Share your tips for coping with single parenthood!

[BEAUTlFUL]

I've been a single mum since September and it has been the toughest part of my life ever. But no more wallowing in victimhood and squalor for me! I want to make it awesome from now on. I want to be so amazing at it that previously happily married women take one look at my and my DC's amazing life and immediately tear off their wedding rings and hurl them at their husbands.

Well, not literally, but you know what I'm going for here. Fabulosity.

But I need your help. Can you share any tips for not just coping with single parenthood, but excelling at it? Anything you've learned, from the smallest thing (like bathing them together, etc) to huge (how to get along with your Ex).

Also, if any other single mums want to join my quest for positivity, please sign up here. I've wallowed in self-pity and played the victim for 6 months and it has to stop. I want us all to embrace the good bits of this situation, and work through to a place where we feel we are out of the dark place and into the sunshine, with happy kids, a welcoming home, money, and maybe even a boyfriend (if we want to go and muck it all up again...).

Single Mums unite! And, yes, all you clever single mums and Dads, please post your tips here. No tip is too small. ANYTHING you have found that helps your life run more smoothly is welcome. Thanks!

i have an emergency pot of cash in the house...

and a small savings account as you never know!! (as little as £3 a week goes in)

a support network mentally thought out should i need emergency help

a good toolbox

a radio tuned in to cheerful happy type music to dance round house too while doing housework etc

cleaning the bathroom when kids are in the bath (multi tasking, don't you just love it )

A few easy meals in freezer for days when you can't be bothered to cook "proper" food

wine, and lots of it

A good night out every now and then too....

No doubt I will think of more

Love your post beautiful! I too have been a single mum since september and have been on biggest roller coaster of my life but you are right, positivity is the best form of defence! Only tip I have, being a fellow novice like yourself, is forward planning. I try to make sure me and my DC's have lots of playdates and eating outs with good friends planned well ahead so less time to mope about feeling lonely. Oh and a big bar of choc, washed down with big mug of tea, in bed with favourite soap on telly. Bliss. Sad, but bliss. Keep your positivity coming!

Single mum since ds was 10 days old (and was still in NICU). Good days and bad but what makes me proud (and very happy) is to think what an amazing person he is becoming and how that is solely down to me (we have no contact with ds's father, his choice).

I'm newly single and keeping busy is most important for me.
But I do feel lonely.

Hi Beautiful- recognise you from your inspiring thread on relationships! You can do exactly what you want now within reason-enjoy and take up some hobbies. Since becoming a single mum I've started gardening, baking, painting, jewellery making and design and volunteering for the NCT. It keeps me busy and distracted. I then feel I am more than just a siingle mum. I also want to strart keeping pets- a sort of man/baby substitute! If your dc are very demanding (aren't they all- take up hobbies that they can do too) Also, I've given up looking for men atm- I really cannot be arsed. A lot of happiness comes with that realisation but also the promise of adventure if Mr wonderful does appear one day.

This is great! I too have found myself wallowing in the past...

But now I feel freer than I have done for years. I don't get shouted at or put down or forced to provide for a lazy bloke trapped in a life of daily drudgery

I can go to work with a smile on my face, chat to my buddies and not be afraid to share my own points of view anymore. I can actually say I have friends without being told I don't, and that people don't like me. Now I know that's bollocks!

I can walk down the street and enjoy the scenery without worrying about someone else.

I can enjoy my beautiful daughter and watch her flourish in a stable, happy home and know that everything we have I have provided for and I feel proud.

I can begin to look at my talents that for so long have been brushed aside and trampled on.

I can begin to let go of the anger, fear and resentment that I lived with for years and realise that my life is mine to control.

I can laugh and smile with a freedom I haven't felt for so long.

It's real, true happiness and I love it!!!

Single Parenting for Dummies book, wealth of info there.

Sorry, got a bit carried away!!

should have given some tips for coping but really don't have any other than the odd glass of wine and a good routine. And don't break your back for other people, they have to fit in around you and your kid/s.

Another vote for keeping busy and having arrangements with friends organised in advance. Also, if I have no plans at the weekend, I just grab the dts and go somewhere new - anywhere - even if I have no idea where I'm going when I start the car. This plan is helped by the fact that dts love the car and listening to their nursery rhymes cd (even if I am dying to listen to the radio, sometimes sacrifices have to be made). Personally I find there is nothing worse than sitting at home surrounded by four walls and feeling lonely. I always feel better when I'm out and about.

Have to join in immediately!

