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Lone parents

Why I am happier as a lone parent.

124 replies

TheSteelFairy2 · 11/05/2010 11:21

Just a follow on from the other thread about doing ok as a lone parent.

So we can tell our stories without hijacking that thread.

I am happier as a lone parent because

My children are happier because there is not an unpleasant, bickering, argumentative atmosphere all the time.

I am better off financially, even though on benefits. Ex used to gamble and drink all our money away.

I wake up every morning to a peaceful flat, no lazy man snoring, refusing to get up and help with dc and then when he DOES get up being nasty and aggressive because usually hung over.

No constantly being accused of having unpleasant motives behind every single thing I say or do. Being forced to defend myself for making normal requests, buying something for myself or even being on MN.

No being called a "bully" or "controlling" because I dare ask him to do something round the house or with the dc.

No wakeful nights when he rolls in at 5 in the morning and thinks nothing of leaning on the door bell because he is too drunk to use his keys.

No finding suspect telephone numbers or text messages on his phone.

NO SKY SPORTS! I cancelled it the day he moved out!

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 28/06/2010 21:25

Sorry, cross posted, was replying to your earlier post about whether it's already too late for yoru children.

it's never too late. I really believe that.

FrazzleRock · 28/06/2010 21:28

I've only read the first page but I could have written the op!

H leaving tomorrow.

I feel brighter already. In fact, he's being very good about it all which is a huge relief.

A bit worried about the money side but hoping that will sort itself out, where do I start?

Magalyxyz · 29/06/2010 13:44

HerBeatitude, I know what you mean about feeling emotionally whole again. I know this comparison sounds very dramatic and self-indulgent! but in some ways I feel like the bionic woman now! I started off a bit chaotic, without direction, without a strong sense of self, without a strong self-esteem, with no innate yardstick of what behaviours were acceptable and unacceptable.....

But after 7 years of being treated like shit, and about 20 months of all the thoughts and questions and getting over it and figuring out what to fight for, what to let go... what to take responsibility for myself....... i feel a bit 're-built' better than I was before

Magalyxyz · 29/06/2010 13:50

Frazzle, congratulations!

FrazzleRock · 29/06/2010 14:11

thanks Magalyxyz - I thought I'd killed the thread then!

I feel a little odd, not sure how I feel tbh.
I'm happy about it but when he phoned me earlier I felt like I was going to burst into tears just hearing his voice.

I think I managed to keep it from him but afterwards I just sobbed.

WTF is wrong with me? I've wanted this for so long. I'm finally free from all the shit.

Perhaps it's apprehensiveness. I'm worried about relying on benefits. I feel weird accepting free money from the government. I've only ever been given very minimal tax credits and obviously child benefit. We've always managed to get by on what we earn (just)

Magalyxyz · 29/06/2010 15:03

It takes a while to disconnect from somebody. it doesn't mean you're having regrets or that you 'love' them still. It just simply means that for a long time your life has been so wrapped up in theirs that it takes a while to shift gear, and to begin to think of them as a mere acquaintance. It happens though! It took me 18 months to properly relegate my x, or disconnect from him, however you phrase it.

It is really excellent when you are totally free though. When you get to the point where they could be standing their mocking you or being nasty,unreasonable, late, drunk or whatever their party trick was....... and you do not care. You barely register what they do/say and you certainly won't be imagining what they're thinking! Ha! I haven't given headspace to what my x mgiht be thinking for at least 18 months.

So if you don't feel properly free yet, don't worry. It'll come. You're physically free and emotionally free will follow.

I went to a private school and took music lessons yadda yadda, not that it's relevant to what happened to me, but my point is that I never envisaged myself being on benefits. But I had/have a 5 year plan and I've saved some money and next year both my children will be at school. it gets better and it gets easier, emotionally, practically, financially... Don't ever apologise to anybody least of all your self for needing benefits!!

I paid taxes for 11 years god damnit ! also, the kids father pays taxes - he doesn't pay maintenance (separate issue to do with his being a hopeless case) but why should I apologise for taking the help that's offered to the people who need it? i hope you can learn to live with taking benefits temporarily. it's the people who feel awkward with it who won't become complacent and take the help forever. But that's what it is, help, and you need it now. So don't feel bad.

Pep talk over (for now!).

ps, think about how many of your brothers and sisters etc are paying a cart load of tax. This one trickle of money flowing back in your family's direction (temporarily) won't even scratch the surface of the money you and your family have paid to IR. I hope you feel better about it now!

gettingeasier · 29/06/2010 18:51

Magalyxyz that is so very true especially if you have been with h a long time , relieved to pick up that it took you 18 months to fully switch off from exh. I know I am a long way in because I feel nothing about ow now unless its connected with dcs, its surprised me actually how fast its been.

