dont trust the father and he hasnt proven to not be interested, should i allow access?

[poopeeplops]

im due in 2wks and the father has not been there for me at all, ive had alot of complications and yet he has still disappeared when i needed him the most but he cant seem to leave me alone and back off.

He got very aggressive the other night and told me to go fuck myself, he smokes alot of weed and doesnt remember wot he says half the time, he ahs no respect for me and i have given him an unbelievable amount of chances.

Im concerned now as my lil one will be here soon and whether i should give him the chance to be a dad, i dnt trust him, im scared of him and he has shown no interest in this baby with support, what do i do?

Well he doesn't seem to want access, which sounds like really a good thing TBH.
Is he going to be offering any support after the baby is born?

he is too hard to work out, hes always said "the baby aint here yet so wots the problem" which says to me he is waiting for the baby to arrive then he will pipe up, im concerned as he is from a very different background and the way he speaks to me is very aggressive and all ive ever done is make every effort to keep things civil between us, i scared he will want contact and most wud want that but i dnt trust him and if he reacts the way he does to me whats he going to be like as a father.i just want to cut ties but am very aware he is the father, am i goin to be a bad mother either way?

well of course him being a twat doesn't mean you are going to be a bad mother. The fact that you are asking about that shows that you are thinking about your DC already.
I am afraid I don't have any experience or anything but I didn't want you to go unanswered. Hoepfully someone who can be a bit more useful will be along soon...

hi poopeeplops (lol at name)

My experience with my ds father is quite similar to yours, he also naffed off when i was pregnant but returned and was all over me just before ds was born. Since then i have rued the day I let him back in as I have had nothing but heartache and stress from him through court process over access and harassment from him - which u may have seen in my recent threads.

HOWEVER, the question u have to ask yourself is if you cut ties from the father - is it for your sake or the child's? If you think there would be a danger to the child from his father then fair enough. But if its for yourself (and I've had to learn this the hard hard way) then its a battle that you're going to lose because the child has a right to know its father, even if you dont like him.

I hope im not being to harsh, my heart goes out to you because I understand exactly how you're feeling right now xxx

hey frosty,

has he gone for access ur guy? as i really dont think my ex has the effort in him , he never bothers to turn up and is always coming up wiv an excuse, he once said if i left and never told him wer i was going he wudnt care as at least he wud know y i left!! hes not prepared to fight for the baby and never once has got pissed off at me not involving him in this pregnancy, he gets more angry wen i hound him to turn up and contact me, he doesnt like to be hassled which is y i think he wnt bother wiv us.

i appreciate honesty cos thats wot i have to face now everything ive done is for this baby and i have concerns for wen he is older wot kind of lifestyle he wud bring to the babys life.

do u think u shud of jus walked away from him?

thanx for getting back to me

i was taken to court for overnight access when ds was 5 weeks old. Exp was the puppet for his parents really or I doubt he would have bothered either without them pushing for contact. Are your il's around?

i have the exact same concerns about exp influence on ds when he's older, but tbh even if i had wanted to walk away, i would have been forced to let him have access as he has as much right to ds as i do, despite my feelings about him and how he treats me.

Believe me, it pains me to even tell you this but even if he doesnt see your child for 5 years, the minute he decides he wants to be in his life if he's willing to make the effort, a court would rule that you have no choice but to allow it - in small stages at first but he would get access unless the child was in danger.

in addition to this, if he is in no danger from him, then your child might resent you in later life for preventing them having a relationship.

If his interest or involvement isn't looking very positive, all I would say is make sure you don't put him on the birth cert when you register the baby. It will save you a lot of hassle as you won't have to go and find him each time you make a decision regarding the baby.

If at a later date he DOES show a positive interest in and involvement with the baby, you can always add him to the birth cert, it is much easier to do this than to remove him from the cert.

Yes, if he went to court he could get himself added to the cert easily, but by the sounds of it the main problem you'll have is trying to track him down, in which case not havign him on the birth cert will save you a lot of hassle each time you want to register child for new school etc etc.

Hope this makes sense. Best of luck with your baby!

