Daughter does not want to see Dad, many issues. Now he's taking me to court. Please advise!!!

[SarahMac30]

Such a long story. Some of the background is here on this thread please read it.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/642398-5-yr-old-Daughter-won-39-t-see-or-speak

I don't know what to do now. Since I last posted she has become more afraid of seeing him and has decided that she does not want to see him under any circumstances. The last straw was him gouging her ears with cotton buds and hurting her. She had only gone there for tea so there was no reason for him to do this. Before then I had done my best to persuade her to see him as I thought it may all blow over and that he would see that he needed to address these issues. But now I have finally taken heed of what my dd says and have told her if she does not want to see him then she doesn't have to. Overnight she has returned to being a carefree and worry free child.
Today I got a court order from him. He is taking me to court to get access even though he has refused to address any of my concerns and my dd's issues. I offered mediation yet he refused.
I am baffled that he had gone so long refusing a defined order yet now he has applied for one himself just when she has decided she does not want to see him.
I am shattered by this. What do I do? What happens if the court is deceived by his charms and decides she must see him. Do I make her go kicking and screaming and not trusting him not to either hurt her or worse not to bring her back (as he has threatened in the past). Will the court listen to her? She is nearly 6, I really don't want her to be put through courts.
Sorry for such a ramble but I am at a loss as to how a man can be so cruel to a child and then try to be a hard done to father. I am so afraid that this will further disrupt her and he just does not care as long as he is the one in control. It's a big game to him with winners and losers and not at all about his child.
Please help if you can.

OMG....thank you for that Stewie and Piratecat. After reading your thread N1 I am incensed. You have no idea of the background to this case and have gone off on a tangent about nothing in particular. I came on here for genuine advice and support and that response causes more stress and worry.

N1 - from your response I am assuming you are male. Apologies if I am wrong in my assumption but you have not read and absorbed any of the information I gave in my previous posts.

There is nothing from the courts to force my dd to respond to the letters (of which there are still none) however I feel it is up to my dd to decide if she wants to respond and I will of course ask her if she wants to send a nice card back to Daddy. I am not an obstructive parent, quite the opposite.

I feel guilty that I have coaxed her into going to see him when is now quite apparent that there are problems to be addressed and his behavior towards her has been quite damaging. Do you really think I would have put my child in this position had I known for sure what was going on? She was seeing him because she though it pleased me more than anything else. THAT is not a way for a child to enjoy a healthy relationship with her Father.

N1, get the facts before you come on here and stand in judgement of a parent who is simply trying to do the best by her child in the most difficult circumstances. And scaremongering with comments such as psyche profiles and medical reports is really jumping the gun.

Luckily I am astute and stable enough to realise that you have no real idea of what you are talking about and that you obviously have issues of your own to deal with.

Enough said!!!

sarh, hiya, glad you saw mine and stewies posts. have a look at the moutains of completely unrelated shite he has put on my thread, about the letter. It wil make you go

anyway, you and I sound as tho we are going thru very similar. All power to us and our love for our children.xx

I am accepting of not adding a different perspective.

Thanks for the various pointers. I have read them and will see which I can apply.

Thanks both Piratecat and Stewiesmum. I have read some of the other posts now and realise I was right in assuming N1 is a bloke. I thought this was mums net(?) I think it rather sad and slightly disturbing that a guy comes on here to confuse women who may be feeling vunerable and concerned for their children by offering fake and conflicting advice. Please N1 check out Fathers4justice. They are more equipt to assist you with your own issues and I think your posts on here make rather uncomfortable reading. I am sorry if you are having a bad time but really I was hoping for some advice and support from other MUMs who are in a similar position.

Still no letters sent btw. (shock)

Sarah - that is a little offensive. There are lone parents who are fathers. Other fathers like me, have had their children ripped from them and are lone parents while their children are with them.

Surely you aren't suggesting that mothers of all kind (good and bad) are natural allies more so than good parents of either sex?

