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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When your ex sends the children back with a mobile phone...

30 replies

UpToMyTitsOf · 11/03/2010 21:46

... is it ok to send it back?

I sent a letter to ex partner kindly asking him that, if he wanted to ring DSs to ring between x and y hours. That was to ensure he didn't ring way after they had gone to bed, or while they were in the middle of an afterschool activity, eating, etc.

He ignored the letter but sent the children back with a mobile phone so they could ring him whenever he wanted. So far, so good, no problems with that.

Problem now is, that now that the novelty has worn off, the children rarely ring him, exh has aparently ringed them but we didn't realise as the DSs do not carry the phone with them at all times, the phone is on a shelf in their bedroom to avoid it getting misplaced, lost or broken.

So what's the problem? that the children have been missing his calls because we were out, or they were at home but running around the house, or because they turned it off and forgot about it. I have no idea when he is going to ring, and I don't even carry my own phone with me all the time, so I resent being blamed for the lack of contact, I have slight hearing problems, I can't even hear a phone next to me if there is a lot of background noise!

So... now the ex is sending messages asking for the phone to be turned on, I have messages coming through the post box and friends ringing me on his request to ask me to turn it on (he refuses to talk to me since months ago), and one of the DSs was recently questioned heavily by the ex, on why the phone was off. ExP keeps telling the children I'm blocking contact, and I'm really fed up that no matter how hard I try to facilitate contact I'm always blamed even if the children have only been forgetful, which is understandable for a 4 and a 6 yr old.

I'm tired of getting the blame, which doesn't help considering how difficult the divorce process is at the moment and all other related problems that I have at the moment. Can I send the darn phone back? I never agreed to it.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2010 21:49

is there a court order?

Tanga · 11/03/2010 22:16

How often do they see him and how recent is the split? I wouldn't have said it was unreasonable in the first 6 months for the kids to ring Daddy once a day if they only see him at weekends. By way of comparison, we get DSS to ring his Mum morning and evening when he is with us, and he is 7 and has been having overnights with us for 5 years.

If they were ringing regularly then perhaps the mobile phone wouldn't be such an issue? (Ridiculous for children that age anyway, IMO)

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 11/03/2010 22:32

Split almost 3 years ago, contact every other weekend including nights. No court order.

DSons didn't see their father everyday even when he was living with us. They are used to his absences, they never knew any different. BTW ex doesn't allow my sons to ring me, I can't ring them either when they are with him as he considers I'm "invading" his space.

BTW, got confused with the acronyms, thought DSs was "darling sons". I'm talking of my children, I don't have any step children

OP posts:

lilacclaire · 11/03/2010 23:41

This is far too young for them to take responsibility for a mobile phone, I would send it back.

I would also not allow them to stay anywhere that they could not contact me or vice versa.

I would repeat what you have already told him, to phone at certain times.

notevenamousie · 12/03/2010 09:41

Asking him to ring the house at certain times is entirely reasonable, and then you just hand the phone to your DC. The mobile thing isn't working, for any of you, so it's certainly fair to suggest a different/ better solution.

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 15/03/2010 19:43

Thank you for the messages and reassuring me I'm not as unreasonable as I thought.

Would it be a solution to redirect the calls to the children' phone to my phone (that way we don't keep missing the calls and, also, so he doesn't wake them up after they have gone to bed), obviously allowing the children to ring him whenever they want from their mobile?

Would that be ok, or am I calling for trouble?

OP posts:

oldraver · 15/03/2010 21:12

I would give him a time he can ring the DC's on their mobile and that you will make sure it is switched on at that time. Also re-assure him the dc's will be allowed to ring him whenever they want. I think this would be more than reasonable

I think he has a cheek not allowing you contact with your dc's while they are with him but demanding HE has to be in constant contact. It comes across a very controlling

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 15/03/2010 21:46

The phone is switched on all the time, but we never now when he is going to call. I might be getting unreasonable but all this paraphernalia of babysitting that phone so he can have constant access to his children, however seldomly he contacts them, is putting me down.

I checked the phone today to see if there were missed calls and can't believe that he asked people to put messages through my letter box and ring me because he couldn't contact the children in... wait for it... 2 ocassions!

Gosh, he might be gone but it feels like having that phone around is an extension of his controlling behaviour: I'm supposed to be on call all time and taking care of a phone I didn't agree to have, just because he can't be arsed to ring within the times I suggested. So is the same story as usual, where I am turning myself backwards to pander to his wishes, just so things are done precisely as he wants them, without considering my needs or that of his children.

OP posts:

123andaway · 15/03/2010 21:48

Expecting a 4 and 6 year old to take responsibilty for a mobile phone is crazy! I think you need to give it back before it befalls a terrible accident! .

I would be inclined to tell him he can speak to the children x times a week between x and y time, during which time you will either be by your landline or have YOUR mobile phone switched on. Also if the children specifically ask to speak to him at other times you will allow them to call him.

I also think he is being unreasonable denying you contact while they are with him.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 15:29

He IS unreasonable and controlling, and like most abusive wankers of this type, he's not so much bothered about contacting his DC as he is about harassing you. Be calm but firm with him, give him a list of times when the phone will be switched on and tell him he can call then. And also tell him he is not to contact you at other times, and if he encourages other people to harass you on his behalf you will take legal action against him.
Basically the man is a bully and it's best to stand up to bullies.

nickschick · 18/03/2010 15:39

Break the phone and say the ds are too young to look after it,if he buys another drop it in a puddle etc etc.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 15:42

No, sell the phone and tell him the DC lost it...

