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Is it always going to be like this?

40 replies

stareye · 01/01/2009 23:27

Having made an effort to get out and about and see people over Christmas and New Year, its quite clear that everyone I know is in a couple, and I'm not.

All my friends seem to have doting husbands, lovely homes and comfortable lifestyles. I can't help comparing my situation - no partner, a track record of choosing the wrong men, rented accomodation and going to bed near tears many nights.

Is it always going to be like this?

OP posts:
maidenvoyage · 01/01/2009 23:47

I am in exactly the same situation as you and the only thing i can say is that you have people around you that care. I dont know if you have kids or not but they need you. I have been low many a times over the past couple of months and then I sat and thought about people that had died recently, lost thier jobs etc. I lost a very good job recently and am in rented accomodation ( could not even pay the landlord this month) and to my suprise he was so understanding to me that took such a weight of my shoulders you would not believe. I am going to make more of a effort to go out with friends etc and I am a firm believer in what will be will be. So you WILL meet someone along the way and YOU will be happy. In the meantime keep coming on this site it really will help you i promise (i have only been coming on recently and it has helped me). take care of yourself and if you want to chat then please feel free, hey we can compare notes lol x

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 01/01/2009 23:51

You me are me 5 years ago. I now have dd2 and DH and a job and DH owns his own house.

Things will change when the time is right.

stareye · 01/01/2009 23:51

I just feel that I want to go into hibernation, but can't because of my DD. Just dragging myself through routines day after day, but just feel so alone and isolated. I think perhaps visiting friends in couples is making things worse.

OP posts:
maidenvoyage · 02/01/2009 00:54

Things will get better, you could be in tesco one day and some fella will ask you for your number, it happened to me twice. Ok I did not fancy them but it just goes to show that you never know what is around the corner. You will be fine, leave morro behind and look forward to the next day xxx

stareye · 02/01/2009 00:56

Everything just feels so empty though. Feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everyone else enjoying themselves in couples.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 02/01/2009 01:08

All my friends are married. At weekends, when DS is with his Dad, they are busy doing family stuff and I don't have anything much to do. It can be hard. And lonely. BUT, I have begun to realise that although many of these couples seem to be very happy, some are actually really not. I'd rather be by myself than in an unhappy relationship.

I don't think comparing yourself to them is helpful, but I know it is hard to resist. Do you have any single friends?

SuperBunny · 02/01/2009 01:09

And no, I don't think it will always be like this.

alipiggie · 02/01/2009 01:12

I spent a lonely New Year's Eve with my two and with ds2 craving a playdate with a friend of his, to be told by this little boy's mum he didn't want playdates, only to discover an hour ago that another friend had been over there with her boy and they spent New Year's Eve there having fun. So I'm guessing that's one friend I've lost to the one I introduced her too. Great start to 2009. I'm sick of doing this all on my own, made doubly worse knowing Ex is in Hawaii with his new love. Should have been maudlin yesterday not today. Someone come and tell me to snap out of it please.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 02/01/2009 01:14

you know what - you'll be surprised how many of your friends would relish a day out on a Saturday shopping (even if it's only window shopping and picking up a pack of nappies while you're out ) instead at home with the kids and their DH's (not matter how good their relationship really is).

Well that's what I've found anyhow.

SuperBunny · 02/01/2009 01:39

Oh Ali

I do have 1 friend who I do weekend things with occasionally - but it's not the same as having someone there. Someone to do nothing with. I know my married friends say they are envious of me having time to myself... I guess the grass is always greener to some extent.

andaSOLOnewyear · 02/01/2009 02:02

I too am envious of all my loved up, coupled up, married, engaged, living with their partner friends.
I always seem to be the one on my own or just me with my two Dc's. It makes me feel like crap, so you are definitely not on your own.
I can't tell you it'll get better because in my personal experience it really hasn't, but we do keep going for our children and we have to hope that life will improve.
Try to keep positive. I'm saying this to you, but I've been feeling really despondent myself for a while now which feels very like it's turning to depression, but we mustn't give up. We can't. Our children need us.

