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Original poster

Is there something on internet explaining, reasoning with a mean/thick deadbeat why he should, morally, pay maintenance?

285 replies

LiffeyKidman · 16/01/2009 10:50

Just wondering?

My x is maggoty rich and doesn't contribute. He genuinely believes that he has no moral obligation to give me money towards the children because I left him, and therefore 'implicity undertook to pay for their upbringing'.

I can't argue or reason with that level of idiocy and denial, and I don't try anymore.

I am just wondering if there is anything on the internet, aimed at deadbeat fathers, to make them understand and face up to the fact that they are in the wrong not to contribute,,,

just wondering, because although for now I'm not persuing x for money, I will next year. (long story, legal issue).

OP posts:
mamas12 · 29/01/2009 22:46

xenia are you only 15 or something? You havn't got a clue have you. Nothing you have proposed here will actually work in real life.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 31/01/2009 11:40

I notice you haven't answered my post of Friday 10AM re emotional abuse N1

N1 · 31/01/2009 15:27

By HerBeatitudeLittleBella on Fri 23-Jan-09 22:10:00 "You see, it would be a kind of warped justice, but most emotionally healthy people would see it as emotional abuse. And they are right, because where children are concerned, truth and justice (which are subjective anyway) are suspended in the interests of children's welfare. We could all tell our children a whole lot of unpalatable truths about our exes, if we were like N1. But we wouldn't, because we put their emotional health before our hurt. It's called being an adult and being a good parent."

My apology. I probably did read the question but didn't remember to offer a reply (or an indication that I wouldn't be replying). Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

I didn't leave my ex, she left me. There is 10 years between us (she being the younger of us, she left me for a man 6 (or 8) years older than me. I am sure that he is older than I am, but I am not sure it it's 6 or8 years older than I am. Ex moved to be with him (from what I can figure) I remained where I was because I collected my son from child care (allowing ex to work and study). The old model/younger model theory is out the window.

I was working hard at the time of ex moving out. Ex moved again then caused chaos with all her moves and expected me to just "fit in" with what she wanted. To make matters worse, she started demanding £400 a month (which I refused). This £400 was "maintenance" though it was obvious that while I was looking after my son, he wasn't costing me that much. When I resisted, ex tried to get the CSA to worm money out me, so I got rid of the CSA. Case closed. Ex was back to demanding £400 a month, I refused and tried to establish how my son all of a sudden needed £400 from me when in the past, it wasn't nearly as much.... and I was more than willing to let my son live with me and scale my working hours right down to suit my son. That shut my ex up because she wanted to keep my son. Then the messing about with contact time started, late delivery, late collection, short notice delivery addresses changes to people I didn't know....etc. (my son knew the people which made the change overs more acceptable).

Then my son started telling me about the mew man intimidating him (and ex was allowing this). Then the intimidation changed to various versions of bullying (ex allowing this). My son was to young to be believed at the time, so I was powerless.

While I do accept that doing something to help my ex would be helpful, she won't spend any money she earned to try to ailinate me, she is more than happy to use money from me to ailinate me from my son. Call it emotional abuse if you like or anything else for that matter. I am not going to fund my ex to ailinate me from my son's life.

I can apply for residence but to be successful, I would need to show my ex up as a bad person (which I would want to do) but by doing that, ex might loose all her children and my son might loose 2 siblings (half). I don't want my son exposed to the corrupt version of the UK version of forced adoption (worsted case).

So I am stuck. I will not be paying to have my have a hard time seeing me.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 31/01/2009 16:28

I am talking about telling our children what we think about our exes.

Telling courts is a different thing.