Bear in mind that while your DC has a right to contact with his/her father (unless the father is actively dangerous) the father has no right to direct contact with you if you don't want to have contact with him. All arrangements for access, etc can be handled via a third party - this is the best solution if you have an XP who is using access arrangements as a way to harass and bully you.
It sounds like you might be best off saying to this man that you will let him know when the baby is born but in the mean time you don't want to see or hear from him (given that he is making such a nuisance of himself). It;s not His Child until birth, up until then you don't have to have anything to do with him.
Does the man have family and if so how do you get on with them? Even if he is a complete arse, it might be a good thing for your baby to build a relationship with grandparents/aunts/cousins etc if they are reasonable people. Other than that, if you offer reasonable access and the XP doesn;t turn up or mucks you about, keep records of everything so if he starts (as abusive or wanky men often do) threatening or launching assorted legal actions, you can state the facts and he will not get hsi way.
Bst of luck.

i dnt know if his family even know i exist, i tried introducing him to my family but he didnt turn up, ive asked about his family and if they want to meet me, i wudnt even know them on the street as he never takes it any further wen i ask to meet them. his family do alot of drugs from his own admission and he does it with his own mother, i only found this out after i found i was pregnant. has his other son whilst doing drugs as he i have seen this and he has driven with the child in the car with him.

i already keep a diary of everything and intend to do so in the future, i will lwt him know the baby is here and then stop my contact, if he wants to push for contact he can do prove he is trustworthy and i can rely on the fact he will be there wen he says as he has done nufin to prove to me he wants this baby or will do right by the baby.

I think you should cut contact with him for the moment, TBH. Why put up with a stroppy drug addict hanging around when you are pregnant? It's also perfectly reasonable to refuse access to someone who is under the influence of drugs, and insist on drug tests for him to have access, so don't worry too much about him taking you to court (it's probably all bullying bullshit anyway, he doesn't want access so much as he wants to harass you).
Of course if he does get clean he might turn into a lovely co-parent, but right now I would suggest putting him out of the picture and concentrating on yourself and your baby.

thank you for all your advice, such a horrible situation and hinesight would of really been useful but i have t do what i can now and just what your saying has helped alot.

thanx xx

good luck hun, keep us posted x

MiniMouse, you are talking bollocks. The child has a right to know who its father is. Nod end or not.

Fab, if you read my post you will see that I never said don't let the child know who its father is - all I said is don't put his name on the birth cert if he is wavering!!!

This is from my personal experience - split from dds father when pg, he was wavering about 'whether or not he wanted to have a baby' even though she was PLANNED. Although he seemed more keen after the birth I decided not to put him on the birth cert AFTER LEGAL ADVICE. It was a difficult and very upsetting decision. I also discussed it with my ex and he agreed to my decision, so I didn't go sneaking around behind his back. The reason I did it is because unfortunately there are many women who are now trying to get the father's name removed from the birth cert as they are having difficulty tracking him down to agree to things like school admisions, or worse, if the child needs an operation or whatever.

My dd has a relationship with her dad, I would never prevent that, in fact I have, like most single mums, tried to do everything I can to encourage them to have regular contact and a strong bond. But to be honest he has been a bit 'wax and wane' about fatherhood, it is early days, and I don't have 100% conviction that he will stay the course, especially as he has a new relationship.

For what it's worth, when I registered dd, THE REGISTRAR SAID (completely unprompted) 'I think you are doing the right thing not putting him on the cert if you are not together, I have far far too many many mums here devastated because they can't remove their child's father's name from the cert, and it causes lots of problems for them when seeking his agreement/signature every time they want to register child for new school etc etc'.

So, I think I made the best decision at the time, and I wanted to share that with the OP. I find being told I am talking bollocks pretty offensive tbh.

I still think a child has the right to have their father's name on the birth certificate and it is awful ime when they are not.

Again, please read my original post:

"If at a later date he DOES show a positive interest in and involvement with the baby, you can always add him to the birth cert, it is much easier to do this than to remove him from the cert."

