Don't want to be a single parent, hate it, lonely

[secretskillrelationships]

Had a terrible evening this evening and lost it with the kids, again. Have been heading downhill for a while but really struggling of late.

We separated in the summer after it finally dawned on me that he was making absolutely no effort to help sort out our relationship. I was fine at first, as if a huge weight had been lifted but am finding it increasingly difficult. Since Easter, I have been really struggling and in the last few weeks it's as if the grief has finally hit. I feel so sad and have spent hours in tears unable to stop crying.

We have 3 DCs who are all struggling in their own ways. They all feel able to talk to me, which is good, but not their dad who has been erratic and unpredictable since he left. Consequently, I also end up having to deal with the fall out of their visits to him. Also, because he is unpredictable, they tend to be on best behaviour with him so I have to put up with all the crap. I am also the one who has to make sure they do all their homework, practising etc. While at their dad's they do nothing (but then nor does he!).

My oldest is 12 which means I no longer really get an evening if I go to bed early enough to feel vaguely human in the morning. We moved 18 months ago and I thought I was beginning to make friends but I guess not. They say that at times like these you find out who your friends are - well I've found out that I don't have any. My so-called best friend has hardly even called, we've met up twice since the split.

I'm feeling really sorry for myself but also quite desperate. My parents separated when I was 7 and to watch my DCs go through the same is almost unbearable. Am at serious risk of turning into my mother, which is awful. Tonight, after I lost it, I tried to think of a single person I could call and I couldn't come up with one.

Don't know how to keep on supporting everyone while getting no support myself. Having my H leave me after 21 years has knocked my confidence completely. I'm worried about money and I have precious little time even if there was anywhere for me to go. Find it really difficult to motivate myself to do anything on the weekends when I don't have the DCs.

Have had really poor experiences with counselling and now no longer have time or money for individual counselling. The last counselling session, which was a family session, just made me realise that in spite of appearing to be a confident, assertive person, my family treat me like a doormat. The counsellor did not point this out or deal with the behaviour being exhibited in any way at all. Interestingly, she doesn't exactly seem keen to book another appointment (but then, nor am I).

Glad I came on to check the boards before I went to bed so I could answer your post...

So sorry to hear you're feeling low. I hear you and have been there myself so I can appreciate how you must be feeling. Passing you big hugs. Don't worry about crying, you need it right now.

I've come to the point now where I've decided that people I thought were friends really aren't and so have taken the decision to stop trying to maintain the friendship and just to rely on myself. At the end of the day I'm no worse off as the support and friendship wasn't there in reality. Time to find new friends.

Stop trying to be supermum and just veg out in your pj's tomorrow watching dvds if you feel like it. Or get out the house if that's what you need. Forget the homework and chores and drudgery for a day or two.

I've had many days when just getting through to the next day has been a major achievement. Roght now I don't think much further than a few days forward at a time and nothing that involves forward planning. It's fine, the kids will survive and you will get through this too.

It is so so tough, but you are doing a great job when you stop and think about what you're achieving, especially when you consider the fact you don't have any support at all. Don't worry about being perfect right now. Just be the best mum you can be today, and every day for that matter. If it isn't quite what you hoped for then there's tomorrow.

I read your thread and just had to reply, I can not begin to imagine what you are going through. Are you sure there is no-one you can talk to for support. I have no close friends, recently when I was going through a tuff time, the two people I thought were my bested friends turn their back on me, it was the people I least expected that were there for me (people i thought were just aqquantunties). If you need just someone to talk to please post again.

I just feel so crap. Kids put themselves to bed tonight while I was crying and went to check on them. DD has younger DS in her bed, older DS has fallen asleep in his clothes. Tomorrow will be awful, with kids treading on eggshells all day which makes me feel even worse and it all becomes a vicious circle.

I don't want to be a single mum, I worked so hard to avoid it but here I am anyway and it just feels like I'm repeating an awful pattern. As my DD said to me: how could you do this to us having been through it yourself.

I didn't do it to them but I'm the one having to deal with the fallout as if I did. Feel like telling them what a arse their dad is but know that wouldn't be fair. They know really which is why they lean on me but it just feels so bloody unfair.

Not being supermum, house an absolute tip, can't get kids to help (see doormat above). Did think about a trip to the sea tomorrow (for me mainly) but have to supervise homework etc otherwise next week will result in meltdown for oldest. So seem to be stuffed every which way.

Gillybean so glad you posted!!

Hi. The loneliness is horrible, and the trip to the sea sounds good. Getting out of the house is the main thing isn't it? Its crap, suddenly realising you have no friends. I know I'm coming to that realisation myself. But there must be new people to meet and chat to.
When you say you have to supervise homework? Does that mean you have to help with it a lot? Can you not do a trip to the sea in the morning, and homework from 3 in the afternoon or so?

