Don't want to be a single parent, hate it, lonely

[secretskillrelationships]

Had a terrible evening this evening and lost it with the kids, again. Have been heading downhill for a while but really struggling of late.

We separated in the summer after it finally dawned on me that he was making absolutely no effort to help sort out our relationship. I was fine at first, as if a huge weight had been lifted but am finding it increasingly difficult. Since Easter, I have been really struggling and in the last few weeks it's as if the grief has finally hit. I feel so sad and have spent hours in tears unable to stop crying.

We have 3 DCs who are all struggling in their own ways. They all feel able to talk to me, which is good, but not their dad who has been erratic and unpredictable since he left. Consequently, I also end up having to deal with the fall out of their visits to him. Also, because he is unpredictable, they tend to be on best behaviour with him so I have to put up with all the crap. I am also the one who has to make sure they do all their homework, practising etc. While at their dad's they do nothing (but then nor does he!).

My oldest is 12 which means I no longer really get an evening if I go to bed early enough to feel vaguely human in the morning. We moved 18 months ago and I thought I was beginning to make friends but I guess not. They say that at times like these you find out who your friends are - well I've found out that I don't have any. My so-called best friend has hardly even called, we've met up twice since the split.

I'm feeling really sorry for myself but also quite desperate. My parents separated when I was 7 and to watch my DCs go through the same is almost unbearable. Am at serious risk of turning into my mother, which is awful. Tonight, after I lost it, I tried to think of a single person I could call and I couldn't come up with one.

Don't know how to keep on supporting everyone while getting no support myself. Having my H leave me after 21 years has knocked my confidence completely. I'm worried about money and I have precious little time even if there was anywhere for me to go. Find it really difficult to motivate myself to do anything on the weekends when I don't have the DCs.

Have had really poor experiences with counselling and now no longer have time or money for individual counselling. The last counselling session, which was a family session, just made me realise that in spite of appearing to be a confident, assertive person, my family treat me like a doormat. The counsellor did not point this out or deal with the behaviour being exhibited in any way at all. Interestingly, she doesn't exactly seem keen to book another appointment (but then, nor am I).

secretskillrelationships, just felt with you as i read this thread and wanted to underline the brilliant advice you've been getting from gillybeans and co..it does get better, slowly. I also have 3dc, seperated last summer and have spent a long, hard winter in shock and grief for the intact family we presented to the world, guilt that I brough our horrendous marriage finally to an end and tremendous guilt that after the first few monthes of relief I could no longer seem to get it together with 3 dc-as you say, always homework missing, house a tip etc and me crying or screaming at my 3dc. Unbelievable is that I have now started to move on...as gillybeans2 suggested, I lay in bed on Sunday and let children watch tv and then have energy to get up positive and enjoy breakfast together, I've let house standards drop and let children have mates staying over more to eat with us or for sleepovers. And I've learnt to say o.k is good enough and tell dc that too. It takes time to adjust, especially when there is no relations nearby or the type of friends that we need but hey, mumsnet helped me alot and in moving on we will meet new people too, I couldn't have imagined that a few monthes ago!Tell yourself ten times a day that it will get better and be easy on yourself, give yourself time to accept-good luck.

Thanks for all your messages, they are much appreciated.

I guess the hardest things for me are: 1. I put so much time and energy into helping my marriage that there was sod all left in the tank when we finally separated 2. We made decisions about moving and schooling based on the fact that we both wanted the marriage to work (when he didn't). I just feel so stupid and stitched up. Really can't undo any of it without massive fallout for DCs so just have to suck it up.

Have always put their needs very high - it's quite a shock to feel like stamping my feet and saying that it might be good for them but it's not okay for me. Also don't know what to do with that feeling. I end up just feeling completely deflated. Everything feels like wading through treacle.

That said, as I've put each of my beautiful DCs to bed they each made a point of telling me that I was the best mum in the world. I obviously don't feel like that at the moment but I do know that they forgive me.

On the plus side, I don't feel (too) guilty about our marriage ending - I know I had done everything in my power to make it work. Unfortunately, it took me 7 years to work out that if he doesn't understand me it may be because he doesn't want to not because I haven't explained things clearly!

