Ex p doing what he can to ruin things

[dontcallmepeanut]

Ok, bit of a long story here.

In may, I left my partner after he started getting aggressive towards my ds. As he'd been abusive in the past towards me, I feared where it was going and left him.

Anyway, I've kept him updated with our ds's progress, feeling it was best for ds (I moved 200 miles away, after he kept threatening me with social services, threatening suicide and threateniing to kill me and ds)He has a contact address where he can get things forwarded to me. Yet he's made no effort for access. Although this makes things easier for me, he recently said to me he'd be happy seeing our ds once a year. Once a year, I kid you not. What has an almost two year old done to deserve this? When my soon gets older, how do I explain to him that his dad wasn't bothered about seeing him?

As for Christmas, and my son's birthday two weeks later, he originally said he would deposit £50 for each into our sons account. Then he cut it down to £50 altogether. He was supposed to deposit this two weeks ago to give me time to buy something for ds. then he said he'd do £25, which he didn't. He now intends to do this the day before Christmas eve. Somehow I don't believe him. Last year, he spent nothing on our son for christmas, and borrowed £10 from his nan to buy his birthday present. As far as I'm aware, he's yet to pay this back.

Since I left, I've been asking him to change the virgin media bill from my name (seeing as I'm no longer there) to his name. I phoned Virgin myself, and was informed that I'd need to sign a form, as well as my ex. At the time, they had no address for me that they would have been allowed to send the bill to. Eventually, they agreed to take the phone call as a verbal signature, and sent him the required form. He told me this was returned. Foolishly, I believed him, until he told me last week that it still hadn't been changed over, and that he'd sent three forms back. I phoned Virgin last night and they told me they had no record of any form being sent back, nor any additional forms being sent. Also, the bill had not been paid since September 28th (he was still able to pay this, following an agreement with virgin that he could phone to make payments) and the outstanding amount stood at £290. Eventually, I managed to talk a member of staff into transferring the account (and debt) to my ex. It seems he was still trying to ruin my finances.

I'd also asked ex p to send down some certificates I needed for my college course and UCAS application.Last wednesday, he claimed he'd done this, costing him £7.50. As I used to sell on Ebay, I was aware a folder shouldn't cost so much, but thought I'd give him the bernefit of the doubt, as he didn't ask me to re-imburse the costs.As of yet, it hasn't arrived at the address he has, nor has the "unable to deliver" leaflet from the Royal Mail. I twigged he definitely hadn't sent it when I sent a parcel to Cyprus today, of a similar weight, costing £2.55.

I'm at my wits end. If he keeps breaking promises to me, what happens if he changes his mind re: access, gets access then starts letting my son down again? How can I trust him not to hurt my ds? And why should I keep up my side of the deal and keep him updated on our ds?

[DillieTantie]

Mixed messages here, IMO. You moved 200 miles to get away from your XP who threatened to kill you and DS. You sort of keep in touch and want him to have access to the DS that he wanted to kill. Then you criticise him for not wanting to see the potential murder victim more than once a year.
Your last paragraph talks about broken promises to you and what about broken promises re access.
Access?! You must be mad if what you have said is true.
I left a violent husband some years ago. After I had left him, he found me, broke into my house, bashed my face to hell, and threatened to kill our DDs. They pissed themselves in terror. I grabbed a wooden ornament and beat the crap out of him. He had the nerve to call the Police, who arrested him for his assault on me. My reaction was, happily, deemed self-defence.
I moved many miles away and was never motivated to update him about the DDs or to be crazy enough to ask if he would like access.

[Janos]

Why do you even want to have contact with this man? If it's in the hope of him realising how awful he was and turning into a reasonable human being...it's not going to happen

I'm very surprised you want him to have access to DS when he has threatened to kill both of you. Wouldn't it be better for your DS if he never saw or heard from his father again if he's capable of that?

Anyway, YABU to trust him as he's shown quite clearly that he isn't trustworthy.

Don't waste any more time and energy on him, and don't expect him to behave decently. Spend it on building up a new life for you and your DS.

[SleighBelleDameSansMerci]

Seriously, I think (from what you've said) that you and your DS are better off without this man in your lives.

As for the certificates, you can get copies. It's a hassle but probably much less hassle than dealing with this selfish and, frankly, unpredictable man.

[Janos]

Sorry if that all sounds harsh. I really do feel for you and you've shown great strength in getting you and your DS away from this situation.

Please don't jeopardise your hard won peace of mind by allowing this man any access to your life at all.

Just had a look at your OP again and I see that your ex was being aggressive to your son. If your ex is not pursuing access then thank your lucky stars.

[Janos]

NB the reason why I say that is because abusive men will often use access issues as way to get at their ex, so if he doesn't then you and your DS are at least spared that.

[dontcallmepeanut]

I thinnk you've both misunderstood what I'm trying to say. I don't WANT him to have access, but at the same time, I know iof he applies for it, he'll most likely get supervised access. I've been told that by a solicitor.

I personally believe it'd be better for my son never to see him again, but I've been told IABU by my family. Was adviused by all of them to maintain verbal contact, sdo that way I couldn't be accussed of being selfish. Yes, my head swims over this.

The chastising of his attitude about access comes from the fact that he claims he WANTS to see our son, claims he's sorry for his previous words and claims to the outside world he's the doting father who just made a mistake. for me, the best thing I could hear would be "I don't want to see our ds", at least I know he's not messing us all about. But even then, I've been adviosed never to tell our ds about the violence (again, my family), but WHAT do I tell him instead?

[Janos]

Ah ok with you now peanut.

Sorry, I did misunderstand you and owe you an apology.

I thought you were trying to 'promote' access and that's clearly not the case. I completely understand where you are coming from now as abusive exes often use access as a tool to cause more upset and it doesn't surprise me he is doing this. Neither am I suprised but his supposed remorse, no doubt put on

He shouldn't, but it is possible he will get supervised access.

I'm really shocked at your family's attitude in this at a time when you need their support 100% - he has threatened to kill you and your son!!!

My XP is awful too (doesn't sound quite as nasty as yours though) and one thing that has kept me going is their support.

I think it would be helpful if you contacted womens aid. I know they offer legal advice.

[Janos]

Link here

[dontcallmepeanut]

Janos, no need to appologise. I re-read my post, and realised it wasn't too clear (damn insomnia/wine)

My mother excused his threats with "people say things they don't mean when they're angry, that's all it was" I think m sister is the only one who's said he's better off on another planet, but it's only been the past twoi weeks I've been in contact with her (m ex convinced me she hated me, she was depressed at the time, and unable to make the first move at a reconciliation)

thank you for the link, I'll contact them.

[Janos]

That would be a good starting point because you really need some sound, objective legal advice.

Glad your sis is on side.

Mine tried to isolate me from my family too..almost succeeded but, thank god he didn't.

Bein charitable to your mum, perhaps she doesn't understand or has her head in the sand. That often happens. Not that it's an excuse for her attitude.

You may have seen http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 61258147&sr=8-1 this book touted on here a lot. I would recommend it for anyone in your situation.

How are you getting on?

[Janos]

Sorry, link didn't work I'll try again. The title of the book is
Why does he do that?

[dontcallmepeanut]

Thank you, Janos. he did succeed with my sister for two ears, as well as various other friends

aye, that's what I try telling myself.

I'll order that book at some point, looks like int'll help me understand him a lot easier.

I'm getting there, I've got a good support network of friends about, but none that've been in this situation

[Janos]

How are you doing today peanut?

[dontcallmepeanut]

feeling really ill, so kinda low in general. got a chest infection, anbd now picked up a cold.

hope you're well, Janos