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Lone parents

Why I am happier as a lone parent.

124 replies

TheSteelFairy2 · 11/05/2010 11:21

Just a follow on from the other thread about doing ok as a lone parent.

So we can tell our stories without hijacking that thread.

I am happier as a lone parent because

My children are happier because there is not an unpleasant, bickering, argumentative atmosphere all the time.

I am better off financially, even though on benefits. Ex used to gamble and drink all our money away.

I wake up every morning to a peaceful flat, no lazy man snoring, refusing to get up and help with dc and then when he DOES get up being nasty and aggressive because usually hung over.

No constantly being accused of having unpleasant motives behind every single thing I say or do. Being forced to defend myself for making normal requests, buying something for myself or even being on MN.

No being called a "bully" or "controlling" because I dare ask him to do something round the house or with the dc.

No wakeful nights when he rolls in at 5 in the morning and thinks nothing of leaning on the door bell because he is too drunk to use his keys.

No finding suspect telephone numbers or text messages on his phone.

NO SKY SPORTS! I cancelled it the day he moved out!

OP posts:
Magalyxyz · 19/06/2010 10:42

TheSteelFairy2, I couldn't agree more!! I am happier too. For all the reasons you say.

Magalyxyz · 19/06/2010 10:45

ps I agree about the going out babysitter willing as well! Now when I go out either my parents do it for free! and they say have a nice time!! I used to be made feel guilty for going out with friends! ha! Or a neighbour babysits for me. Life is easier.

maktaitai · 19/06/2010 10:52

Hope you don't mind if I post [says she doing so anyway] as it's not entirely relevant but was this morning just looking at the table mats I bought the weekend after I left my first husband, and remembering that deep sense of peace and liberty I felt almost from the moment we were apart. In particular I don't think I turned the tv on for about 3 months, having been force-fed his video collection for years, with sulks if I suggested doing something else. The end of the constant negotiating, constant belittling of any of my choices, the privacy and again the PEACE. Wishing you all the same.

SpiritualKnot · 19/06/2010 11:16

Things I like ( 3 months separated, getting divorced, he's with OW):

Flirting with our builders

My new conservatory (got quotes day after he left)

Lying in bed being lazy (previously.."What's wrong with you, you're always tired")

Spotless house (previously.."this house is never tidy, if it wasn't for me you'd have rooms stacked high with full carrier bags")

Eating meals at 6pm with my kids (previously... he cooked and meal times were all over the place and kids rushing in and out coz of their activities)

Not having to go on expensive holidays with kids and without H, just to escape from him and relax and chill...can do that at home now.(He refused to come with us)

Being able to get a lodger in if I need more cash (he was tight and wouldn't have "strangers" in our house)

Agree that life is easier and definitely more peaceful now as well.

mamalovesmojitos · 19/06/2010 13:45

oh my goodness, life is so wonderful without xp!

i love decorating the house in any way i want. love just cleaning up after dd instead of picking up someone else's shit off the floor all day long as they sat on the couch.

love bouncing out of bed in the mornings and ggetting some work done without a drunk slob hanging around making smart comments.

love enjoying my own telly, listening to my own music, cooking for myself. living in a happy, smiley, relaxed, peaceful home. i love coming home in the evenings, lighting candles, baking cakes, sitting under blankets, putting flowers in vases, dancing around the kitchen. our place is tiny but really lovely.

having freedom without somebody making smart remarks about every single thing i do. having the freedom to see who i like and not having to answer to anybody. not waiting up for drunk slob to crash through the door, starting a fight or dropping chips everywhere. not being ashamed everytime we socialised together.

the atmosphere used to be of negativity and laziness, xp had no interest in tidying anything, eating vegetables, showering daily, getting up at a certain time. he was just stuck in a haze. he has no basic standards. thank god i left and dd is too young to remember what it was like.

i love my life now! i'm excited about the future. i'm aiming big

GypsyMoth · 19/06/2010 13:47

wow mama!!!

that was a great post!! and sums it up for me too.....its a great life!

shimmerysilverglitter · 19/06/2010 14:35

"the atmosphere used to be of negativity and laziness, xp had no interest in tidying anything, eating vegetables, showering daily, getting up at a certain time. he was just stuck in a haze. he has no basic standards. thank god i left and dd is too young to remember what it was like."

