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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Can we talk about loneliness please?

40 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 26/12/2009 20:34

As much as I do not regret my decision to leave ex, once DS is in bed I am so fricking lonely.
I was fairly isolated and a little lonely beforehand to be honest, but could kid myself as I lived with someone and house always had people coming and going.

I am finding it hard to adjust, and just feel so . I am kind of embarassed but haven't namechanged as plan to for the new year!

My RL people (sis and friend) have their own probs/ families going on.

Any tips on what I can do to ease this a bit please? I am thinking of starting a course/evening class in the new year but am having an operation in a few weeks which will need a significant recovery/ laying around bored time afterward so feel like that is kind of putting me on hold too if that makes sense.

Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 26/12/2009 20:48

Hi

I spend too much time on here and on facebook. There's no need to be embarrassed, it is hard, especially as you have had someone around for you. A course is a good idea, in the meantime, there's always mumsnet to keep you occupied. Have you looked at the local bit for meet ups etc?

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 26/12/2009 20:51

Yes I spend too much time online too fluffy and I am worried I am depending on it too much for something that it can't actually provide anyway.

MN is a lifeline for me though and I'm addicted I think it's brilliant.

OP posts:
GettingThingsSorted · 26/12/2009 20:53

Yep - you are not alone on this one .

I feel exactly the same.

I too made the right decision to split from XH. I feel much happier without him here (as I had a really cr* year with him before I got him to leave) but that doesn't stop there being some sh* and lonely times.

I find I do tend to get stuck in a trance at times and hours pass with me sitting doing nothing, thinking about what's happened and getting a bit stuck. But mostly I'm just trying to take each day as it comes, to treat and look after myself, to do the best for the DCs (one of whom has gone off the rails, so a big worry) and above all else keep doing things that make me happy.

GettingThingsSorted · 26/12/2009 20:54

And I'm addicted to MN too. Not good really, but equally a lifeline.

MrsMorgan · 26/12/2009 21:04

Being lonely is definatly the very worst part of being single, I hate it.

I also spend far too much time on here and fb and really need to cut it back on it.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 26/12/2009 21:08

Oh god I do the sitting in a trance thing too.

Yes I usually concentrate on having a great time with DS and we are both much happier now in our new home than we were before, it's just such an adjustment.

I guess it is something I will have to work on. Both building a social life / support network in RL as well as adjusting to and enjoying my alone time.

OP posts:
GettingThingsSorted · 26/12/2009 21:18

One thing I have found wonderful is that some RL friends have been real saviours and have really helped me get through it.

They're mostly people I've known for years who I think I've neglected really over the years , or maybe it's just that things are very different when you're married and your priorities are so different. Anyway, a number of RL friends have been very good to me and I try to make sure I organise meet ups with them regularly (rotating them so they don't get too fed up!). Also, am spending more time on a few hobbies, which is fun as well.

EcoMouse · 27/12/2009 00:39

Aboard, it takes time not just to heal oursevles but our lives in general following a break up.

Socialising is one aspect that takes time but it will happen, have faith! Try not to see your current lonelyness as a state of any permanance, it's just another phase which will pass.

Does your DS have contact with his father? Contact is the time I force myself to get out and about as it both takes my mind off of the worries of contact and opens opportunities for socialising.

Whether it's a night out with friends or to shop or go to a cafe, etc. I haven't started a course because I have too many hobbies on the go as it is! Which, incidentally, do help to deal with the daily lonelyness.

I seem to have adjusted in some sense and always feel more positive if I have arranged a social event to look forward to. When lonelyness starts to gnaw, I focus on that

makkapakkamoo · 27/12/2009 02:18

ATA, hugs hun, I am feeling the same too. You do not have to feel embarassed or namechange. I meant it about the meet ups in the school hols, even if it means coming to you so ds doesn't have too many disruptions to his routine.

i am usually online on fb chat but if it says offline just inbox me to see if i am on (might be off if there's someone i don't wish to speak to!). I have been feeling the same tonight, and i am happy to pass on my number if its a voice you would rather hear sometimes instead of a screen. get on my network and it's free lol! i know i have been a bit wrapped up in this week's events, but i always have my shoulder ready for you hun (aww).

i have had an idea, what about something along the lines of an OU course or some other home-studying? a daytime course that refreshes something you already know (English Lit GCSE/computing eg) would allow you the time out for your op. What interests did x discourage that you really enjoyed? Anything arty/crafty that you will still be able to do?

You're not alone hun, you have been a wonderful friend and you obv have a lot to offer any friend seeing as you have helped me so much through you're own trauma xox

Peabody · 27/12/2009 06:41

This is a very geeky suggestion, but if you're stuck in the house with the kids asleep upstairs, online role-playing games can be a way of meeting new people without leaving home. They are also a lot of fun.

I do appreciate that they are not everyone's cup of tea, though.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 27/12/2009 18:12

Hi everyone, sorry not been back on I went to bed early last night and have been out all day keeping busy.

Thanks for all the replies, I am definately going to look into all the suggestions (Peabody - not geeky at all).

