him in a bit.

TSF2, he sees them EVERY day! oh god help you. You have to cut that down. There'll be high drama and pouting and name-calling for 3 months, but weather that storm because it's an investment into the rest of your life... and sanity.

What a prick. I'd hate his guts too.

It's all about control. He knows that whilst you're with the DCs you're not with another man. He is preventing you from having a life outside your family, and that is crap.

Next time he says you should go with them, say that you have something else planned. No explination. he will accuse you of allsorts- Blank him and tell the children that you're off to have a lovely relaxing time, you'll be thinking of them and you'll look forward to seeing them when they come back. DON'T be emotionally blackmailed by this man- He is talking crap, you adore your kids and you both know it.

(Whereabouts are you, btw? If you're mid-Wales, I have lots of biscuits and coffee...)

You fully deserve a break STeel Fairy and be really firm withyour Es. He is very controlling but dont let him control you . I say No to my Ex now , he doesnt like it but i just stick to my guns and duck when the annoyance comes flyin gmy way from him.. Its just Tough Tit they cant get their own way ANYMORE ! My Ex wasw very bossy and got his way about things and if he didnt he got really shitty and gave me a hard time , so in IMHO its now time he doesnt get his way . Now its my way or no way. My Ex doesnt like it but its just tought shit. He treated me badly (violent) and is going to pay for it. All our diagreements are just between him and I and 9 yr olds DS is well clear from them. I dont want to upset him . he has been through enuf crappy parental rubbish.
Wishing you luck SteelFairy . Be STRONG. xx

Steelfairy2, I feel for you and know where your coming from.My ex is also this dominant, controlling type and during the last two monthes(seperated for 7mths) I've finally managed to stand up to him and swing him to a set time alone with dc-finally and now I would not go back.Winter was awful, he used to stand in snow with dc because "mummy doesn't want me in House" rather than go somewhere with them. He was just interested in getting in house to control and put me down again verbally.
Some tips that might help...little lie is good idea, mine only agreed to one set night when I said I must work on this evening (not willing to give me freetime but hoping I could earn more so as his maintenance for 3dc is less)
Also, at first when you can't stand up to him hide when he comes (corner shop, visit neighbour etc) say bye to dc and go-no time for confrontation.
Start to visually imagine some sort of shield around you before he arrives and one day you'll be strong enough to cut his access to you. In the end I did it, it was imaginable before but one day I did it and from then on he knew I meant business, stopped his stupid games and now picks up dc and has even learnt to spend time alone with them. Keep working on it, its your right!

Yes , perservere and you will get it how you want it, in the end. Good luck !

I don't feel like anyone is having a go at me at all. I know I can be quite defeatist but I have begun to realise that it is the fall out of years of abuse that makes me like this. I can't tell you how helpful the advice has been on here.

He came last night and I picked up my bag and left immediately. He rang about an hour later and said "look you don't have to stay out of the house you know, as long as we don't talk about the past we will be fine and can be friends". WTF?! How can I be friends with someone who tells me I don't love my kids and verbally abuses me whenever he doesn't get his own way? I said "well I think it is best, now are the kids ok? yes, good bye will be back at 10." He was super duper chatty and pleasant when I returned but I have been here a million times before and I know he is just trying to suck me back in again so he can put the boot in again in a few weeks.

Would like to get the dc their own phone so he can phone them direct but the last time I did that he took it as his was "broken" (just so happened it had £20 credit it on it as well) and said he would replace it but never did. He is just such a twat.

'you chose to be a single mother, so it's what you wanted'. Lol do they all say that then? When we were married he used to say things like "well you wanted kids" if ever I wanted to go out and do anything alone or "you have the least amount of maternal instinct of anyone I have ever heard of" because I wanted to go to college and leave dd with him during the day (he worked shifts so it would have worked out really well).

Anyway enough ranting about him. I know I am strong enough to keep him at arms length. I am interested to say how long he can keep up being chatty and nice with me to reel me back in.

SteelFairy did you leave him in your house?

That's something you'll need to sort out long term of course, but at least you've taken the first step.

Keep business like with him, don't be fooled by the nice act. My exh would do this, just before he asked for a favour or cancelled another weekend.

and yes, I think they do all say 'you chose to be a single mother' !! there are lots of good responses to that one though

'you chose to be a drunk/fuckwit/insert you own here'

Good for you that you went out Stellfairy, it really is the first step. I did it a few times, came back to a messy house and it really felt like a dog had been peeing on my terriory. In fact, even when he used to pick the dc up he used to always say I'll just go to the loo (Walk thru house and control) until one day I couldn't stand it anymore and told him it was my house now and he had a bladder problem! Took a few times and me shaking in my shoes because I'd quite got used to not saying what I wanted with him but I did it in the end, I kept him out the house because quite honestly, it is a control thing isn't it? Love your answer back line, Dollytwat, thing is I'd have never dared say it when he used to say "you chose to be a single mother, didn't expect you'd get maintenance too, did you?" but luckily, we don't talk at all now which is even better, odd word about dc practicaliites but I am very wary because like you Sfairy, I knew the nice words would always lead to eruptions, control or verbalabuse etc...better to have no dialogue anymore..keep going Steelfairy!