Have just received the following txt from DS1

[hauntedcitylover]

'New p says that DS1 needs to cut down on fatty foods and exH has said we are brought up badly' !!!!!

Have since spoken with DS1 and exH (they are with him) and DS1 seems quite upset - he says that exHs comment was due to him putting elbows on the table.

ExH says we need to chat about their behaviour which is disgraceful.

it seems as though exH wants to put the responsibilty for all of this on me. I do the best I can and can't help thinking that this is just an extension of his general control freakery behaviour.

They are fundamentally good DCs and anything like this just puts me on the defensive.

Not sure why I am posting but feel really upset.

[ANTagony]

In some cultures elbows on the table (certainly visible hands during meals) is considered polite.

Yep, this is SP reality. The Ex claims all the good bits to their genes and all the rest due to inadequacies on resident parent.

It hurts, but sounds like your DS1 feels confident and open with you and that shows in a way he respects you as his parent.

The worst bit of being an SP is the not haveing a DP to have a moan at and get it off your chest.

Then they turn round and say I love you or give you a smile and you remember its all completely worth it and nothing else matters.

[Dontgiveafig]

Of course, you are. Putting elbows on the table is naturally a crime against humanity, err, not. I take it the new P has no children - attitudes will change dramatically should she .

When the children come home, just tell them what you posted here - they are good kids and Daddy has his own issues, which they are NOT responsible for.

Nod, sagely, when your ex- tries to engage you and stonewall him. They have a problem, not you.

List the things you would like ex- to do differently, if he insists on this conversation and keep repeating it as calmly as you can until he gives up. Counter-attack and he will go away, hopefully. Then, reward yourself for standing up to him/them.

[hauntedcitylover]

Thank you antagony. The rship with new P is still in the newish stage and so he will be trying to make good impression.

He was like this when we were together ie remaining detached and blaming me for their behaviour

[hauntedcitylover]

They have new babies so measured against them older DSs will probably seem like monsters.

[hauntedcitylover]

and any of my male confidantes have gone awol for some reason so noone to moan to.

All my female RL friends have heard this to death so don't want to bore them with it.

[ANTagony]

So when do you get the DCs back?

Could the new P be trying to manipulate them out now that she has 'real' children?

[Dontgiveafig]

So, they are struggling as parents - definitely role-play this conversation! Take that line - the "I can see where you are coming from, with very young children, you are probably finding it hard with our more grown-up ones. But, heh, I don't have any of these problems" - so it must be YOU! Turn it back on him, do it with a very innocent tone and watch him sweat.

[hauntedcitylover]

Yes I am very non comittal in my response to him when he slags them off!!

They are back tomorrow.

They are high spirited and a handful no mistake. But DS1 seems no different to his peers and DS2 is a sensitive child.

[hauntedcitylover]

Next weekend they are being showcased for a family function (with new P and exH) so I expect tensions are running a bit high

[hauntedcitylover]

oh lordy - it has just got ten times worse.

They are back now with me - all OK.

But exH has rung to say that next we he would like me to collect them as the house is now a bit full for them to stay. Unfortunately I have already made arrangements so that won't be possible. My social life has to be planned in advance like a military operation.

However I suspect this request is also linked to this - he said he was very upset by their behaviour this weekend and he would be talking to me about this week (in a very stern voice).

I can't quite get my head around it all - yes they should not misbehave of course (and I have just spoken to them about it) but he has always been so down on them, rarely praises them and overemphasises any negatives and I am not quite sure why I am going to be given a talking to by him about it. he is also their parent and needs to deal with it.

Or am I being childish and non supportive?

None of this bodes well does it? I don't think integrating children into a step family is going to be a smooth path is it?

[brandy77]

"a bit full for them to stay", thats not very nice, so its out with the older kids and in with the new, how unpleasant for the children

[solidgoldbrass]

Your XP sounds like an arse: no wonder your DSs play him up. THey must think that whatever they do is not good enough for him, so why should they bother?
Remember that your XP is not your employer, or your owner, and you don't have to respect or obey him. The best style for dealing with dorks like him is amused tolerance and a complete refusal to be upset by his moaning. And when he does something like insist you come and get them, say 'SOrry but I have plans and we agreed they would stay with you,' then put the phone down.

[Dontgiveafig]

I'd go and get them - only because I wouldn't want my children to feel unwelcome, somewhere and it sounds, very sadly, that your ex- won't be putting them first.

If he isn't going to listen to you about them, what is the point of the conversation - for him to off-load? I also wouldn't be having words about their behaviour at his: you're not responsible for them, there. I'd be pushing the good things they do, acknowledge that their Dad has different criteria and encourage them to be themselves as much as they can round him.

Are they OK? Does their Dad ever spend time just him and them? If you can't avoid "the conversation", I would be launching a counter-offensive.