My ex didn't overtly block me from doing anything, but anything I did aroused suspicion, even things like paiting/drawing spontaneously, or painting my finger nails! Can do anything I want now and I guess I need to figure out what I would like to do with my time.

An OU course would be a good way around my operation delaying things, but am also keen on the social aspect of learning. Could do a short OU course and then a short evening course once I'm recovered though I guess.

DS goes to his Dad's two nights a week (although this week instead of having him extra over xmas at my offering, he has decided on less access due to social commitments) . SO far I have been using this time to do my house up, but yes it is good 'me time' and much as I miss him it is handy to have that free time.

The idea that this is a phase and the pace of life will pick up again socially is a comforting thought. It helps to know other people feel like this from time to time too.

OP posts:
GettingThingsSorted · 27/12/2009 18:20

You sound perky today

I myself am shopped out! Enjoyed the sales but hard to balance this with spending time with one quite isolated teenage DC who tends to be at home solo when I go out .

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 27/12/2009 18:34

Hi getting things sorted I hit the shops too. DS got a pirate ship for xmas so we went pirate shopping and I treat myself to a nice framed poster, will try to get a pic of it onto my profile.....

Aaw at your teenager, have you looked at if there is anything locally they can get involved in? Is this the teen you mentioned earlier on?

OP posts:
GettingThingsSorted · 27/12/2009 22:05

Glad you enjoyed the shops Aboard

Trying to help DC but it's complicated I'm afraid - easier without XH here though!

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 27/12/2009 22:16

Yes I'm with you on the 'easier without ex here' Hope you get things sorted out with them / for them.

have a peek on my photos at my new poster, I'm adopting it as my mantra.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 28/12/2009 01:08

I want one!!!!!

GettingThingsSorted · 29/12/2009 00:24

Great poster and a good mantra to have

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 00:30

I know being lonely is hard and can be really difficult, but it is also a good thing, sometimes we need to go through things alone and come to terms with loneliness and get to know ourselves as individuals in ordewr to grow and then face the world as a new stronger person. It is a phase, try to remember that, and fill your time with getting to know yourself again and growing as an individual, even if just by borrowing a pile of books from the library and working through them while soaking in the bath while the kids are in bed.

Try to see th positive and make the most of this time you have by yourself to do whatever you want within your limits. You are in control of your life and you are the one who has the ability to change your situation or embrase it and leanr from what it has to offer you.

makkapakkamoo · 29/12/2009 01:52

Thank you OMDB for such an inspirational post! I am thinking of this time as a blank chapter in my book of life; it's up to me how I fill it. I think I may be discovering a new interest - I was having such fun playing with the airbrush program that came with my new camera (thank you mum ) that i just passed about 3 hours without noticing!

I agree about rediscovering ourselves. Before we met these freaks men we were single independent women >, and we have been through so many changes, becoming mothers one of the biggest. We have a whole new identity out there just waiting for us to discover. I love rediscovering things I liked before and it's great fun trying out new stuff!

Now I've just got to decide what...xox

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 08:35

makka you sound like a strong independant woman, you will get through this!

I'm glad my post helped, I am surprised you could understand it with all the typos lol

I think something that helped me deal with the loneliness was to accept it, and embrace it, instead of viewing it as something that I was defective for thinking and being. There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, with being lonely, just like there is nothing wrong with feeling sad, or bored, or happy, or excited, as long as these feelings are justified it is ok. Don't be embarrassed about legitimate suffering or legitimate emotions, far better to feel it and deal with it and come out the other side than to supress it.

Far better to feel lonely when you are single and sitting on your own at night than to feel lonely when you are surrounded by people or in a relationship with a man you shouldn't be with. That's a far worse loneliness.

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 08:37

now I'm off to play spider solitaire on the xomputer, just because I can!

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 29/12/2009 14:38

Thank you OMDB

I have been relishing long relaxing bubble baths and reading in peace - lovely

I do need to figure out who I am again and embrace being on my own, making my own choices and spending my time how I would like. After 9 years doing the opposite of that it feels wierd but very nice.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 29/12/2009 15:09

Perhaps it is only now we are realising just how much of our energy was spent trying to please Mr Impossible! Even though my x worked away mon-fri virtually every week, he would be on the phone several times a day to have a rant because someone had cut him up driving/he'd run out of cigarettes/was lost. Of course it was always my fault and god forbid if I didn't answer his calls or reply to his texts pronto (yes, obviously it means i'm off shagging x/y/z not changing a nappy/cooking/bathing ..i wish lol!)

Hope you are still ok.

I am relaxed as I know he cannot contact me for at least another 3 weeks dontya LURVVE bail conditions

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 29/12/2009 16:07

Yes mine rang me up while he was working to moan and interogate too. It is like they go to some secret knobhead school isn't it!?!

I have sent this afternoon making chocolate cornflake buns with DS.

OP posts:
GettingThingsSorted · 29/12/2009 18:28

And I spent mine making chocolate cake. Hoping to entice DCs friends around for a bit of fun this afternoon but in the end I ate it with the DCs (not actually that nice anyway, need to get better at cake making - I enjoy it though!)

Now out for a bite to eat with a girlfriend