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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Long distance relationships and kids!

47 replies

ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 00:15

Soooo have started one it looks like - he is lovely understanding no pressure!
I have 2DC and the ex from hell - so ladies that have done the LDR thing before - what happens when he comes to see you, where does he stay, does he see the DC, at what stage did you introduce him to the DC, at whats stage did he stay with you ???
He is happy to stay in a hotel for now but it is a juggle with the DC though he is not complaining at all and seems happy to wait till I am ...just thinking ahead IYSWIM!

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skramblenotdieting · 09/01/2009 00:31

How far away does he stay?

My BF is an hour away, well it takes longer for him to get here as he doesn't drive.

Funnily enough DS was talking about missing his dad and wanting more time with his dad without his GF, and he is happy for me to have a BF and that he think it is easier as it is different as he doesn't live here, that was nice to here as it confirms that I and doing it right.

Any way, we started off just having lunch through the day, he would travel down on his days off and kids knew nothing about it. I then started staying over at his a couple of times, and a few times if I was working late where he stayed, kids still didn't know much.

The first time they met was for about 15mins while I drove him into the station, then a few more short sort of changover meetings where he wasn't about for long. Was a long time before he stayed at mine when the kids were here.

Now the kids have been up with me and stayed overnight at his and he comes down and stays here a few nights a fortnight. He has been away for a week holiday with us but looking back I think that was a bit too much and ended up very much BF tagging along on me and my kids holiday, this easter it will just be me and the kids, similarly at Christmas it was just us I thought it would be too much having the kids coming in on Christmas morning with him being there in my bed.

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ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 07:16

thank you that helps !
Anyone else??....have never done this before!

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ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 07:17

oh and he is far away - read opposite sides of the country and works even further away

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 09/01/2009 09:48

Thanks for starting this thread was considering doing one myself
I am in a LDR too my BF lives a good two hours away
We havent met each others dcs yet and this is the first serious relationship for both of us since our respective divorces.
I suppose its a case of the usual meeting the kids thing with the added thing of perhaps there being more need to do it in order for the relationship to progress what with the distance issues
I also have an arse of an exh who hasn't moved on
my eldest ds is also very anti mummy having a BF but i know that given time he would actually really like him
skramble your story is very encouraging thanks
so i guess ivechangedagain we will somehow have to give this one some thought!!
have you discussed things with your BF?is he a parent too?

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ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 10:19

thanks blonde am a regular to reassure but exes exOW has been known to lurk
NM has no kids but seems to have really wanted them/still does (yikes) ! And totally understands that my DC are my priority - he is just lovely
Is very early days yet - my divorce not through yet ! And ex would be shall we say less than pleased!
He is happy to stay in a hotel for now but it is hard and obviously I dont get to see as much of him as I would like!
But am not ready for him to meet DC yet or stay at mine ...though he is making noises about going on holiday with us in the summer .....
Keep me posted as to how you do
He lives far far away (about a 10 hour drive though he can do it quicker ...or a short plane ride) and works away 2 weeks of every 4 to complicate matters!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 09/01/2009 10:39

how awful having lurking exes on here too its hard enough having them lurking in RL
how far away is your decree absolut?
and wow a 10 hr drive away?
how did you both meet?
and that's good if your BF is into kids thou like you i too couldn't imagine having any more!!

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mocca · 09/01/2009 15:00

I've just ended an LDR with a man who lived 3 and a half hours away and we both have kids and it just got all too much. It wasn't just having kids that was the problem but it played a big part. I wouldn't do it again but I wish you the best of luck.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 09/01/2009 17:26

mocca can i be terribly nosey and ask why?

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ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 17:37

Well he doesnt have kids and is fairly flexible so am hoping that will help - am planning on enjoying for now and worry about the long term later (much later) - it would be much easier if he could stay at mine as he is happy with a bottle of wine and a DVD (and me of course) , but am nervous about introducing him to so kids early on, and how ex will react!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 09/01/2009 17:42

you and me both!!
would he be the first man that the dcs have met?
and why would ex be funny?
is it a case of one rule for him...
my ex will go mad but he would regardless of whether a BF lived LD or in same town
can your BF stay over when ex has the dcs?

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ivechangedagain · 09/01/2009 17:54

that would be lovely........if ex ever had the children!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 09/01/2009 18:03

oh that's sad that he's like that
think mine has an inkling that i may have bloke
just a thought
can he not come over but stay(!!)on sofa bed etc til dcs more accepting to the idea?
I also have a fear of my dcs becoming attached then it all going wrong
it's almost as thou i would have to make an extra effort to make it work for fear of the fall-out
i guess that i'm just being silly it's just one of those things that us single parents have to deal with
it's all so different once children are involved

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mocca · 10/01/2009 12:31

Sorry asbm, only just come back here. Where do I start! The long drives (exciting at first but bloody tiring after a while). Not being able to see him unless it was planned two weeks in advance. Dates consisting of entire weekends instead of just going out to dinner. The contact thing - I needed it more than him and it used to drive me mad when he didn't call/text. Despite him saying that he'd be able to relocate within a reasonable time (1-2 years)it eventually became clear that this might well not be an option for much longer than that because he feels responsible for his 18 year old son.

