I don't know what to do, bean's dad wants to see him

[beansmum]

ds turns 1 next week and this morning I got a text from his dad wishing him happy birthday and wanting to see him.

I don't want to see him but I don't want to be the one who stopped bean having a relationship with his dad. I just can't trust him not to let us down (again) and I can't trust myself not to be rude and horrible to him if I see him.

Maybe I should let him see bean now because at least if he does let us down bean wont know about it, what do you think?

I'm crying now, I feel like I've put in so much effort to be a good mum over the last year and now my stupid ex is going to come in and take my son away from me, I don't want to share him!

[tammybear]

glad you feel a bit better beansmum sometimes helps to write down your feelings than letting them explode if you see him

[weesaidie]

Hi beansmum

It sounds like you are going through an awful lot and handling it amazingly well!

I don't know how I would have dealt with the situation but I can totally see myself just wanting him to go away and leave me and dd in peace!

My ex didn't speak to me for months when I got pregnant but he got in touch before I gave birth wanting to have contact with his child. It was hard as I was so angry at him (so ANGRY) but once the focus was on dd not 'us' it became easier.

Obviously your situation is much much harder but I would say give him a chance, like the others say, it is better now while your wee one is still young and won't be so affected if he gets bored.

So typical of men to get 'bored' of being fathers to their children! That is my one worry, that dd's dad will decide he can't be arsed one day once dd (and I) are used to his support.

Good luck sweetie! Good letter!

[beansmum]

I am sooooooooo angry! After all the fuss he made last week and all the text messages he sent me complaining about being left out of beanie's life Matthew's birthday card from his dad arrived today (a day late, but better late than never I suppose).

The envelope didn't have a name on it, just the address, and the card just said, to matty (NOT HIS NAME!!! STOP CALLING HIM THAT!!!) happy birthday from dad. no other message.

I know he doesn't know bean very well and would have had trouble thinking of a meaningful message to write but what about, congratulations on your birthday, sorry I haven't got to know you yet, I hope to see you soon, I'm a total dick I'm sorry....just a few suggestons.

Still waiting to hear anything else about arranging contact, I'm so pissed off right now!

[Aimsmum]

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[beansmum]

the name thing is pissing me off more than it should, but he KNOWS that I don't like it, I asked him last week if he would mind calling him by his proper name, and what's with putting no name on the envelope?! maybe he doesn't actually know what his name is. or maybe he's not sure about the surname, but he has a copy of beans birth certificate so it's not too hard to work it out.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I don't hear anything more from him, but if he does get in touch I will try not to make it hard for him and bean to get to know each other properly.

[Aimsmum]

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[beansmum]

I hope he doesn't think I would call my son by his surname And if he wasn't sure he could have addressed it to me.

I'm not sure that it is important for bean to have a relatinship with his dad, but if my ex is willing to put in the effort and be there when bean needs him then that would be great, I'm just doubtful that bean is going to get anything out of this relationship.

I know it's going to make things a lot more difficult for me to. I know that shouldn't be an issue, I should just want what's best for ds but I'm the one that is there for ds ALL the time and if I'm stressed and upset then ds knows it and gets upset too.

I think I might move to NZ, that would help!

[dillydally]

Can I come to NZ (with DD) too?
We could set up our own mumsnet hotel and bistro using MN recipes?

[beansmum]

YES That's such a good idea, I made the yummiest malteser cake for bean's bday yesterday, I could cook that. And bean and your dd could run around in the sun with no stupid fathers to worry about

[Aimsmum]

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[weesaidie]

Hey beansmum

He sounds like he is behaving like a right pain in the a$$e! I cannot believe he didn't use beans proper name after you specifically asked him not too! I would have thought if he wanted to see his son he would want to get on your good side!

I think the worry is that he will just dip in and out of beans life when he feels like, pissing you off and (when he is older) probably upsetting your son. I hope that won't be the case.

I think Aimsmum is right about not wanting to stop her dd's 'relationship' with her dad - that could cause so much trouble later on.

I am sure bean will always know which parent has been the one committed to him and will appreciate that whether he sees 'dad' or not!

[weesaidie]

PS NZ is fantastic! Definitely should go, set up some kind of commune??

PS Happy 1st birthday Bean! (yesterday!)

[beansmum]

hey weesaidie! you are so wise. I am really worried that he will just dip in and out of beans life when he feels like it, just disrupting us and stressing me out and then disappearing again.