My parents spilt when I was 7, can I please just say to you, concentrate on giving your children love, your human we all lose it from time to time. go and give your gorgous children a kiss goodnight, then try to get some rest. I don't want to dismiss what your going through, children are more forgiving than us adults!! Try and have a fun day with them tomorrow. xx

Homework can wait for a day/week. Contact his form tutor on monday and explain the situation and ask for an extension. Go to the beach if that's what you want, it sounds like you need it.

Don't worry about tomorrow it will be ok. Simply tell the children you were feeling sad, that everyone feels sad sometimes and that you're declaring a duvet day and so you'd really like to cuddle up on the sofa together and to watch dvds to cheer you up. Or that you're all going to the beach and then just go!

Unfortunately, homework can't wait - am already micromanaging it after everything fell apart last term, including weekly phone calls with his tutor. Which just feels like something else for me to cope with to be honest. It feels like i'm spinning so many plates and constantly dropping them.

The beach is possibly doable if we go really early but, to be honest, I'm even worse in the morning at the moment. I wake up feeling desperate. I simply don't want to face another day. Another morning struggling to get the kids out of the door to school which always seems to be a fight - how is it that the 6 year old only has to be told once but the 10 year old has to be told everything many many time and still always forgets something essential which she only remembers half-way to school on a day when I was planning coffee with some other mums (which happens occasionally but obviously only on a day when I have something else on or have to run a forgotten item to school instead).

God I'm boring myself now, it just all feels like such a chore. How do we get to have some fun? Can't think of a single thing I want to do. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't think the kids will be okay - they're behaving how I was when my parents split and I was very far from being okay. Did think I'd dealt with all that and moved on but clearly just repeating old patterns. That said, I'm nowhere near as mad extreme as my mother yet they are acting as if I am. Which is absolutely doing my head in.

Could give you some advise on getting some time to yourself of an evening etc, but I don't think that's what you really need right now.

Am here listening if you need to chat, being able to say how you feel when you've not had anyone to talk to about it can be a huge relief. I've done it myself on here. So don't worry, no one is judging you.

And please be assured you've not said anything that I (and others I'm sure) have also been through myslef re losing it, crying in front of the children, feeling desperate and lonely etc.

It is so tough dealing with everything on your own. It gets to us all at some point. Relentless is a word I have often use to explain how it feels. Crying is part of the healing process. You may have to cry a lot more before you feel better though

Are you still there? I'm still here if you want some company.
If you don't feel like talking that's fine too though

Yes, still here, though I should really go to bed as will only feel more crap in the morning. Just feel on a really self-destructive path at the moment. The kids do understand, sort of, but I think they feel abandoned by their dad (as do I) and are trying to be good to avoid me doing the same. I guess I'm on the edge so they're probably right.

Can't see any way for it to get better and the thought of just hanging on in there for the next 12 years just fills me with despair. My marriage represented so much for me in terms of how I related to the rest of the world. It didn't matter how bad the day was I could always come home and feel that I was home. Now it's just me and there is no-where to go to feel safe and secure. It wasn't that I leant on my ex, more that I felt that I had a family and I was part of it. Now there is no family, I'm back to being alone but now I have 3 hurt DCs to support who are looking to me to provide for absolutely all their needs.

The edge is a tough place to be, but you already know that. Remember that you won't go any further than the edge, even if you may think about it I know you are strong enough to get through this. So right now, as bad as it is, this will be as bad as it ever gets. Every step now will be a step away from the edge. Don't worry or even think about how to make that first step yet. It takes time to heal before you can do that. It will happen without you even realising it.

When I said don't worry about supermum right now I didn't just mean house work etc. I stopped worrying about how my house looked years ago. Not like anyone ever visits me anyway! No, what I mean is that you are taking on the whole burden of your children's emotional wellbeing on top of everything else. Right now your children just need to know that you love them and will be there no matter what. Make sure that they know you need a hug just as much as they may do.

Just do one day at a time, be the best mum you can manage on each of those days as they come.

Don't do the beach tomorrow. Tomorrow let them watch tv while you have a lie in. When you do get up maybe try and tell them you are sorry that you got cross but it wasn't because of them, it was just that you were tired and a bit sad too. Explain how tired you are right now and ask them if they could perhaps help you by doing certain jobs, like the homework that is needed to be done and even something like maybe making you a cup of tea so they can feel like they've done something for you. A small act like that with the thanks you give them can really help I find. No matter how awful the tea may taste! My ds is 11 now is just learning how to make decent tea. When I feel myself starting to get cross I simply say I need a 15 minute break and could he make me some tea and then go play on his ds so I can have some quiet time for 15 mins. Then after I get my quiet time we have a cuddle. It really helps me get through tough days. Though it's preobbaly easier with just one ds than three.
The other thing I do is insist on going to the park right now! Just getting out into the fresh air can help clear your mind and distract you for enough time to keep it together for a little bit longer.