There were other issues as well, such as personality differences and some strange things from his past but I think these would have been easier to resolve if we'd been closer together. A huge disadvantage of an LDR is that when things come up, you can't get together at the drop of a hat to talk about them and the phone is not the best way to resolve serious issues. But I hope that doesn't put anybody off and it's just my take on it. And having said all this, my parents lived on opposite sides of the world when they met but my dad waited two years for my mum and they've been happily married for over 50 years!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 13:36

mocca
am sorry to hear that it didn't work out as you had obviously invested quite alot of emotional energy in the relationship
did you meet thru internet dating?
How did things work out/around the kids as presumably he saw his at w/es?
I had thought that the distance would work in my favour as it would allow me to carry on with all my usual mummy things as i couldn't/wouldn't want a man in my life 24/7
However i have recently started to wonder whether it can work probably as i'm terribly hormonal with pmt at the mo!!
and like your exBF mine too is not always the best at call/texting,i wouldnt want to be bombarded but sometimes a little more contact would be good but tbh i think to alot of men the mobile revolution has simply passed them by!!
and no you haven't put me off but i think that i will be having quite a serious talk with mine next time we meet

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ivechangedagain · 10/01/2009 13:53

am laughing at this and yes is fraught with difficulty - for now I am just gonna go with it and see where it leads - slightly different as he has no kids so can be quite flexible - he also works away 2 weeks a month !
But he is a contact freak lol - when he is away no mobile signal - but he emails me a few times a day and we chat just about every night on MSN - he rings if he can
When he is home - I get quite a few texts a day (up to 60 LOL) and we chat properly quite a lot - TBh he is probably more keen than me but he is a very old friend (>10 years ago) who found me on FB and seems had a huge crush on me then to which I was oblivious at the time He is lovely but I have my doubts as to how this LDR thing will work especially as my kids are very young ....for now am enjoying a man who flatters me, spoils me and genuinely seems to want to make me happy - the complete an utter opposite of my ex who treated me like shit for 10 years

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 14:20

Ah thats so lovely to read
yes my BF is the complete opp of my exh
he's only a few years older than him but so completely different not that peevish,spiteful immaturity
it actually feels like a proper 'grown up' relationship which i've found very comforting
as i was wary of becoming involved again
i am going to see where it all leads to
and try to ignore the comments of my well meaning gfs who are all married
and think that it will all end in tears
ivechanged
do you find that the lack of frequency in seeing him as helped you to keep a check on your emotions?
or are you head over heels?

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mocca · 10/01/2009 15:07

seroiuslyblond, yes we did meet through the internet. When he first contacted me, I thought no way, 200 miles is too far and then he grew on me....his boy lives with him most of the time so was always there when I was. Wouldn't have been a problem if he'd been a normal 18 year old and been out with his mates all the time but he was sort of glued to his dad and more often than not it would be the 3 of us stuck in front of the TV on Sat night.

My ex-H has my DD every other weekend so would get together with BF on my weekends off. He has met her though and spent a lot of time with her at Christmas and they got on great. He did say afterwards though that he hadn't realised what a big thing me having a 9 year-old daughter was (in terms of not being able to do things etc). Pissed me right off, considering his limpet-like son and given how considerate I was in that I never, ever complained that he was always there. Sorry, rant over. What sort of talk are you going to have - is it about frequency of contact and such things? Very important I think.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 15:30

you have every reason to be pissed off as i think that you were more than accomodating
and rant away
yes need to speak about frequency of contact i dont want/need it constantly but because of the distance i do sometimes worry a bit about whether he's ok etc and i don't think that he fully appreciates this as he's been on his own for a long time i think as far as he's concerned if he wasn't he'd let me know!!
i also feel that the time will have to come for him to meet my dcs soon
and with that theres this kind of almost obligation to try to make it work
i know that if i were seeing a man locally then the same thing would inevitablly have to be done but the LDR thing kind of forces it iyswim

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mocca · 10/01/2009 19:21

You've hit the nail on the head, an LDR forces issues that wouldn't arise until later if seeing someone locally. 200 miles is a long way to go if there's no end in sight with regards to where things are going, not a problem if you're only travelling half an hour. Had the same thing with contact, used to worry something had happened - hope you can work it out but am relived now to be free of wondering if he's OK.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 19:31

tbh im in two minds about walking away from it all today
but feel that i should at least give him the opportunity to sort himself out by listening to how i feel about it
if he were here now i would rant big time
and silly me thought i'd left all that behind in my marriage lol!
but the fact is he really isn't doing it to upset me he thinks all is fine between us and will be really shocked to find out otherwise
how did yours take it when it ended?

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ivechangedagain · 10/01/2009 20:15

I' m not ending mine for now
I think I will just take it very very slowly - contact here is not a problem - though I totally get the worry - had an email waiting saying he had a little accident (just bruising) but is ok - he works in a dangerous environment and wont get to talk to him on MSN till kids in bed
Am a little surprised by quite how worried I am though I guess thats a good thing!
Distances here are huge 600-700 miles though is a short flight but he prefers to drive for some reason ....
Am still unsure as to when I introduce him to Dc and when he could start to stay at mine - and of course it being such a long way this forces the issue much sooner that it ever would if he were local!!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 20:37

blimey he sounds exciting is he james bond
no i'm just mixed up at the mo
he'd be amazed if he knew as well as he thinks that things are just fine he's there i'm here etc
have you talked about when he can stay/meet them?
i know that the usual advice is for a first short meeting etc
but that's hardly relevent in our cases

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ivechangedagain · 10/01/2009 23:28

lol no not quite though close
and he is ok though think it was a bit more serious than he made out - and am quite pleased I was worried - was thinking maybe my feelings were not as strong as his ..but think maybe I was wrong

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 23:37

er hellooo
are you falling there ivechanged?

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ivechangedagain · 11/01/2009 00:12

hmm sliding lol
we have talked about the DC and meeting them - he is happy to wait till I am ready he really seems too perfect to be true
and now wants to take me away for my birthday - was bloody lucky if I even got a card from H

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