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 18/03/2010 19:59

Do you know what would happen to the children if he "thinks' they have not taken good care of it??? He is a bully to the children too.

But agree that this is not about contacting the children but about him to be able to assert he is in control and doing as he pleases.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 20:30

OK, he really is a shit. So I would strongly advise you getting some legal advice and putting it all on a formal basis. Because you DO NOT HAVE TO OBEY THIS MAN. He doesn't have any 'rights' over you. While it is fair to facilitate contact between him and his DC this does not mean indulging his every whim. If you tell him, for instance, that the phone will be on for an hour in the evening and an hour in the morning and he can call then, that is perfectly reasonable. You can also have him formally notified that he is not allowed to contact you at any other time, or get other people to pester you on his behalf. I know it seems very hard, when you are used to being bullied by someone, not to just give into them, but there are ways and means of making bullies back off. Abusive men frequently convince their victims that 'everyone else', authorites etc, will back up the abuser and allow him to do whatever he likes because the victim is worthless/disobedient/only a woman, but this is NOT TRUE.

outnumbered2to1 · 24/03/2010 00:20

i would accidentally on purpose drop the bloody mobile phone in the toilet then send it back to him. He can't honestly expect a four year old and a six year old to be responsible for a mobile phone. And how dare he expect you to have the phone with you at all times just in case it comes up his humf to phone his kids but not allow you to contact the children while he has them as it invades his space? sorry but what an arse.

This kind of bullshit makes me very glad that my DS's dads have never bothered their backsides since day one.

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 29/03/2010 17:17

Well, the saga continues.... Now he is demanding from the children a call a day or he will remove the phone. DC are saying that if he takes the phone back, they won't be allowed to live with me anymore (WTF???????)

It is not only that he doesn't call, now he is pestering the children to call him every day...

Further to it, the children went to visit him for the weekend and asked me to text them when I knew the dog was ok (was having surgery that morning). I sent a short message to exp's phone. The children have been told that I should NOT contact them via HIS phone, but if I want to, that I need to provide a mobile phone for that purpose.... can't pay to have the shower fixed, where do I get money for another phone???

Older DD terrified of being forced to go and live with him, has been on the phone with him as requested but seems, at some points, very nervous.

I can't believe the damage he is causing them, or his insistence on blaming me for everything.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 29/03/2010 20:53

Your poor dcs that sounds emotional abuse doesn't it.
Can you ring womens aid and get some advice on how to approach him from an 'official' angle because sometimes these kind of people just won't take it from the ex at all.

BigBadMummy · 29/03/2010 20:58

As others have said. You need a court order now.

This man is toxic.

You need to get some formal legal advise to stop him being abusive and bullying. Now.

Miggsie · 29/03/2010 21:06

That's awful.
DD is six and only now will she chat on the phone, she didn't like chatting on the phone before. I don't think a 4 year old is up to chatting on a daily basis and certainly not able to keep a phone charged or use it.

They are too young and he's being dreadful. Of course they will still live with you. Keep a record of everyhting he is saying and talk to women's aid.
He is just being nasty.

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 29/03/2010 22:40

He doesn't care about court orders, much less so about solicitors' letters. It's all a waste of time and money. I would have posted the phone back to him if the children had not been so scared of him taking them away if I did.

Bastard! He is loosing his children and can't even notice he is the one digging the rift.

OP posts:

Madascheese · 30/03/2010 07:31

Bloody men like this get right up my nose.

My son regularly puts things down the toilet, I'd encourage you to make sure yours do the same. Send the phone back afterwards explaining where it's been (be lurid with the details, ie DS was doing a poo while holding the phone so he didn't let it out of his sight....)

Or, more sensibly, send a letter to him explaining that as the phone is causing stress all round and creating such difficulties for him as he can't get through, you propose that he sets a time to call the children. that way they will know what to expect which in a time of change for them is creating stability and routine. Explain you will be turning the phone off outside those times and the same times will apply for you to call the children when they are with him.

That way you are offering a sensible compromise explaining why it is good for the children, you have a record of it in writing so he can't deny it but you have also recorded that you are willing to allow phone contact. (Important to keep in mind you have to concentrate on why things are good/bad for the children not that he's controlling you)

this isn't only bad for you, it's incredibly bad for the children. get to Court and get CAfCASS invovled (I know they have their weaknesses but it sounds like this man will give himself away very easily.

He's an arse

Incidentally, he will lose the children, my ex behaves like this all the time and my DS wants nothing to do with him - he's not 4 yet.

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 30/03/2010 23:22

It's going back, but I don't know how soon, I'm scared of him throwing a tantrum again, for some reason he thinks that he can harrass me freely, and if I complain he says I'm over reacting. Thankfully he is no longer registering my house on handover, or sitting in the car outside of my house. Wonder what the woman who lives with him would think about this...

OP posts:

Original poster

UpToMyTitsOf · 30/03/2010 23:24

Thanks for all your advice, and for putting up with all these rants. Sorry

OP posts:

mamas12 · 31/03/2010 19:28

You don't have listen to him or answer him at all.
Just keep informing him of the same thing you want to get across to him all the while not engaging with him.Then you will have to get an official letter statin he is not to abuse the children with threats of driving them of their mother.
What a jerk!
No wonder he is your ex.
Is there any other family around (his side) that could have a word with him?

outnumbered2to1 · 02/04/2010 00:38

what a complete and utter prick. Has he actually told the kids that they will need to live with him if the phone gets sent back? surely then you would have grounds to limit or stop his access all together. you really really need to get some legal advice about this. you poor thing and your poor poor kids.......

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