Challenging the media stereotypes

[poshsinglemum]

Hi there,
Is anyone fed up with the way that the media portrays single parents and think that it affects the way you see yourself in relation to society as a whole? I am!
I'm only just beginning to feel really proud of myself for being single mum to my georgeous dd who is now 7 months old. I did feel ashamed that I wasn't married but then I just thought there is no such thing as the 'perfect' family and i should be proud that I am strong enough to take this path.
What really bugs me though is the way that the media churns out goverment statistics about how children from broken homes are more likely to suffer from dissafection blah de blah de bloody blah. I had to write to the Sunday times about a certain article in todays News Review that went on about depressed single mums coming home from work to struggle with the children and how this is further failing our children.
I mean- excuse me. I am not depressed thank you very much. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. It's like saying 'you are crap becasue you can't make your relationship work and your children will grow up to be crap too.' This article was written by a happily married woman but she is soooo judgemental.
How can we change this scapegoating and stereotyping set up by the media or is it impossible due to some patriarchal agenda? How can I ignore the media and other people's comments about single mums and 'broken' families? I feel very whole and fullfilled as a single mum myself.
Anyone care to join me in my rant/campaign?

As a parent raising two childen on my own, it really irritates me when some people make negative remarks about lone parents. So I have had an experience which is helping me to SMASH these negative remarks

About 2 months ago, I undertook a contract with Gingerbread/One parent families to teach lone parents how to raise their esteem and confidence, develop their CV, and for some help them to focus on a hobby they could turn into a business. Little did I know this will take an unpredicted turn!

The BBC came to do a short film for the organisation for a charity appeal called lifeline, to raise funds for the organisation. The producer filmed the participants, and then she interviewed me. She was quite moved as I explained to her that 5 years ago, I had to divorce my husband after a peiod of physical and emmotioanl abuse, at the same time I was made redundant, my house was about to be repossessed, I had too much debt to cope with, as well as facing the future being a single parent. Although it was a painful time, through my faith, supportive network of friends and families, I found strength and courage to turn everything around.

In the end I ended up on BBC1 sharing my story and how I am now more confident, run my own businesses, and coach lone parents to move on with their lives. my website wwww.gennythetrainer.co.uk

Since then I have been interviewed by various radio stations about my experiences of being a lone parent, the issues we face and how they can be dealt with. I feel like an ambassador for us for lone parents.

We are all unique and special. So no matter hoe hard life may seem at times, remember the best is yet to come! Enjoy everyday life!

My son and I are not broken. We certainly don't need fixing. Who says that one parent isn't as good as two? Why is everyone so desperate to put everyone in pairs (are they worried that the lone parents will take over the world?!?) I know loads of so called "normal" families and believe me they are pretty screwed up!

I am a single mum and I am so proud of it. I have a job, a great childminder, a wonderful supporting family and good friends. I would never go back to my ex (as he really wasn't a nice guy), but both of us are committed to our son. We messed up, but you know what - I will make sure my son won't be.

Just come back to this thread to see what's going on.

Genny I think that is absolutely fantastic. What a wonderful thing to do!

I'm sick of the sterotype "single mum, council house, no money, scrounger"
I am a single parent of two girls 14yrs & 8yrs, they are doing fab at school (GCSE A-C grades)I pay the whole of my rent myself and work as part time teacher. 5 years ago I worked at Mothercare part time while doing my degree through open university. When they went to bed I worked on my assignments.
I have just saved up enough money to buy a new used car outright, which meant no holiday this year.
I have no credit cards or loans, and if exhubby paid his child support (£75 a week) I wouldn't need working tax credits. But they don't put CSA are crap on the TV!

My kids are happy, loving, well mannered children.

So can we have another category please
"happily single working parent"

Well my children do come from a broken home, we were broken when we found out what exh did. At times my children are still broken, at times so am I. However, our home was not broken when I became a single parent, I became a single parent when our home was broken. It is a small but fundamental difference.

Being a lp means that I have the opportunity to help my children heal, a process that will not be done by the time they are adult. I am hoping that I can give them the tools they need to complete the process when they move away from me and on with their own lives.

My children are awesome in every way, the fact that they have been through so much and yet still trust, love, care is enough in itself but, more than that, they are kind, polite, hard working. They help me when my disability leaves me in agony. They never complain.

I object to the media stereotype, not for myself (I really don't care) but for my children. They should not have to grow up with a stigma they have not earned and most certainly do not deserve.