Surely this forum is about being a good parent rather than being female or male???

SarahMac - there's a few dads on here who offer a lot of very good advice from the male prospective, please don;t label them all as weird. I can;t imagine that a dadsnet would offer the same support that you can find on MN.

I hope you manager to get your situation sorted out son

Well I'm a mum but I read it the same was as Lostdad

'I thought this was mums net(?) I think it rather sad and slightly disturbing that a guy comes on here to confuse women who may be feeling vunerable and concerned for their children by offering fake and conflicting advice.'

Lostdad. I'm sorry if I offended you. I made an assumption based on the postings of N1 who is just nasty and obviously has an axe to grind. Of course both a Mum and Dad's opinions are valid on here and in actual fact can be more than helpful if intended as such. I don't think I made my point very well and the post was intended for N1. Please read his posts and you will see why I was so wound up with him.
Tweedle, yes you do have a good point and of couse Dads are not all odd. I have a brilliant one myself :-)
I feel awful I have offended anyone. It was not my intention and I didn't come on here to start a row....I have enough of that in my life without a cyber row too.
Many apologies. And lostdad, I really hope you can get your situation sorted out. Decent fathers are what all our children need.

No worries, Sarah.

Good parents need to stick together and give the bad ones a hard time!

Thanks Lostdad, I couldn't agree more.

My dd finally received a card from her Daddy today. She was really quite indifferent at first and then angry. He had drawn and coloured in in pink crayon a big heart on the envelope which I found rather OTT (although I said nothing). DD ignored this and discarded it. The first thing she said was 'well he didn't even bother to say sorry so I don't want to keep it'. I suggested to her that she write back. She told him he should say sorry and that he has hurt her, lied to her and made her sad. I was in two minds whether to send it and ran it by my sol who said I should. So...it's gone off in the post. She has now said that she doesn't want any more cards from him and that she will put them in the bin. I am hoping she will change her mind in the next 2 weeks and I hope he takes heed from her note and at least volunteers a 'sorry' in his next letter. At least he did choose a nice card for her with a puppy on the front, in any other circumstances she would have loved it so it kind of says it all that she didn't. I'm devestated that she has to go through this, it's just awful.

How awful for you Sarah. She will get through this.

Although my natural dad was never abusive to me, apparently he was to my mum (don't remember any of it) thats why she left him, he constantly let me down throughout my entire childhood and up to aboutht the age of 13 he was my hero and could do no wrong. Luckily I saw sense and realised wht an arse he was - know it must have been painful for my mum though.

In the last couple of years (now nearly 40) we started to get on better and had something resembling a relationship, but just on the last month he's let me down again.

I really hope the courts don't force your DD to see him and lostdad I hope things get resolved for you too

Thanks TweedleBeetle. That must have been really hard for you and it's exactly what I don't want my dd to feel. I guess so many kids go through this and can reflect back when they are adults. I knew that one day dd would make her own mind up about him and I wanted her to have the choice, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon

Kids are rescillient (?) and she will cope, you are her constant in her life as was my mum, I was (and am still) lucky enough to have a fab step dad.

OK....an update. It is all so stressful.

I am still waiting for Cafcass to come and talk to my DD. I wish they would get a move on. In the meantime every 2 weeks her mail arrives and causes tension and anxiety from her part. The last set of mail was an A4 letter, card and postcard with I miss you lots and lots. She has nightmares after she has received mail which is so distressing to see. I have tried to tell her that Daddy is just trying to keep in touch and it is his way of saying 'sorry' but it's just not enough for her. She has said that any more mail is to just go in the bin.

She turned 6 a couple of weeks ago and he sent a box of presents.....not 'a' present but a whole box full. I told her that a box of exciting looking pressies had arrived from her Daddy and she said that she would rather open them after her birthday as she didn't want to 'ruin her day' by being reminded of him. I was so shocked and saddened by this. In the end the gifts say there unwrapped for over a week until she decided to open them. Lovely bits and bobs yet she wants to give them all away......what the hell has he done to her that I don't know about????

