advice please - what do I owe him?

[helenlovelyperson]

Hi, can anyone advise from their own experience please? I realise all situations are unique but I could do with a view on something

XH, having walked out on 2XDDs and me at the beginning of Nov due to feeling (his words) 'trapped and unloved' is now keen to discuss how we 'end our marriage'. He seems to be under the impression I need to contribute to his financial situation.

I am the major breadwinner, have been for the last 7.5 years, work fulltime. I earn 5x what he does. I have supported him in various unpaid endeavours (retraining, sporting) over the years, he worked part time and looked after DDs 2 full days a week as well as taking DD1 to schooleach of the other 3 mornings. His work 80% evenings and weekends so I was always dashing home to collect the children from our lovely CM or take over from him at home

ANYway. My view since he left is that, I need all my salary to pay the mortgage, the nanny, all the basic bills etc and generally keep the show on the road.
His pay covers the rent on the room he has taken in a colleague's flat and his other living expenses.
I have set up a sole current account for all my incomings and (considerable) outgoings, leaving him with our small cash savings in a shared account and our joint current account

sorry, that is probably too much detail. Question is, am I under any obligation to subsidise him at this point?It has been stressing me out no end not knowing what balance there will be in our accounts since he moved out and I just want that stress to to reduce (there are enough other ones).

He is keen to get me to cut my costs e.g. where I get my groceries, DD1's (modest)extra-curricular hobbies...... I think that is none of his business now.

I am not intending to drive a hard deal over the house etc when it comes to that, whatever my legal advice says needs to happen for the kids really and if that includes down-sizing then so be it. But it just really sticks in my throat to think he wants me to sub his bachelor existence....

any way , waddya think folks???

by the way, in case not clear, the DDs live with me (for which I am profoundly grateful)

Hi helen.

I hope that I can offer some advice though not been through this situation personally but my mother and father recently got divorced (well 3 yrs ago) BUT my father still lived with us (mom, lil sis, me, lil bro) up until 2 yrs ago. My mom divorced my dad and when they seperated at the start my father was still made to pay the household bills as he was living in the house (solicitor said he had to) he also had to contribute to half the mortgage. Mum said he could stay - it want that she didnt love him, it was that he was a real arsehole to all of us and only thought of himself. He decided to find a new woman and about 6 months later moved in to hers. He then took it upon himself to not pay a penny towards my mum/the house/the kids. AND becuase she was the one to order the divorce she has no leg to stand on. After getting a earfull from us older girls (my sisters) he eventually agreed to pay 'just' towards my lil bro who was 10 (now 13) and has paid £130 a month. Now for your circ's he was the one to leave and you have no reason why you should have to support him - not one. He doesnt have the children, he works part time, he lives elsewhere. You do however have the right to get him to pay you child maintenance for the dd's if you want him to and that would be a percentage of his salary. Every parent has parental responsibilty within the eyes of the law - any child in your care, or who is biologically yours, you have to financially support them until they are 18. You do that. He does not. Instead he wants to take money from you, that would be going to the house/children/your lifestyle. How can that be explainable - the courts would laugh at him. If he has chosen to leave the family home and live elsewhere thats his choice - you do not have to pay him to live - he has legs still, hands a beating heart - your not his carer. Im sorry to here your marriage has not gone the way you think it would when you first get married. I feel for you, as I do my mother. argghhh sorry hes got me really mad now.

Sort of similar situation here in that I was the major (only) breadwinner throughout my marriage - subsidising xH on uni courses and then bailing us out of financial mess after financial mess as he never really got a job and what he did earn was spent on - well, lets say it didn't come into the family budget! He did allegedly look after the children but actually didn't (too busy doing other things that involved spending lots of money and rendering him incapable of being responsible for the DCs!)

Anyway we are divorced now and we have divvied up some savings (which is all money that I had been left by my grandad but what the heck!) and when we sell our house the equity will be divided 50/50.

I feel like he has got a lot off me considering how little he contributed over the years but we were together a while. And he gave up any claim on my pension which is a really major thing (I wanted a complete break - I could not bear that, in twenty years time I would retire and have to hand over 50% of my pension!)So I am told that I am very lucky!

