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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When do you call it a day?

68 replies

fairyfly · 26/06/2005 17:51

The father of my children has dissapeared again. Stopped my money and not contacted us for a month. From past experience we won't hear from him for another two, he will then say he couldn't see his children as i am a bitch but he has punished me enough and now will give me a break.
Also he says he stops my money as it is the only way he can effect me and make me suffer. C.S.A. have had his details for 18 months and have done nothing.
Anyway in the past i have let him then have his children and he builds up his relationship again.
This is the first time i have not contacted him begging for money or encouraged him to be a good father. I have had enough and will not try and change him anymore. What i want to know is has anyone decided enough is enough with random contact and stopped the relationship. Or are some of you letting this pattern carry on for years on end. I'm interested in what we should and will put up with and how long you let them act like selfish tossers. I have posted along these lines before about a bad dad being better than no dad and vice versa. Just shows what i difficult decision it is and i can never really work out what is the best and healthiest option for my boys.

OP posts:

Flossam · 26/06/2005 20:05

FF, I don't know if it will help but uncertainty of visits is what I feel 'damaged' me the most. Every week as a child Hearbeat with Tony Hart used to come on and I thought my Dad would be arriving. In reality he only did a few times. But those few times were not always arranged, so my mum could never say he wouldn't come. Some years I recieved birthday/xmas cards, on others I wouldn't. Then contact stopped all together, and I was left wondering what was wrong with me. This dosen't answer your question very well, does it? What I am trying to say is, if the father is still going to visit, which I really think as hard as it is, you should encourage him to, he should stick to arrangements, 'surprise' visits only upset me personally even more, as does infrequent or sporadic visiting. You are right to sort the silly bugger out.

fishfinger · 26/06/2005 20:07

she going to get caller display first of all
and do " a NUtty" and ring the csa deprtment every day to nag them into submission

Original poster

fairyfly · 26/06/2005 20:14

He should stick to arangements but he doesn't. I have had my children sat in their coats and shoes and he has not turned up. On his birthday aswell. I now don't mention he is coming as i am not sure he will. Probably damaging but its either that or nothing at all.

OP posts:

lou33 · 26/06/2005 20:26

my father was a horribel person. imo having no father was better for me than having one who only wanted to see me when he had nothing better to do, and to salve what little conscience he had.

Loobie · 26/06/2005 21:16

FF i have been having almost the exact same predicament with ex and my 3.Up until 9 months ago he lived round the corner and saw the kids every day( we have been separated 3 years),9 months ago he moved to milton keynes for work,we are in scotland.The agreement was that he would come back up every 4 weeks to see the kids,it never materialised,he didnt come up for 6 weeks then 7 weeks then 3 months then 6 weeks then 9 weeks.
Over the last 3 1/2 months i have been back and forth between him and a solicitor to try to get him to sign an agreement whereby he will come to scotland every 6 weeks and see the kids,he has verbally agreed but then gone back on it once the solicitor sent the proposal,he then started saying he was coming every 8 weeks which i said was insufficient,the kids are 9 with severe autism and other difficulties,7 and 2 1/2.
He then threatened to have me 'done away with' so he could have the kids to which he was promptly reminded that he has no parental rights so wouldnt get them even if i was run over by a bus tomorrow.After that threat i was no longer willing to allow him to visit at my home(he is unable to take them out on his own due to ds1 difficulties and the fact that he doesnt even know his 2 yr old dd)so i sent him another letter telling him that his access agreement was changing to every 4 weeks in a contact centre to which he didnt reply either.
He hasnt given any maintenance money for almost 3 months now so on the advice of the solicitor and dr's,teachers etc i stopped any access from now on i was willing to allow him to continue with his wed/sat phone calls but after he upset the kids telling them he was in town last weekend resulting in ds1 attacking himself with a brush and a hard case,i have decided to phase out the phone calls.
He phones ds1 phone but if he gets no answer he calls mine,i make sure ds1 phone is off and just dont answer mine.
He now needs to open a court case to fight me on the access front but in doing so will also have to comply with whatever the court recommends in the best interest of the kids so he has said he wont be doing this either so hopefully we will eventually hear the end of him,the kids have now missed 2 calls and havent even asked about why he hasnt phoned so you can see how important he is to them!!
Whoops that got a bit on the long side but wanted to show you are not alone in your situation or the way you are feeling,feel free to cat me if you want to chat and above else remember that you live with those kids day in and day out and know them better than anyone!!

Caligula · 26/06/2005 21:25

Hmm Flossam that's an interesting viewpoint. I always wonder whether it's more damaging to have a father who is there when he feels like it, or not at all, and I've always suspected that consistency and nothing is better than a dad who's there when he feels like it. It's so difficult to know whether you're damaging your kids by allowing the contact to continue, or damaging them by stopping (or in my case not starting) the sporadic and unpredictable contact.