Please keep posting here...I spend far too long on MN, but it is always here when no one else is IYSWIM. kind

IllegallyBrunette · 02/01/2009 09:53

It will get better. I'm not saying you will meet Mr Wonderful, but you will start to care less about it.

I am nearly 3 years down the line from my split, and being alone doesn't hurt any less but I cope with it slightly better.

I'd swap it all in a heartbeat, but as i am generally not a person who gets what she wishes for, I think i'll be waiting a long long time.

Alipiggie - I sat in nye on my own, kids in bed, only to discover at just gone midnight, that the noise I could hear in the distance was my friend having a new year party.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/01/2009 11:59

the majority of my friends are married but only a few are really happily married..
I would much rather manage on my own then be a part of a crap marriage which mine was..
If I had stayed married I would have been letting both myself and my dcs down

Flihgtattendant · 02/01/2009 12:06

Same fact we are supposed to be going out with another family this weekend and I don't want to go because I resent the fact they are married and I'm on my own.

It's not just that - it's the fact they ask me quite a lot of favours but I wouldn't ask them because they are always doing things together or for each other and I'd feel I was intruding.

it's the way they seem to assume I never have any plans (well, I don't, but still)
and that I am always hoping for them to give me extra jobs to do.

I've three men I fancy, one is only up for 'fun' as he puts it, one doesn't know I exist, and the last tells me he wants me but is actually not leaving his girlfriend so I think from that I can deduce he doesn't like me enough.

It is so crap isn't it?

stareye · 02/01/2009 12:28

Its just the empty feeling, as if you're just going through the motions day after day.

OP posts:
IllegallyBrunette · 02/01/2009 12:38

Oh I actively avoid couples to, I find it hell on earth tbh.

I haven't had so much of a hint of a bloke in my life since I split with xp. I am not a big headed person, but i did seriously expect to have had a bit of interest by now.

Oh and i had one bloke basically tell me he'd have me if I didn't have kids, which was nice

LittleBella · 02/01/2009 12:55

OK am going to be quite harsh now.

Yes it will always be like this as long as you have at the back of your mind, the assumption that you can only be happy and fulfilled as part of a couple. As long as you are not happy and confident in yourself, you'll always have a nagging doubt until you too are part of a couple.

There are 2 solutions:

  1. Get a man

2. Get the confidence to know that you as an individual have as valid and happy a life as those couples you know who appear to have everything you don't. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, for all you know some of them may be looking enviously at you and wishing they didn't have to put up with their husbands.

Option 2 is a longer and harder process, but oh so worth it. It also means that if option 1 ever happens, the man you get will be one who is worthy of you, because you won't accept any old shit.
ELOB · 02/01/2009 12:55

i kind off know how you feel. i ended our marriage & husband moved out in nov. fortunately i quite like my own company and do enjoy the new found free time i have to myself when my husband takes the little ones away. he has them for a long weekend alternate weeks (frid night til mon morning) and i really feel ive had a proper break. he also has them 1 night midweek and 2 consecutive midweek nights on the weeks he wont have them at the weekend. its early days for me yet and i know i will in time find boredom settling in but not quite yet. its true about couples more often than not being as happy as you think. remember almost half of all marriages end in divorce so you are not in a minority. many people (not those close to me) were shocked to hear we had split up as they had assumed we were very happy. the school and nursery teachers were shocked and some aquantances. we were in their eyes one of those happily married couples who also had a nice home and plenty money etc. until couples decide to split they usually try their best to make their marriage seem happy, after all, whats the point in staying together if they don't try. today, my house is clean, decorations are down and im all prepared for children going back to school next week. this is when i find myself at a bit of a loose end which is why im on the computer. i lost my mum recently and a baby and now my marriage, all in 1 year but its true that when you compare the other things you have lost or could have lost there is no comparison. id give anything to be in a marriage where BOTH partners were focused on the relationship and behaving in a way that demonstrated it mattered to them but sadly, my husbands behaviour proved differently. i dont regret my decision and i find there are things i hadn't accounted for in being split up but its a learning process. in time i plan to join courses or groups in subjects im interested in and then maybe i might meet someone. i do have 3 very young children so im not at all interested in finding someone yet, just want them settled and secure with change and to work on my close relationship with them. once ive rediscovered myself ill consider someone else. have to say though. im not keen on my children having to become part of an extended/step family which, given my age and therefor the age of anyone i meet, its bound to be the case that they also have children, possibly even much older than mine. if i did meet anyone without children id probably be asking yself why they dont. does this mean they dont like or want children. would they be accomodating to my children. so no matter what we may be feeling now, meeting someone else isn't necessarly an easy option either. i hope you feel better.