He should give me maintenance for the kids but 20% of diddly squat isn't much so I am not getting uptight about that (much!). he pays them no attention so I am effectively completely on my own both practically and financially but we are doing OK I think. I have huge debts as a legacy of our time together but at least I am in control now. There is a financial mountain to climb but I know that I can do it, And I have my pension!

So - lots of empathy for you from me - and my advice is:
get a good solicitor! (even though it costs)

• remove yourself from any joint bank account immediately - or get him to remove himself - and be responsible for your expenses and the kids but NOT his - why should you? He walked out on you!!!! (I made my exH leave so I am the bad guy!)
• keep a record of everything (useful for that really good solicitor you are going to get)

You are (IMHO) not responsible for his lifestyle - on the contrary he should be giving you money for the kids (and that is even if he has very little money and you have more which it is how it is for me - debts notwithstanding!) He is their Dad FFS!!!

Sorry - rant over - just feel for you!

I may, I admit, be being a bit punitive here but the advice from my solicitor was that I was being more than reasonable - I have lent him money etc so he can set himself up over recent months which I will get back from house sale monies. (Although some might say that I am being selfish about the pension but he will have all his bit of equity from the house to get himself a pension. He has no real interest in providing for the kids so only wants a 'bachelor pad'.)

Good luck!

Absolutely Chellesgirl! Helps me that you say that too!

thanks both

freaked me out as I just tried the wikivorce calculator and according to that I owe him spousal and child maintenance which cannot be right

am going to see solicitor again for more detailed chat. Really don't want to have to sell the house if I can help it at all but suspect financially-niave (over-grown adolescent) XH is under impression he is owed half its value....

he aslo thinks we can sort it all out without using lawyers, or spending any money, again not sure what world he inhabits but that just can't be right for the DDs surely?

Don't they have the right to stay in their family home til 18 or something??

And HE will owe YOU for maintenence.....if he gets difficult then casually drop 'csa' into the conversation

when will you divorce?

be careful what info you share on here in case it gets found by others.

separate accounts and savings/pensions.

I don't know much about this, but don't assume anything.

TBB I want to get on with it, he has shown no inclination to do anything that would lead him back to living with us (or even suggest what he would want differnt from me) but has new woman (doesn't know I am aware but should think twice about FB habit..) and seems more concerned about himself than anything else. When he said our DD1 would have to give up hobbies that cost (eg swimming lessons) because after all he had nothing himself I really saw red! Is not DD1's fault her father is a f*wit

have got to try to set anger to one side but soemtimes, I tell ya....

Pure, thanks for the warning, I have not hidden any of this from him, but I will be circumspect

thats a good point three cause when you do divorce -go the full hog, money and everything, cause if you dont, you may get hung out to dry. Make sure the house monies are divided up equally. I dont hitnk it matters who wants the divorce, when i comes down to the same of a home owned by the both of you. You will both be entitled to 50% of its value. Dont move out! you do not need to sell the house. what real argument has he got

'oh, um I walked out on my DW and DC's cause I was feeling unloved'

'did dw ever cheat on you?'

'No'

'so dw did not kick you out, you chose to leave?'

'yes'

'are you supporting your children?'

'no'

'do you pay for the household bills?'

'no'

...sorry but really as I said before..the Jury would laugh at him. And drop csa into it when it comes to the divorce - you can either do it by asking him to volunteer or you can get your solicitor to do it for you.

My DU was kicked out his own home, though he wanted to stay. my DA turned lesbian, my cousin stayed with his mom, while my DU slept on his mums livign room floor (well lived on it)...he was made to pay 50% of his earnings to my DA towards thier DS... and it got backdated...yet he didnt walk out, he literally got kicked out and he got in the shit. The way in which the system works seems to always favour the mother unless she has an incapability to care for the DC's.

helen new woman?????? um thats adultry. you are not legally seperated nor yet divorced. You can go on these grounds for a divorce in your favour - but be careful cause you have to provide incredibale amounts of evidence ont he 'other person'. Instead I would ask him 'nicely' to issue you with divorce papers before you call the police, adultry is a criminal offence.

The few times xH sees the kids they get really annoyed because he just goes on about having no money so I share your 'anger on behalf of your kids' thing!

