Please help! Can the father legally force me to put his name on the birth cert?

[loooouise]

Can anybody shed some light on this for me please? I'm 14 weeks pregnant and it's stressing me out.
I hear that fathers who are named on the birth cert now have equal rights, which is worrying me as he's proving unreliable.
And if he isn't on the birth cert, do I lose all hope of financial support?
Thanks.

Equally, Crazyloon, don't berate other posters for their opinion without knowing the full story.

Personally, I don't equate "proving unreliable" with anything like abuse so that is what I am basing my opinion on. Although I don't actually see what difference it makes. Abusive or not, he would be able to claim his PR without being ont he certificate.

My dd's birth certificate does not say "father unknown" on it. It just has dd's and my information. The other spaces have lines in them to show they are intentionally left blank.

DD is 10 yo and not upset by this in any way.

I'm sorry - fair enough, I overreacted as it is a personally sensitive thing for me.

However I was a bit taken aback that people seemed to be giving the a lot that someone got pregnant and then didn't want the father involved - as though this was unheard of, when in fact it is very common to not realise a partner is abusive until it is too late.

I was a bit concerned that OP might be feeling attacked is all...would rather assume she has valid reasons than not. If that makes sense.

Woah, didn't expect this much heated debate (or indeed vitriol..).
OK, the story is that we are old friends who slept together occasionally for comfort, I suppose. When I told him about the pregnancy in week 6, he agreed that we didn't have a future as partners together, but he wouldn't shirk his responsibilities. However, he has since backtracked, saying he "wasn't ready to be a father yet," and asked if I was prepared to go alone. I said yes. But he hasn't replied to an email I sent 10 days ago asking him politely if he would mind if I told mutual friends of ours he was the father. So, as you can see, I'm doing everything in my power to be reasonable.
His silence is my indicator that he is "unreliable", although maybe he is genuinely in shock. But you can see why I fear handing over "equal rights" to somebody who is proving this unsupportive in pregnancy, let alone shared parenthood. But maybe I am being too premature in my judgement.
Thanks for your kind replies.

thanks korma and I see what you are saying.

I don't think you did the that was someone else.

Thankful to hear that OP's ex is not abusive.

From what you say Louise, I don't know if he will even bother - responsibilty is something a lot of men would rather not have, if they are genuinely rather afraid of the pregnancy and so on. You might not need to worry.

it's probably going to be a positive thing if he shows enough interest to want his name on the birth certificate, given that he's not coming over as a controlling abuser from what you have put. tbh if he's going to be useless then he'll probably not have any interest in going on the birth cert anyway.

My father wasn't on my birth certificate - he had no interest in me whatsoever, and the birth cert issue has never caused any problems, as my mum got the short form one that just said name/place of birth. These days you do need the long form one for things like getting a first passport unfortunately.

I agree, she said he was unreliable. No mention of any abuse. I tend to comment on what has been said, rather than what hasn't been said otherwise it's a guessing game.

I think the birth certificate thing is a bit of a red herring. Like I said before, he can get PR without being on it, so not being on it won't prevent him from being involved in decisions like schooling and religion should he choose to.

Louise this is very similar to what happened to me. (shagged old drinking mate, got PG, no interest in a couple relationship). DS Dad did say, early on in the PG that he didn't feel ready for fatherhood etc, so I said, fine, whatever and we didn't speak for several months. Shortly before DS was born he phoned me, said he was sorry and did want to be involved. DS is now 4 and has a loving father who sees him at least twice a week, we (the adults) have an amicable co-parent relationship and it has all worked out fine.
I didn't name him on the birth certificate as at the time I wasn't sure where things were going, the only reason he isn't on there now is that we are both too disorganized to get round to amending it.
Basically my advice would be, don't rush anything either way. Enjoy your PG and see how the bloke shapes up once the baby is born (though he might not really be much use till the baby is big enough to say 'Dadda'). Best of luck.

I don't think you need to worry so much about this right now - the issue won't be pressing until after the baby is born, which leaves you several months to see how things are. And men often change when babies are born anyway. I imagine he is in shock, not just trying to piss you off.
Try to relax.

Hi,

You DONT have to put the fathers name on the certificate if you dont want too, and if he isnt with you, or doesnt give written permission, you cant add it anyway. Yes if he is named he will have equal PR .. that is equal resposibilities NOT rights

If he is not named the space will be left blank, it will NOT say 'father unknown'. Him not being named doesn't alter your right to claim through the CSA ans this does not give him PR He can later go through court to gain PR but think he would have to show commitmant to your child.