You will be ok, I promise. I know that doesn't help you feel any better right now, but you will be ok, and so will your dc's

Hugs

I know what you mean about the edge. I just keep thinking I'm there and about to go over and then find that, no, there's still further to go. Just want to stop feeling responsible for the whole bloody world. It's the sense of it being relentless and inescapable that really pushes me over. Thanks for your thoughts, they're much appreciated.

I do understand. And there are plenty of us here who have been at that edge. And I'm sure that, if you're anything like me, thinking about it and talking about it is probably sending you off into more tears and feelings of grief and loss.

And it is a loss. You are mourning the loss of your relationship, your family as it was before, your future which was all mapped out and is now uncomprehensible.

If someone close to you had died you wouldn't feel guilty about crying or losing your way for a while. Grieving is a natural process we all have to go through at the loss of a relationship. I also think the grief at the end of a relationship is worse in many ways because it is never final. If he had died you know that's it, you know you won't see him again, you know what the future is. But he hasn't. So you still see your ex, you still have him involved in your life because of the children, and you still have that raw pain inside at the loss each and every time.

I'm probably not helping, but I'm just trying to say it's perfectly normal and OK to feel sad and angry. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself time to do so. Come here for support as and when you need it. Personally I get much more comfort from the words of wisdom and general understanding here from people who actually know how it feels than I ever did from any of my so called friends.

I won't ask if you're feeling any better because I know that's not very likely. But do you feel you're ready to head to bed yet? Go if you are, but don't if you're not. I often don't go to bed till after 2 finding ways to distract myself from my thoughts. Way after 2am sometimes!

You are helping actually, it's been driving me crazy the feeling that people see me managing and being at things with my ex and never think that it might be at all difficult. Do they not remember how painful it is when you separate from someone? Surely everyone has experienced that. Mostly, you get to crawl into a cave and lick your wounds, have a good bitch about your ex and, when you're good a ready, move on.

But, because you have children, suddenly you're supposed to behave in a completely different way. You have to be positive and be seen to be handling it well (for the children), have to be entirely respectful towards your ex (for the children) and keep everything on a civil footing (for the children) when really, if you never saw him again, it would be too soon.

On top of which I've really set myself up. I didn't want the DCs relationship with their dad to be compromised by the feeling it was his fault so went with the joint decision route. Was feeling very angry at the time and was anxious not to let rip with the DCs. I think I've got this wrong. I've always tried to be honest with the DCs. Some evidence that the DCs are reacting to this lack of honesty from me so am trying to be more honest without criticising their dad. Along the lines of I did everything I could to make things work but I couldn't.

The comment about the loss each and every time struck a chord. I realise that I used to go into a room and he was pleased to see me. Now he's indifferent and that shocks me each and every time. Somehow, I can't get my head around his shift from partner of 21 years to indifferent acquaintence almost overnight.

It's like this person who looks and sounds like my H but doesn't act like him - I really don't recognise him at all.

Am going to go to bed now as little one will probably still be up at 7 demanding breakfast (probably 6.30 knowing my luck!). Thanks for talking to me, it has helped just to get some of this rubbish out of my head.

Feed him breakfast and then go back to bed. And I suggest you make it a pj day when you do get up!

I'll check in tomorrow to see how you're doing.

Take care and I hope you get some sleep.
Night night

Hope you managed to get some sleep.
How are you doing this morning?

Skimmed, OP it sounds like a tough time.
Do you have any family to take the kids out for you now and again.
Must be so heavy on you, 3 kids?
I have 2 small ones on my own who luckily can't answer me back yet.
You';re a toughie, I know it's hard, I watched my mum struggle through.
Use any help from family and friends that you can get!

So sorry you're having such a tough time. All entirely normal, natural feelings in the circumstances.

Roughly whereabouts are you? Sounds as though you need some RL support.

Have got some sleep, though not much as youngest up at 7.30 but oldest looked after him and got him breakfast.

DCs all a bit traumatised but coping. Have apologised to them all and told them I love them. DD looked after DS2 last night as he was quite distressed. Got DS1 to make me a cup of tea!

I just can't bear that because of my actions they're now all walking on eggshells but I guess that's the price I pay and it's down to me to rebuild things.

