come gawf at my twunty ex.

[DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE]

where do i start.

so recently he has gotten him a young thai gf (there's already a 25 yr gap between me and dc dad so really i shouldn't even acknowledge this)

after a rocky relationship where they broke up and got back together a few time she seems to have moved in.

fine... keeps him off my back

well... i wish it would. but he still insists on trying to get a fly grope and asks me to move back every time i see him. even when she is in house

anyhow..... turns out he has known all along she isn't eligible to remain in uk.

she moved here with a gentleman she married from down south. he left her.

she now has to go back home in few weeks.

exdp has always known this.

yet has introduced her to the dc.

he had problems with his self employed business.... and hasn't been able to take dc at their usual times.

his solution is to drop kids with this girl, she will bath, feed and put them to bed. he can just come home when he feels like.

i have 2 main reasons not to trust this situation.

1)exdp is gambling addict. him having to watch dc one night a week was successfully keeping him away from casinos that night... now he will be able to keep going again.puuting my dc back in same atmosphere they were in that caused me to leave. i.e him coming home at 7am... awful bad mood. shouting at everyone if he's lost and then storming to bed leaving the "woman of house" to deal with dc

2)she has a ds.... young... who is back in homeland. he she neither wants or makes any effort to see again.

if she doesn't want anything to do with her own dc... i feel she's not the right type of person to be caring for my dc.

3)she's going away in few weeks. why get them used to her. when she's going to be going home so soon?

sorry - just needed a rant as cant really do it in RL as i'm seen as the bitter twisted ex.

i'm just supposed to put up with any stupid situation he presents and wants to introduce my dc to.

Hi juicy
don't think Id like some random woman looking after dc either, esp as it's on such a temporary basis
Is this why he is off to Thailand? are they planning to try and get leave for her to come back? all sounds precarious though, on/off already
How well have you been able to get to know her? is there anyone else around near your ex to support dc when they are staying? although it does sound he CAN step up to the mark when he has to
as for her own children from what I understand it is not uncommon for Thai children to be left in Thailand to be brought up by extneded family so not so much an act of personal indiffernce on her part
love the word gawf, I would gawf if I wasn't more concerend for you and dc than ex

Well cause all men are lying cheating selfish bastards!!!!

(Sorry my EXH left me 4 months ago at 29 weeks and now I have a DS age 4 weeks and am starting to feel all bitter now things are getting sorted!)

My EXH wants to see DS EVERY day at the moment and am waiting for him to get bored of that so I can get on with my life! The worst thing is when he leaves ( is summoned??) he goes back to the husband stealing sl*t which I find very difficult. At least DS is too small to go anywhere without me and have already told EXH that he is only ever going to have DS if he is at his Mum's ( where he aparently lives). Sorry this has turned into my own little rant!

michelle - feel free to rant

ninah - none of his familt close enough.

it's come to a bit of a head this wkd.

dd had a rash from not wiping properly when she goes to toilet (only 2.5yo) last wkd.

he has accused my 10 yo nephew of sexual abuse!!

last wkd i was due for dinner. didn't want dc going over to be watched by exp gf. so arranged for exp to collect dc from mine a bit later at 6pm ... he knew i was going for dinner. and i know from past experience he will be late so i miss dinner/miss night out.

so i arranged for my brother to be round with my nephew to stay in with the kids while i left for dinner till exp turned up.

exp turned up at 8.40pm(1.40hr after bedtime), wasn't to chuffed to discover i wasn't hanging around at his beck and call. and seriously pissed off to discover becuase it was my bro he had to wash and change kids to pj's (i normally do this when exp is so late to save kids being kept up even later, but my bro doesn't entertain pampering to exp as he's a single dad himself and does EVERYTHING for his ds when he has him)

so he calls ranting and raving about this , was even more pissed off i wouldn't discuss it as at dinner. explained i was busy and hung up on him.

called half hr later. screaming about abuse being caused to ella before i even had any chance to explain what it was.

refused to argue with him about dd private bits in public.

now he knows what caused the rash he is still refusing to apologise as that would be him admitting he's wrong.

and of course

he's never wrong.

and he's trying to dictate i should not have my brother baby sit.