KORMA Its ok to bang on about fathers should be named, but if they dont want to, you cant do anything about it. Obviously they can later go through court to have the name added and/ or gain PR, but as a mother if the father refuses to play ball there is diddly you can do about it

Thanks stick, your story is very reassuring. I would like us to co-parent amicably tbh, but just a bit hurt by his crapness right now...What I don't want is to go through pregnancy and raising my child alone only to have him turn up in 10 years demanding schools, holidays, time over Christmas etc.
But maybe I should just try and focus on the here and now for a bit...

I think it's a little early to be calling him unreliable. This is a hell of a lot for both of you to get your heads around, it's life changing for both of you.

Dsd was unplanned by dh - his x stopped taking the pill without telling him. Their relationship hadn't been good and he was going to leave her, next thing he knew he was going to be a Dad. He says that at first he didn't want dsd, he was worried about how they would afford her (dsd's mum already had 2 children he was supporting), worried about her coming into an unstable relationship. But by the time she arrived he was excited, he was there when she was born and he cuddled her for the first half hour of her life. He loves every little bone in her body and I can see no difference between the way he is with her and our own, planned and much wanted dd.

It is really early days yet. Give him a chance to come to terms with what is going on in his own time, and don't make any decisions just yet.

I agree that you should try not to worry now - so much can happen between now and the time you give birth. As someone else has said, he has to physically be there in person to put his name down as father. And incidentally they do not put down father unknown if he isn't there, they just leave the box blank.

Can i point out a couple of things as i am a little concerned at some of the misinformation about pr on here?

Neither parent has rights, only the child has rights.

PR does not give the father the right to decide where a child goes to school, where the mother lives etc etc.

PR means that the primary care giver must consult everyone with PR on major decisions in a childs life including non emergency medical care and schooling.

A primary care giver cannot remove a child from the jurisdiction of the courts for longer than 28 days without the permission of any other adult with PR.

Day to day decisions rest with the primary care giver, ie pr cannot be used to determine daily diet, daily activities etc etc.

I agree with others that the father is probably in shock at the moment just as much as you are. An unplanned pregnancy especially when you are not in a relationship is a big thing to get your head around.
And look at it from his point of view, he probably feels powerless as his chice when to become a father has suddenly disintegrated. As has your choice when you would like to become a parent.
Give him a little time before you write him off as unreliable.

fair point, I was trying to summarise, not accurate was I

But it can and does cause probs when in the wrong hands.

sorry crazyloon, i sounded all abrupt and offish. I didn't mean it that way.

I agree that some abusive people can try to use it for the wrong reasons.

thats cool mate

Have a hobnob

Thanks Idrank, that's extremely informative. I should have read around the subject a bit before posting here I guess, but it's interesting/useful to read other people's experiences.
I think you're right: he probably is in shock. And the fact is, I chose to sleep with somebody without being in a relationship, so carried the risk of an unsupported pregnancy. Which, apart from the fatherhood dilemma, is actually working out rather nicely (friends and family INCREDIBLY supportive).
Thanks again for all your views.

Looouise exactly the same thing happened to me with ds2, his dad and i were friends, had a one night stand and i got pg, he went into shock for 9 months and told me he wasnt ready to be a father, once ds was here he changed his mind, he now has a lovely relationship with ds(2.4) although he is still a bit unreliable, and needs a lot of kicking up the jacksie from me on parenting, but we have an amicable relationship (kind of) and ds adores him

I think its very early days for you, what you need right now is to concentrate on yourself, get through your pg and then worry about xp afterwards, tell him if he wants to be in dc life he needs to be from the start, not 10 yrs down the line

It took a lot of persuasion from me to get ds daddy to come and meet him, he was 3 months old when they first met, but as soon as he clapped eyes on him i could tell he was overwhelmed by love and would be part of his life, hopefully your ex will be the same, in the mean time, just be kind to yourself and try to to worry about it to much

fwiw i let him put his name on ds BC, i think it made him feel more like he was actually his father, kind of confirmed things iykwim

Hi Louise,

Well I sympathise with your situation. I actually fell pregnant on holiday, and not by someone I went away with
Luckily we exchanged details before we flew home. A couple of weeks later when I found out I was pregnant you can imagine the shock, to put it mildly! I called the guy from the holiday and told him (lives other side of world!). At first he said he would support my decision whatever, but understandably was less supportive after he had a chance to think about it. We barely spoke during the pregnancy. It wasn't until DS was 3 weeks old that I phoned and told him he had a son. Was very surreal at the time! He immediately said he wanted to support him and has sent money every week voluntarily and in April we flew out so he could meet his son. Just wanted to give you a bit of hope-even things which seem to have disaster written all over them at the beginning can turn out good! And of course I wouldn't be without my DS Good luck! x