Lovely earlier to just last minute pop over to a friends for however long I fancied come home do ds a really simple tea he loves and sit on MN nobody to question me or criticise me

Hmm starting to see how this thread began and why its got this name....sweet freedom

mamalovesmojitos · 01/07/2010 23:05

love this thread...had lost it for a while. good to see everybody still working damn hard to stay positive for themselves and their dcs.

if anything needs to be said again it is that i do not in any way hate men, like the other posters. i have wonderful males in my life. unfortunately the one man i had a long-term relationship with was a rather nasty piece of work (i truly say that objectively, with a lot of hindsight) and now i'm so happy i don't want to rock the boat again.

i'm only in my twenties and i am very open to the idea of having another long term relationship. not yet, but in the future. saying that, if i don't ever do find someone, its truly not a big deal either. i'm independent now - its a good feeling .

mamalovesmojitos · 01/07/2010 23:11

'if i don't ever do find someone' ?

gettingeasier · 01/07/2010 23:44

Listen with that name you're bound to !!

Seriously though Its damn hard as you say to stay positive at times but when I discovered this thread it was such a tonic to the "poor Jane " viewpoint the idea of celebrating being single - a whole new world !!

Magalyxyz hope you're feeling as upbeat as you always sound !

Any lurkers who may have even the smallest positive thing to say about being single post away !

ValiumSingleton · 03/07/2010 11:23

.

nowherewoman · 03/07/2010 11:33

Not having to listen to the constant tapping of thumbs on an x-box controller

ValiumSingleton · 03/07/2010 12:25

oh you don't miss that?!

nowherewoman · 03/07/2010 12:35

And I also don't miss the sound of gunfire, men screaming as they die in agony, constantly repeated phrases etc. Bloody x-box.

duckonthepond · 03/07/2010 15:09

nowherewoman I am so with you on not missing the sound of gunfire and being made to leave the living room at 9.30pm so that he could play on his x-box without being disturbed???!!!! (No I'm not sure why on earth I put up with that one either.)

Sorry if this is TMI but I will also add that add that I am so much happier as a lone parent because I now don't have to put up with my ex picking his ears/nose and flicking stuff round the room.

Hmmmm...do I ever want another relationship again?

TimeForMe · 03/07/2010 16:19

Great thread

I feel 20 years younger. I feel attractive and carefree. I smile so much more and I'm attracting new friends. I am no longer depressed or living under the dark cloud of abuse. I can breathe properly!!

Watching my previously shy and confidence crippled DD play with her new friends is wonderful, hearing her laugh and seeing her smile is even more wonderful.

I have money for the first time in years!! i can choose my own decor, food, bedtime. I don't have to leave the room at 7pm any more just so he can watch what he likes on TV. I can stay up late like a proper grown up

I no longer have to iron his shirts, pick up his dirty clothes, make him a proper roast meal every day.

There are lots of things I love about being single but the main one is that I no longer have to look at his miserable, disapproving, nasty face or listen to his growling or barking orders at me. I'm free!!

positive1 · 05/07/2010 22:06

this thread has made me smile!! I'm about to be a single parent..though acting one for the last six months. I'm moving out this weekend and can't believe i feel so positive about it especially after reading your posts. At the mo Life is fun and relaxed.. until i get home!!I can only see it being easier when i leave the biggest child behind..HE'S been more stress than my 2&4 yr old put together..HAPPY DAYS!!

valiumSingleton · 06/07/2010 19:18

Good, I like your screen name!

swallowedAfly · 29/07/2010 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gettingeasier · 29/07/2010 16:42

"lost in the endlessness of it and the 'my whole life' kind of anxiety"

That neatly summarises my last 3 days where I have barely moved from the sofa !

BUT as per the ethos of the thread the only way to not be going through this would to still be with H . No thanks.

Have no CSA experience (yet) but you should start a thread swallowed no doubt there will be plenty who have !

HellyG83 · 30/07/2010 13:19

I'm so pleased I read all your comments. I am single and desperately want a baby and have started the ball rolling to go ahead with donor insemination.

My friends have been trying to convince me that just because I haven't found the right man yet I should wait as I'm only 27. They don't seem to understand that I am happy being single!

Its so good to know that there are plenty of happy single parents out there! You have all reminded me exactly why I want to do this by myself!!!

Keep being amazing, strong and inspirational!! :-)

wornoutbyarguing · 30/07/2010 22:42

14 days as a lone parent and i am starting to LOVE IT ,moved out 2 weeks ago and never going back

no moans meals are shrivelled in oven as he is late from work

no worrying who hes chatting to on sex lines or w*** to on porn sites

no smelly clothes chucked by laundry basket

no more bloody top gear,crap comedie shows or dave tv

no more feeling embarressed about rubbish piled up in garden cos he hust loves to pee off the neighbours

no more being woken up late at night cos he decided to bring in work tools and dump them in hallway,too lazy to put them in shed and then have a midnight bath

love it sorry it took so long to leave :0

can burn as many joss sticks as i like

gettingeasier · 31/07/2010 13:14

oh yes I forgot..

burn scented candles

have a bunch of lilys where I like

football as in EVERY single match possible

asking about what are plans are with as much enthusiasm as writing own eulogy

asking "Whats that flavour" in an is it dog shit sort of way when you have tried really hard with a meal

But am missing someone to fix my doorbell ..

ValiumSingleton · 02/08/2010 17:37

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