The media reporting of the Children's Society report makes my blood boil. As ever, they've picked out a few choice phrases to beat us with....

I run a website specialising in single parent holidays (www.SingleWithKids.co.uk) and have to say of the thousands of single parents - and children of single parents - I have met in the last year, few if any live up to the media stereotypes. Our members are all hard-working, hard-caring parents who, if anything, give their children more love to compensate for their circumstances. Our members are a true cross section of society - doctors, lawyers, lorry drivers, teachers, shop assistants, stay at home mums, child minders, accountants, even an OBE actress. NONE are the teenagers with 3 dysfunctional kids, popping out more kids to get a council house. In fact only 3% of lone parents are teenagers, the median age is 36, and of those who are teenagers, you can bet that many are warm, loving and capable parents and not the Vicky Pollards that they're portrayed as .

It's hard work raising a child alone but it's not impossible and it can be fun and very rewarding. Tell people they can't do it, that their children will become delinquents and depressives and chastise them rather than support them and it almost becomes a self fulfilling prophecy! My kids are happy, balanced and over achieving at school. Children need love, care and attention from their carers, whether that be one mum, one dad, grandparents or indeed other combinations.

I had an interview on GMTV on Monday saying pretty much the same and then a radio argument with a lady called Lynette Burrows - the sister of Victoria Gillock - and I simply cannot believe someone can hold such views in this day and age. If you're a single parent you should pretty much be tarred and feathered, if you're a working single parent ....well where are the stocks?? Unfortunately the media are unlikely to be ever on our side completely, but there are some champions out there - Denise Robertson and Fern Britton on This Morning really did fight our corner well.

We can either get very angry about these stereotypes or simply smile patronisingly at people who can be so blinkered and naive in their views and then we CONCENTRATE ON PROVING THEM WRONG!

Funny when the media tell us our kids are going to be no-hopers they don't mention Barack Obama or half the Royal family....

Chrissie x

Hi again all,

So glad to hear from you. I am definately going to check out the SingleWithKids website as would love to meet other people in my situation.

I am not waiyting for my ex to return any more. I was in the denial phase of grief for a long time but I feel that I have moved through my grief and found acceptance. At last I can be truly happy and enjoy my situation.

I am ashamed to say that I am on benefits atm as dd is only 7 months old and I really want to achieve a solid relationship with her before returning to work. I am practicing attachment parenting so it is very important to me to breastfeed and co-sleep. When she is about one, I will start preparing her so that I can hopefully go back to work in September. Everyone knows that it is best for the children if the mum stays home with the baby for the first year so I am grateful for benefits so taht I can do this. I do want to work in the future as I want to set a good example for dd and I enjoy my career. I was working as a teacher when I became pregnant and I do think that I was discriminated against as my managemnet knew I was going it alone. I am worried that I will be discriminated against in job interviews.
I could always see myself being a single mum tbh. I wasn't having much luck with men and in all honesty I wasn't enjoying my relationships. I wanted to be a mum and I was prepared to adopt in the future if I was still single at 40. I don't think that there is any shame in going alone.
I do get tired of the pity though. I get a lot of 'it must be dreadful for you.' No not really. I love it. One of my best mates had a baby at the same time as me but with a supportive partner and I think taht she is a little bit smug albiet totally sympathetic. I feel quite smug that I am going it alone as I am doing something that a lot of my partnered up friends could not cope with! I know so many who have had shotgun weddings after becoming pregnant. I don't want that for myself.i am still young and I am sure taht in the future I will meet a lovely man and if not- well it's not the end of the world!

btw- genny- i am truly inspired by your courageous tale. i might look into gingerbread.

I too am a recent single mum to my 10 mth old daughter and for the first time in my life after being in eduction and working i am claiming benefits as I too want to be with my daughter whilst she is so young. I feel so uncomfortable about claiming benefits and telling people about my change in circumstances but whilst it was the hardest decision to leave my ex i know without doubt i did the right thing and yes it is hard but not as hard as i thought it would be and i do like being by myself which i never thought i would. i would say the hardest thing is accepting i am a single mum on benefits and this is probably due to the percetion of single mums. we really do need some postive stories out there.

hi vic25,

it's important to remember that all sorts of people claim benefits - not just single mums.i feel a bit ashamed but also grateful that we live in a society where there is support like this.

