Challenging the media stereotypes

[poshsinglemum]

Hi there,
Is anyone fed up with the way that the media portrays single parents and think that it affects the way you see yourself in relation to society as a whole? I am!
I'm only just beginning to feel really proud of myself for being single mum to my georgeous dd who is now 7 months old. I did feel ashamed that I wasn't married but then I just thought there is no such thing as the 'perfect' family and i should be proud that I am strong enough to take this path.
What really bugs me though is the way that the media churns out goverment statistics about how children from broken homes are more likely to suffer from dissafection blah de blah de bloody blah. I had to write to the Sunday times about a certain article in todays News Review that went on about depressed single mums coming home from work to struggle with the children and how this is further failing our children.
I mean- excuse me. I am not depressed thank you very much. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. It's like saying 'you are crap becasue you can't make your relationship work and your children will grow up to be crap too.' This article was written by a happily married woman but she is soooo judgemental.
How can we change this scapegoating and stereotyping set up by the media or is it impossible due to some patriarchal agenda? How can I ignore the media and other people's comments about single mums and 'broken' families? I feel very whole and fullfilled as a single mum myself.
Anyone care to join me in my rant/campaign?

My ds and myself are a family thank you very much. We are not 'broken' or in need of help or living on benefits or all the single mother steretypes you care to name. My ds is perfectly well adjusted, knows that all his friends have daddies and he doesn't and is happy to tell people he hasn't got a dad (when they make comments or ask, which happens quite a lot). He also knows how much he is loved. If my ex had had his way then my ds wouldn't have made it out of the neonatal unit. I think that says it all .

I hate all sweeping statements, as I'm sure everyone else does.

Bella re:'womens economic independancce'
What's wrong with that. That comment starts with the premise that it shouldn't happen/is not the norm doesn't it.
Also just remembered the fact that one of the reasons marriage became so popular was so that men could 'legitamately' say that any child born from their 'wife' was theirs, and they could therefore control lineage and moneys and properties etc. All about money, power and control yet again.
I may also add I am a feminist and proud of it but I am not a man hater. I have a son and trying to teach him that the patriachal system is unfair but be proud to me a male.
(!)

Mamas12 - what kind of feminist would you say you are? It is a very broad church.

There are not many people (male or female) who would regard equality of men and women as a bad thing, but like most things it is all a case of intepretation.

What do you mean 'kind' of feminist?
What do you mean by a broad church?
I believe in the fair and equal treatment of people whatever sex, colour, size, religion.
How would you interpret that?

I meant do you subscribe to any particular school of thought within feminism? It's a - because it's certainly a philosophy that is wide ranging with many people who would identify as feminists disagreeing with others who also do.

I'd interpret what you've said on the side of equity feminism (e.g. people like Christina Hoff Sommers) as opposed to gender feminism.

Just wondered as talking to friends they all seem to have different ideas about what feminism is.

To be honest though as you've mentioned equality in sex, colour, size and religion you sound more like an equalitarian.

Just read through this thread and have to agree with PSM.

There was another news report today I heard in which it said the issue is not to do with being a single parent but the poverty that accompanies it.

In Scandanavian countries single parents are doing very well thankyou.

And I agree that it serves the misogynist and patriarchal society we live in to put single parents at the bottom of the heap and then bash them.

When the reality is that they should be lauded for doing a really difficult job in difficult circumstances.

Too many single parents and women of indpendent means threatens the status quo.

One of the reasons I got out of my marriage is that I felt the environment was highly unhealthy for my DCs. My exH was very controlling. It wore me down but ultimately I was just not having it.

And remember how deeply misogny runs in society - I was shocked to read that the Taliban bombs girls schools. People will say oh that's not here and of course we are much more advanced than such societies but its also a grave mistake to assume that true and deep 'girl power' exists other than in superficial media hype.

In fact the media really do hate women don't they?

Yes, there is this impression that Single parents have chosen to be alone. Not that the relationship had broken done etc, no, the assumption is that somehow you DELIBERATELY chose to get involved in a painful marriage/relationship because you are essentially a self-centered scrounging lay-about!

What makes me sick, is not just the misogynist attitude of men, but the scorn of other,often comfortably married women! Now, if you are happily married to a man that treats you well, i'm happy for you. Why do you think that just because you've met Mr Perfect and I haven't, that that makes you somehow better than me and gives you the right to look down your nose at me? Other women should be more understanding of the difficulties faced by SP.

Programs like Jeremy Kyle are awful, because they deliberately play on the negativities associated with single parents. They make SPs look terrible!

I find myself turning off the radio and the TV all the time because of the rubbish they think is okay broadcast about SPs. Frankly, they wouldn't take such liberties with other minority groups, because they would fight back!

so why don't we?

makes you wonder what gingerbread (is that the only pressure group for single parents) is doing about it?

I'll join you. I'm a single mum and certainly not depressed!

