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27 replies

prettyfly1 · 03/04/2005 21:54

Hey guys.

Been mumsnetting for a while. Some of you may know from my other thread that i am pregnant with my first child and that the father is not with me. I went in to early labour on thursday night, which was stopped. The reason i need yu guys help is probably gonna sound funny to some of you. Being in a ward surrounded by couples and new babies for the first time i felt really alone and frightened. I want to feel connected to the baby i have fought to have and yet i feel so terrified. My whole world is about to change and i am for the first time really scared that i wont do it right. Scared that i will be a bad mum, or that in becoming a single mum i have let myself down. Scared that i will miss my freedom so much i will resent him. Scared that i will never trust anyone again. I feel so hurt and lonely at the moment. I dont have a birth partner and there were all these big extended families there and husbands being so excited. Just for one second i wanted that. Someone to hold my hand and tell me i would be ok. someone to share it with. Am i being weak? did any of you lot feel like this. I really just needed to get that off my chest. i feel really sad and lonely.

OP posts:
tammybear · 03/04/2005 22:02

hi prettyfly1. you are NOT weak. i think being a single mum is one of the most strongest things you can go through. you will be fine, because you will find you will want to do everything and anything for your baby. it is hard at first, but do you have family or friends who can help? if you speak to your HV, they can usually put you in the right direction to other mums/groups. sorry i dont really know much of your history, but you will be fine. we all manage it somehow. thinking of you ((hugs)) xxx

keziah · 03/04/2005 22:09

x x x you sound really lovely and your worries sound really normal. I'm sorry there won't be anyone with you, but the midwives are usually so great and supportive and you will have their help. You are really brave and i'm sure you will make a wonderful mum because you care so much. Tried to write this message several times to eradicate cheesiness , not sure i managed it!
good luck and loads of us will be with you in spirit!! love keziah x

Caligula · 03/04/2005 22:15

Oh Prettyfly, you are not weak at all. I went through this with my second child and I was absolutely terrified of going into labour on my own. But at the same time, I really couldn't think of anyone I wanted to be present. My mum, sister, best friend, all have very specific relationships with me, but really not birth partner stuff, as far as I was concerned.

In the end, I had to have an(other) elective caesarean, so didn't have the problem of labour, and my sister was with me for the op - very different from labour, I think.

After they'd all gone home and it was the next day and I saw other mother's visitors coming, yes I felt shit. When a proud father walked in with a camcorder, I cried for about an hour and a half. I'd deliberately ordered one of those private rooms (if you have a caesarean you get priority) to avoid stuff like that.

None of that changed the fact that what I was doing was right.

And also, bless them, the midwives were so overwhelmingly kind to me. Maybe it's just the hospital I went to, but perhaps if you're on your own they are extra nice. (They were certainly nicer than the ones I had with my first child, when xp was still around - but that was in a different hospital, so maybe they were just nicer anyway!)

I'm not trying to depress you, just to let you know that what you're feeling is absolutely normal and however many tears you cry in the hospital (and there probably will be a few) you will get through it. And you won't be a crap Mum - the very fact that you're thinking about it now shows how seriously you're already taking the job!

Best of luck to you.

prettyfly1 · 03/04/2005 23:13

thankyou guys. i really want to be good at it, i am just so scared and suddenly feel so overwhelmed and unsure of myself. I always felt like i was doing the right thing and for the first time i am thinking - have i been fair to my little boy. Did any of you feel mad at the father at that point. I have known from day one that he wouldnt be there, but suddenly now i am so mad at him for not being there for his little one. I dont understand how he can carrry on and just not care. I dont know how he could knwo that this baby was very nearly born five weeks early and not even check with the maternity unit that he was ok. I feel like a hypocrite. I have always known but now i am angry.

I am going to go to (provided little man doesnt come along tonight!!) to a bump and baby group - have any of you tried that? There is no gingerbread or anythign in my area.

OP posts:
rickman · 03/04/2005 23:20

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 · 03/04/2005 23:25

thank you for the suggestion. I did speak to a doula, however decided that 1. the fee was a little high for the situation and 2. i wasnt very comfortable with someone i didnt know. Thank you for trying to help and i am glad you are doing so well - you must be really strong to cope with 4!!!!!!!!!!