I am 26-year-old mummy to Harrison (18-months). I count myself as a single parent because although Harrison's daddy and I got back together just before his first birthday, my partner does not live with us and we only see him twice a week. We cannot afford to live together but I get by working part-time and claiming some benefits. Fingers crossed 2009 will be the year we buy a home that we can live in as a family and I won't be claiming any longer :-)

Natasha- did I see you on tv recently?

If so, I followed your story with interest as it is quite similar to my own. I think easing my way back into work is the way foward rather than diving in full time. Being a new mum is a huge adjustment and being a single mum is another adjustment.

I believe that the media thinks that Middle England does not want to read/hear positive stories about anything, never mind LPs. I became a LP for the first time when I divorced my violent XH. Fixed - certainly not broken (any more). I extended my LP status when I chose to keep a baby whilst in a r/ship that was OK, but not for living together. I then had to stop work due to ill-health and was on benefit. At that point, had I been unlucky enough to attract media attention, I would have been pilloried as a right slapper/scrounger. I was neither, I was just a Mum doing her best and claiming my legal entitlement to benefit. I suppose I could have put the kids into care and starved to death in the gutter, but I descend into melodrama.
I have since remarried (happily) and have 2 more DCs to add to the brood. I don't believe that I have provided any different quality of parenting now, as compared to when I was a LP. It's just a hell of a lot easier with 2 to share the work (and fun).
FWIW - I think that the vast majority of LPs do a great job in difficult circumstances. It's really, really hard to be a scapegoat for everything bad that ever happens in a LP family

I think what gets me down is that it is so hard being a lone parent even without the added shame and pity that the media pile on us. Although I did kind of choose this path, emotionally it was very difficult. I was hurt and devastated by ex's decision to leave us. In fact - it is the emotional side rather than the practicle side that I find the hardest. It annoys me so much as surely the people who write this crap know how hard it is being a parent let alone a lone parent. Mabe they don't. Mabe these journos are single with no kids. Dealing with emotional devastation at the same time as looking after a child is very tough.

I also feel for teenage mums who are over the age of 16. As long as they WANT to have a baby and can do a good job I don't see why they should be scapegoats. I bet they don't know hard it is until reality hits them.

poshsinglemum - don't feel too bad about what the journos write. They write stuff that their editor wants written, whether they agree with it or not. The editors are in the pockets of the political parties. Have you noticed that some newspapers seem to favour one political party over another? Well, this is the reason. My DH has just looked over my shoulder and says I am being patronising. I say that I'm not, 'cos I guess you're probably quite young, and if no-one tells you this kind of stuff then you'll never know. If you know this already, and I AM being patronising, please say so and I apologise unreservedly.

I don't thin k that you are being patronising. I know what you mean. I think I get upset as part of me feels sad that I'm on my own and I am still grieving the 'perfect' family. I just wish that the public knew that single mums often grieve this way.

poshsinglemum - you sound so unhappy and I do feel for you. Please grieve for whatever you have lost, but don't mourn the "perfect family" as there really is no such thing. We all imagine this, and think that what might have been would have been "perfect". Life is not a game of perfect. It is a reality of being "good enough" - at life, love, parenting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc ad infinitum/nauseam. "Good enough" may not sound great when you are young, but it is a standard to aspire to for most experienced parents.

I'm not that unhappy unless I do aspire to an unattainable perfection. Honestly- I am thrilled to be a mum to dd. We have a lovely, loving home and I know that if I was with ex I would definately be unhappy.

We also laugh a lot. I don't spend my days crying into my cornflakes over ex. We get out and about and do lots of fun things.

I don't understand why anyone would think that a "Family" has to consist of a Mum a Dad and children.
I am on my own with my DC and we are most certainly a family. We live in a happy love filled home. When I was with my x there was an atmosphere in the house all of the time and no one was happy. The week I moved out the children almost breathed a sigh of releif to be away from the atmosphere. now they can be happy and relaxed and loved in their home, and also when they go to visit their Dad.
Rather than feeling like the family is broken, i feel like it is fixed becasue the bad atmosphere and pressure has gone and we are all soooo much happier.
I have started my own business from home and support myself and the children well. I work from home so I have all the time for them they need and dont see how I can be possibly bringing them up in a bad way at all.
Also I know a number of 2 parent families where the children are living with fighting and shouting, or where both parents are out of the house for long hours and the children are in childcare. Does this mean they have got a better upbringing just because they have 2 parents at home.

I agree with jealiebaby. Bettre to live free of a bad atmosphere. I think that families come in all shapes and sizes and the media need to get over that fact.