stareye · 02/01/2009 12:57

That was nice! You should have said you'd have him if he didn't have such an attitude! How did you respond?

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stareye · 02/01/2009 13:10

Its not the case that I'm looking to be part of a couple at all costs. Its just that feeling (well reality) that all of my friends are in couples, often with really doting husbands. And I keep thinking:"Where on earth did I go wrong?"

Yes, its nice to be on your own and find yourself for a while, but I did all of that before I got married - travelled, had different careers etc. I think I'm just at the age where I'd like to be settled!

OP posts:
LittleBella · 02/01/2009 13:18

Yes, but if you see being "settled" as being part of a couple, you're always going to feel a bit uncomfortable around couples.

I'm not blaming you or anything, I think in a society which sends us the very strong message that our families are incomplete and we ourselves are incomplete if we are not part of a couple, it is incredibly difficult to withstand those messages. But the only way you're ever going to be really genuinely happy while not being part of a couple, is if you really genuinely believe that being on your own is a good, fulfilling, nice way to live.

That of course is very difficult to do if you don't feel that the way you're living is good, fulfilling and nice. So I'm not underestimating the difficulties of this. I just think that if more people were happy being alone, when they did get together with other people, they'd have happier relationships. Because they'd have the confidence not to take shit, but to have the expectation of respect and love, and so that's what they'd get. Too many couples are in coupledom because they don't know how to live singly, not because they make each other happy.

Oh Gawd, am beginning to sound like MadameZ!

elastamum · 02/01/2009 13:19

I know just how you feel, all our friends were gobsmacked when my H left us and a number said well if it happened to you it could happen to anyone. I feel the same 'why me?' feeling. My friends have been great but none live nearby as we moved just before he left. It has been very hard for me to make friends where we now live as I dont get invites out from other mums apart from the odd coffee as I'm not part of a couple. I think a lot of mums avoid single parents in case it is catching

LittleBella · 02/01/2009 13:57

Couldn't agree more elstamum. I know there are women in my area with whom I would be friends, if I weren't a LP.

I think people still feel very challenged and uncomfortable by single people, particularly single women, past a certain age.

Flihgtattendant · 02/01/2009 13:59

I agree Elastamum.

Littlebella - I agree with some of what you are suggesting, ie it is healthy to be a whole person in ones own right - however it can be incredibly lonely however much you respect yourself as a human being, and also it is bloody sh*t having to do all the work.

I sometimes feel as though I disappearing into a vacuum in my own mind, because there is nobody else to just spin ideas off or make decisions with.

I don't know - I think it is a fairly natural human state to be with a partner, and pretending otherwise doesn't help!! there are good things about being single as well, or course. But not that many of them.

And of course we get by and are happy 'enough' day to day but it's hard work being happy with what you've got if you have been doing it for several years without respite.

LittleBella · 02/01/2009 14:07

I disagree that it's a natural human state to be with a partner, in primitive societies I don't think there would have been enough men to go round for this to be feasible, but I think it's natural to be part of a group and that's what is often lacking in people's daily lives. LP's are often isolated precisely because society is geared to nuclear families rather than groups or individuals.

Also, IME it gets easier the longer you do it. I often felt the same feelings of isolation, loneliness etc. in the early days but I very rarely feel that now, if ever. It may not be very cheering to hear right now for some of you, but the longer you do it, the more "normal" it gets and the easier the burden is. But I admit that is because I have re-programmed myself to expect absolutely sweet FA from anyone else.

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