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Original poster

Single mothers by choice?

42 replies

LeilaL · 06/03/2010 22:29

I became a single mother by choice two years ago ie. intentionally became pregnant knowing I would be bringing up my child alone. Anyone else out there in a similar position?

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2old4thislark · 06/03/2010 22:47

According to last weeks press 57 per cent of single mothers (compared to 15 per cent 20 years ago) have NEVER lived with a partner so I'd say yes..........and considering how effective contraception can be if used properly. Don't think they were all 'accidents' do you?

Are you really asking this as a serious quiestion??????

Original poster
LeilaL · 06/03/2010 22:50

Yes, because reading through the various threads on this topic, most of them seem to be about exes, or fathers etc and I was wondering if there were any Single Mothers By Choice on the board.

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2old4thislark · 06/03/2010 22:56

Whether they're on here I don't know but def out there in RL.

Kewcumber · 06/03/2010 23:03

yes - that would be me and I know one or two others on MN and a whole pile of them in RL but mostly by DI rather than "accidentally on purpose"

Kewcumber · 06/03/2010 23:11

2old - its not that bizarre a question. If I hadn't asked around and been blunt with people I would think I was the only one mad enough to do it.

oldraver · 07/03/2010 00:15

As Kewcumber posted they are several of us around. I had my second DS 4 years ago and although I had originally planned to go down the DI route I was lucky enough to have several offers of a donor. There have been several threads on this subject

You will probably get a few 'the father of my baby didnt want to know, so I still went ahead and had the baby so I'm a single mother by choice'. IMO they are missing the point, and it is very different to making an active decision while single to get pregnant with the intention of bringing up the child on your own. This still seems to be a bit of a tabboo and doesnt seem to be as excepted as falling pregnant accidentaly.

I do know what you mean regarding not only this but other single parent boards where all the posts revolve around ex's and fathers. It does seem to be a different set of circumstances with a different set of 'problems'that mostly I cant relate too, so it feels as if I dont 'fit in'

I consider my single parenting in positive light,I do realise there will be issues in the following years which will cross whrn we come to it. At the moment I am just enjoying being a mother again

spicemonster · 07/03/2010 09:06

I am a single mother by choice. Agree with others that it is not at all the same as accidentally becoming pregnant and deciding to go ahead on your own. Mine was a conscious decision - I had my DS through DI

Kewcumber · 07/03/2010 09:35

Cooo-eeee! D'you want to come over to Kew and play some time when the weather (eventually) warms up?

piratecat · 07/03/2010 09:39

Leila, as you've mentioned, you intentionally got pg by choice. Did you have a donor?

Solo2 · 07/03/2010 11:30

Hi Leila

Yes, count me in as a SMC of 8 yr old twin sons. Think there are quite a few of us around on here and in RL.

piratecat · 07/03/2010 22:28

i am intrigued by my newly learn phrase SMC, i am teetering on the borders, of thought about this. I have joined a site for co parenting, but apart form that haven't 'met' any other women who have done this, and i would love to learn more. if anyone can share any links or advice that would be fab.

Kewcumber · 08/03/2010 14:29

there is a formal organisation in the US called "singel MOthers by choice" and a very good book about the options and the issues (also American) which you can get on Amazon. IN the UK most SMC either have childrne by DI or adoption. MOst of the "accidents" fit into teh normal single parent category and just pretend that the birth father either wasn;t interested or uninvolved for some other reason.

Most of the groups I know (only two!) don;t have websites etc they work along Masonic lines with personal introduction.

Howe the Donor Conception Network has a single group and they may be useful to talk through some issues - you'll probably find them if you google as DCN is a major organisation.

nannynz · 08/03/2010 22:24

I plan to be a single parent by choice.

I'm nearly 32 and have yet to find a partner right for me but really want to have children.

I have looked into both adoption and IVF.

For adoption I would have to return to NZ and live there for two years before beginning the adoption process. So I plan to go back when I'm 35(maybe sooner) and would most likely adopt from abroad. I'm flexible on country as the rules change so often I will wait to see what my best chances are when it's closer to the time.

