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Lone parents

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Original poster

'dh' left us, please help me explain it to our dc, I don't even understand it myself

35 replies

buickmackane · 23/01/2009 21:55

'DH' told me two days before my planned c-section that he'd been having an affair for 2 months, didn't love me anymore and was leaving me to live with her and her child. I've sort of been managing to hold it together but know I can't go on hiding it from my dc (4 and 7). How do I tell them? Just thinking about their reaction makes me cry, I know I need to be a strong mummy for them but it's so hard. I loved him so much, we'd been together for 10 years and I've just had our 3rd child 10 days ago. Please can anyone give me advice, I just want my dc to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 21:58

Please?

OP posts:
singyswife · 23/01/2009 21:58

Does he still want to be involved in your childrens life???? for you and at him.

If he still wants to be involved in their lives then just say that mummy and daddy need a break just now, dont go into new relationship just yet, but that mummy and daddy still love you all very much and are going to share you. So for you xxxx

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/01/2009 21:58

Oh my god! You have a 10 day old child, and a 4 year old and 7 year old and your husband just walked out?

Are you getting any RL support?

Tell you what I'd do. get him to explain it to your kids....

ChasingSquirrels · 23/01/2009 21:59

I only know how we did it.
I insisted that he was involved in telling them (well ds1 as ds2 was only just 2).
We were both there and just kept reiterating how much we both loved the dc's.
It is shit. But life gets better.

singyswife · 23/01/2009 22:00

Where are you??? Are you geting rl help-??

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:04

He still wants to be their dad, yes. I have rl support but it's such a mess. I'm a sahm so have this whole new world of benefits to learn about. Everytime I see him he messes with my head about whether he's breaking up with her, staying but platonically, now he's definitely back on with her and we're over. Just like that, and I get no say and no warning. He was very distant these last few months but dc3 wasn't planned and I knew he wasn't happy about it so just assumed once the baby was here he'd come round. He keeps badgering me that we need to be honest with the dc but how can I be when I'm such a mess emotionally? I want this to be as painless for them as possible but if I break down in front of them won't that really mess them up?

OP posts:
singyswife · 23/01/2009 22:06

Can you get someone else to tell them while you are there?? That way you dont get upset. OTOH if you did get upset then they would see that it wasnt a bad thing to be sad about it iyswim.

Oh good luck, I feel so for you. Where are you????????

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:07

I'm in Leeds

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ChasingSquirrels · 23/01/2009 22:08

When we told ds1 I was upset, ex was upset and ds1 (5 at the time) was upset. We were all crying. Both ds's have seen me upset since. They don't seem emotionally scared by it.

singyswife · 23/01/2009 22:09

Oh babe, you are too far away for me to give you real hugs but am sending virtual hugs to you.

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:12

Really CS? My 7 year old is such a sensitive little boy, it's him I'm worried about, the 4 year old won't really be bothered too much, I don't think. I've been pressuring myself that it should be sort of casual, somehow try to spin it as positive? He will be devestated but I think it's inevitable I suppose it's not how I tell him but how life goes on afterwards that matters? None of this seems real

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goodasgold · 23/01/2009 22:16

Oh my God.

I think the other posters have got to the crux of the matter, does he want to be involved? and do you have rl support? Is there anything I can do?

ChasingSquirrels · 23/01/2009 22:16

I think you are right about how life goes on afterwards.
Not crying might have been better, I don't know. I couldn't help it, neither could ex. ds1 was just devastated and picking up on our emotions.
It isn't quite a year later now, they go to ex's one weeknight and a 24hr period at the weekend.
They seem pretty well adjusted normal boys to me.
BUT we have been very civil to each other, neither is badmouthing the other (I hope!), ex sees a reasonable amount of them and hasn't just disappeared out of their lives, and they didn't see him that much before anyway - mostly weekends only.

wrongsideof40 · 23/01/2009 22:17

So sorry for your problems - can't help but send hugs ..... But I don't think you showing your emotions will harm your children - I think children are most upset and anxious when they know something is wrong but no one will tell them . xx

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:19

Lots of rl support thankfully. I never realised how popular I was, in fact! He does want to be involved and at the moment he's living with his parents 10 mins away so has been seeing them every day to take them to school giving me a lie in with new baby. I'm so scared of telling them and so scared of being a single mum it's such a daunting prospect.