This struck a chord with me but more due to the fact that he consistently put himself, his needs, his social life, finances before everyone else in the family. He would bath before everyone else, make sure he was dressed and ready to go while I was racing around getting kids and myself ready. Needless to say he and dc always looked immaculately turned out and I looked a complete mess, there was never enough time for ME to get ready too. It was all about HIM. I was almost like a none person, just there to take care of kids and keep HIS home running smoothly. I didn't exist to him except to make HIS life easier. He used to be absolutely furious if I ever took time for myself or was tired and asked for help.

Magalyxyz · 19/06/2010 17:36

that's what my life was like too shimmery, a sacrifice to his convenience, but that did not mean that he appreciated a damn thing I did. He blamed me for everything, from not being able to find the remote control to the shop being out of pringles.

Magalyxyz · 19/06/2010 17:37

ps Mama, again, more chords striking, I also love to plan how I will decorate a room, to my taste. And I also love socialising and not worrying he will say something nasty or inappropriate.

HotSprocket · 19/06/2010 19:25

This is great. I think i am about to become a lone parent to my 8 week old dd.
I was feeling really scared about it but all your stories have made me feel uch more positive.

gettingeasier · 20/06/2010 15:14

As a new user on MN I want to say how fab reading this thread made me feel yesterday when I was low,threeblond your line about watching your married friends put up with so much just to stay married made me shudder - I was in their ranks until boxing day when exh left and now I am not and hard process though its been and often still is I have rediscovered me self respect and pride along the way.

I now recognise how during our 17 year relationship I gradually put myself into the shadows we ate the food he liked , holidays around his preferences , listened to his music etc . My interests and wants were derided and always considered inferior choices to his , eg Eastenders is for losers but football is the pinnacle of good taste. Even while he was still here I could see how offhand and brusque he was to me as a matter of course and I hated the way he spoke to me as another poster (soory cant remember who)said no one in my life speaks to me like that anymore and its fantastic but when you are dealing with all the hassles of actual divorce and feeling sorry for yourself its easy to lose sight of those things you hated and see your exh with rose tinted specs and this thread has reconnected me to the fact thatI am better off without him

So I guess I may not quite love single mum life yet but I certainly wouldnt want to be back in that lonely place I spent a decade in !

Magalyxyz · 20/06/2010 16:16

We should keep this thread bumped. I think a lot of married women just have no idea. The bag is only lifted off your head when you are free of the negative/abusive/lazy/selfish/mean/moody/grumpy presence (delete as applicable - or leave them all in).

I knew I had to end things but I was so scared to do it, as soon as I had done it, I realised I should have done it years earlier. In fact, as hard as it is to believe now, I thought I might regret ending things!!

gettingeasier · 20/06/2010 16:27

That is so true and but its also true its very scary to take action. I suppose as long as the end result is the same it doesnt matter but what is hard for my esteem is that even in spite of his behaviour he was the one who left me and if he hadnt I would probably - no sorry be honest - definetly still be with him .

Trying still to work out why we cling on for so long...

Magalyxyz · 20/06/2010 18:14

Yes I can see how that would be harder to live with...... but you can 're-build' yourself, and you can think about why you tolerated it and know that you would never, ever tolerate it again.

And you don't know that you would never have woken up and smelt the coffee. I sometimes think that I could so easily in a parallel universe still be there.

gettingeasier · 21/06/2010 19:50

Hi Magalyxyz would it be bad etiquette for a newbie to ask why you were scared to end things ? I seem to be having a day where yes ok there are lots of pluses to not living with exh but am resenting fact he is probably sitting on the pub terrace waiting for the next match to start with ow while I am loading dishwasher and arbitrating between dcs about something.

I wanted to end things at various points during last decade and actually most of things that scare me havent been how I thought. However abiding worry was and is can I support myself and kids and stand on my own 2 feet financially. Am currently waiting for exhs proposal re finance for our divorce and to see what exactly do and dont have. Brought up by skint single mum and left me terrified of going down same road.

