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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Argh just had a row with xp and he isn't going to do any extra childcare now

51 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:23

Which leaves me in shit street basically.

Going to have to ring my brother and see if he can help out.

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PurpleOne · 03/01/2009 15:28

have very unmnetty type hugs ((()))

Are you sure he didn't say it in the heat of the moment? Is it a control thing?
Take it easy IB x x

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:33

Thanks for the hug

It is a control thing yeah, he wants me to fail at this.

Not sure if he will change his mind or not, but tbh I don't trust him to not land me in the shit everytime he is a bad mood, and plus i'd really not have the dc spend anymore time with him than already do if at all possible.

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aGalChangedHerName · 03/01/2009 15:37

Is the Is it to cover when you are at work?

Would you be better with a CM or something?

You would probably get a fair bit of help from WFTC if you had reliable paid childcare.

Don't know if that's a possibility for you?

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Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 15:37

This is why he has done it - removed his help on extra childcare. To let you know he is in control.

Hope you do get the child care sorted and never have to need his help agian.

it will of course be his stupid loss at not seeing his own children - stupid twitytwaty, he then no doubt will say he doesn't see them that much- arse.

Hope you get it sorted without him.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:39

Unfortunatly a childminder isn't an option because I won't be doing the same shifts each week and if I was on an early they would need to have them fromk 6:20, and keep them until 9:30 if i was on a late.

My mum is going to do the lionshare of the childcare but as she also works shifts we are going to clash at some point and there are already 2 days where my mum can't help.

Once I start it might settle down a bit as I can request 2 shifts a week and so can my mum.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:41

If he calms down and changes his mind then unfortunatly I have no option but to let him have them as I am really stuck.

If it becomes a regular thing though then I will have to look for set hours in a different part of the hospital or something.

This is why I want them to let me start my nvq 2 asap so that if in 6mths the hours aren't working out at least I have the qualifications to apply for other jobs.

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aGalChangedHerName · 03/01/2009 15:42

Ah... Do you think he may decide to have the dc when you actually start work? Is he just into scaring you then doing the right thing later? Or will he really leave you in the lurch?

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Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 15:43

I take it you got the job?

Can you get a reliable babysitter? Do you know any mums who want extra money and would help out babysitting when you got stuck.

Are your dc at school, could you ask at school if there are any mums that would or could help out and be paid - occasional times ??

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:44

I don't know tbh. He likes to control me and does want me to fail at this and so I wouldn't put it past him to leave me in the lurch.

If he hasn't backed down by tommorow evening then I will have to ask my brother if can collect the dc from school on Tuesday, which I am sure he will as he'd do anything for them, but he shouldn't have to.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:45

I can't afford to pay someone who isn't registered though as i'd need to claim WTC towards any childcare.

Anyone registered won't mind on a casual basis anyway.

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solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 03/01/2009 15:46

I had this happen to one of my staff some years ago: her Xp would offer childcare then withdraw it at the last minute, purely to mess her about. I actually had to sack her in the end over it.

Is it worth chatting to local childminders/a nanny/babysitting service to find out about costs for ad-hoc childcare ie someone you can ring who will just go and deal with your DC? If you are working shifts and have a few days' notice of your shift patterns it might not be as expensive as if you have to ring them at short notice - but basically once a man has threatened to start dicking you around, you can't trust him not to therefore you have to remove him from the equation.

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aGalChangedHerName · 03/01/2009 15:48

Have you asked about ad-hoc care tho IB? I am a CM and i do ad-hoc for one of my ex families. They usually give me a couple of weeks notice and i can generally slot them in.

Might be worth asking?

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:50

Will try and find out about that aGal. I know a childminder who I can ask. She'd not be able to have them herself but she might know someone who can.

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aGalChangedHerName · 03/01/2009 15:54

Def worth a try. It would be nice to tell your ex that you don't need him eh?

Paid childcare (if you can get it) is a good option to have.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 15:57

Oh yeah, I ewish I didn't have to use him at all.