If I choose to go along the IVF route it will be around the same time. I've worked for a mother who did this and so realise there are plenty of positives but also some negatives(which I guess is the same which ever decision). So although I'm not planning anything firmer for the next few years at the moment it's good to have the choice.

Kewcumber · 08/03/2010 23:10

Be warned nannynz that very few countries are currently open to single adopters - Russia (but current waiting time for a child under 2 with correctable medical issues, longer for a relatively healthy child), Kazakhstan is currently still open to singles but talk of changes re singles abound, ethiopia still open to singles but current stories of corruption may result in the programme being suspended completely.

I know rules change all teh time but in my experience very few countries appear to be opening up and more are becoming more prescriptive. Quite commonly (and I don't think NZ is any different) it will take 2 years for you to be approved in your home country and produce all the relevant paperwork then 1-3 years to be processed through you selected country and matched.

Be careful about waiting until 35'ish before deciding on IVF - I did. Had a couple of gynae conditions diagnosed which had to be treated before starting (nothing serious but not a good idea then tried IUI (most obvious choice before IVF if no known fertility problmes) by the time I'd had 3 IVF attempts (all failed spectacularly for unrelated reasons) then I embarked on my adoption journey... and finally at 41 I brought my son home with no more time/money left for the second I had always planned.

Moral of the story - don't think that you'll start at 35 and it will all happen as planned! (and most womens fertility starts falling like a stone at aorund 38...)

nannynz · 08/03/2010 23:20

Thanks Kewcumber - I'm a realist and very much enjoyed reading your journey to become a parent.

You are right, there are not many countries that do allow single parent adoptions. And also you are correct in the NZ process and how many years it will take.

I really need to wait until I'm 35 to be able to afford either the IVF or adoption process. And are hoping that either pan out. Because i know there is a chance of both options failing I would be very interested in long term fostering back in NZ. I guess after my 10 plus years of nannying i really want to have input into a childs life where I don't have to think about leaving.

A definetly tricky decision to make and not one to be made lightly.

Kewcumber · 08/03/2010 23:42

just wanted to make sure you were aware of the practicalities! Just one thing - you're right - not to be taken lightly but don;t develop "paralysis by analysis" as my boss used to call it.

(IUI with donor sperm is significantly cheaper than IVF - a few hundred pounds per attempt)

Original poster
LeilaL · 09/03/2010 19:42

Thanks for all the responses.. I used a donor and have moved back to the UK from the US where there seem to be far more SMCs around..

OP posts:
HellyG83 · 14/03/2010 11:21

I am single and 26 and I'm seriously considering donor insemination. It's good to know that there are other people out there that that choose to be single mothers!

natraccoon · 02/07/2012 21:06

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3xcookedchips · 03/07/2012 11:26

This is not meant to be inflammatory - how do you reconcile your urge to have children as intentional single mothers with that of denying your children a relationship with their father. There have been a myriad of studies done on the impact on childrens psychology and mental well being/development when there has been an absent parent. Interested to know how you square that circle? Do you rely on the fact, what they've never known will never hurt them?

leighqt · 18/10/2014 17:09

I guess im a single parent by choise. I knew I would be raising my child as a single parent, and choose to go ahead with it. I have also read the book previously mentioned.

2babies1me · 28/10/2014 12:51

I'm a single mum by choice. I was 40 and hadn't met the right man and didn't want to find him when it was too late to be a mum. I used DI and have two beautiful twins (toddlers now). It was absolutely the bravest but best decision I have ever made. Anyone else out there taken a similar path?

GRW · 28/10/2014 21:03

Yes, my daughter is 16 now and in sixth form. It's much easier to cope with working full time than when she was younger. Having her was the best decision I made too.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2014 21:05

You tried for a baby with a man who didn't want children? Is that what you mean?

2babies1me · 28/10/2014 21:56

Thanks Grw. Good to hear from someone who followed the same path. Really glad it's all still going well. The miracles of the modern world hey! Xx

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