Is it always going to be like this?

[stareye]

Having made an effort to get out and about and see people over Christmas and New Year, its quite clear that everyone I know is in a couple, and I'm not.

All my friends seem to have doting husbands, lovely homes and comfortable lifestyles. I can't help comparing my situation - no partner, a track record of choosing the wrong men, rented accomodation and going to bed near tears many nights.

Is it always going to be like this?

When it's new or your decision to become single, I think it is easier to deal with being on your own, but from experience, it is very lonely after years ~ literally years on your own. Night after night, kids in bed and you know that your friends are all tucked up in their family unit so wont want to pop round or sit chatting on the phone...it's not a pleasant place to be...

I seem to cut myself off from my group of married/engaged and living together friends. I find out that they've enjoyed meals together through conversation...'So an so came over and we had a take away...' are they really so insensitive to other peoples feelings? Why do they mention it in my company when they know they haven't included me? are they embarrassed that I'm on my own? All I know is that it is hurtful.

LittleBella, I disagree! I was on my own for almost 6 years and all that happened was I became more and more sad and lonely.

I apparently got a 'miserable cow' reputation at work because I felt so isolated and lonely that I could hardly raise a smile. I felt very bitter.

When I met Dd's dad, he said he thought I was miserable. After he had got to know me a bit, he said he had realised that I was just very sad. Shame he forgot that when he strarted his 4 year affair then

LittleBella, I agree.
Yes its hard being around couples when you are on your own, you feel as though you and your children are missing out.
Seriously you need to find your own happiness before you meet a man not depend on a relationship to make you happy.

A friend of mine says that your life should be like a cake with icing before you meet a man and the man is just the cherry on top.

Im 5 years post divorce and yes it is still hard doing the routine of everyday on your own.
I dont compare myself to other people now though either in a couple or single. Im just grateful for what I have. I make the most of and try to improve what I have. I have found some intrests and hobbies which keep my spirits up.
Im only 32 and make myself think that Im not going to spend my time looking for a relationship or think what others have because that wont make me happy or help me cope with my situation.

It is lonely at times but it does get easier, if I think back to say 2 years ago I used to cry about it and feel deperate all the time, now if I start to get a feeling like this we get our wellies on, get in the car and go for a big walk in the counrty side.
It is amazing what getting out of the house and some fresh air can make you see things from a more positive angle.
I know that might sound like a pile of sh*t but just try it next time your feeling down. It takes up part of your day the kids get some fresh air and you feel like you have accomlished something.

Oh and yes! I did become happy because of him, learned how to smile again, then I found proof that he was an arse, so feel totally let down and even more lonely, but with two kids instead of one!

stareye...
I was in your situation 16 yrs ago...I looked around at my life...single parent..council house...all my friends seemingly happy and content and settled....and I felt so sad...was this it...was this my lot...I couldn't see it changing.
I looked at ways i could be helped with child support...went back to college and trained to be a teacher...to fit in with my adorable dd....then went to an old school reunion...married somone I went to school with...learnt to drive...bought a house...big mortgage...longed for something more...adventure...had another baby with new husband...applied to emigrate to Australia...and I sit here today... in a sunny climate...our own swimming pool...very happy with my lot...and the friends who were all happily married...devorced and married again.
Such is life..you never know what is around the next corner...just know that it can change...if you want it to...
It is not forever...the situation you find yourself in now...just love your child...and strive for your dreams.
Hope this helps a little...

Solo - thankyou for what you said on the other thread before it got deleted! I wrote a reply but it had gone before I could post it. xx

No prob Flight! I seriously wouldn't worry about Ds. He is perfectly perfect!

We must arrange to meet soon!

Off out for a while with Dc's...they're going mad!

Thanks Have a nice walk!

Someone said earlier about going into a vacuum in their mind, because they didn't have someone to bounce things off. That's exactly how I feel.

I just don't feel that things will ever change. And I find myself getting jealous of my friends in couples, even though they've every single one of them has pulled me aside to tell me how so and so is having an affair/isn't happy/has threatened to leave etc. But they manage to put on a fairly good show in public!