I have a job, which gives me a reason to get dressed properly in the morning and put on a smile even if I don't feel like it. I have had to put on a very good act at times as have been on probation for the first 6 months which has been good for me. I am really lucky to have got the job and know that it has been a real life line.

I am good with money and, though it has been difficult to deal with a huge drop in income I am coping without the DCs noticing a huge change in circumstances.

I don't have close friends here yet but I do have people to chat to at drop off and pick up and have the occasional coffee with. As people get to know me better, I do recognise that they understand that it is not easy for me and, increasingly, there are signs that stronger friendships may yet develop.

But most of all, I do have 3 amazing DCs who are loving (even the 12-year old!), funny, clever, and see things so beautifully clearly that I wish that I had their clarity.

Am having an early night tonight to make up for last night! So many thanks again to you all especially for last night when I was at a really low point.

Morning.

How are you doing today?

Feeling tired myself. Lay in bed filling in forms re secondary school until way past 2am. Lying in bed waiting to fall asleep is always the worst time for me as my mind starts to whir and think of everything I've not done and/or been supressing thinking about all my life day. Then I woke up twice with nightmares. Not had any for a while now, though I used to have really bad ones all the time. Makes me not want to go to sleep again. Hence why I wait till I'm asleep on my feet to go to bed at all.

Anyhow... My son has his first SATs test today and so went off to school a whole hour early as they run a breakfast and wake up club in his class the week of SATs. Feeling anxious for him but will be taking his packed lunch down later so will see how it all went then.

What are your plans for the day after you've rushed round doing the morning school run? Are you escaping to work?

Today is my day off work when I rush round and do none some of the chores I haven't got time for the rest of the week! Must stick to the list and try not to get distracted in here too much...

Take care
Gilly

Secrets and Gilly I have been following this thread all weekend from my blackberry (it wouldn't let me post for some reason). It has kept me going through a really tough weekend so I wanted to say a big thank you for your honest and helpful posts.

My DP has moved out following me telling him I really needed more support, which he feels was unreasonable. TBH I bitterly regret asking now, and wish I had tackled things differently and can't help but hope that we can resolve things (looking increasingly unlikely).

So I am alone with DS (just turned 3) and the weekends seem especially lonely and difficult (strange in some ways as DP/EXDP worked weekends). I have to keep my brave face on for my wonderful DS- he deserves so much better but inside I feel like hiding under the duvet and never coming out.

Secrets you were so brave doing the right thing and ending your relationship and as this thread has gone on you have sounded more and more positive. You have really helped me and I hope this week is a good one for you and your DCs.

Gilly and everyone else who has posted- thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope I will start to feel better soon like you have, and not dread the weekends so very much. I hope your sons SATS go well and that you find time to relax during your busy 'catch-up' day. I just want you to know that your posts make a huge difference to people like me who are feeling hopeless- thank you.

Thanks for your messages.

Gilly - hope your son got on well today. I also have a lot of nightmares and wake up sweating (probably more nightmares!). I know that I find it easier to go to sleep if I go to bed really early and if I miss that slot I find it really difficult. However, I also know that nights are the one time I get to feel stuff that I have to suppress during the day. I think it is a balance between holding it all together and letting stuff out but it's exhausting.

Did well this morning after letting go of lots on here last night. Positively whizzed round the house before work. Still looks like a bomb's hit it but you can at least get in the front door! I feel better if I feel I've achieved something even if it is only something trivial like getting a wash on. But I've also realised that the house is a real mirror to my feelings. When I'm doing well the house is tidy and organised. And vice versa!

Wheresmypaddle - remember it's early days yet. Things obviously got heated with you and H but I would hope most people in similar circumstances would want to discuss a way forward not cut and run. It's difficult when you're in the thick of it to separate what is reasonable from what is not. If the situation was reversed, how would you have behaved?

Hi secret

Have been checking in on the boards but not had time to write much as I've been rushing round the last couple of days. Just got my son off to school for the third day of SATs. He's enjoying the breakfast club and doesn't seem to worried about the tests themselves.
He blamed me for him leaving late today for getting him up 'too early' as it meant he was too tired to get up...
Poor thing, doesn't have a clue what it will be like at secondary school yet!