[ANTagony]

I believe access arrangements need to be fairly formal unless you have an amazingly good post separation relationship.

Do you both have a clear understanding of what the access is?

If so then your discussion needs to be prioritized around this. You're right this is major - no one forgets they've got kids. Kids don't take much space up. They generally love camping in the lounge or the end of a hallway if you make a game of it and build a tent. Sounds horribly like he wants to move on with his new life rather than be the grown up in the one he already has sewn for himself.

You deserve to have a life too and he has no right to expect you just to be at his beck and call and take the kids on days/ nights he doesn't want to play.

Regarding his behaviour issues the mans talking out of parts designed for another purpose. Kids behave differently in every situation, they get away with what they can. If he doesn't command respect or lay down clear guidelines he has to deal with his self generated consequence.

It stinks but if you can try to make him cope with his whole family next week. If he does it may smooth things for future visits.

Good luck

[mabanana]

I would never punish my children for anything they did in a (theoretical) fathers/step- parent's home. And I would certainly never consent to be lectured by an arsehole ex about their behaviour. He could stick that where the sun don't shine.

[ninah]

brought up badly???!!! who is he, a passing stranger?
agree with solidgoldbrass.
Stick to your plans
and tell him their behaviour is fine when they are with you ....

[hauntedcitylover]

Thanks all - it helps to have an objective view because all I see is my DCs/my parenting being criticised all the time and I get very defensive. This has actually been the case since DS1 was a baby (because I can clearly remember.

Yes I said why can't they sleep on the floor?

I have made arrangements. He is an arse. Controlling - in fact it is like he is still trying to control me.

Yes he does act like a passing stranger (he is very detached generally as a person). And I read in a book about controlling men that they do that with parenting - ie stand on the sidelines then jump in.

I have said to him that there is really nothing to say. I don't call him when there are disciplinary/behavioural issues.

They don't know yet that he has asked for them to be collected after the family event. I think they will feel pushed out just because other relatives/friends are now staying there.

[hauntedcitylover]

Yes SGB I think they crave his attention and even negative attention is better than nothing.

He is very sparing with it and now it is stretched even further.

And at the moment is in protective mode with new DP (he did it with me too) but it doesn't last long.

I thought of suggesting he went on a parenting course.

[hauntedcitylover]

Yes SGB I think they crave his attention and even negative attention is better than nothing.

He is very sparing with it and now it is stretched even further.

And at the moment is in protective mode with new DP (he did it with me too) but it doesn't last long.

I thought of suggesting he went on a parenting course.

[edam]

I like your response, haunted, v. good! Exp clearly a nasty bully. Can see why he's your ex.

[hauntedcitylover]

Yes he is - the irony is that the veneer he puts on is one of caring/sharing, he is a professional, respected man but under this veneer very f**ked up, manipulative and nasty. These are the most dangerous kind imo.

[citronella]

Right I agree with others on here who said take the "who me?" approach.
Don't allow yourself to be bullied into discussing (exh speak for listening to him lecture on) their behaviour on his terms.

Tell him firmly and sweetly that you really haven't got the time to talk on and really seeing as they behave perfectly as you would expect them to with you it must be something to do with his parenting environment and he really needs to sort that out himself as you just haven't got the time to do your own parenting and his parenting for him. Tell him if he can't cope with his existing 2 how does he expect to manage with his new 2 as well. And by the way, say, what kind of message are you giving them by telling them they can't stay. Then wave/trill a cheery goodbye.

Be on the front foot.

[Flightattendant4]

Oh I bet there was no appalling behaviour at all, he is just swinging his weight around trying to sound like the big man. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

reminds me of an ex I had (we dated for about 2 weeks, he was total control freak) who used to keep texting me and ringing me afterwards saying he had somehting really, really important if I could just spare him 5 minutes of my valuable time

It turned out it was something completely stupid and inane.
He was just trying to see if i would 'listen' and jump when he said jump. Yours sounds very similar.

Well handled so far

[ninah]

how's it going haunted?
my ex has a veneer, too. Now I only see him once a fortnight I get the veneer instead of the real person, thank goodness.

[hauntedcitylover]

Fine I only had a brief conversation with him last night when he called to speak to DCs. He is quite determined to bring them back on Saturday and I think they will be upset.

I am going out to lunch earlier on but it looks as though my evening sh*g date is not now on - my exbf has gone awol again (another story).

but in a way that's neither here nor there.

When our DCs were young he would stay out til whenever he felt like it and used to make me feel like a nagging wife. I used to sit there not knowing whether or not to eat and not able to tell DCs when daddy would be home.

Now the boot's on the other foot and he is constantly ringing me asking when I'll be back home so he can get off to his new family.