Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

My exh is an arsehole!

27 replies

greeneyedgirl · 15/12/2008 10:23

I hate him so much I feel like murder would be a good option at the mo. I wanted to give my daughter a birthday party for her 4th, unfortunately her birthday is on New Year's day, so had planned to do it the weekend after so that more people would come.

Ex has now decided that because it is his access weekend, he won't allow her to have this party and will be keeping her with him. I am so angry, I told him months ago of this plan and he said it was fine.

His says he doesn't have enough access, but actually I am more than fair, he is a teacher and I am quite happy for him to have her weeks at a time in the summer and 3/4 days over half terms, however, he usually doesn't bother as he has "stuff planned". I suffer from bad anxiety, more than likely caused by the way he treated me when we were married and the battles I have with him now. I have had enough of his manipulation and selfishness, how do others cope?

OP posts:
dsrplus8 · 15/12/2008 10:37

hi greeneyedgirl! dont let him get to you, remember he has access YOU have CUSTODY, hes already agreed to dds party so id tell him he is to tell dd why she cant have party, let him deal with her tears and then he will know its his dd he is being rotten to (not you).either that or dont let him have dd until after her party!

UnfortunatelyMe · 15/12/2008 10:43

Stop Stressing, do the party on your weekend and dont let him get to you.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 15/12/2008 11:17

Oh, I have told him he has to tell her, but he doesn't have the capacity to understand that it's her he's hurting, not me.

We have cancelled the party, as it is my turn for Christmas next year (she'll be with him this year, with one of his mates in a london flat, with no xmas dinner cos they're too stupid to know how to cook), we will do a christmas/birthday party for her 5th then.

I cannot rationalise with him because he can never see the other person's point of view. I have only just started standing up to him now. I am appalled that I ever married such an awful person.

OP posts:
oldraver · 15/12/2008 14:32

Is the access arranged formally, through a court or a private arrangment ?? If private I would be tempted to put my foot down and go ahead with the party, he has after all agreed in advance and sounds as tho he is basically being awkward

Have to say while you let him get away with manipulating you ...well he will

DarksomeNight · 15/12/2008 14:36

Can you have a little party for her with a lovely dinner when she comes back from his house?? Then she wont miss out totally.
I hope he realises who he is really hurting when he tells her, what a selfish git.

glitterfairy · 15/12/2008 14:47

I think you should say sod it and go ahead. This is not about him or his contact it is about her. Protect your daughter and give her a good time. he has agreed already and you need to stop him from making your life misery and hers by changing his mind all the time. Lay in some firm ground rules.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 15/12/2008 17:41

Thanks for the replies. We are having a second Christmas for her on Boxing Day (after I have collected her from London as there are no trains on the 26th and ex can't drive due to sight problems), so hopefully she'll get a nice dinner.

I could just go ahead with the party, but it will cause endless and annoying problems, so we are having a family party on New Year's Day as well. He has bombarded me with patronising texts today saying that he is not happy with access and that I am obviously too angry to discuss it, so he is going to write to me (I refused to give him my email address).

It makes me mad because I have bent over backwards to give him as much access as he wants, he is a teacher so gets lots of time off. This summer he went abroad for 2 weeks and spent the rest of the time with his friends, so he didn't see her for any prolonged period of time, which was his choice! The half terms he has her a max of 2 extra days, and now he has the gall to tell ME that his access isn't enough. Him having moved to London has also changed things as I live about 70 miles away, i pointed that out to him and he even finds a way to blame me for that. In fact he wanted me to either pay for dd's train fares, or drive her down to him (despite me not working due to stress at the mo), I told him where to go!

Despite being broke I am the one who has had buy all her Christmas presents (apart from about 4 he bought, he says he is too short of cash), I have wrapped them and I even have to label the stocking presents. I can't even begin to describe all the other things he has done and his attitude towards me because it would take all day. I have had enough of his crap and I refuse to be walked over any more.

OP posts:
dittany · 15/12/2008 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 15/12/2008 18:13

I know, I am feeling quite awful about sending her, but she wants to go now, so I am prepared to let her go. If it is a disaster I will know and it will NEVER happen again.