Original poster

fairyfly · 26/06/2005 22:02

Loobie, have we children off the same man, i actually wouldn't put it past him

I have done exactly the same as you, my solicitor said it was incredibly rare to have women asking for letters permitting contact, it is usually the other way round. We have had arrangements drawn out which he doesn't keep but then says to his gorlfriend i have banned him from seeing them. I am amazed they can put so much effort into lying and being manipulative/ Why do they have to make everything so twisted and complicated. I am giving him encouragement to create a bond and he does everything in his power to become a victim.

As for my children being damaged, in all honesty i think they will be. Not because they don't see him or see him but because they will realise he just doesn't know how to put them first and nuture them. Everything is about him. A father doesn't not go to your school plays because he doesn't want to see his x. He goes because he will put up with anything too witness every possible moment he can.

OP posts:

Loobie · 26/06/2005 22:17

My ex has the same feelings of hatred for me too or at least he tries to portray that to his new women!!And he too uses this as an excuse for anything that takes his fancy.He doesnt seem to realise the damage he is doing to his kids either that or he just dont give a s**t.
when i tell him im going to stop him having access he tries to make me the guilty party by saying and what will that do to them,i just think well i can deal with the kids being in a state every time he shows up,the week before it and the week afterwards or i can deal with him going once and for all and never have to deal with all that again,or at least until they are old enough to understand it themselves.
The kids finished school for the holidays no friday and i have decided thatthis is the time to work on balancing out my kids,stabilising their lives and having fun without worrying about ex causeing untold stress as he decides when and even if he is coming to see them.

Original poster

fairyfly · 26/06/2005 22:34

Sounds like a good idea loobie, i feel i have done that now, thats why i get so stressed about it all i don't want him destroying all my hard work

OP posts:

beetroot · 27/06/2005 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fairyfly · 28/06/2005 16:20

He just rang, i said that he wouldn't be getting contact again unless he put money in my bank and backpayed money he owed me. I'm not entirely impressed i just did that i feel like i'm playing some sick game. I explained that part of his role is not to screw us up everytime he feels like it and to protect my family i wont be putting up with it anymore. I said even if he is not here the effect of him withdrawing payment screw up his childrens life and i don't think if he can manage simple acts of fatherhood i don't want him as a role model. I said if he wasn't happy with my new ultimatum he can take me to court where it can all be official and he can stop picking and choosing when to be involved. He hot the roof i said i will check my account at the end of the week and hung up.

OP posts:

suzywong · 28/06/2005 16:24

good for you love

lilaclotus · 28/06/2005 16:26

gosh! well done you!
i hope he makes the right decision.

Original poster

fairyfly · 28/06/2005 16:53

I hope he does to, i really feel like im blackmailing him though, but i cannot let him do this anymore.

OP posts:

HappyMumof2 · 28/06/2005 17:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fairyfly · 28/06/2005 19:25

Thanks happy mum of two, he's an insult to assholes

OP posts:

HappyMumof2 · 28/06/2005 19:30

Message withdrawn

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 20:13

Good work FF!

If he refuse to do his basic duty financially and emotionally for his children then he isn't worth the effort!

Caligula · 28/06/2005 20:19

Go ff go!

Sounds like you've come to the right decision for you. You never know, when he realises that you're serious, he may to some extent get his act together.

Although of course, it's more likely that he'll buy himself a superhero costume and whine about being denied contact when he's such a loving father.

MrsGordonRamsay · 28/06/2005 20:21

Massive respect FF

Fio2 · 28/06/2005 20:29

you know you are wondeful

Original poster

fairyfly · 28/06/2005 20:52

I sent him a spiderman costume age 4 at christmas, the prick

Now i just have to carry on hassling the csa, get call doodah and pray his talking penis sorts his head out

OP posts:

MrsGordonRamsay · 29/06/2005 18:09

Pmsl AT Spider Man costume

Loobie · 29/06/2005 19:14

Good for you Fairyfly Maybe now he'll realise that you and the kids arent there to be pissed about and do actually have a life irrespective of whether he has one outside of rubbing you up the wrong way.
im still blocking calls from mine but so far havent had him kicken off,he probably thinks im just doing it for a week or so cause he pissed me off,he'll soon get started though once he realises its for good.
And for what its worth ds1 saw the psych again today and i spoke to her about the access thing again and she said im doing the right thing for the kids

Original poster

fairyfly · 01/07/2005 11:32

oh glad they told you that loobie, it must be a relief

well the good news is he put money in my bank, wasn't expecting that, at all. The bad news is it was sod all. But,,,,,,,at least he wasn't pig headed and stubborn, listened to me and took me sriously. Do you think?

OP posts:

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