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Original poster

Ex has turned on dc

44 replies

bodgejob · 26/03/2009 14:31

Abusive ex has displayed some worrying behaviour towards our eldest ds during his contact.I have now stopped contact for the time being.

We have now been separated for 1 year. And i'm worried this is his latest tactic to get at me . Well it has suceeded. I am devastated.

Has anyone else experience of this and what should I do next?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 26/03/2009 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Janos · 26/03/2009 19:06

I'm so sorry yoou are going through this bodgejob. Definitely do look at other threads for advice as sadly there are other also in your situation.

I would start by getting a good solicitor if you haven't already. Good luck - you will get lots of support on here.

Original poster
bodgejob · 26/03/2009 21:24

He is denying events now and saying i'm overprotective. He says he no longer wants to fight and he will get out of our lives if thats what i want.

I haven't replied . Completely fed up with the sitution now as I am back to square one with him after a whole year of his crap . When do they get bored and go away?

He just wont take responsibility for anything. Now he wants me to say ok yes leave us all alone so he can tell everyone im stopping him see his kids.

I have bent over backwards for him to keep contact with the dc and it has got me absolutely nowhere. In fact it is far worse now as he abusing kids . I feel like such a failure. It is like his rights as a father seem to be more important than the rights of
our children.

OP posts:
mrsmortenharket · 27/03/2009 11:18

hi bodgejop i am in similar situation to you - i had stopped contact as dd said she didn't want to see him as he was nasty to me on the phone. have very good sol.
she (dd) started missing him and as sol had suggested going through contact centre, we went there (althio i didn't say to dd what the reason was - i did ask her if she wasnted to go again which she does and we are going to morrow, tho i ma not saying to her her dad is going in case he doesn't turn up iyswim.

anyway, my advice to you is:

get yourself a good sol, if you don't get on with one, try again, also try and find one who also specialises in dv (domestic violence - it may take you a whiel to accept that is what your x's behaviour is, but that is what it is).

keep a contact diary. in there record every bit of contatc you have with x, you will need this if things ever get to court. it isn't nice for you to do this, but you need the proof. i fyou ever got o docs because of the stress from x behaviour, record that too. and get letter from docs. your doc will aslo have record of your visit.

my sol put in the letter to x that it is mroe dd's right to see her dad than it is for x to see dd, if that makes sense.

i have to go now sweetheart, don't react to his behaviour, he will just think he can control you even more, keep record of his texts/phone calls etc in contact diary. it is hard but you will get there ((((((((()))))))) speak soon xx

mrsmortenharket · 27/03/2009 11:18

bodgejob sorry xx

shelleylou · 27/03/2009 11:35

bodgejob, i could have wrote yout post about him putting it on you stopping contact. My xp went through a period of sending me texts saying that. Dispite me bending over backwards to continue contact. I left it up to him in the end, even though his behaviour towards ds was upsetting to me for ds's sake (ds too young to realise)
He werent exactly reliable let ds down at last minute a few times. Hes now seen ds for 7 weekends 2 of which were at mine and 2 hours on his 2nd birthday in just over a year.

Do keep a record of what contaact you have with your xp as mrsmortenharket suggested. I save all texts ex sends in a different folder on my phone and record them on the calender. But this is the occasional how is xxxx message.

Original poster
bodgejob · 27/03/2009 12:34

I am keeping a diary but it so draining. I feel so ill at mo with the stress. Just want whole thing to go away.

Had a sol through CAB but she rubbish so will have to get another. Should I take action now or wait for him to make contact first?

I just want the most peaceful route possible as i have 3 kids under 5 and that in itself
is tiring enough without all this crap.

Thanks for support from those who have posted. Family seem to be minimising everything and I get confused. Big hugs to all who are going through similar as it is truely awful x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 12:37

Remember that it is not stopping contact to insist on supervised contact because the NRP is or has been abusive. A hypothetical (ie not your XP by the sound of it) good father who is being denied contact due to false accusations of abuse by a wicked mother would bend over backwards to maintain contact and happily accept supervised contact only because it would mean contact, which is what a caring father would want.

MadamDeathstare · 27/03/2009 12:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostdad · 27/03/2009 12:54

Solidgoldbrass - `A hypothetical (ie not your XP by the sound of it) good father who is being denied contact due to false accusations of abuse'

Not happily - take it from me. My son was forced to see me in a contact centre he clearly hated it while I was asked things such as `Do you think it's appropriate you change his nappy - despite the fact I'd done it every day (and night!) since he was born.

I have never met a father in a contact centre who is happy to do so and I've met a great many. I did so because I had no choice. My ex expected me to give up.

She was wrong.

Original poster
bodgejob · 27/03/2009 12:56

Good point solidbrass. A good father would take any contact that is offered. Will go down the supervised contact route next. Family have offered to pay for good solicitor so that is good.

My solicitor seemed to think once a fortnight was too infrequent for contact What does eveyone think?

He has been getting twice a week contact but that has been too much for me. I have to travel half an hour to contact centre so wouldn't fancy it every week .

