need to let off some steam - beginning to wonder if DS would be better off living somewhere else??

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

As in I can't seem to cope with him at the minute. we're back to not sleeping again, I have 6 glorious hours with him in the creche while I go to the gym but that's all the time we have apart. I'm snapping at him when I really shouldn't be, and tbh we're more like doing things along side each other.

I miss my life before I had him - hell my life before I got married! I miss working FT and doing what I wanted. I'm worried that DS's needs aren't being met at the minute, and it breaks my heart to thing about it/him not being around, but I really need a break.

and it feels so selfish as he is a good little boy for the most part, and I don't want to be the sort of mother who does nothing with her DC (althou we do reading, swimming, groups, cooking, painting etc together). Everyone else finds him a dream, and he seems to prefer being in their company.

i'd be devastated if anything happened to him, but just lately i'm really feeling the responsibility again of doing this alone.

maybe it's time to get back to the dr's and get some AD's this time??

on the other hand thou I won't have him live with XH (ie au pair) or XMIL.

not sure what i'm asking but I need to do waht's right for DS, and i'm not sure if being with me is right at the mo.

(oh n XH today sent a letter thru from the bank to change the addresses on the accounts - currently going thru getting that all sorted out) - and also saw a solicitor yesterday re the divorce have an apt next thurs.

How old is he?

You DO sound depressed..

The fact that you posted here shows how much you love him...you're in a tough rut at the moment.

he's 2.8 months - 3 come feb, I jsut feel like he never listens to anything I say, he's alwasy doing things for attention, no matter how much I give him. he's good for others but not for me - I know mostly he's a typical toddler but it's so grinding (doesn't help XH hasn't seen him at all in 3 weeks and only rang twice, so roll on this weekend when I can have a rest for 1.5 days.

Sorry Spandex I dont know your circumstances...
Why wont you let him stay with his dad or gran?

That is a AWFUL age. It DOES get better. Its really does.
You sound grinded down.
Get back the gps.

Elenor - basically Xh's job means he's away for 3 out of 4 weeks a month, mon - fri. He's already said he'd have an au pair look after him. (was off the cuff comment from me saying he didn't know what it was like looking after DS 24/7) as for his nan (ie XMIL) tbh she's screwed her own boys up I might be having a tough time right now but i'll be damned if I will give my lad over to her willingly to screw him up as well.

have spoken to mum about it this avo, & she said that apparently at this age we 'all go thru it' and it gets easier.

but tbh just having a few nights undisturbed sleep again would suit me just fine. the rest of it I can cope with (just) but will get back to the dr's again as I think the prob is that before when I saw him he said I was boarderline for PND, so maybe it's time to have the happy pills I was so determined not to have them as well, but everything's just getting too much.

I don't think I could actually go thru with giving my child away thou, I love him, he's my son, but right now at the minute i'm not doing my best by him/for him/he deserves better.

(he's also just come back form PIL's /XH's for 5 days 2 weeks ago - which is also prob not helping as he's paying up from that still)

Spandex - have you tried to see if there is Homestart in your area? They offer homevisiting volunteers who all have children themselves and would be able to give you some emotional as well as practical support every week for as long as you needed them?

I volunteer for them and this really sounds like the kind of situation we would really be able to support you with...

happy to give you some more info if this helps

alternatively could your mum help out at all or come over for a night and do the getting up bit?

can someone from your family come to stay for a bit? could you go to stay with them? sounds like you need some support / some company / some rest.....

i can empathise with your "cant ddo this anymore feeling" but what is the reality of any alternative.... he wont go to some nice rosy cheeked lovely foster parents if he's got paternal family willing to have him you know.... and if he did "go and live elsewhere" what do you think he'd be like if / when he comes back to you??

so much sympathy but nothing likely to be solved by what you suggest...

we do have homestart I think but not in this area - it's in the more 'deprived' areas here - (i'm v lucky to live in a v good area), but we do use sure start as well.

my folks do give me a lot of support - but unfortunatly both work form 7.30am every day until about 5pm - well mum does, dad does till about 4 (but he won't change dirty bums! lol)

typically they'll have DS for me for an hour or so if I need it, or they'll have him over night if I need it as well (as in if i'm going somewhere specifically with DP but otherwise they tend not to) althou she did say they'd have him for a night over the xmas break (she's in teaching so it's good at times, esp holidays - free childcare - but she doesn't know that bit yet! lol)

I don't like putting on them all of the time thou. after alls said n done, DS is my responsibility, but at the mo that's how I see him - another responsibility.