When he was ranting, I told him not to speak to me like that and he said he'd give me a fat lip if i spoke down to him again....charming way to behave in front of the dc, not.

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aGalChangedHerName · 03/01/2009 16:10

Hope you get something sorted out soon.

What a wanker saying that to you at all never mind in front of your dc. Why are some men such fuckwits

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Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 16:16

So stop letting him control you? he can only control you if you let him, sound silly but it is true.

Dont even ever ask for him to have the dc (in your mind have it clear he isn't there and will not have them)

Sort out and telephone numerous child minders and find one that will have your dc late or early and use them and get your shifts sorted.

get your NVQ and know that you can move away from shifts and into another department in 6 months.

take control of your own estiny and take it away from your ex

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 03/01/2009 16:17

tbh IB - you know he wants you to fail, can you arrange with your brother for the next few weeks to get the kids in the short term, and try to sort out a child minder (or after school club or something)

you know he doesn't like you moving on with your life and will do everything he can to hold you back - in all mannor of ways. don't let him get to you, and don't let him win by seeing that he's messed your plans up - tbh he'll prob throw a hissy fit and chuck his toys out of the pram every time you do something he doesn't like.

god I hate men like him (and my EX as well! lol)

honestly thou I never thought i'd be able to afford the child care etc and work but it's so far working out really really well.

is it possible for you/your mum to alwasy be on opposite shifts? - how about your dad?

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 16:26

After school club is no good because it the hours aren't what I need.

Originally the plan was to work opposite shifts to my mum, as we thought i'd be given a job on the same ward. However because of issues with hours and some other applicants they could only fit me in on the other maternity ward.

Now, my mums ward normally get their shifts before mine and so I should then be able to request some of my shifts around heres, but this won't always work obviously.

I know someone who works earlies and lates and she found 1 childminder in the whole area that was prepared to have her dd from 6:45 and thats fine for them as her hubby drops her there but i'd need someone to have them from 6:20 and to be on my doorstep.

I'm not going to let xp stop me from doing this job, it just looks like I might be loking for something else sooner than planned.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 16:28

My dad isn't really an option tbh. He works 2 days a week and hasn't really got the patience for my 3 for ny longer than an hour.

My brother will help out but he is a postman and normally sleeps in the afternoon so this couldn't be a permanent thing.

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 03/01/2009 16:37

hmm - how about (quite a random thing I know and would obv take some time to trust someone unless you mum knows of a lady actually in a similar situation on her wards but on different hours to her) how about if a third lady had your LO's and maybe you could have hers etc when not working sort of a tit for tat if that makes sence?

not sure of many CM's who would start at 6.20 tbh. do you have the room for an au pair or anything like that? - are they covered by CTC's still for you to get some of the funding back, or a live in nanny? - not sure how those work thou.

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 03/01/2009 16:38

faling all of those of course, would it be long before you could get transfered to your mums ward?

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 16:40

Haven't a clue about transferring to my mums ward. I suppose it would depend if someone left and they had an opening for a part timer.

Just mentioned the nvq to my mum and she thinks that they might not be running it again now until Sept which really isn't what I wanted to hear.

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IllegallyBrunette · 03/01/2009 16:43

As far as I know aupairs and nannies aren't covered by tax credits.

I don't think the other option you mentioned would work as alot of the staff there are full timers, or they are part time because of their own kids or grandkids.

Tis fast turning into a nightmare tbh but I ave no choice to just try and sort it out as best I can and start loking for something else if it proves to be really unworkable.

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ratbunny · 03/01/2009 16:44

I totally agree with everyones sentiment that you have to STOP letting him control you. Pretend he isnt there, dont EVER ask him to look after dc for work if you can help it. easier said than done, I know.
but once you remove the opportunity for him to mess with your plans, he is powerless over you.
Do you have any friends with dc that could take them early / late the odd time that you need it? If you can build up a small network of people - your brother, any other family, any friends - you wouldnt have to ask any of them THAT often when you cant get a childminder.
bloody ex's..

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