I don't know what to do, bean's dad wants to see him

[beansmum]

ds turns 1 next week and this morning I got a text from his dad wishing him happy birthday and wanting to see him.

I don't want to see him but I don't want to be the one who stopped bean having a relationship with his dad. I just can't trust him not to let us down (again) and I can't trust myself not to be rude and horrible to him if I see him.

Maybe I should let him see bean now because at least if he does let us down bean wont know about it, what do you think?

I'm crying now, I feel like I've put in so much effort to be a good mum over the last year and now my stupid ex is going to come in and take my son away from me, I don't want to share him!

I agree that the drifting in and out thing is not good for children. I don't actually think frequency of contact matters though, I think the reliability of it is what matters. It doesn't matter if it's once a day, once a week, once a month or once a year, as long as your DS knows that it will be a specific time and you can manage his expectations. Then even if it is only once a year, he knows that's his day with his Daddy. I certainly don't agree with allowing his father to pick him up and drop him as the mood takes him though - imo that is simply crushing for a chld's self-esteem and should be avoided.

I totally agree. I wouldn't mind if it was very infrequent contact, as long as it was regular and my ex could be relied on to turn up at the right time. But my problem is that I don't think he would turn up when he said he would. He let me down a few times when ds was tiny and then just stopped calling so I can't really trust him now.

I texted him in the end and said sory about the solicitor thing, ignore that email and contact me yourself. Haven't heard anything since Matthew's bday now.

PaigeMorgan - NZ, New Zealand

just updating, it looks like I was worried about nothing.

I sent bean's dad a text saying sorry, ignore the email about the solicitor and just contact me yourself. Have had no messages, phone calls, letters, anything since before bean's bday, except the bday card which arrived late.

I guess he wasn't serious, just feeling sorry for himself because it was bean's birthday.

I don't know whether to be angry or relieved. I'm mostly relieved tbh