5 yr old Daughter won't see or speak to her Dad. Advice needed please.

[SarahMac30]

Hello. I'm hoping I be able to get some words of advice. My 5 year old daughter is refusing to see her father or to speak to him by phone. Her reasons are a number of things that have been building up for a while. I have been divorced for 4 years now and over these years he will have periods where he doesn't call or visit (when he's too busy) and then will call every other day (when he's not busy) pressurising her or will call me and make unrealistic demands on her. It's one extreme to another. He also got caught out by her as a liar. She told me he kept using his phone while driving with her in the car and she was really worried by it. She spoke to him about it while I was there and he strongly denyed it accusing her of fibbing instead. She is not that kind of girl by any stretch of the imagination and was devestated by this. Most recently he didn't call for 4 weeks and missed a special occasion for her last week which is why she won't speak to him at the moment. I do ask her if she wants to call Daddy to tell him her achievements at school etc and she says no she needs more time. She has never been like this about him before. She has begun to realise in the last year that he's not perfect especially since the lying issue and she has heard his shout at me down the phone in the past. I don't know what to do about any of this. Should I make her go? I do always worry when he has her as I cannot trust him to drive responsibly, he also seems to just sit her in front of a DVD for 2 hours anyway. There is no contact order in place, he has always been able to see her when he likes, as long as it doesn't interfere with any activities she does (dance class etc). I would like defined contact so he has to stick to it, but as his days off change every week this is not always plausable and so far I have been relatively happy with this. He threatens court every time things don't go his way or gets his sol to write a letter (even thou he is apparently broke). I want to do the right thing for her and her only. Any advice or similar experiences please?

Hi,
I dont have advise for the being the parent side on this one, sorry. But I do on the being the kid. My parents split when I was not long been born. Ever since I can remember I have gone though stages of wanting to see him to really not being bothered, and even on a few occations refusing to have anyting to do with him. The main thing I can say is support her, she will eventually get over what ever she is going though right now. But it is really important that she has one parent that she can trust to talk it though with. If you explained her concerns to your ex, especially the part about him calling her the liar about the mobile phone, would he listen, understand, and try and make an effort or accuse you of blocking him from her?
From the advise I have been given in the past too, having a court order stating parenting arrangements may not change anything, as he doenst have to keep to them. It just gives you an official record that you can keep track of if you ever wanted to go back to court to reduce, or try to stop all together, his access to her.

Hello, I think at your daughters age she is old enough to make a decision about whether she wants to see her father. She should not feel pressured to see him or talk to him if she does not want to. I know they seem so young at 5 but it seems very clear by what you have written that your daughter knows her own mind and does not feel safe in her fathers care. you should leave the ball completely in her court. Maybe it would help if you sought some legal advice maybe that would give you a clearer picture and stop you from worrying so much about the threats. Most importantly if you do not feel comfortable with the time they spend together then something definately is not right. One final piece of advice is to try to arrange a set time every week where her dad phones and talks to her, even with the craziest schedule there must be 5 free minutes every week. if he can stick to that maybe it would gain some of her trust back.
I hope something in this helps.

Hello, you could be me and my dd. All the things you are experiencing have happened with us.

I really could have written your post. my dd is 6.5 now and at age 5.5 after being let down by her dad, issues with her step mum, she just stopped wanting to see him.

It has been a yr now, but very recently she has started seeing him again. You can cat me if you like. I would elaborate a bit more but am in hurry.

Thanks to all of you for your posts. They are all very helpful.

She did have tea with her Dad at the weekend, not under any pressure from me at all but he took her to her favourite soft play to start to rebuild some bridges with her.

I did speak to him on the phone before the arrangements were made and he asked to speak to her again. She flatly refused at first, which he heard over the phone and I had a frank and honest conversation with him about how she was feeling and explained to him that if he was in it he had to be in it for the long term and to attempt to take things at her pace. He still couldn't quite understand why she was upset and thought I had perhaps disencouraged her to see him, which was quite the opposite. I am not putting her under any pressure at all though and have told her that if she doesn't want to see him right now then that's really OK.

We were having a conversation this morning about her school Nativity on Tuesday and she volunteered (with some gentle persuasion) to call her Daddy to see if he wanted to come if he was not working. She called him and spoke to him. As it is he cannot come to her play, but at least she has started to communicate with him again.

She certainly does know her own mind and I know when she says she doesn't want to go she means it.

I think a part of me wants to make sure I am seen to do what I can to help her keep a good relationship with him. He is very good at manipulating a situation and I am sure if she finally broke all contact he would blame me and say I had 'poisoned her mind'. He has done that for himself in my opinion.

I will keep you all posted on progress. However I am nervous that come boxing day when he is supposed to have her, she will not want to go and it will cause massive friction from him. I of course would not make her go if she doesn;t want to. I guess we cross that bridge if we come to it.
I will keep you posted.
Thanks again, for the first time I feel like I am not on my own with this.

i would try a once only "seem to do right thing" and suggest you meet in park and you pop away for 30mins.and then collect her
i agree she needs to know her mum is supporting her choice and able to trust you as she cannot do that with dad. but a quick play with dad while you pop to get a paper then you take her home
if that doesnt make her want to see him more than dont worry. my ds is 4 and i am waiting for the day he realises dad is actually not that grand but also dont want to see him hurt its very difficult.
mine also left us early on and its been my cooperation and organisation that has kept visits going. we do anything for our little ones well fed up of that now we too have a life and its their turn i guess to copperate with us.

God I wish my OH ex could see this post. He has been off this weekend with stress due to his ex refusing conact as she is too busy. Well done to all you guys who are investing in you DCs futures.