XH's family are all in yorkshire. I should imagine some of this is also my being an independent lil and not wanting help/feeling a failure for accepting it. I know DP would ahve DS for me for an afternoon if I wanted him to but I really don't right now as they don't really know each other. (again my fault as i've not let them interact yet really apart form one meeting)

what with everything that's going on in the press with baby P - i'm just worried feeling like this I might do something silly to him. (ie hitting his bottom or something) (I know I wouldn't iycwim - but they're so testing and trying)

I know there's not bang - it will make everything 1000 X's worse than now as then he'd think his mummy doesn't love him either.

after being with XH for a spell/weekend i've noticed he bites his nails - as I say hes' not seen XH for 3 weeks and in 2 of those he's not bitten his nails, other wise he does - every time XH leaves )

I do love him and I realise he'd go to family members other than foster care - but I won't have him with X's family (he comes back bad enough after a week)

Spandex, I know how you feel, but from my side of the fence, my exh openly admitted he would put the kids into foster care if anything happened to me.
I don't have anymore family, nor any close friends here....

And it's that thought alone that keeps me going really. I often think of walking away. I know that exh could give them a better quality of life...but he won't.

Please go and see your GP. It sounds like you're horrendously depressed.
Have you thought about social services for some respite? With all the recent bad press is not good I know, but our family worker is great. I know ours isn't a counsellor, but it feels good to offload sometimes!

Take it easy x

it does sound like PND..

Sleep deprivation is the worst torture we go through as parenst (speaking as one who never had a baby sleep through...and had to wait till each was nearly 2 before i ever got a full nights sleep for more than 2 nights on the go!)

i have had PND, and totally identified with your feelings towards your DS... and with all thats going on in your life- at a time when you want to just hibernate and tuck up in bed- you have to get up and look after your son.

I don't know whether doctors still prescribe mild sedation to toddlers- soley to give the parent some sleep... as its no good sedating you if he is still wakeful....otherwise i'd recommend a short course of sleeping tabs for you...I have 14 tablets prescribed yearly...soley to give me a couple of nights sleep when i still have bad days.( I have 3 boys with a form of autism- NOT severe...but draining)

My eldest is 15 soon- and ds2 is 12- and both were prescribed Phenergan & Vallergan by doctor- as i just got to the point that i could not sleep for longer than 1 hour without being awakened.

children do pick up on our stress and anxiety- and he may get clingier to you as he senses whats going on...but for now, you must focus on dealing with YOU...

Try to ease up on all the activities that you think you should be doing with him....and when you are feeling down there is NOTHING wrong with snuggling on the sofa TOGETHER him watching a video....and you HAVING A SNEAKY LITTLE SLEEP....
at the worst of my depression i discovered a great game that DS loved... i'd lie on carpet..he'd crawl/climb all over me.... he loved it...and i loved just lying there. i had no energy. Don't feel GUILTY that you're not READING / SWIMMING / PAINTING etc with him ....
but equally...if like me...there are times when you feel so irritated (there were times when i could not bear to even be touched my my own children)... then the snuggling up is no good- so then the doing something together is the better idea... and remember...if he's an active little s*d (!!!)... he may be happier 'helping mummy' than playing with toys....if you can 'tolerate' the 'mess'...let him 'tidy' a cupboard etc...or 'help' you hoover.... i suggest this as when i was depressed- doing housework was hard- so involving him keeps him occupied- and it may mean you achieve something too.

part of depression is the way we load ourselves up with all the 'should-be-doing-this....should-be-doing-that' ...and it all gets too much as we cannot possibly achieve it all... and the standards get higher- as we feel we need to prove we are in control. its a viscious circle....

i'm saying all this without any knowledge of your difficulties with exH...it was just i saw your original post, and i really identified with it- as though i am a mum of 3 and married....i feel isolated and alone much of the time...and i just feel your desparation.

keep posting here
(((((Hugs)))))

when i said "My eldest is 15 soon- and ds2 is 12- and both were prescribed Phenergan & Vallergan by doctor- as i just got to the point that i could not sleep for longer than 1 hour without being awakened."...i was referring to when they were from 3 months to maybe 2 years old.....

mum - thank you for your post- you've pretty much summed me all up there in your post.