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Ledodgy · 23/01/2009 22:19

Oh God you poor thing.I'm glad you have rl support but we're here also for whenever you want to talk.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/01/2009 22:24

i can remember telling our children
we both sat down with them and it was truly horrible
the important thing to stress is that it is not their fault and despite mummy and daddy no longer being able to live together that your love for them hasn't changed nor will it
it is important to let school know and also other valued adults in your dcs life as well who can be there for them if they need to talk
my eldest was a little older than your ds and he is sensitive too
he took the news terribly and still finds it hard to come to terms with tbh

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:28

I couldn't face having him with me for the birth. My dad came to take the dc to school and instead I asked him to be with me. H made it feel like a chore I had to go through, he'd been so cold these last few months and he went away at new year (told me it was work) and he was a different man when he came back - couldn't even look at me and slept on the sofa. I'm not an idiot, I knew something was going on so I sat him down and asked him. He didn't need to tell me everything though, did he? I was due to give birth in 2 days time and I spent the whole time in hospital crying and I should have been focused on my beautiful new baby boy. Even now people ring or text to ask after him and I don't want to tell them because it shouldn't be like this. I'll never have this magical time again and it's a nightmare instead. I've finally found my anger towards H and that feels better than misery and despair but when I try to think about moving on, telling my boys, taking control, it's just so over-whelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:29

It's going to be one of their earliest childhood memories, isn't it? How awful. I hate him for doing this to them/us.

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goodasgold · 23/01/2009 22:32

I'm pleased he is still seeing the children, and to take them to school. It will make it easier for them. Does he take an interest in the baby too? I think you could tell them on your own. That way you don't have to worry about him, and can just focus on your dc. Tell them sooner rather than later, don't make them ask you. Also this is not because of your third baby, don't let him make you feel that it was your fault for having the baby, and don't let your elder dc think this either. This is your husband's fault. You can pick up the pieces and make them into a wonderful new life.

mamas12 · 23/01/2009 22:37

oh buickmackane can you not get some support from your hv with this because you have just given birth are raging with chemicals beyond your control and having to deal with outside emotional trauma ASK her please. Also a good idea to let teachers and club leader etc. ask a friend to if you can't yourself or write a note. sending every best wish for you.

Original poster
buickmackane · 23/01/2009 22:38

Don't worry, goodasgold, I'm not blaming the baby (although I did at times during my pregnancy). Luckily there have been no bonding problems from either of us towards ds3 although I'm worried H and ds3 won't have a proper bond like the other two boys have with their Dad. There's another problem too while I'm here! I named him William when I was in hospital but when I came out H convinced me he should be called Ben. I still prefer William (it's my dad's name) but I'm worried changing it back could affect the bond (with H). I already feel a bit uneasy that H wasn't present for the birth but I just didn't want him there.

OP posts:
N1 · 24/01/2009 01:23

Call the child Ben-William. Double barrel it. Try to keep both you and him happy and as the child gets older, he can choose which barrel he wants to use.

N1 · 24/01/2009 01:26

As for explaining, there doesn't seem to be any rush. Give it a month or so, get the ex to agree to a month, let things settle from the birth, and all the changes that you experience during the first few days of having a baby.

Then think about what the children should know and how you plan on letting them know.

Prepare for some upset, it's likely to happen, but it's a learning process that the child is going to feel so get the moment over and done with.

tessofthedurbervilles · 24/01/2009 09:41

How can he sleep at night what an absolute swine I am having a hormonal rant for you....
My ex h left and never thought to tell me why which screwed my head up for a long time. You loved this man as you thought of him but try to think rationally...would you love and respect a man who does this? You deserve a lot lot better and the best thing you can do here is get yours and the kids life on track and manage without him. Let him and his partner get on with it - I could not be with a person who did that to another woman so good luck to them on the trust and honesty side of things.
Not sure what to say about telling the kids but make sure you keep your anger and upset away if you can - kids worry and think they are to blame so try as much as you can to shield them from this....good luck xxx

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