Certainly it's tiring and can be very hard going but that's not the same thing. Far happier now than I was in a relationship with XP and I actually LIKE being on my own.

One thing I would say though...Wouldn't offer my support to F4J. There are far more worthwhile organisations out there supporting single Dads.

"Women's new economic independence is contributing to family break-up"

Just pinhcing someone's quote there!

I'd say..awhat that means in practice is that women no longer have to stay in abusive/damaging relationships because they have no choice.

And hooray for that!

Oh and another thing.

"Broken families". Sheesh. What a load of nonsense!

Had to join in here. All I can say is that my dd has a fixed home now. Although I struggle with being a lp deep down I wouldn't change anything. Ex partner loved woman and still does so if we had stayed together it would in my mind be classed as a broken home. We would fight, he would disappear to one of his woman, if thats not broken I don't know what is. There should be more positive media about lp. My dd is at the top of her class, why, because she has more of my attention than some of her friends whose mothers have to split the time between the children and hubby. I have the time to spend with her talking about her day and going through all the emotional as well as academic things that have happened. Look at Barack Obama and how much he achieved. I wish the media would recognise its not how many parents you have but the quality of the parenting.

lostdad No I am not a fan of Christine Hoff Sommers I am more of an inclusive feminist, acknowledging differences and similarities and not putting one sex down over the other.

Mumdonegood I agree 'broken' is wrong wrong wrong! Where are all the positive stories in the media? Shall we write our own, come on anyone out ther male or female who was raised in a dual home environment (for want of a better description) please tell us your success stories and those of us who have done or is doing it now now tell us yours!

This is a call to arms. So I will start i suppose
Have been divorced for almost two years now and my children are (after some understandable confusion and upset because the two people they loved the most weren't 'together' anymore) are doing well at school, emotionally intelligent and funny.
They go from my house to their fathers house when they want to, they have a key to mine but not his(?) We are in walkable distance. Don't get me wrong it sounds good for the dcs but between him and me it's a whole other story. Anyway changed their one home environment which was toxic to a dual happy home environment was the best thing I could have done for my family. So there.

Knowing what I know about the media, I'd say it's not a conspiracy it's just a result that they are on the by and large, thick.

The media isn't about truth - it's about sales and ratings. People like simple stories - black and white - so that's what they get.

For every dole-sponging single mum' story there's an irresponsible deadbeat dad' one. There's an element of truth in both, but like everything else in life there are no absolutes.

What worries me is the line of thinking that does assume things are black and white. It's not a case of mums good, dads bad' or contact-blocking mums, devoted fathers' - there is a whole continuum.

And what worries me even more is the way children get lost in the `gender war' between mothers and fathers. We are the adults and our kids have a right to two loving parents and the right to the best childhood we can offer them.

People - men and women aren't perfect. I see lots of examples - again men and women who obviously hate their ex more than a love their children and that is very, very sad.

Poshsinglemum, I really agree, I used to feel a bit shabby and a bit of a failure being a single mum, but I'm completely over that now.

I do hate the way that single mothers are the recipients of all the blame for issues which are imo issues of POVERTY!!!

Hi again all,
I don't actually see marriage as a bad thing. I myself would love to be in a GOOD marriage. I would rather be a single mum than in a BAD marriage though. A good marriage is a wonderful, cherished thing and a stste that I do envy. I think that our society puts a lot of pressure on people to be married which may lead some people into getting married because it is the thing to do. I do believe in love as I love dd's dad enourmosuly. It was the most painful thing in the world when he dumped me when pregnant. However, even if he does return I do not think taht I would try to make the relationship work as he has been a bastard. Love isn't always enough.

state.

Now that we don't live in Jane Austin's era and need a man for money etc, I think that there is widespread panic among the sexes who are trying to discover what their new roles are. I think that men struggle with this especially. It certainly seems a lot harder to find the right person and settle down nowadays. I think taht a lot of people don't settle down as sex is so much more accessable. A lot of people probably think- why should I marry when I can get sex on a plate? Mabe this is the moral crisis that the media harp on about. Not that I though like that. I loved my ex when we made dd and i thought he loved me. Turns out I was probably just sex on a plate for him. Why should I be classed as feckless and immoral for daring to love? DD WAS very much wanted- by me that is. And that's all that counts in my eyes.

I think the only way to change people's opinions is to show them that the media's protrayal of single parents (and particularly mothers) is inaccurate.

I now make sure people know I am a single mother, especially when they start talking about the things they read in the media. You'd be surprised how many of them say my mum was a single parent, or my sister is, or my wife was when I met her...

And of those others their reaction is often 'well yes but I didn't mean you'.

'Single parent' often seems to mean teenage mothers on benefits. The reality is very different. Until we stand up and say 'hey I'm a single parent' and let others see that we are normal, hard working people trying to do the best by our children nothing will change.

I said the very same thing at the lone parent group I am a member of just last week.