my brother often baby sits when he has nephew. they all come over. kids have sleep over.

once my 2 dc are in bed tucked up, my bro stays with all kids and i get to go cinema/pics/ friends as long as i've got myself home by 5am sober for kids waking in AM

exp doesn't like this.

as he's still a controlling twunt.

and loving the excuse to remove my baby sitting services

that is really nasty the allegation about your nephew
had he been drinking?
when he calms down tell him your brother was there because HE was nearly two hours LATE
and that if he makes allegations of this nature again you will take legal advice
sounds like his own precarious home life is making him particularly volatile atm

ninah - afraid my charming twunt of ex doesn't need alcohol to be a loon.

he thinks up these things on his own.

as much as i dont want to be seen as the crazy bitter ex.

starting to get pushed to the point of refusing access.

he likes to pretend he's interested for the sake of keeping face to his family.

but i actually doubt he would persue it through court for access.

life is hard enough without him creating drama.

i feel he's pushed it too far this time.

OK what I think you should do is agree some ground rules re access
he comes when he says he will
it is regular
he looks after dc himself
You are not the bitter twisted ex, (though your ex sounds like one tbh)
just keep it businesslike as you always do
he is trying to drag you into an emotional minefield
am I right in thinking he is away for a while soon? agree the rules to start when he comes back
I don't think for a moment you shoud go through the whole trauma of a court case but a solicitors letter re access might help if you need it - perhaps suggesting that if problems arise with agreed access you look to attend for family mediation, I don't know, something in print with a consequence to make him think before he speaks/acts
It's difficult. As lone parents we feel responsible for keeping the contact with the other parent going. And tbh we relish the occasional break - knowing they are cared for and safe. but if you do NOT know that, it is a different matter.

ninah - nail on head. i haven't had a night out with any sort of drink recently as i know i wont enjoy it. i will worry for dc in this situation.

i find myself collecting them earlier every sunday also.

yes... he's going to thailand to try and get her a permanent right to stay in uk

no idea what he means. or how he plans to get it.

not really interested.

all i am interested in is whether or not this woman (who cant really speak english) is going to be responsible for care of my dc on his access.

he wont discuss arrangements with him.

everytime i try to open any sort of arrangements he says

"if you dont like it then move back in here and you do it"

dont think he would even atend mediation.

he would have to attend if access is conditional
I think you need to get official with him juicy, and he needs to see a letterhead iykwim
as for his thai gf, can you get to know her better? if she will be involved with dc it might be reassuring to find out more what kind of person she is
her life doesn't sound a picnic; she will be going through what you did but in a foreign country with presumabley few contacts if her English is so limited

she'll be in honeymoon phase with him

i kinda wonder if i should warn her just how lovely he will be in few years. but best to leave her work that out for herself.

i might possibly allow her to look after them if i knew her.

but tbh... its not her responsiblity to look after dc while ex gambles.

they would be better just being with me.

look they have already been on and off .. in x months .. not so honeymoon
what happened with her husband? I would think that implies she has been through a fair bit and is moderately clued up, but lost and desperate
I just feel she might be a stronger ally than you think
I was fairly shocked to discover last time I left dc with ex they were mainly looked after by dss and assorted family/friends
It's crap. What can you do?
deny access
turn a blind eye
or the realistic option, access with your eyes wide open and as much info as poss

cant trust his info to be truthful though.

and its a very odd situation behind her husband. he went back to his wife he left for thai girl aparently.

all a bit suspect. and another thing makes me wonder about her character.

The husband situation really does seem quite unusual, I agree. And if you have other reasons I am sure they are sensible.
If you are worried about her character you must insist your ex is present for all access visits - let's face it, that's what access is for?
You say he is partly keeping face with his family etc. Could you co-opt their support with this?

hmmm. not sure ninah. they have their own worries. poor health in the immediate familt with more than one member. seems unfair to drag them into ex twunty behaviour again.

she now pretty much lives with him. so is always present at his home during access.

and my requests he is always prescence falls on deaf ears. he tries to insist its his time. regardless if he is there or working/gambling.

i'm gonna head to bed though.

i am also very worried he's spouting to all and sundry my 10yo nephew is abusing dd. he's 10 ffs , its simply not an acceptable way to behave.

or to claim i am being a poor mother for allowing the abuse

really dont know how to deal with it other than cutting contact and allowing him to go through solicitors. he is simply becoming impossible to have a rash conversation with.