I lived in NZ for 10 years, it is a fantastic place and I would seriously think of moving back there when bean starts school. I'll start looking for hotels/communes and you can all come join me!

[weesaidie]

Wow! Ten years, off the subject but where did you live? I was only there for month travelling round north and south island... really beautiful! Wish it wasn't so far away!

Thank you for calling me wise , I try my best! I totally understand your worry. When I wasn't sure if my dd's dad wanted to be in her life I knew I really didn't want him dropping in and out. I either wanted a real commitment or him just to bu&&er of completely!

Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way does it? I guess you will just have to wait and see what happens. If dd's dad did do the drift in and out thing it would make me angry but I'd probably put up with it so she could see him.

I can't say for sure though as haven't been in your situation... so difficult!

[beansmum]

I lived in a tiny place called piopio (2 shops, 1 pub/hotel and a school), about halfway down the north island. did you go to waitomo caves? it's about 30mins from there.

[weesaidie]

I did go to Waitomo caves - very cool! Stayed in that place near by with all the hot springs... lovely odour I must say! God, can't remember the name, was only there a night or two... sulphur city... ah ha! I have it - Rotarua... probably spelt wrong sorry.

[talie]

Just read your thread - dh left us and is now p'ing about with access! I'm so angry.

The NZ bit caught my eye as well - can single parents go out there? I do have an uncle out there who I could probably track down but may not want to know, but I'd just love to get away from it all and start (what has always been my dream for me and the dd's) a new life in a different country.

Any advice? I suppose I have no chance!!?? Know any rich kiwi's who want a wife?

[beansmum]

Why wouldn't single parents be able to go out there? I have NZ citizenship and so does bean so we can go out any time but I don't see why being single would stop you.

[aloha]

Um, I agree you are right to feel pissed off and I certainly don't want to say anything whatsoever that could sound as if I am criticising you as I think you sound an amazing mother. My only thought was, it might be a good idea to facilitate a meeting between your son and his father and try to foster contact as much as you can stand now not for your son now, but for the future. My friend is a single mother whose arse of an ex has NEVER seen their beautiful son (makes me feel tearful even typing that) and the other day he (he's 3) turned to her and said, "why don't I have a daddy?" and she just burst into tears. She has never tried to stop him seeing his son, he's just a horrible person, sadly. But I think it can be important for little boys to feel they have a daddy, even if he's a pretty rubbish distant one (provided he isn't nasty or violent or anything, obviously).
Just a thought.
Also, I am not keen on solicitors being brought into these things - dh had a battle with his ex (totally different situation to yours, I assure you) and it was very expensive, very upsetting and stressful and made it impossible for them ever to be civilised to each other again. Solicitors (not all, but many IMO) are all too often more interested in stirring up conflict and issuing threats than in coming up with solutions.
Good luck.
And your ex will never take your son away from you!

[beansmum]

I know what you mean, I don't think I should have send that letter about the solicitor now I think about it, but it's done now. I just wanted to make sure that my ex was serious about seeing bean and wasn't going to get bored again.

It does make me sad when I think about how ds will feel in the future if his dad isn't around, but I know I do a good job and he doesn't need his dad. If my ex decides to get his act together and make an effort to be a dad then I will make it work, but I'm not going to go out of my way to chase after him and force him to be a proper father.

[beansmum]

have SENT

[aloha]

Oh I agree it's not your job to chase after him and that single parents can do an amazing job and I'm sure you give him all the love and support he needs in spades. It's more so your ds can feel that he wasn't ever rejected by his father. I certainly wouldn't suggest you make an effort for your ex's sake! Only ever for your ds.

[HappyMumof2]

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[beansmum]

I feel that if my ex wants to make an effort to be a father then I should definitely make it as easy as possible for him to do so, but I am not going to let him see ds when ever he feels like it and then just vanish for months at a time.

That's not a relationship and if it will do no harm to beanie it wont do any good either. It will do my stress levels a lot of harm and although ds is my first priority I have to think of myself as well. I'm a great mum (IMO!) and I stick by my feeling that a child doesn't need his dad, a good relationship with both parents is important but lots of children turn out fine with only one of them around.

I'll write to my ex and tell him not to worry about a solicitor, if he wants to get in contact he will just have to call me sometime, but I'm not letting him near bean until I know he's going to try and see him regularly.

[PaigeMorgan]

oh hun.

i feel sorry for. just stick to ur guns as ur doing ur best.

wheres NZ???