Another way of learning to love singlehood is to spend a few minutes on the Relationships topic on MN and read about all the bullies, abusers, lazy parasites, cocklodgers and general dickheads. I know it's difficult to keep up a social life when DC are small, particularly if their father is useless in terms of looking after them when you want a night out. But I would definitely suggest looking for groups/clubs etc that involve doing something that interests you for its own sake, because that's a good way to get to mix with people who aren't all couples. I have always had a mix of single friends and paired-up friends, the status of each friend varying over the years, and I have found that keeping up with hobbies and gong to clubs and the like gives me plenty of adult company. I do spend more time home alone (apart from DS) than I used to pre-parenthood, but that's OK with me.
Mind you, I have never lived with a partner in a couple relationship. I don' know how much of that is down to my good luck though.

I was a lone parent for the first seven years of my son's life (now 11!) and now living with a partner, and pregnant, hopefully healthily.

I can identify with all the women posting here. I felt the emptiness and isolation keenly. I often wondered what was wrong or different about me. I felt that somehow I wasnt destined to be as happy as some of my friends. It was incredibly hard and lonely.

Looking back I wish I had known that it wouldnt always be that way. If only I had known that in a few years I would have a whole host of other problems to deal with, like the trapped, insecure, jealous or enraged feelings that sometimes go hand in hand with even happy relationships. I wouldn't change my partner (much!), but he is not the whole solution and life isn't suddenly problem-free.

I wish I had really been able to enjoy that time with my son - that precious time where we could just be together and everything was up to me. I look back on my single-parent time as such a blessed experience now! Little trips to Legoland on a whim, the dishes still in the sink and quiet nights in with a story and my son's sleepy head on my arm. Heaven! Oh if only I had known it at the time! Why did I fret so much?

Sending love to the lone-mums and a joyful reminder that you are blessed and that all is well! Dont miss out on the present like I did. Love it!

I ended my marriage as I couldn't carry on as a lone married parent which is what I was
sgsja has reminded us all of the other options available for all of us single parents
thou life is often a struggle and I often get bogged down with all the shit I am fortunate that I do have a strong support network through my friends thou I find sadly my family often lacking...
I do not regret anything thou I wish the pain caused to the dcs wasn't there but I'm trying my hardest to make a better life for all of us
And thanks to all of you who have said that it does get easier as i'm sure alot of us can take heart from this

Yes, thats exactly it aseriouslyblondemoment - I was a single parent within my marriage and am a single parent out of it. Friends are helpful, but family have no idea.

but at least we're happier stareye?!

I often go where you go and feel inadequate or incomplete for being a lone parent and it is hard when there are couples everywhere but I have to say I am starting to really ENJOY being a single mum.
I thought that other mums would look down their noses at me but that isn't the case at all. I have made some firm friends with couples and I'm starting to find it easier being around couples tbh.
Things that I enjoy about being alone;
Learning to be as independant as possible which in turn gives me confidence.
Learning to love myself for who I am without some dickhead partner (like my ex) critising me.
Not needing anyone to tell me how wonderful I am because I'm starting to believe it myself.
Not having to make compromises about dd's upbringing, house decor, where I live etc.
Freedom to explore interests.
Time to think about where I have gone wrong in my relationships an dhow I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.Being able to waer waht I want and eat what I want without attracting criticism.

Of course, there are many lovely things about being in a happy couple and I would love to experience that one day. So far I have been attracted to control freaks.

I think that society does place far too much emphasis on couples. Marriage is quite an old fashioned concept and how many men REALLY believe in equal partnerships?

I find it hard to place myself as a lone parent. I'm not in a couple so that dinner party scene will allude me (the thought of couple's dinner parties sounds vile anyway!) but I'm not a total singleton as I now have responsibilities. A very odd feeling.

Personally I was so fed up with men when I became a single parent that I was almost relieved to have a break from them for a while. DD was the perfect excuse- the dating scene is horrid.

Chin up single ladies- don't be sad. Think about waht you DO have. Our children. some couples never have children.