Fail to see how you owe him spousal maintenance and I am speaking as one who earns more than her ex (and always has but that was because I didn't sit on my backside expecting others to bank roll me - sorry bile coming to the surface here!) And if the DCs live with you then you have the right to ask him for money for them - it's not for you, that is a separate issue.

It's a bummer but you do need a good solicitor. It costs and I have had to put up with exH sneering at me for paying so much when he is getting legal aid but, my goodness, she has been worth it. Just to know what was what and to be assured that everything was on track. Having read a few threads like this over the last few months there is a certain feeling that people (i.e. exHs/Ps) who say that you don't need legal advice etc. are the ones who think that they might do worse if this happens.

And, by the way, I am not in the legal profession in any way!

Don't you have grounds gor unreasonable behaviour??

your grounds for unreasonable behaviour 'financial irresponsibility'

I had a friend who on the advice of sols stayed in the marital home until the children are 18 or until they left howm for further education (not sure about the last bit) and there was a deal that the house pric at the time of seperation or divorce was taken into account and then the ex would get a % of that when she decied to sell.

Hope that helps but I also advise get legal help now and stop listening to his legal advise.
Good luck

thanks all, I had to go to bed last night afetr I set this one off but really appreciate the posts.

Good Solicitor, check

staying in my house, check

unreasonable behaviour, TBH I don't care since the court doesn't apportion blame (or so I understand) I just want it over and done with

consoled myself with some very uncharacteristic retail therapy today, having had a lovely morning with the girls, making pancakes for breakfast and dancing round the kitchen giggling a lot. Life's not so bad, just a little wearing occasionally.....

Don't panic about the wikivorce calculations - if the dc are with you, I really don't think you'd be expected to bankroll him.

I've always earned more. My ex doesn't pay anything towards dd, but he does look after her two days a week and sometimes buys her clothes etc. I don't pay him anything. I did voluntarily waive my child tax credits so he could claim instead. While he was at it, he also claimed the child benefit instead, without my permission, so that's been stopped for a couple of months while they sort out our competing claims. Irritating, but not a big thing in the grand scheme of things.

i also earn more than ex (well he doesnt earn at all...) but as we were not married i ahve no legal obligation to him. due to emss of him overspending on joint account which is heavily overdrawn i am effectively susbidiing him til can force sale of joint owned prperty (i am renting, he stayed there).

not sure if there is any obligation for spoousal maintenance if divorce?

hijacking but can my ex claim CTC if the DCS not yet staying overnight with him?
he appears to have claimed CTC (sudden appearance of credit from CTC in joint account which is used for mortgage on flat we still joint own)

Only one of you can get the CTC, but if the DCs stay more nights per week with you, you should get it (not claiming expertise, but I've spoken to them about it). It's worth giving them a call. Sounds like he might have got them to start sending the CTC to a different account. You can get them to change it back or change it to your own account (sounds like you can't really trust him so I'd be inclined to do the latter). There might be a delay while it gets sorted out, but it's not too onerous.

i dont claim child benefit as i get child allowances thru my employer (international employer not UK system).

when we were together he claimed ctc but it counted as joint claim as we were together. at one point got a minimal amount £10 per week .... but this amount this month was for £200+ !!

in my name, as single parent - ctc is zero due to my income.

i guess he must be claiming in his own right as single parent ?? - but isnt there something asking how many nights they stay with you? they dont yet stay with him and i have residence as per court order.

am i obliged to query it as he he given them the joint account details to put it in? so i become complicit if he is in fact mis-claiming?

I don't think child benefit is relevant.

I think you're better off giving them a call - no point just speculating. If it was a joint claim, yes, you are obliged to tell them that there has been a change of circumstances and you are no longer together.

I'm not sure they'd worry about the night thing given that there is only one unchallenged claim. The relevant question is whether he has financial responsibility for them.

Seriously, though, give them a call.

cestlevie.... is your ex working at all ? Is is possible that he is receiving WTC, as you can get this as a lone person n low income

no is not working.

definitely says CTC. wish he had put in in his personal account then i would not have to worry - would not be my business i would not know....but as is going into joint account i have to call them and say that court order shows he does not have care of them!