Tips, excellent friends on the end of the phone, who know its you even when you cant speak for sobbing, they then recognise you for the smile in your voice later on.

Hot choc and tv in bed, going to bed when YOU want!

Definately cooking too much then freezing half mixed with defined nights "off" when you all (even the baby!)eat pizza and crap while watching the same kids movies for the millionth time as a "treat" with no guilt.

Make changes to traditional times, even if only small certainly helped me get through birthdays and christmas this first time

Teaching rules and manners your way with no one undermining constantly, and feeling so proud when you've all made it through teatime smiling and being nice (a rare occasion)!

Tucking them in at the end of a hard day knowing they're all yours!

Still know the hard times are coming but learning to count my blessings

Beautiful, this is a super idea. Over the last 8 monthes I've learnt to cope and now I like to think I've moved on too...coping started when I could look in the mirror again smile! (forgive myself for having no answers for my lousy marriage) and accept that o.k has to sometimes be good enough for me or dc. Then I could move on and realise without a lousy marriage I was free to be a hippy "cool" mother like I do best. I make the important rules, expect help etc but dc can have lots of mates over to eat, sleep and enjoy our way of family life. I go to bed knowing my dc have the best type of childhood I can offer and that gives me the strength to say directly "sorry children, I can't afford it but shall we do a car boot sale and see if we can make enough money..or look for alternatives. Life is very authentic and I'm being the kind of parent I want to be. On bad days I can choose to keep going or say that today Icuddle in bed with dc and eat chocolate without worrying that ex will walk thru door soon and shout his head off. If I decide to stay longer in bed, read all day or take on new hobby, I decide...oh awesome, to be a real adult!

Agree with the above. Also, remembering it's a balance - sometimes it goes well, sometimes we end up going to the chippy and I drink too much wine when she's in bed.

Weekends - it's best to have a plan. We often go to the morning cinema for kids (only £1 and I can nap) and then go out for lunch using a money saving expert voucher.

Let her help me bid for her clothes on eBay. She loves the excitement and getting the parcels, I love saving the money.

Be proactive in getting her friends over to play and people alwaays want to reciprocate for longer and give you a break.

Also I'm really upfront that I'm a working single parent. I often forget that people didn't know me back then, the wreck I was or how convincing my ex was. People take you as they see you - confident, happy and willing to ask for help.

Male friends also really want to help so I ask specific things. I now know how to pump up the tyres on my car. One (a bit of a geek) found me the cheapest flight to Disneyland. People want to help - let them. The flipside? People always want to tell me how much they envy me and how unhappy they are in their marriages

My tips:

If you've been in a controlling relationship (or even if not!) think of all the things you couldn't do when you were with your ex, and DO THEM! Make a list of the nice things about being single and look at it if you are feeling down about things.

If any of your children are under five, find your local surestart centre and use it - mine has been a fantastic source of support, one dodgy HV, but other than that, fab. Everything is free as well which really helps.

If you get any time where the DCs go to their Dad, use the time wisely. Sleep or read a nice book or get the house spotless or go to the cinema (on your own!) or something. Don't sit around on mumsnet or similar which you can do any time.

Agree with emergency savings/fund. Just your change from the week is enough if you haven't got much spare cash. Also, budget, but include in the budget a little bit of money for treats and/or just to spend on yourself.

Invite people round in the evenings - if you know any other single parents, invite them for dinner, then put the kids to bed all together like a big sleepover, or let them fall asleep in front of a DVD, and have a girlie night in. It breaks the week up a bit.

You NEED an emergency supply of wine/chocolate/cigarettes/anything else that gets you through. Because there will be really shit days. Don't feel guilty about it, as long as it's under control.

Tips for having a good relationship with your ex/dating/etc:
Never badmouth your ex in front of your kids. Grit your teeth, smile and tell them that he loves and cares for them very much, whatever the truth may be. They can (and trust me they will!) make up their minds about him when they are older. If you think he's likely to let them down it might be an idea not to tell them he is coming until the last minute (depending on age etc)

Don't stay emotionally involved with your ex - try not to get sucked in if he is spinning you a sob story. It's easiest if you have a third party you can communicate through in the early days but that isn't always possible. Try to keep communication to email or text so you have a record of what has been said. Be polite even if you want to shout abuse at him.

Don't use access to the children as a bargaining tool. Of course don't hesitate to stop contact if you think their safety is at risk, but if it's just him trying to get at you then don't bring them into it. Set an arrangement and stick to it as much as possible.

Take a break from dating for a while - when you do start dating, don't be looking for anything too serious too quickly.