Megancleo · 21/06/2010 21:34

wow, having just had a badish day (ongoing financial nightmare, need new home and job and then not coped well with 3dc today..)it was sooooooo good to return to this thread and think, yep I did it, I left ex that fits into most descriptions on this side! Life will get better...and again I'm thankful to be single again. One sad thought though, sister visited with new dh last week and yes, second time round has also landed a lazy, irresponsible specimen-sad. This thread is a brilliant way to show whats important in life!

gettingeasier · 23/06/2010 19:00

HotSprocket are you ok ?

My cousins marriage ended leaving her with a 4 month old baby and nearly 4 year old. She now finds her baby is her solace and being busy keeps her sane - hope thats same for you ?

Megan still dont know my financial situation waiting to hear from exh but know I have to move and get a job and trying to be optimistic - an uphill struggle today !!

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine more than me feeling sorry for myself today

desiretochange · 24/06/2010 11:55

Just want to say thanks for this thread. Have been separated for over 13 years. Have been feeling down lately but now having read the comments on this thread it reminded me that my life is so much better than when I was married although I think I think my self-esteem is affected after all the years of constant put downs etc.

innerstrength · 25/06/2010 21:13

Thank you also from me for this thread. I have only been separated for 16 days, and, much as I know I've made the right decision, I had been feeling very down tonight, and this has really cheered me.

For me it is: not having to put up with the grumpy black cloud in the corner of the room on his lap top; not needing to lie awake all night thinking 'is he really at work still or is he with ow'; also thinking 'how many lies has he told me today', and putting up with his disgusting alcoholic reek.

I feel calmer, even though I am sad because it is early days.

gettingeasier · 25/06/2010 21:40

inner cant post now just showing my friend MN and what a fab site it is but you are doing the right thing will write more tomorrow and am sure you will gets lots of support from others on here

robd · 25/06/2010 22:48

No more being made to feel guilty everyday because she had to work after son was born.

No more being told to go out shopping or make tea the moment I come home from work so she could spend quality time with son after her work.

Not having to live with someone who didn't love me and made little effort to care for me.

Being able to go on holiday with son to a place that I would actually like to go to because she would never compromise.

Not having to worry about son being bought up by two people who were merely co-parenting and not developing own relationship effectively.

But I miss reading to son in evening, waking up in his house on birthday and Christmas, those spontaneous moments which you can't really get when you only see him twice a week.

Just thought this thread was getting very man bashing - we do have some uses but if you lot prefer being single with your child, then that's fine. But I bet there are some happy families out there.

BelleDameSansMerci · 25/06/2010 22:57

Wow - so many of my favourite MNers are single parents too.

I love it. I'm another one who's been single all along.

Although DD's father is a very nice man who is tall, dark, handsome and says he loves us sadly his behaviour does not exactly prove this. I'm sure lots of men are lovely but I don't seem to be able to pick 'em!

I honestly cannot imagine living with a man ever again. It's been 11 years since I lived with the last one.

ExitPursuedByABear · 25/06/2010 23:07

Hi Robd - quite shocked by the comments on here - sorry you all got hitched up with such dreadful people, but yes, there are some women out here who do what we want within in a marriage - choose holidays, food, telly, have an equal relationship and have happy children. Horses for courses - please don't presume that all married woman have made the crap choices you did. 17 years with someone who lies on a sofa verbally abusing you and smoking spliffs. Because?

gettingeasier · 26/06/2010 01:54

robd yes I fought tooth and nail to be a happy family but exh loved alcohol and himself more. Know there are guys who probably suffer at hands of women just as much.

Exit - who are you talking to about crap choices ? Actually you sound smug and unsympathetic and I hope you have a crystal ball so that you dont find yourself in a situation you never envisaged through no fault of your own

BelleDameSansMerci · 26/06/2010 07:26

Exit you could read the thread. It was about the positive things we enjoy about being lone parents. Thanks for dragging it down...

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