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nightowl · 03/04/2005 23:45

hiya prettyfly. ive been a single mother since my son was 18 months. (hes now nearly 8). i had a bf later on who left me when i was 3 months pg. he never wanted the baby anyway (i found out he had two lives really, he was more or less living with me and another pg woman) and i had to decide to carry on with the pg knowing i would be on my own. i would go to scans and see mothers with the happy father there and feel so angry that i was being deprived of this. same after the birth. it hit me hard. my first baby was prem and although his father was there, i never knew how it felt to have my baby in the cot next to me, or the congratulations and such..everyone was too scared as ds was in scbu. i was so determined that when i had my next child it would be perfect and yet again it wasnt. dd's birth wasnt what i wanted, i had another cs in the end. my mother was there during labour but i think i would have still kicked her out if id have reached the pushing stage! that was the plan anyway. i was expecting that having had a cs again i would be in my own room but i was put on the ward with everyone else. it did hurt to see all the fathers coming in with flowers and cuddling their newborns but in a way i was prepared for it. i just thought "well screw you ex" and remember this overwhelming feeling that in that room it was me and my daughter and we would be just fine. its taken me a long time to come to terms with it all. the last year ive felt like tearing my hair out. ive begged and pleaded with my ex to see his daughter, i stupidly thought after she was here and real that he would see her but he didnt. i kept asking people in the same situation when the hurt would go away and when would acceptance come? i dont suppose theres an answer but on dd's first birthday in January this year something clicked. i dont care anymore if her father ever sees her. i wouldnt stop him, but i actually dont want him to now. i feel like she is mine and i dont want to share. i still feel the anger though, but thats ok. i can deal with anger much better than hurt and im proud that weve gotten through the first year together. my family is my two kids and we're just fine as we are. we dont need anyone else. it must be so much harder for you as its your first. its no wonder you feel frightened, but take it from me, youll be just fine. you wont resent your baby, you wont be a bad mum. you'll get over the bad times and it will all be worth fact the bad times wont even matter further down the line. be proud that you are doing this xx

ps feel free to cat me if you'd like to chat more.

prettyfly1 · 03/04/2005 23:59

again thankyou. I feel a bit ashamed sometimes listening to how much some of you have been through - you must be so strong.

i am sure that after a good nights sleep when my hosue and everything else is sorted out i will start to feel better again - probably just the hormones and stress taking its toll on my thoughts and feelings a little bit. Ill get there - cheers for your support guys!!!!!!

OP posts:
nightowl · 04/04/2005 00:02

dont be ashamed for feeling crappy!! we all do sometimes

beansontoast · 04/04/2005 00:40

like the others said,i think your post makes you sound just like a mum already,and a good one at that

im really really bad at getting my feelings across in writing...always retyping and then just opting out...but i really wanted to share with you how terrified i was in the weeks before i had my baby...terrified,lonely 'what the !**k have i done?'feelings,that sound a bit like yours..

anyway,when crunch time came,i.e. at the hospital with labour was really starting,i could have been in the middle of Wembley stadium with thousands of people cheering me on or in a birthing pool with someone mopping my brow it wouldnt have made any difference...i was having this baby myself,just me ,the rest of the world just seemed to dissappear for hours!!

i think im trying to say something like 'youll be great,youre soo much stronger than you could ever imagine' xx

nightowl · 04/04/2005 01:01 post was seriously long and youve just said it all so much better than i did!!!!!

dropinthe · 04/04/2005 10:28

Oh, I'm so sorry-I never knew you were alone in you pregnancy when reading you on our other thread. You are going to make a fantastic mum-what area are you from? Do you have any relatives to support you? I never had a Dad and I can honestly say that until I had my own children I really didnt dwell on the fact-it just didnt matter to me-I'm not saying everyone is the same but as long as you shower that little one with as much love as you can he will grow into and independent and balanced young man!

saadia · 04/04/2005 10:51

I wish you all the best. I'm sure that when you see the little baby you will feel so happy and blessed and lucky and responsible for this little person that all the negative feelings will just melt away and other peoples' experiences will seem irrelevant.

The fact that you're so worried now shows that you will be a wonderful mother. If the father's not interested then, I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really is his loss.

prettyfly1 · 04/04/2005 12:16

hi guys,

thank you so much for all your support. I am scared and i think thats inevitable but i definately feel a bit bettter about things. I just hated the thought that my son would miss out because i had been selfish or something. I do have friends and family obviously but we are not close massively. They are trying and i hope that we start to get on better after the baby is born.

thank you again.x

OP posts:
DillyDally · 04/04/2005 12:30

I was single when I gave birth and had my little sister with me as birth partner - she attended the classes with me too
During labour my mum was also there...I needed the support and quite frankly the physical help too that they provided (emptying kidney dishes of sick - yuck but the nurses didnt care / help much)

I think you should try and get someone there with you and if you are in East london I would be delighted to visit you in hospital with a large bunch of grapes!

You sound strong enough to do this, all the best and take care.