If the OP finds her ex turns into wonder dad, she can add him to the birth cert any time she likes. I would be more than happy to do the same, but my dd is still a baby and as I explained, things are still a bit shaky with her dad. To me the most important thing is that a child has loving, actively involved parents. A piece of paper means very little really, in comparison.

Anyway, I'm new here.

The post you so politely called 'bollocks' was my first post on the lone parents board.

I don't think I'll be coming back if that's the kind of welcome people are given.

this is quite interesting for me because ds father IS on his birth certificate but I've never had to ask his agreement for any pre-school admission, treatment or even his passport?

I have residency of ds but ive never been asked to prove this???

btw - i think what minimousse is saying is being misunderstood - she's merely saying that the op should wait to see if her exp is willing to be a father before she puts him on the birth cert. I assume she means for the sake of the child

I'd wait and see about the birth certificate too. It's a pragmatic way to protect yourself and your kid until you're sure he's going to be a positive influence.

Just make sure you give him generous opportunities to prove himself as a dad. If he is able to do so without being abusive to you or your kid, then put him on the cert. Be fair about it, don't let your relationship BS stop him being a dad if he's able to be so. If he is abusive, get out as soon as you can and protect yourself and kid.

thanx for all your answers, i look at my situation and i can only go with what i think is the right thing to do, y wud i want a half hearted attempt at a father in my childs life, i wont lie to the baby, or stop access but im nt going to go out of my way as i have throughout my whole pregnancy to find a loser that cant even be there wen i tell him im having a miscarriage with his child at 5mths as he had to be somewhere else at the time!!! Also wen he cudnt rememeber wot he had said previousy due to the amount of drugs he had taken he thought i had given birth early and his exact words were " ill catch up with you soon", does that sound like hes going to pipe anytime soon - i think not!! we all have our own situations and deal with them in different ways, my main concern is that my child never feels fear like i have done in the last few weeks and feel as let down as i have my whole pregnancy as he waits at a window for his father to come as i have many a time waiting for him to grow some balls and be there and support me!

the suspected miscarriage was at 5mths, i was admitted to hospital and they said it was the start of a miscarriage, i ws with him when i started to bleed and he wudnt take me to hospital and told me to just calm down, when i took MYSELF to hospital in the early hours of the morning he did his usual act of disappearing from contact for 3 days and then didnt even ask how i was or the baby!

He sounds like a total loser. Do you have other people in your life who can be there for you and look after you? I think you need to forget about him for the moment as he clearly isn't going to help you. I notice you say you are scared of him - if he is dangerous, you can get a court order to keep him away from you if necessary.

ythanx for all your advice, i was early and had a beautiful baby boy, i have already startd legal action and will do things the leagally correct way, he has since said he wants to be in his life but it was only a few days ago that he threatened me AGAIN whilst i was in hospital with complications after the birth! I am not going to be bullied into a corner and certainly not be naive in thinking he has changed overnight as when i said come and visit his reply was" i dont see how this will work if i have to travle to see him", i live 10mins down the road and am moving away and even then im still in th same country!! Girls from hard experience do not get be bullied by these men, its too little, too late and he will be given the chance but in the right way and i will not be made to feel guilty just because after all i have been through he has decided to pipe up!!

Thanx agaon for all your help xx

Hi, this is my first post and thought I'd add to this thread as I am in a similar situation.... I am four months pregnant and split with my ex the day I found out I was pregnant. We were together for 9 months and during that time he wouldn't respect my wishes, decisions and was extremely stubborn on a regular basis, I became more and more unhappy with him constantly saying I was upset because it my choice and I needed professional help and I didn't find him supportive at all - I was signed off work through depression just before falling pregnant. My ex has a diagnosis of bipolar type two (and also has had issues with smoking weed) but has been constantly trying to make out that I am disturbed, unstable and volatile. We recently had an argument and he called the police saying I was unstable - I am very worried about this as it shows he is willing to get authorities involved (the police left with no concerns). He recently sent an email saying I was a b*tch to live with and a spoilt child - I am struggling financially and he is not working and turned down work in the past few weeks. I don't believe he is a positive influence to me or my unborn child and I do not trust him at all.... Have asked him to leave me alone - not sure what to do next, has been making the pregnancy quite stressful.