The only thing he can cook is pasta, so I would imagine they are having that, i have already tried to discuss it with him, but he just gets angry and tells me he will do his best and I have to trust him. But I don't.

I have always put DD first, I have stopped her from seeing ex h's Dad as he is a violent alcoholic, he has gone back to Spain, so not a problem this Christmas. Although that's partly the reason why ex h will be on his own, as his Mum is spending Christmas in Spain also. I would never allow any access that would be detrimental to DD.

Basically ex h blames me for everything, not getting back together, him buying his flat in my home town (for me apparently), which has almost bankrupted him, (hence him back in London staying with his Mum for the time being). He has weird mood changes and is either really nice to me, or shockingly awful. He took exception to my family and I taking DD to Florida in a week that coincided with his birthday , he said I had done it on purpose and even forwarded texts to me that his friends had sent to him, saying what a bitch I was. He said I "needed" to know what people thought of me.

I would be happy if DD never saw him again, but she loves him completely and I want them to have a good relationship for her sake. The tought of having to stay in contact with him forever fills me with dread.

OP posts:
cloudedchristmasglory · 15/12/2008 21:00

I understand you are very angry with exh and he does seem to want things on his terms. Not fair.

However I don't think pasta for Christmas dinner will be too upsetting for DD. At 4 she will have other things on her mind I guess!

It must be hard for you that she is going to be away with him this Christmas, but you can tell yourself that by encouraging their contact, you are doing your very best by her.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 15/12/2008 21:20

Thanks clouded, that is what I always tell myself, that it is for her. I can cope with her going away for christmas...just, but what I can't cope with is the crap he puts me through. The divorce came through last week and I am very relieved, all I want now is for him to leave me alone and stop going on at me.

I want minimum contact, only at handovers etc, he seems to want to twist things for some reason and I hate it. Our marriage already drained most of the life out of me and I want to be able to rebuild my self esteem, confidence and beat my anxiety. I want peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 18/12/2008 19:13

Just found out that not only did bastard ex make me cancel dd's birthday party, he has arranged for her to have a party on that weekend at his flat in London. He only decided this to piss me off, he is using dd against me and I hate him for it.

Why do these "fathers" have to be so bloody selfish and unkind???

OP posts:
UnfortunatelyMe · 18/12/2008 19:19

I think you need to start looking at this from another point of view.
The original party you planned was on HIS weekend. And you wanted him to not see her so you could have a party? Thats not really fair on him.
He has now gone to the hassle of arranging a party himself, you should be pleased. Not pissed off.
Your dd will have 2 partys.
Lucky girl

MincePirateCat · 18/12/2008 19:23

cos they are silly little boys.

i know what you feel and where yuo are coming from believe me.

dittany · 18/12/2008 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 18/12/2008 20:01

Unfortunatelyme, sdd will not get 2 parties as the one I was planning was for her friends, she will not get anything with her friends now. Can't have a proper party on her bday as it's on New Year's day, people wouldn't come. And yes, it was on his weekend, but A) I asked him in Nov and he agreed and B) he would have attended too and would have had her before and after anyway.

Considering a year after we split he fucked off on an all inclusive holiday to Cuba for 3 weeks in the summer, hardly seeing dd at all, stopped my maintenance payments because he found out I was dating (I stupidly gave ex the boyfriend's no accidentally by calling from his house and he left an abusive message about me on his answer machine). He coerced me into paying him £500 because I was 'better off' than him (I was working PT and living with parents, he was/is a teacher, with his own flat). Hardly saw her this summer and in half terms has her approx 1.5 days extra because he has "other things planned". Has forwarded me texts from his friends saying what a horrible person I am, because apparently I "need to know".

So forgive me if I do not think he is doing this out of the goodness of his heart. He is a fuckwit.

OP posts:
UnfortunatelyMe · 18/12/2008 20:09

Why cant she have a party with dad and co and a party with you and her friends?

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 18/12/2008 23:10

It doesn't matter, I guess you'd have to know him to understand the situation. Me ranting and raving on here isn't going to make things any better.

