It hurts so much...early days of being single mum, missing dcs during 'contact' - advice on coping?

[KumquatMaye]

Feel totally numb and grieving when the kids are not around!!!! It hurts so bad and I wanted to know how others more experienced cope.

I have 2 dcs 7 and 1, and miss them both in different ways. Ex-h has them 5 nights per fortnight, which I tried to reduce (for many and complex reasons, but honestly yes also because I am in pain..) to 4, but he threatened court action. Although I am not afraid of going to court, the stress of that proposition is an awful prospect. During the times he has the children he is constantly trying to turn my son away from me so that he can get the extra time that he would like with the children.

Anyway I digress - just wanted to get some tips on not going completely and utterly mad whilst my lo's are away. I don't feel like a proper mum anymore

you will miss them. nothing is going to change that.

but lets be fair here. unless your ex is some vile abusive wanker im sure he misses HIS children just as much as you do when he doesn't see them.

you need to understand that fact. until you stop resenting him for the fact that you miss them you will cause yourself even more agony.

True. And whilst there are a million things I could say about his parenting, I have adopted a policy of not running him down. Basically he is trying to do a good job, I know that, and I know that he misses the children dreadfully. So being grown up and all mature about it for a bit, mamazon, I can swym.

But still, ouch, ouch ouch!!!!!!

It does hurt and for so many reasons it is very difficult to start with, but it will probably get easier. I tell myself well at least he wants to see them, so many dads don't.

It did get easier for me and I try not to interogate them as to what they have been doing at Dads. I sometimes plan things for when they are not here but usually I just crash out and do nothing, which I appreciate a bit more now, but I was lost to start with. Does get a bit lonely though sometimes.

I do try to see that them spending time with dad is a positive thing, for them anyway.

Yeah that is the thing, feeling lost. Their bedrooms are empty and although I know I am being irrational it just feels as though something terrible has happened that their rooms are empty at that time of night!! I know, I need to get a grip. I think your words are very wise, skramble. Thank you.

Hi KumquatMaye!

You have my sympathy, 5 nights per fortnight is a lot. It must feel as though you're almost a part-time/part-share mum. Whilst i'm sure that ex misses the children too, I do personally feel that children should have a resident home that they spend the majority of their time. When the time is shared between two people half and half - like yours almost is, I feel like the children don't have a set home. But that's just my personal opinion, others would say you were lucky to have so much time to yourself!

You could do several things: Firstly, why does Exh have them 5 days in a row? could you persuade him to stretch that time over the month instead, say every sat-sun or fri-sat or something? The time where you aren't seeing them will be reduced that way.

Secondly: You could try seeing it as a chance to rest up a little or pursue other hobbies or things. You would have to change your mental view of the situation to achieve this.

Thirdly: You could use that time to plan something really lovely for when your children return home. Bake, make them something really special, plan an outing, etc. If you get involved in doing something great for them, it might not hurt so bad. The antipation of their happiness will make you feel like the good mum you already are, and it will instantly dispel any negative attitudes towards you that exh has tried to implant in their minds. DON'T mention anything you have planned to exh, he will only try to up the ante when they're with him.

I understand how you feel. My ex has the childen three weekends in a month. I don't actually mind too much. But he also takes them for weeks at a time in the holidays and initially I feel like there's a black hole inside me. However, I allow myself to be selfish and I do the things I like that I can't do when they're around and I pamper myself

Remember, the best thing for your children is a mother with a healthy mind. Stress and sadness will sap your energy. You're a great mother, so don't worry when they're gone. They'll still love you! Nothing and no-one can replace a mother.

Hi 2kidz! That is really kind of you to reply to me in so much detail. Your comments are really helpful.

He doesn't have them 5 nites in a row, he has them every other weekend and on a wednesday in the week. It does feel like a lot, I never wanted to agree to it but my ex got me to sign a contact agreement before he would move out.

The whole thing hurts. My little one is only one yaer old...

It is hard. And I'm not sure it gets easier.

Can you find something to do that will keep you busy while the DC are with their father?