I think solicitors will be a reality check for him juicy. He needs boundaries. Sorry you have had to go through this. Fwiw I don't think the process will be drawn out I think he will accept you mean business when he sees it in black and white. I do hope so.
So sorry you have had a shite weekend. xxx

thanks ninah. i'm not going to solicitors. cant afford it. he can if he wants to bother for access. but considering he often doesn't see them unless i drop them off/collect i doubt he will..

xx

Ah juicy
mock something up
jibber jabber & co sols
what I am mainly saying is try to detach emotionally, for your own good - he surely knows where to get you
it is hard to see part care of your dc as a business arrangement
I'm hoping your ex comes down to earth again soon

detaching emotionally is hard though. everytime we do swap with kids he has some remark

you look awful(yet still goes for grope)
house is tip
car is dirty

bla bla

i should try and find someone else to do the swap if i can as i'm finding the constant grind is really getting me down.

so for the time being i'm going to simply not make any contact. as you say. he knows where i am if he wants access he can make contact.

finding someone else to handover would be great in theory but the time we are talking about your brother did handover and it didn't exactly make the difference!
I think in the longer term you will find it easier to shrug off his remarks. When I first used to do handovers I howled all the way home and ran a red light once out of sheer blind misery. I don't exactly like it but I spend as litttle time in convo as I can. And if he thinks my car is dirty and the house is a tip he'd be right, but that's because I have HIS dc and their muddy boots all over them. I couldn't care less if he said so, I'd just treat it the same way as a rude remark from an acquaitance, with surprise and distain.
Having said all that, a short break from it atm wouldn't do any of you any harm, good luck

Shite on a bike Juicy.

No, I would not want to leave my DS with a woman like this either.

And as for your XP...words fail What a creep. Now I will read thread and see if I can say anything useful or helpful!

I totally understand the need/desire to vent. Done it on here plenty times myself.

Bloody hell what a nasty piece of work. That allegation against your nephew is just atrocious and should be fucking ashamed of himself (not that they ever are eh).

Can I just 2nd ninah here..you do not sounds bitter or twisted in any way but he certainly does.

Handover - would it maybe be easier to do it in a neutral spot rather than at yours? Eg coffee shop. Then that doesn't give him opportubity to come into your home. Also being in public he may be less likely to 'kick off' or say do anything inappropriate (this works with my XP - don't know if it would with yours, some ppl have no shame or self awareness).

Putting down the phone on him was a good move. Every time he does it do same.
Strikes me as being like that thing they do on supernanny where children who get up constantly are returned to bed until they stay there....but strikes me that he has never developed emotionally from toddler stage so maybe appropriate.

Understand why you feel no contact is better atm. For you and wee ones. You and they don't need the stress.

Good luck to you x

ninah - thing is... if someone were rude to me the way he was. i actually wouldn't put myself in their prescence again to give them the opportunity to continually be rude to me.

he called today

i answered, refused to answer his grilling.

where are you?
what are you doing?
who are you with?

ignored ignored ignored.

then he tried.

so do you want this weeks maintenance.

i said was up to him.

then he started asking if i still had hump and went off on a rant again.

i just said simply "you cant say things like that or i willhang up".. hen continued and i hung up.

not entertaining it.

i will try and see if by end of the week he gets to grip with the idea that he has to act like an adult. but if his behaviour continues i will give up answering the phone to him as of this wkd and he can find another way to contact me.

janos - my post to ninah replies to ur's too

yes.. he is acting like a spoilt toddler.

good idea re the public place. but he is regularly late. might try this. and if he is late i shall simply go home and his access will be refused .

when i say late. i mean he will be late by hours... saying he's doing something at 3pm.. turning up at 6pm.

God yes you need Nanny Jo!
I do everything with ex by text so as to minimise personal contact, and I like janos's idea of meeting in a neutral space, I do this also
have a regular pick up time/place, be there on time, wait half an hour MAX, and if no show go home til the next prearranged slot

ninah - he cant text. being illiterate italian he struggles.