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 27/03/2009 13:08

bodgejob what did your ex do to your child?

Original poster
bodgejob · 27/03/2009 13:27

Elenor I was using bathroom, ds was waiting his turn desperate for toilet . Ex pushed ds out of the way by his head then banged bathroom door into his head . Basically he pushed ds out of the way so he could use toilet first . Ds then comes to me crying saying daddy pushed door into me he has red mark on his head. Ex shows no remorse whatsoever so I confront him and say wtf . So he then goes to ds who is upset in his room and says to him it was an accident and ds apologises to him

I kick ex out call him a bully. He now saying he and ds have a "physical" relationship and the whole thing was an accident. Then why not the appropriate reponse? ie saying sorry when it happened. It was not a bloody accident.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodgejob · 27/03/2009 13:28

sorry response! upset writing all this

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 13:59

Lostdad: what I mean is that a good NRP will accept supervised contact as it is contact whereas an abusive NRP who is demanding contact either to continue abusing the children or to continue abusing the RP (by intimidating and harassing her) will not turn up for supervised contact and/or will tell the RP that s/he(NRP) has a right to contact etc, etc and can't be stopped - but if the RP offers supervised contact and the NRP won't accept it then it's the NRP who looks like an arse and a bully.

MadamDeathstare · 28/03/2009 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bodgejob · 28/03/2009 22:06

He has always put his own needs before any of ours. I am just concerned about this agressive behaviour he is displaying with the dc .My eldest ds is a very loving sensitive boy and not overly boistrous and ex seems to want to throw him around and wrestle with him all the time . Exp finds it highly amusing whilst ds gets really angry and wound up with him . I don't agree with his behaviour as I feel it goes beyond the normal play fighting kind of thing .

Once when we were still together I came home to find ex lifting eldest ds up in the air by his head during one of his so called wrestling sessions. When I asked what he was doing he said his own father had done the same to him when he was young and seemed to think it perfectly ok. It is not is it ?

It is like ex is a jealous older sibling rather than a loving, guiding father .

OP posts:
N1 · 28/03/2009 23:32

Accepting contact in a contact center when contact used to work outside of a contact center is a step backwards and infuriating to any NRP.

Generally speaking, the child is to be made available for contact, there is nothing in law that tells the resident parent that they should tell (dictate) to the NRP about what they can do (and can't do) during contact time.

The ex can claim that you are unfairly withholding contact (there has been contact in the past) and the burden of proof lies with the resident parent to show that the NRP should not see the child.

Janos · 29/03/2009 00:24

It's not about what is right for the RP or the NRP. That is completely the wrong way to look at it.

It's what is right for the children and if they are being abused then their rights to be protected come first IMO.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 29/03/2009 09:28

My ex has not seen my kids since last June. He was always fucking about with times, quizzing the kids, slagging me off, claiming the kids are abused etc, but the final straw was when a visit ended with ex covered in water, and ds crying. F8Kwit ex was ranting that ds had hit his new gf (pregnant with his baby), Fckwit had responded by hitting him back, water was then thrown. Total lack of understanding on the Fckwits side, as to why ds may feel resentful to new gf (and whole situation), and how to deal with it.

Things have been much calmer since visits stopped. As for the withholding contact, that would never stand in court with an abusive ex. Take it as your decision I would say.

Original poster
bodgejob · 29/03/2009 09:37

That is the way I look at it too Janos . If my children cannot count on me to protect them then who can they rely on ? I am not going to stand back and watch my ex chip away at my childrens self esteem like he did to mine for years .

Yes it is a huge step backwards but ex is the one responsible for it . My dc have a right to contact with their father but not to be abused.

OP posts:
N1 · 29/03/2009 15:28

What is "worrying behavior"? (from the first post).

Janos · 29/03/2009 16:47

Where a child is abused or distressed the only - THE ONLY - thing that matters is the child being protected. Full stop. That's it.

Trust your instincts bodgejob.

I would suggest keeping a record of any incidents that worry you.

Keep posting here for support!

N1 · 29/03/2009 17:36

My son fell over and banged his arm while roller skating. He got upset. I picked him up, offered comfort and sent him skating again.....even though he didn't want to skate anymore. He was initially upset but got over it when he had to watch where he was skating and at the end of the time, he enjoyed the time. Should I stop seeing him because he got upset in my care? Falling over is not child abuse. To my ex, I should not have made my son go back skating and I am sure she would label me an abuser because I do things different to her. Her ultimate aim is to stop my son and I having a relationship. Now that she has to pay her own legal bills (some of), she is less determined.

Abused children need protection - I agree. Cutting contact might protect the child but it makes another problem. Solving one problem to make another is unhelpful.

georgimama · 29/03/2009 17:43

The OPO's son didn't fall over skating N1. He was deliberately pushed by his father. That was the "worrying behaviour."

Why don't you read the OP's post instead of assuming she is a harridan who wants to deny a perfect father his child?

I'm intrigued to know what problem you think stopping a child from seeing an abusive parent creates. I see no problem whatsoever.

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