It is hard but it does get easier....eventually. I'm almost 10 years down the line. I think five nights is a lot, my dc go to their dad 2 nights a fortnight. In the early days I had friends I could phone and cry to. Then gradually started doing other things to occupy my time...the weekly shop, ironing, housework. Then started planning cinema or theatre trips or evenings out with friends. Now I do miss dc but I look forward to my free weekends. I catch up with friends, have leisurely baths & lie ins, go to the gym.

kumquat, my ex has my DD of 9 for exactly the same amount of time and the same pattern. When we separated nearly nearly 2 years ago, I was adamant that her time with him should be limited but now we have an arrangement which makes everyone happy, and most importantly our DD.I agree with everything that's been said here, you have to appreciate your ex's bond with his kids, never put him down in front of them and then, and I know it probably sounds impossible at the moment, learn how to enjoy your time without your kids. Actually for me it's been a bit of a godsend having time to myself.

I'm able to pursue a new relationship, see much more of friends and develop my interests. Yesterday, on a day my DD wasn't supposed to be with her dad, she asked if she could stay with him because she was missing him. My immediate reaction was to say no but then I reflected and said it was fine. He phoned and said thanks and she spoke to me to reassure me that it wasn't because she didn't love me to bits and she hoped I didn't mind. Under the circumstances, I feel we're doing the best for her and that's all that matters really.

You never get used to it.

I took my ex to court when she decided unilaterally when our son could see his dad (i.e. me). She deprived him of a father at the age of 3 months - permitting one hour per week and when it went to court he had no contact with his father for 1r4 weeks whatsoever.

After 2 years and 7 court appearance he's with me one night a fortnight.

How do I cope? I have no choice. I miss my son every single day. He's the first and last thing I think about. When I see kids his age I think about him, wondering if he is bigger or smaller. I wonder what words he says. I wonder what he is doing when the weather is nice. I wonder what he is doing when the weather is lousy. When I see an amazing scene (because I moved 300 miles across the country when my ex unilaterally did so with him) I think of him, picturing the look of wonderment on his face.

KumquatMaye - the bottom line is that if it's hard for you, but despite this they spend time with a father they love - you're a good mother. It's what good parents do - put their kids first - and that is what you are doing. Mamazon has it spot on.

You're doing what is right for your kids. I don't know your history, but if you and your ex are working together for their benefit, they are very fortunate indeed.

I share my children with my xdh. He is a shift worker and has just had them for the last three nights. I do miss them but I try and focus on whats best for them. He remained in the family home and we try and support each other.....

lostdad, did you move 300 miles to be near your son then? Why only 1 night a fortnight? Weren't you married? I feel for you so much and wish your ex could only appreciate how important it is for your son to have plenty of contact with his dad. How utterly selfish she sounds.

I don't mean to be difficult but I honestly don't understand why dad's are limited to such a short time a month if they were previously in a sharing relationship with the mum. I would be heartbroken if I could only see my children a couple of times a month as would my children...........

5 days in a row is alot, too much imo.

Mocca - we were married and moved here to be with my son.

As for five nights being too much' - it depends if you subscribe to the tender years doctrine' - the received wisdom that children need to be with the mother. To turn around the assumption would it be reasonable to say that five nights away from the child's father? I looked after my son as much as my ex did before he was taken and yet when he was forced to see me in a contact centre I was insulted to be told it was inappropriate for me to change his nappy. Imagine how that made me feel. There are good parents and bad parents. Nothing is black and white.

If the children are happy with the arrangement, if their parents work together well in their best interests (as it should be, regardless whether they are together or not) it demonstrates they are willing and able to put the kids ahead of their feelings...which is part of being a good parent - and from what she has said, the OP undoubtedly is as hard as it obviously is for her.

I agree lostdad, 5 nights isn't too much but maybe pc thinks that if they're in a row that's not great. I think the OP said that it was spaced out though which is fine. I don't like not being with my DD for more than 3 days, so we space things out.

I think it's wonderful that you moved to be near your son but I don't understand why you're only allowed one night's access. I though these days it was generally considered in the child's best interests to have 50/50 contact. Don't want to be nosey, but what's the reason?

Kumquat Poor you. I would miss my child too in your situation. My husband sees little of his 2 kids from 1st marriage, as their mum took them to live very far away from him. When he was without children (ie our child had yet to be born) he coped through being resigned to the situation and accepting it. He made use of his time away from his kids by playing sport and socialising with friends, he enjoyed gardening, lay ins at the weekend and spending more time at work. After 4 years of being a bachellor again he met me he definately wanted to be part of a family again even though that meant starting again with wife number two.

Divorce is just such an awful thing for all concerned. Maybe you need to use your free time by doing something that takes your mind off your kids. If I couldn't see my daughter every day I would do the following, spend more time at work (to get a better bonus), play more tennis, learn to play golf and sleep.

