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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When do you call it a day?

68 replies

fairyfly · 26/06/2005 17:51

The father of my children has dissapeared again. Stopped my money and not contacted us for a month. From past experience we won't hear from him for another two, he will then say he couldn't see his children as i am a bitch but he has punished me enough and now will give me a break.
Also he says he stops my money as it is the only way he can effect me and make me suffer. C.S.A. have had his details for 18 months and have done nothing.
Anyway in the past i have let him then have his children and he builds up his relationship again.
This is the first time i have not contacted him begging for money or encouraged him to be a good father. I have had enough and will not try and change him anymore. What i want to know is has anyone decided enough is enough with random contact and stopped the relationship. Or are some of you letting this pattern carry on for years on end. I'm interested in what we should and will put up with and how long you let them act like selfish tossers. I have posted along these lines before about a bad dad being better than no dad and vice versa. Just shows what i difficult decision it is and i can never really work out what is the best and healthiest option for my boys.

OP posts:

Caligula · 01/07/2005 11:46

I suppose the bare minimum is a start!

Original poster

fairyfly · 01/07/2005 17:25

Yes i suppose you are right, i will send him a goody bag

OP posts:

Original poster

fairyfly · 08/07/2005 18:19

i think the day has cometh, i have a weeping child. Daddy rang and said hes not coming as he doesn't trust i will be here when he brings them back.

OP posts:

sunchowder · 08/07/2005 18:20

Sorry FF..salt in the wound. Wish I could twitch my nose and make it all go away.

hercules · 08/07/2005 18:21

at least they have one good parent.

Original poster

fairyfly · 09/07/2005 10:16

boy is fine now, obviously used to it. i was just thinking that i am still having the effects of his behaviour, no stabilty or consistency in our relationship when we were together. it screwed me up. Anyhow it has been the thought i have needed to say enough is enough, i can prevent them being torn apart in the future. i have given him enough time to sort this out and it just always causes pain. Soooooo, when he nexts rings i am denying him access. No more going back on my word, no more being pushed about and definetly no more broken promises to my kids.

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 09/07/2005 10:49

FF I had much the same problem with my exdh. We split, he promised to come and see/take the kids out every week, we would arrange dates and times. These would come and go with no sign of him, the kids would end up in floods of tears. dd was expecting to meet him on her birthday as arranged, he never showed, cue distraught child and one mad-as-hell mother.
He gave up his job so the CSA couldn't take any money from him and give it to me. The times he did keep to plans and saw the kids he was a nervous wreck and would be sobbing because he missed them so much. It was pathetic and this affected them more than not seeing them Ithink.

We last saw him 7 years ago (although I have seen him in court for a couple of official things) but the kids haven't seen him in all that time. Now I have put my foot down and said they will never meet him again until they are 18 and old enough to make their own minds up about him. I will not let him disrupt their lives any more and whilst they are young enough for me to have control over this, I shall stick to my guns.

I haven't read through the whole thread but sometimes I think it's best for you to do what you believe is in the best interests of your kids and what they need more than naything is stability and continuity.

kgc · 09/07/2005 22:14

hi fairyfly I was in a similar situation with my first child and after being dumped when I was 6 months pregnant by him and then on and off relationship after that my DD was rushed to hospital with viral chest infection and was quite sick and he would not come to see her so I decided that was enough and even though it broke my heart I swore I would have nothing to do with him again. I contacted the CSA and had a battle with them for a couple of years and he even made me take a DNA test saying DD was not his!!! Well DNA proved she was and then a battle to get money out of him began....but am now receiving money from him via it being docked from his wages as he cannot be trusted to give it to the CSA himself. I have since moved and met my husband upon my move and he took on my DD as his own and now have 3 more children with my husband and am very happy......so believe me it can be done and a happy ending can be acheived. Good Luck fairyfly and hope it works out for you, stick with what you feel in your heart....take care

QueenEagle · 09/07/2005 22:19

FF = the defining moment when I knew it was time to call it a day with ex-dh:

ds1 was in hospital for an operation. I stayed with him. dd and ds2 went to childminder. exdh was due to pick ds2 and dd up. I returned home late in the evening with a very distressed ds1 after his op. No sign of exdh. He has "forgotten" that ds1 was having his op (only finalised the arrangements the day before) and "forgot" to pick up the other2. It was 2 days later exdh made contact, having been on a bender for 3 days. I have never forgiven him to this day for that episode.

kgc · 09/07/2005 22:33

Totally understand QueenEagle....good for you for getting shot

QueenEagle · 09/07/2005 22:38

kgc - he turned into a total t@sser unfortunately. Kids have not seen him for over 7 years now. It would have been my 15th wedding anniversary 2 days ago, had we still been together.

kgc · 09/07/2005 22:42

Hi QueenEagle I hope that you are having a better life without him. Have you found love since....hoping so

QueenEagle · 09/07/2005 22:46

Spent 5 years on my own before marrying again. He took on my 3 as his own and we have 2 together. Just coming up to our 3rd wedding anniversary.

spursmum · 09/07/2005 22:57

Just had to add my opinion to this. My ex-p left my son 3 weeks before his first birthday at my parents and didn't come back for 6 months. He came crawling back saying he'd had a hard life and wanted to start up again. When I told him that his contact was to be regular and confirmed in advance, he seemed fine. Then I told him that he broke the biggest rule in my life(leaving my son) so there would never be anything between us again, he left again. My ds was diagnosed with ASD this week and somehow the news got to him. I got a blunt message on my phone saying that he will never have anything to do with him again as he's different. I will tell my son the truth when he starts to ask questions(i refuse to lie for that f***r) but let him decide if he wants contact with his father in later life. I think your kids will be better off if you stop contact and give them a bit of stability. Do not run their father down in earshot of them(it will hurt them) but be truthful and try to be the best parent you can be. they will love you for it.

kgc · 09/07/2005 23:03

Good for you QueenEagle.......so glad has worked out for you

Hope that these threads give you confidence fairyfly.

kgc · 09/07/2005 23:09

Sorry to hear that you have had ASD diagnosed with ds hoping all is okay and that you are getting all the help you can.....but glad that you are having no more and never will...cannot believe what he said that is outrageous....was shocked honest..... but sure all who threaded and the originater fairfly will tell you that you did the right thing and hoping all okay

kgc · 09/07/2005 23:10

last thread from me for spursmum.........

Loobie · 10/07/2005 18:38

How you doing fairyfly?? Why wait till next time he rings to tell him,just call him up and tell him that there will be no more access to the children until some sort of legal agreement is drawn up and adhered to.$ weeks now with no contact whatsoever and they kids are doing absolutely fabulous,i have even managed 2 outings with them on my own,one today and one last week so they are defuinately benefitting from not having him pussyfooting around and using them to cause rows

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