Well I better make his lunch and rush it down there before I head off to work myself. It really is true when they say a woman's work is never done...

Take care
Gilly

It gets better.
The practical answer to I don't want tob e alone is get a new boyfriend and remarry, surely although you might not feel you want that at the moment.

Hi secerts just log on was wandering how you are doing x

Doing a lot better, thanks everyone.

Gilly - secondary is quite a shock to the system, for parents too! Good to hear he's not too phased by the tests!

Xenia - I think the feeling alone is much more existential than that! But can't see myself getting involved in another serious relationship ever! Not good at compartmentalising and wouldn't get serious about anyone unless my kids got on with them and wouldn't introduce anyone to them that I wasn't serious about!

Am generally doing pretty well this week but have really noticed how fragile I am and how easily I get knocked. Absolutely silly little things affect me disproportionately. Someone was slightly sharp with me at work yesterday and I couldn't let it go even though I know this is what she does when she is stressed and it has nothing to do with me.

Interestingly, I think underneath it all my self esteem is pretty good but my confidence is shot to pieces! Emotionally I'm very volatile and that makes my reactions erratic which further knocks my confidence.

7 years later, I'm in your boat - does it get any easier? I can whole heartedly relate to everything you've said as if it's my own life.

This is like reading my new life.... previous posters.... please tell me it gets easier?

7 years into the single mum life , I am afraid to say it hasn't got easier for me . I hate being alive sometimes and feel sorry for DS that he has mum like me ; he is missing out on family life because of me . I don't have anyone I can call a friend more like acquaintances. I am tired of having to be strong, sometimes I wish I had died years ago when I was ill . Anyway for some it gets easier but I don't think it ever will will for me

secretskillrelationships you are my hero! I want to encourage you. I've just read this thread, a lot of it resonates with me. I was in a very short lived emotionally abusive marriage (although we dated for many years beforehand) and my son in now 15 months. I can't imagine what it's like to have three! I have two stepsons, for whom this is now the second person they have seen leave their dad, so it's taken it's toll on them. He still sees them weekly, whereas he has made no effort to see my son for 6 months. Please don't take responsibility for their feelings or what has happened! This is not your fault, he obviously has massive issues and you have made the best choice for your children. They will not be able to see that because they are not mature enough to, but one day they will thank you!

My husband refused to pay any bills or rent on our house and I was evicted and had to find money to support us and move us into a new house by myself. You may not realise it, but all those things, which you rightly complain about e.g. moving house, the stuff everywhere, the homework etc are things that need done and keep you busy and distract you from the grief of the breakdown of the relationship. They will give you a break from grief. Why don't you spend a day sorting through all that stuff of his (when you feel ready) and box it up and make him take it! I was able to do that when I moved house and now I'm in my new place it feels good to not have anything around to remind me of him.

It's natural to be angry at him, because from you've said he is irresponsible and is not sharing his responsibility with the kids at all.

Please keep moaning! There is nothing wrong with complaining about what is unjust, then doing what we all do, get up and carry on! Try and give yourself rewards: things to look forward to. Whether it be paid childcare, nice food or a cinema trip by yourself.

Look online and see if there are any single parent meet ups near you, I googled the other day and found some near me. I also attend a church (I'm a christian) and my small group that meets once a week have been amazing support. Some help mind my son (I have no parents close and my husband's parents won't speak to me) and have even helped financially when I had to move. If that's not your thing then please know I will be praying for you. Keep your chin up, you are some lady to be doing this! Check out local charities that can help like HOMESTART, SURESTART and find something for yourself. I went to my gp and talked to him and referred me for gym membership for free at my local leisure centre and they had a creche so I was able to relax for a few hours.

Aw sorry to those who are feeling low.. maybe the original OP will be along to tell us how she got on

I’m a single mom and have been since my child (now 4) was born. I love it though, yes it’s hard sometimes but the good outweighs the bad (for me). I think having just the one DC is easier though - hats off to those with two or more, it’s hard to balance things.

Hang in there everyone, and vent away, it really helps to get things off your chest sometimes!