I just wish that the courts would get on with it. I am at a loss as to what to say when the next letter comes. I am obliged to pass it onto her as I would appear difficult if I don't yet I know that she will be disturbed by it....not so much the content but being reminded of Daddy. I think the longer it goes on the less chance there will be of the bridges being rebuilt and their relationship being back on track. She is still so angry and upset with him and I cannot help feeling that there is something else she is not telling. I am loathe to ask her questions and push her...because I don't want to put ideas into her head and also because I want to wait for the experts to ask her. God I sound like such a rubbish mother.

Anyone else been through this? Anyone tell me what to do? I can't see her go through this for much longer. She is a little girl and should not have the stresses and strains of this on her shoulders.

Sarah, my eldest is 15 and refuses in the same way. I too wonder what he did to her to make her this way...... I asked her. She said nothing. But she saw alot of violence from him, so cafcass say leave her. No contact. Her siblings are starting to go the same way now too

Cafcass should see this and recommend no more.

hi sarah i havent been through this kind of situation,i do find it terribly sad that at the age of 6 years old your DD has such strong feelings of resent towards him!!!!, maybe there is an underlying issue that sh hasnt told you about????? if i read correctly ex dp has been told he cannot send her messages saying "daddy misses you" or anything along the lines of that so surely he is breaching the order?????

Hi there, I have just read your thread and really feel for you and your DD. I had regular contact with my dad after my parents split up, my mum maintained contact as we never told her we didn't want to go. I now have no contact at all with him have completely cut him out of my life.

I think your DD sounds amazing. Also, don't beat yourself up about sending her in the past, you thought you were doing the right thing!

I don't have any experience of CAFCASS, but sounds like they have a measure of him. Are you recording mail coming, what it says and what your DD says? By writing things he has been told not to (emotional blackmail), he is not doing himself any favours!

I hope this gets resolved. Perhaps you can send a factual letter to CAFCASS informing them that your dd is upset about the postcards and would they let you know if they can sort out the next appointment more quickly.

hello sarahmac I agree with cargirl and sammyk write to cafacss and explain the situation. It's keeping them informed and you're right to want it sorted sooner.
Hope you get a good response from them to come as early as they can.

AGGGGHHHHHHH! same scenario!!! Listen you go and see that solicitor, in the meantime it's no good friends / fsmily being willimg to make statements for you. I did all that - the court just says they are in the suporters camp and will say whatever you want them to say! I had statements coming out of my ears!

IME and O , if he drags you through this ( I spent £22,000 and re-mortgaged the house), it depends on his honour at the end of the day. XDP was more worried about winning against me than his DS hence tonights conversation where he said sod it, "You've won" cos DS didn't want to talk to him. Aged 8, But at 6 it was exactly the same thing.

Take advice from a solicitor but at particular stages you do not need a solicitor in court. !!

SarahMac30, would love to know if you have heard anything in the past couple of days. No, you are right, don't ask her questions, don't push it as you say> You will only be hauled over the coals at any future point for grilling DD. IME it all comes out anyway in dips and drabs, then keep a note.
S eriously with you. Be strong, xx

right, I have been through the courts with a nob ex.
I did as I should for fear of being accused of blocking HIS wishes.
With hindsight (now the dc old enough to decide them selves they dont want to see him, and they dont) I would have gone off my gut instinct, and listened to them.

I suggest you sit her down and ask her if she wants to recieve ANY contact from him - if she says she doesn't, listen to that.
No more gifts/letters anything. Just hide them away/send back.

No court will do anything to you, cafcass havent even visited yet.Once they do they will see for themselves why you are not prepared to make things easy for him EVER again.

So If I were you, I would be saying to dd 'from now on YOU come first' and fuck him and everyone else! HE doesn't give a shit so why should you.