Develop interests, hobbies, etc - anything - do something that makes you happy. It doesn't have to be expensive or involve courses that need childcare (although if you have the opportunity then this can be great too)

When you start dating make sure you keep these interests going and don't allow all your happiness to rest on another person. Do things for yourself that make you happy.

Get pictures of you having fun with your kids and put them up round the house.

If you are still in the marital home, change things to the way you like them. Make it yours, the way YOU would really like it.

Plan outings and fun things to do with the children when they are with you, and grown up things when they are not.

Go for a walk outside every single day if you can. I have a forest behind my house and walk every day, it gives me a huge sense of peace.

a brilliant thread
ok, here goes:

a stash of emergency cash (1p's and 2p's do count!)

if you can, get a dishwasher

get a toolkit and learn how to use the tools in the privacy of your home

make lots of meals on the weekend and freeze them for during the week

if your childless friends are throwing a party and you don't have childcare ask and you and dc can arrive early before it gets messy! that way you get to spend an hour or so with your friends

have your own interests, outside of parenting, and interests that are child friendly too

ask for help when you need it! i recently had to speak to ds' head teacher about something. i explained that i was seeking advice because as a single parent i don't have another adult's input when it comes to ds. the head teacher was so supportive

be kind to yourself if some days are so inexplicably tough you don't think you will survive without copious chocolates and cigarettes then do what you have to do.

the biggest thing for me was to change my outlook. a family of 2 is still a functioning family unit. enjoy the freedom of only having to clear up after yourself and dc. enjoy only having to budget for yourself and dc. just changing the way you view your life can replace the loneliness with an abundance of lovely me-time

Oh i forgot the best one!!!
get a small notebook and write millions of little lists
seriously, if it hasn't been written down, it may never happen....

I love all of your tips! I have just wasted an entire child-free weekend doing NOTHING when I had loads of ambitious plans to write a quick best-selling novel...

I love the tip about putting happy photos of us with the DC around the house. I love ALL of your tips. Don't stop!!

My tip is to tell your Ex (assuming he's relatively normal!) all the nice things the DC say about him, and how much they look forward to seeing him. I find doing this with my Ex stops him feeling so cut off, and makes him happier to help out. It's easy to not want to do this, but boosting his confidence with the kids keeps him involved.

I am loving this thread too. Its keeping me going through a horrid time as I adjust to being a lone parent.

Maristella I would be so grateful if you might be able to expand on a couple of things you said?

Firstly, the idea of developing interests with DC that you both enjoy. Can you suggest any (my imagination is letting me down)? Ds is 3 and my when we are together, naturally my interests are anything he enjoys. But this can become a little wearing after a run of days on our own. Anything I could really get me teeth into too would be brilliant (maybe he's too young ATM).

Secondly, you suggested changing the way you view your life can make a difference. Any hints or tips on how to start doing this? I am struggling to have a positive outlook about the situation which is hard for me as I am ususlly an optimist.

I think I had better stop moaning on this positive thread!!

elastamum - cheers for tip on living in marital home

I spent most of the weekend rearranging furniture and throwing out all of Ex H's crap knick knacks. Especially in bedroom making it mine

Have ordered new canvas prints for front room too.

Feel so much better for it

Great Thread.

We got a dog and me and DS(4) plan where to walk etc, it has given us both something else to focus on.

I love those winter evenings when we get in and it is just him and me.

I love being single parent, no dreading the key in the door, no trying to pretend that mummy is ok .. life as a single parent is more relaxing!

Can I join?

No tips yet but loving the thread.

This is another good thread that needs bumping I think!
I definately agree with the dog tip! My dog is my saviour, she makes our little family feel complete, makes sure I get out and about for regular exercise and I really never feel lonely or afraid because we have her here (completely useless guard dog as she's a cocker spaniel but still!!).

I have been a single mum since I was 2 months pregnant, DS is now 6 months and we're both having a great time - this is what we do all day:

1. I dance around the kitchen to Florence and the Machines whilst he laughs hysterically

1. We play spaceships a LOT

1. We go out to meet friends and have coffee, or we go visit Granny and Grandpa

1. Every morning he get's his first bottle in my bed and then we play for ages

1. I never let myself get down or depressed, after all I've got a little miracle living with me, what more could I ask for?!

1. I always try to remember that only I can make myself happy - happiness isn't something out there that you find.

1. After some other helpful advice on here I'm also going to concentrate on not getting frustrated and annoyed by XP, must learn to control my reactions to things better!

Hope that helps!