advice please - what do I owe him?

[helenlovelyperson]

Hi, can anyone advise from their own experience please? I realise all situations are unique but I could do with a view on something

XH, having walked out on 2XDDs and me at the beginning of Nov due to feeling (his words) 'trapped and unloved' is now keen to discuss how we 'end our marriage'. He seems to be under the impression I need to contribute to his financial situation.

I am the major breadwinner, have been for the last 7.5 years, work fulltime. I earn 5x what he does. I have supported him in various unpaid endeavours (retraining, sporting) over the years, he worked part time and looked after DDs 2 full days a week as well as taking DD1 to schooleach of the other 3 mornings. His work 80% evenings and weekends so I was always dashing home to collect the children from our lovely CM or take over from him at home

ANYway. My view since he left is that, I need all my salary to pay the mortgage, the nanny, all the basic bills etc and generally keep the show on the road.
His pay covers the rent on the room he has taken in a colleague's flat and his other living expenses.
I have set up a sole current account for all my incomings and (considerable) outgoings, leaving him with our small cash savings in a shared account and our joint current account

sorry, that is probably too much detail. Question is, am I under any obligation to subsidise him at this point?It has been stressing me out no end not knowing what balance there will be in our accounts since he moved out and I just want that stress to to reduce (there are enough other ones).

He is keen to get me to cut my costs e.g. where I get my groceries, DD1's (modest)extra-curricular hobbies...... I think that is none of his business now.

I am not intending to drive a hard deal over the house etc when it comes to that, whatever my legal advice says needs to happen for the kids really and if that includes down-sizing then so be it. But it just really sticks in my throat to think he wants me to sub his bachelor existence....

any way , waddya think folks???

Helen@ I can't see how any court would agree that this man is entitled to continue leeching off you. He is (presumably) able-bodied and young enough to be reasonably employable (his being a lazyarse is not your problem).
COnsult a good solicitor. ALWAYS involve a good solicitor when a man who has dumped you is saying it can be sorted out without one, what he means is he wants to rip you off as well as dumping you.

The starting point for assets is a 50/50 split, so I'm afraid he isn't being unrealistic when he thinks he is entitled to half the house, although other assets such as savings, pensions, endowment policies, shares, etc. also come into it. As you have the children you may get more than 50% but this isn't guaranteed.

As you have the children, you will NOT be liable for child maintenance. He will have to pay child maintenance to you.

You may, however, have to pay him some spousal maintenance depending on your circumstances. If there is a liability, the courts prefer clean break settlements (where you would pay him a lump sum on divorce but no maintenance) but, if there isn't enough cash for that, they would go for regular maintenance payments. They prefer to put a limit on how long you have to pay maintenance these days rather than you having to pay for life.

In most divorces, the real problem is that there isn't enough money to go round so both parties end up poorer. Whilst it is none of his business, I'm afraid you may be forced to cut costs.

Your best approach is to try and arrive at a compromise. If you can do this directly it will help both of you. If you can't, try and sort something out through your solicitors. You should try and avoid leaving it to the court to decide unless there is really no alternative.

why was my message deleted by Mumsnet??? anyone know?