OP posts:
UnfortunatelyMe · 18/12/2008 23:29

My x is an arsehole too.
So I try not to let him get to me, even though he hasnt paid for the kids since the summer, even though sometimes he is an hour late, he didnt turn up on Tuesday he INSISTED he had, the kids were sitting waiting for him, he DID NOT knock on the door or any of the things he said he did...Anyway....Because hes an arsehole I arrange things in MY time with the kids, so he cant effect it?
And if he wants to do the same, well he can too, it just means my girls get double.
He will NEVER appreciate your generous sharing of your dd over the summer etc. EVER. Dont expect him to.
Try and step away from the rage

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 19/12/2008 09:02

I am trying. I am suffering from acute anxiety at the moment which is preventing me from working. It has alot to do with him and the way I was treated by him (emotionally that is) when we were together, I didn't deal with it at the time and it's all come back to haunt me.

As soon as I get a text from him, I feel ill, doesn't even matter what it is about. I am waiting for counselling, so I hope this will help me. He tells me how great his life is, when mine has fallen apart. However, I am very happy that we are not together anymore, as he makes my skin crawl.

I have decided that all access will be put in writing from now on and there will be no more "chatting" about it.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 10:10

Can you arrange access thru a solicitor, then you have a witness and he can't try to rearrange things. It will be that or nothing. You are protected. Also, let him do what he wants while he has her, I think my dd1 would prefer pasta to a roast anyday of the week, but there you go.

You are free of him now, think of it that way. Yes you do have to stay in touch with him, but if you do it thru a solicitor then you can sortall of the things that annoy you, like how she will be transported back and forth etc, and he can't complain about it. It will be money well spent and give you even more freedom from him.

It will get better, esp as dd gets older and can speak up for herself, she is still his dd too remember and he does love her too, tho it seems a very man thing to do to swan off on hols then complain he doesn't see her enough. He probably does it cos he knows it drives you nuts.

UnfortunatelyMe · 19/12/2008 10:18

Yes, concrete arrangement times are good. It means everyoine knows when its happening and you can all plan around it.
You are free from him now.
If getting a text from him is making you ill can you suggest he doesnt text you unless its hugely important?
Try and avoid being in situations where he can tell you how great his life is(do people who are REALLY happy feel the need to verbalise it?)

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 10:58

You know, his life probably isn't that great, he just wants you to think it is.
Next time he does it send one back telling him how great your life is now you don't have him there. Even if it isn't true, he wont know, and he will probably stop doing it if he gets one back every time he sends one. He si just trying to hurt you. DH does it in arguments, says things just cos they will hurt me and he knows it.
Be strong, you are well rid and he knows it.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 19/12/2008 12:42

Yes ladies you are absolutely right, I suppose I need get a backbone really. I have never objected to him doing anything when he is with her, it is up to him what they do. There are plenty of pics on Facebook of his days out with her (usually with a female friend of his as he doesn't drive) and I have never complained. In fact it's usually him complaining about me.

He had a go at me because my parents booked a holiday to Florida and the dates fell on his birthday, which they didn't realise. I got much grief from him saying I had done it on purpose so that she wouldn't see him on his "special day". That's when he forwarded texts from his mates saying that I was manipulative and controlling having ruined his birthday in this way, which is laughable, because that is actually an accurate description of him.

What I don't understand is why he does what he does, he knows it hurts me and he knows I am very stressed. I have always tried to be polite and civil to him. Sometimes he apologises to me, this is then followed a few weeks later by him being very demanding and very mean, he is having one of those periods at present.

How much would it cost to go through a solicitor/mediator? That sounds like a good idea.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 13:37

I have always tried to be polite and civil to him.

This is because you are a reasonable, normal person.

What I don't understand is why he does what he does, he knows it hurts me and he knows I am very stressed

This is why he does it, simply to hurt you, no other reason I wouldn't think. This is because he is not a reasonable, normal person.

He cannot accept that it might be his fault that you left him so he will blame everyone else for it, particularly you as it means he doesn't have to blame himself.