There's nothing about a presumption of 50/50 split in law! Some parenting charities and fathers groups argue that should be a starting point, but it depends on what is in the child's best interests.

What's the reason for it? lol! My ex made a few unfounded and unproven allegations of DV and physical abuse against my ds when she left, but nothing since then aside from a few vague `he's too young'-type comments.

I've only ever had directions hearings. I represent myself in court and think at some point in the near future so I can ask the question you do, mocca. I offer mediation every few months to try to stop the car crash that is court cases, but all are refused.

My son's contact with me is all about my ex feeling `comfortable' and nothing to do with his needs. I am at least as capable a parent as she is.

i have pressumed the 5 nights in a row, why i am not altogether sure.

very hard to to be objective when we each of us has a very very different story, exp, and the ex partners we 'work' with are all being good, bad, indifferent parents, on their own or jointly working with us.

If my dd realy did want to do the 5 nights over 2 weeks with dad, then i wuold encourage, and well, that in fact is all i ever did do. I prayed for it, for his love and interest.

I do totally sympathise with the op, at how very hurtful and hard it is to cope with them not being at home. It feels wrong . Op needed to vent, and be upset out loud. xx

Totally agree piratecat. Every situation is different and should be treated on it's own merit.

I emphathise with the OP because I know how it feels - it's normal to miss your kids!

my greatest grrrrrrrrr lostdad sorry to go off at a tangent is the constant moaning about how dd now doesn't seem interested but that's onlyof his own making. Does he actually feel that he is the hard done by one. Yes he does. That makes me feel sick tbh.

How awful Lostdad! Feeling really sad for you Don't know what to advise. I did hear a true life story about a father once, who was similarly prevented from access to his daughter. This father wrote a letter every week to his dd. In the letter he would explain the situation, how he had fought for access, what he felt, and how much he loved her. He would also include fatherly advice on friendships, growing pains, boyfriends etc. He would keep the original letter in a safe and send another copy to his dd, which was never given to her by the mother. Eventually when his dd grew up she came looking for her father with all sorts of accusations of neglect and other rubbish the mother had fed her for years. The father gave her the stack of letters he had written, which proved that he had never stopped thinking, caring and loving his dd. Perhaps you could try something similar, until one day hopefully things improve? Or keep a diary. Cold comfort, I know, but children do grow up and always have questions. You're a great father, and i'm just sorry that there are women who abuse their 'motherly rights' in this way!

I wanted to say thank you all - its so funny, I eventually got overcome with how crap last night was a pushed off to bed, wish I had hung around a little longer, I would have been cheered up!

LD, your situation sounds unbearably hard. To be called a 'not good enough parent' when you know it is unjust, well I can't imagine that their are many things that hurt that much. And even when you were trying, you didn't get much of a chance. Seems like you would have been very happy with the amount of contact that my ex has, yet he is saying it is still not enough - it makes me feel physically sick to think that maybe the courts will one day agree with him and make it 50/50 when all I did was to get out of a disastrous relationship. Oh the irony - the reason we split up was because he totally rejected our dd from the moment i was pregnant and I did the whole thing on my own - he never held her, never changed a nappy...eventually when she was 1 I caved and could take no more.

The situation seems to have forced him to get his act together, although he still tries to take ds without taking dd. During the first year I totally overbonded with her due to his neglect, so I am finding the time without her very very hard indeed.

However, I know (as a girlie myself!) that Daddy's love is so important. If he can get it together now, great. It will hurt me, but hurt her less in the long run. I tell myself everyday I ought to be getting back together with him so I can have the children back properly but I just can't love him any more. I could never imagine trusting or liking him again so it feels pretty hopeless. During our worst row when we were breaking up, I screamed at the top of my voice (in a pub!!) I WANT A MAN< NOT A BOY!

And that pretty much sums it up.
Want a man that can be a daddy and love the children equally, and know that you take your choices and responsibilties on the chin...

OK will stop ranting now. THanks all xxx
Have got DD back today btw, not ds he is having an extra nite as ex wanted alone time with him

hi, haven't read the thread yet (I will), just the OP.
My ex left nearly a year ago, and from the offset has had the children overnight twice a week (split - 1 mid-week and 1 weekend).
And for the first few, umm, months maybe, I cried lots (howled) after they left.
TBH not I quite look forward to it.
I think time it the only thing that helps.

Thanks Squirrels. That gives me hope