N1 · 31/01/2009 17:58

I don't really talk about my ex to my son. I do answer questions that he has though. I try to answer as fairly and as honestly as possible.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 31/01/2009 19:39

Even if honesty involves talking about adult stuff which your son doesn't need to know, and is in fact, detrimental for him to know?

flubdub · 31/01/2009 19:41

I have only read a bit of this, but to put different spin on it, but my ex doesnt pay for his son and doesnt want to know him either.
My partner pays for his two children through the CSA. It leaves us with his £600 a month wage (after csa payments) to pay the £777 a month mortgage on our modest two bed semi, with a baby and a four year old. As you may guess, the house is being repossesed, HOWEVER the csa are being paid to the greediest, laziest, nastiest person on this planet (read my prev posts and you'll know .) FWIW my partner isnt allowed to see his children, as she wont let him because me and her used to be friends a while ago. HE STILL PAYS!! I wish we didnt have too, we wouldnt have to move and rent then, would we? But some things need to be done, whether you bloody well like it or not!

flubdub · 31/01/2009 19:47

N1 - Are you just jealous that she has more control over the situation than you?
Beause, too be honest, all the "argreement/ relationship/she terminated the agreement" talk is quite orrying, and sounds quite scary!
If shes that bad, why did you marry her?

flubdub · 31/01/2009 20:03

noonki - everything you said was spot on, and hasnt been better said!

N1 · 31/01/2009 21:25

When I and my ex married, I didn't know the diffrence between love and lust. The lust wore off with in a year of being marries and I fully accept that I got married way to quick.

N1 · 31/01/2009 21:30

I don't think I have said anything detrimental to my son. It's rare that I talk about my ex to him.

Judy1234 · 31/01/2009 22:15

There is always so much hurt on both sides.Thankfully children grow up and tend to be able to see which parent is righ and now they have MSN, web cams and all manner of means to be in touch with both parents it's harder for parents of clever children to keep contact to a minimum and then once the children are 13+ they tend to be able to decide who much time they spend where. Just as important is their years after 18 - the stage 3 of mine are at and planning for those years is wise too.

I still think a 50/50 split of time is a good starting point where both parents work full time and is fairer all round.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 31/01/2009 22:20

Oh FGS Xenia will you stop banging that 50/50 and all adults working full time drum.
No-one is interested. It is utterly irrelevant to this thread, as it is to most of the threads you manage to work it in to, come to think of it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 31/01/2009 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

N1 · 01/02/2009 00:00

At the time, I thought I knew what love was. After a few years, it was obvious that there was little love involved.

Setting ex free - I have no problem with and didn't have a problem with. What I did have a problem with was her dishonesty, then her lies, then her manipulation and her attempts to cut me out my son's life.

I will not pay money to someone who I know will use it against me.

glitterfairy · 01/02/2009 09:39

And so we go on N1. It was all her fault but you didnt love her and never really did. Excellent. I am amazed she looked elsewhere

glitterfairy · 01/02/2009 09:41

flubdub, that is a really brilliant attitude and shows a disinterest in the adults but a real interest in the kids you and your dh are to be admired. It is a real shame the price is your own financial stability though and I wonder if that is right.

AnarchyAunt · 01/02/2009 09:42

Maybe if you paid the maintainance your son deserves your ex would think more of you and stop trying so hard to fight you?

CarryOnUpTheLiffey · 01/02/2009 17:27

True AA

Like my x, n1 has cas himself in the role of enemy.

If he'd act like a decent human being, he'd still feel like family, in a sort of a way. I'd include him more, send cute photos of things he'd had to miss, tell him dc1's first tooth has fallen out, send photocopies of reports etc, tell him the funny things they say.

But I do none of this, and he misses it all, because he is determined to be my enemy or something like that.

He loses far more than I lose.

CarryOnUpTheLiffey · 01/02/2009 17:28

And I imagine N1's x feels the same as I do. Why include a bitter mad man in your lives? Just WHY????

N1, sort yourself out. You're missing out too much, and it makes little difference to your x. You're punishing yourself far more.

glitterfairy · 01/02/2009 17:33

Liffey, absolutely. Men like this blame their x for what is in their own power to change. then they end up unhappy, angry and miserable.

Pay up and shut up N1

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:13

at Glitterfairy

Straight to the point!

glitterfairy · 02/02/2009 22:28

Flub

flubdub · 04/02/2009 11:53

wheres N1?

CarryOnUpTheLiffey · 04/02/2009 11:58

Maybe he's boooking his first counselling session and then tarting up his cv?!

he's going to stop running, stop blaming adn start living!?

Imagine!

It'd be so nice to read that, but, hey, his life.

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