Family not really much help. It took 5 months before any of them even came to see me after we separated (that was my mum) and neither my brother nor sister have made it here yet (they all live about 1.5 hours away). I find it difficult to have my mum here as I'm always supposed to be so grateful, she never comes just to see the GC always to 'help me out'. That said, she has been to stay in hols to look after DCs when I'm at work, which I am genuinely grateful for.

In terms of friends, none really round here as moved about 18 months ago. Have also found that 3 is a much bigger challenge than 2 - somehow you can ask a friend to have 2 DCs over but 3 feels like too many!

So really very little support. Ex is around all the time (not working) but also very hard work. Again, expected to be grateful when he looks after our DCs. I feel very resentful on so many levels. Would have made very different choices had I known he'd wanted out for so long. He claims he didn't know consciously but his actions were totally unsupportive for so long that I'd questioned him on several occasions - I'd never hang on to someone who didn't want to be with me. I don't understand why you would do this to someone you are supposed to care about.

I just feel backed into a corner but I guess I'll just have to find a way out somehow. Most of the time I cope pretty well but then something happens and I feel completely helpless. Sometimes silly things like not being able to undo a screw cos I'm not strong enough but often things where I have no real choice - DS1 has a school trip where he has to be at school at the crack of dawn. So how am I supposed to do that?

Next year all 3 will finish school at different times and I simply don't feel up to 3 pick-ups! They are all happy at school but I see very little of them and wouldn't have agreed to the school had I known the little time I have with them would be halved.

Sorry, off I go again. It will get better I know and I have done really well. I managed to get a job after 12 years out of the market and I am providing for my lovely DCs both physically and emotionally. I've just fallen in a pretty deep hole and can't see the way out at present.

I would get 12 yr old to take himself to school?
How about the ex still playing a role in coming to pick them up for school?
and get the kid to the crack of dawn school trip.

Don't worry about next year school yet, you have time yet. And if your time with them is being halved (which I assume is because of sharing it with your ex) then he wil have to accept responsibility for getting them to and from school some of the time too wouldn't he? Plenty of time for working that out yet, just concentrate on getting through this rough patch you have right now.

You are sounding a bit more positive today, even if you don't realise it.
It's good that your thinking about all the stuff you do manage, and on your own. And congratulations on getting yourself a job.

You would think so wouldn't you gillbean2 but so far he only does stuff as a favour and I resent having to ask all the time. Also, he is proving to be far from reliable and 'forgotten' to collect a child twice since Easter (he only collects 3 times a fortnight so obviously it is hard to fit that into his busy schedule!).

Right back when we split I did ask for help and he said he couldn't commit, which seems to be a bit of a theme at the moment.

The reason the school thing does seem to be a big issue is that I'm also trying to move (yeah, as if I haven't got enough on my hands) from my ridiculously expensive house (fine when he was earning not now I'm trying to cover the lot and interest rates are so low). Have a lot of savings as moved into rental when couldn't find anything suitable to buy but hate having to use this just for day to day expenses. Now looks like I'll have to spend even more to be close to school with the hope that one or two of them could get themselves to and from without my help.

Just feels yet another thing that I have little or no choice about. Would seriously consider moving elsewhere but would be really unfair to move the DCs who are really happy where they are. Also, the thought of finding new schools, new house and new job is very overwhelming. I have always considered everyone's needs but put mine low down the list. Now feeling a right sucker.

Oh yes, and having provisionally agreed money now he wants to renegotiate and so, having arranged to see houses I'm now having to tell agents that I can do nothing at present as no idea what my finances will actually be. In the meantime, I hate being surrounded by 'our' stuff. Just want to throw out everything that reminds me of him (I wish) and start again.

Feel better for getting that all out! DCs have now done homework, practised instruments, tidied rooms (I hope, haven't actually checked) and even been fed an almost nutritious meal. Messed up over Dr Who last night so we're all going to have tea in front of it.

I am doing okay just been flattened by how upset and hurt I am feeling and it all just feels overwhelming at the moment. Had been doing really well with it all and just focusing on the day to day stuff and even felt that we were doing well and coming through it. Guess it was just wishful thinking. At present, I just want to run away and hide and my DCs hate it when I'm like this.

Your grieving fo the nuclear family. I'v ebeen there - it's sad but now I realise that I am a family and so are you. Men can walk away so easily but it us women who are strong and keep families going. You havn't failed- he has and I hope you get to a point when you hold your head up high and feel proud of yourself for doing such a good job. I have made a lot of friends since becoming a single mum. Who needs so called friends who ditch you because you split from your ex dp? It will take some time but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh yes- and well done for having the courage to pull the plug on a relationship that wasn't working. Being unhappy in a relationship is damaging for the kids in the long run.