So make sure people know you are a single parent. Stand up for you and your family. And be proud of being a loving, single parent doing the best you can for your children, however or why-ever you came to be a single parent.

Gilly

I've been a single mum since I found out my X was a two timing slime bag. That was when I was 5 months pregnant. Since then I have managed to raise a beautiful, happy, confident child and maintain a sort-of-friendship with the X. Despite the mess we made of our relationship, I find immense pleasure in being with someone who loves my child as much as I do. We make a good unit, albeit not a "trad" one. I have had people tell me that it is a statistical fact that children from single parent families achieve less, are more likely to suffer from depression in adulthood and all sorts of nonsense. I refuse to believe it. My child does not question for one minute how much he is loved and how committed myself and his father are to his happiness. It is this fact alone that will ensure he is as well adjusted as the next kid. Well done to all the single mums and dads. xxxx

New to this malarky. Am SP with DS of 4. XP turned out to be gay, not ideal, and we separated when DS was 18 months. I get on very well with XP, he sees DS regularly. My situation is not ideal. Could be better, but it could be much worse. What matters to both of us is we make it work. XP often stays over which DS just loves (daddy comes for a sleepover), the 3 of us will do things together, we try and have one meal together at the weekend etc...

But, it is me that does the lionshare of the parenting; the nursery drop off and pick up, the toilet training (thank god that is over and I have been released from pooey pant hell), the friends to play, the tantrums, bathtime, nit comb, meal times and bed times etc.. etc.. and I work full time. There are days when it is overwhelmingly hard, finacially and emotionally, but despite all the challenges our DS is a happy, intelligent, well balanced, delightful, funny, wonderful little boy.

We are not broken - a bit cracked perhaps but we still function very nicely, thank you. And I would far rather be like this than in a miserable relationship - then everyone would suffer far more, especially DS. Like Janos, I am far happier now than I was in the latter months with XP and I too LIKE being on my own (gasp....!).

I agree with PSM, SPs seem to be bundled under the same umberella - not all of us are as the media portrays us. Most of us are hard working wonderful parents doing a wonderful job bringing up wonderful children, and that is what should be shouted about and highlighted - what a bluddy good job we do. But that doesn't make headlines does it? Shocking and trashy sadly does. But how dare they imply that all children from SP families (or 'broken homes' as that conjures up a far more tragic image of desperation and failure)are more likely to have issues/problems/ blah blah blah yada yada yada. Not true. Quality of the parenting is what matters.

Despite the media stereotyping of SPs, never forget that we are doing a fantastic job of bringing up lovely kids. And that is what really matters.

Hurrah for us!

Oooooh could rant for ages, but need to go and get DS from nursery.....

HI Posh Single Mum. Im a posh single mum too. My ex a widow who I feell in love with and who made all the right noises such as wating to marry me and have a child together. i was 39 very solvent and despaprate for a child.
I felt id sold out as he was less than me in a lot of ways. But when i was 7 months preganat and saying well lets get married now rather than wait till our son is born. he announced that he was - in love with another woman - who he had been seeing all along!! Amazing as he was such a dog looks wise!!
My son is my who;elife and we have a great relationship. its just diferent than tow parents but ultimately i think single kids of single parents get a little bit spoilt. They have all our attention. its quite dificult to give a partner atention and your kids. Of course id love another child and a husband but nly as I have a fear of dying or getting scik and leaving him into a life of car homes. If it werent for that Id not have it any other way. The two parent myth is just that - myth.

I feel like a second class citizen as a single parent; people either look down on me or pity me. I am fed up of reading statistics about "broken homes" being responsible for all of society's ills.

It is usually smug married types who are the worst with the pity, but who knows what can happen within their marriages?

I made the wrong decision to get together with my Ex and it certainly wasn't a good idea to have a child with him, but now I have DS and I love him to bits. I find it very hard dealing with my Ex as he is just such a twunt but I do my best for DS.

As far as I am concerned I am doing my best for my DS. I left ex due to his unreasonable behaviour, and it was definitely the right thing to do.

I work hard to make a good home for DS hope that he will grow up to be a happy well adjusted child.

Being a single parent is hard without people judging you all the time!

Just a thought - to posh single mum - I hope your not waiting for him to come back. i struggled for years waiting for mine to come back. i assumed that he would be curious to see his son. My 0 our child is five now and in all that time he has never contacted us. i write every six months and tell him how he is doing and keep it all very upbeat. Its a constant source of pain but one Ive leanrt to live with. Theres been noone since and i think thats as it was such a shcok that a seemingly respectable man in his fifties could act in such an ugly way. Saying to me - well he was born out of wedlock - so I dont have to accept him - Here was the man I loved and he was coming out with all this ugly stuff. He told me in a lucid moment that it was al his new girlfreind. But I think what i loved was just a mirage. So i too get angry at attacks on single mothers - as if we wanted to be!!! We make the best and there are some things that actually are best!!