Caligula · 04/04/2005 12:59

PrettyFly, as far as depriving your DS goes, what I think we all need to remember is that having a father at home isn't a guarantee of a happy childhood. Loads of people had really shit childhoods, and their fathers lived with them! If children feel unconditionally loved, secure and safe, they'll be happy, irrespective of whether they're brought up their Mum, Dad, Aunt, Grandmother or next door's pet Martian. Happy childhoods are made up of what feelings are engendered in children, not how many relatives they've got. Don't worry - you on your own have the ability to give your child a happy childhood. And I'm sure that's what you've got planned.

pupuce · 04/04/2005 14:28

prettyfly - FYI - doulas can cost you nothing.... some work for expenses only and as Rikman says they can apply to a hardship fund too.

Loochyloo · 04/04/2005 21:07

just to add my tuppence. Was in same situation as you, single mum from the word go. No parents or siblings, at birth had my father's ex partner (who has now become honorary granny, bless).
Really just wanted to say, your felings are normal and don't feel guilty for having them. Think everyone is scared at thought of becoming a mum, scared at not doing a "good job" and scared of resenting baby for changing their life so much. The first time I took my ds out in the pram I stopped about 10 yards from my house and made my friend push as i just COULD NOT do it, I couldn't belive this small thing was mine! I also spent a lot of the first month in tears, but it does get better. There is nothing in the world like that look even v small babies give you that shows they know you're their mum, and the first time they smile at you is amazing! I have to admit to being v proud of fact that baby would cry with others but (eventually!) settle down with me.
Hope not being too long winded just wanted to say it is tough and you're allowed to feel blue and angry and miserable, but there are some great times ahead too.

prettyfly1 · 04/04/2005 23:38

Hey guys,

thanks for the support. Not really anyone to be there so will have to get through. If the pain from the other night is anything to go by to be honest i wont notice for that long l.o.l. Caligula you are very correct - that is exactly how i plan to bring my son up - with total security and love. i may be all he has but i firmly intend to be all he needs, as scary as that prospect is. Went out today and got the last of the stuff i need so feeling a bit more prepared. Guess i kind of had to get the cold feet bit out of the way!!! Thanks once again to all of you for the support you have offered, i wish you could know how much it helps.

OP posts:
chloemummy · 08/04/2005 15:51

Hi Prettyfly1

As the others mumsnetters have said I think it is very normal to have such fears. I was totally on my own when I was pregnant. I worked until the day I dropped and then had a back labour where you get the contractions in your spine. I had not even packed a bag. I rang a woman i had spoken to on the phone through the NCT and she thought I was in labour and came round to take me to the hospital. I had a water birth and I now have a beautiful dd. It was tough initially, I went back to work when she was 5 months old but she is now 4 and I have no family to help me out at all. I am sure if I can do it you will be able to do it too. Big hug xx

prettyfly1 · 08/04/2005 16:03

hi chloe mummy,

i have been forced onto mat leave now. Not really well enough to go in. Glad to hear you are doing so well now though. i had another scare yesterday - now 3 cm dilated so looks like my little monster is on his way out. Did you find it hard to go back to work? What sort of childcare do you use? all of these things are so hard to know the answers to. Ay advise from those who have been there and done it would be great

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dropinthe · 08/04/2005 16:12

OMG-Good Luck Prettyfly1-I will be sending loving thoughts youre way and I hope it goes fine-remember if you feel low and lonely you have all us mners thinking about you-let us know when you are well enough how it went-do you know what you are going to call him???

dropinthe · 08/04/2005 16:12

OMG-Good Luck Prettyfly1-I will be sending loving thoughts youre way and I hope it goes fine-remember if you feel low and lonely you have all us mners thinking about you-let us know when you are well enough how it went-do you know what you are going to call him???

prettyfly1 · 08/04/2005 16:34

hi dropinthe

I am thinking of Ciaran Sean for his name. Yesterday when labour stalled for the third time i was thinking damien or son of satan, but i suspect that Ciaran will stick. Mnet has become my lifeline since i dicovered it!!!!!!

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feebie · 08/04/2005 17:14

Best of Luck Prettyfly - you will do great. I am a single mom (dd is now 3) and live 5,000 miles from family. Although two of my best friends offered to be with me at the birth I didn't want anyone there - I wanted it to be a private moment between me and my dd. I was glad her father didn't want to be there (although I did give him the choice) because we were by no means close by the time of her birth and his presence would have ruined the experience for me. The night she was born, there was me, a nurse and the midwife and it was just wonderful. The nurse and midwife were great... although they kept saying I should call someone to be with me (they may have thought I was a tad on the strange side when I insisted I was OK by myself). Anyway, once my dd was born and they handed her to me, we may as well have been on a desert island, just the two of us - I was oblivious to anything but herand having someone else around would have been an intrusion. Even now, she loves to hear the story of the night she was born when we became a very special family .. just the two of us.

Ciaran is a lovely name, you and he are going to do just fine!!

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