is my EXP deliberately exposing himself????

[zippy96]

At what age should a child stop being made to watch her father weeing and pooing? My LO is almost 3 years old and is fully toilet trained (she can get on and off the toilet and do all the necessary things herself). During his supported visits to my home, he insists she goes into the toilet every time he needs to go and he allows her to watch him go both ways. He insists she uses the loo after him and stays in the room with her. My health visitor has said this is 'highly inappropriate' but my solicitors request for this to stop has failed to bring about any changes. I am really concerned about this. Am I over-reacting?

Could you invite a social worker along for the visit?

The problem is that he sounds like a controlling arsehole.

I know plenty of mums who always take a child to the toilet with them rather than leave them to get up to anything for a few minutes.

If there is someone there to watch her while he goes to the loo I would probably insist on it though.

To be honest, I'm not sure what he's up to. He doesn't pull her by the hand and force her into the loo. He encourages her by taking her hand, even if she says she doesn't want to go. My mum has heard her laughing when he has urinated in front of her. I think he knows it worries me, so even though he has been told to stop it, he doesn't.

I agree with Lauriefairycake. It sounds like a complete control issue rather than anything abusive. If it was more sinister he surely would not be so open about the fact that he was taking her off to the toilet alone.

However, you aren't overreacting especially in light of how he treated your mum before. It needs stopping because it is not necessary and he is doing it to undermine you.

he is controlling you by using her if she does not want to go with him then he needs to stop it

speak to your solicitor again can you ask your hv to write to your solicitor expressing her concerns and then you will have that in writing if there is a problem

He almost hit your mum?

I wouldn't blame your parents if they refused to have anything more to do with it.

Is this access a result of a court decision?

You need it looked at, it's a horrible situation and he is getting everything his own way - what a bastard, and what a bully.

I can't talk to him. He was very controlling. My daughter was still on baby food up until the day I left. He doesn't believe in father christmas and wouldn't allow me to cut her hair. I am so glad I found the strength to get away from him.

It's more than something that just worries you though, that he is doing to piss you off - it's something that your hv has described as 'highly inappropriate. If he thinks it's something funny to wind you up with, he needs to be told, in writing, that it is behaviour that a hcp has stated is inappropriate and that if it continues, you will inform ss and the child protection people.

You need to make sure that the hv has logged in writing somewhere that you have spoken to them about this. You say he threatened to take her off you - do you mean abduct her or go for custody? If he meant that he would challenge for custody then so long as this is logged by your hv I would think he had zero chance of that. What a freak, so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Well done
You did well there

But this is letting him walk all over your parents now, it might be worth removing them from the equation and getting him to use a contact centre, that way he would NEVER get away with that kind of crap

and your parents get off the hook

and he ahs to look foolish rather than helping himself to all the control he wants within your home/family. He prob sees this as a pushover.

Would this be possible?

Zippy, as has been said he is still controling you and your parents isn't he.
Get into a contact centre with supervised contact and meanwhile the hv report to your sol and then written to his sol will really be a take control back thing for you.
Good luck

yes, the court encouraged contact. I didn't want him to see her unsupported and I didn't want him alone in my house. My parents said they would stay there when he visited, but have been told not to supervise him. He has been asked to bring her food if he wants to feed her during his visits, but he comes with nothing and he refuses to feed her what I leave.

Are you keeping a record/diary of all his unreasonable behaviour?

yes, minute by minute notes made by my parents on his visits. the advice regarding the health visitor is most welcome. I am worried that if I stop contact now the court will use it against me though

am in court next week to see cafcass regarding the way forward. am so worried.....

call your health visitor
call cafcass

can you clarify that even though my solicitor tells me I should be meeting cafcass tomorrow, I can self refer earlier? Will speak to hv tomorrow

sorry, meeting cafcass next week in court...

YOu can call cafcass and talk to them iirc.
Your helath visitor is a start, and you can talk to her about asking for contact to be at a contact centre rather than in your home.

thank you cesario. I am worried about doing something wrong. He wants full custody of my daughter, hence my wanting to do things right

at this point I would put a stop to the visists in your home. It sounds realy really odd, and it's very controlling. Don't be scared, of being in your own home for goodness sake. seems like its all what he wants, and nothing that you want/need/are entitled too.

YOu do have to be careful though so I agree that you need to tread carefully. Your health visitor will help I am sure and if she doesn't then call cafcass or if you have a social worker you should call them

I don't have a social worker. don't want him to have access at his mother's house because they drink and smoke (all sorts) with my daughter present. they also have a very big dog.

You should be able to ask for contact to be at a contact centre
your hv will be able to help you

thank you all for your help.