re the sleeping pills - tbh I don't want to have them/DS to have them, I know they may work but it's not something I personally want to do with him. But I think a trip to the dr's is a must for either tomorrow or friday morning. this really can't go on if i'm feeling like this - one minute fine the next snappy etc etc n weepy. I don't want a large dose thou and certainly don't want to be on them for keeps - maybe till january?? re the laying on the floor bit - if he was nice (ie not jumping on my back which is already fit for the knackers yard I wouldn't mind so much) but the expectations - yes that's what i'm feeling now - and the control thing you mentioned as well - I don't want DS growing up with a control freak for a mummy - then i'd be no better than XH/XMIL.

purple - I know how hard things have been for you, and in comparison I feel a little ashamed at moaning when I do have a good support network when I need it - it's just fully utilizing it.

being on your own is tough huh?? re the social worker thou - tbh again not really wanting to go down that route - I think XH & esp XMIL would use it against me to take DS I know from this thread I sound full of contradictions but long term I don't want him to go too far away I don't think - but I jsut keep having these thoughts he'd be better off without me (not that I mean to do myself any harm thou)

If keeping active's not helping me beat this, then I think the tablets and maybe some councilliing is needed?? (not had any at all over my separation/everything else that went on last year with XH around the time we split/our whole relationship.

sleep for me tbh is more than most - I should think or some - i'll go to bed between 11-11.30 earlier if I can thou. and DS will wake around 2/3am for me to come in with him (or he comes in with me - if it's the latter I dose until he wakes up but don't sleep - mostly as he kicks etc etc) if not i'm on the blow up on his floor, and basically then I get 'mummy, hold hands, milk mummy' etc etc which goes on for about an hour from when he first comes in, then I have him jump on me to wake me up between 6-7.

other times thou he won't jump on me and I wake up to him nose to nose with me whispering 'I love you moon n back mummy' which melts me, or gives me a hug n says love you. why can kids do that?? they take u to the edge and are then lovely???

at the mo it feels like i'm sailing close to the edge, n it's a hell of a lot closer than i'd like.

{{{hug}}}

I know my situ is shit Spandex. But don't ever feel ashamed for feeling the way you do.

Please go see your GP darling, or make appt with your local social services.
I didn't want to go down that route either, and I knew as soon as I 'told' people about my alcoholism that social services would be involved. And they were.

My exh knew all this when family worker rang him the other week. And he even told her that he wouldn't take DD2. The EWO has even said that DD2 should sleep over his so he can take her to school, then she comes back here for time with mum and DD1 and for tea, and exh picks her up at 8pm. Exh said no. says he's too tired and wants to spend time with 'his' family.

Please keep posting Spandex. There is a multitude of virtual hugs and support here. Don't ever feel guilty just from one post from me.

x x x

sorry purple didn't mean to make you feel sad.

will wait until half 8 and then ring the surgery.

I read last night that kids who's parents have un treated PND are more likely to have anxiety disorders etc and if it's not sorted by the time they're 5 it can get worse/insecurities etc etc - which is the last thing I want for DS.

a selfish point thou - will I put weight on (i'm trying to loose it at the mo but it's not really happening! lol)

hope you have made the phonecall!!!

I have ) earliest is next thurs but she said to ring on monday morning for something in open clinic with the same dr I saw before - my pratice likes you to stay with the same dr if you start a course of something with them.

have started a thread in health asking aboutt he sorts of AD's to go on - i'm resigned to it now - don't want it really but I can't beat this on my own anymore.

need to also mention it to my folks - mums more ok with it, but dad's the stiff upper lip n typically british sort who battles on so don't think he will like it really but if I need it I need it.

good for you- the first step is the hardest.

know what you mean about peoples attitudes to anti-d's....

but i always say i'd rather take a pill every day of my life and HAVE A LIFE...than take no tablets and HAVE NO LIFE .

take care....will keep an eye out for your posts.

thanks mum - have decided just to keep the thursday apt, have told mum n nan as well now so they'll be on, mum said again we're here wahtever you want/need we're here so, it's a big step for me to admit it needs sorting out and activly sort it as opposed to plod along as we are - as you say better a life than none.

(or better a happy mummy than a shouting nag all the time)

Well done Spandex.
A big leap into the unknown, is far better than plodding in the doldrums.
Hope you start to slowly feel better soon!

me to i've just looked at my old threa here and tbh not a lot has changed - or at least it's certainly not got better, ho hum, roll on thurs I guess, can I specify I only want a course for 3 months?

I wouldn't specify whether you want a 3 month course or not, you don't know how long you'll need them for.
Ive come off them too early and you end up back at square one.
Do your time on the AD's woman!
My doc said they should put them in the water like fluoride