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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I became a single parent today, partner has left the family home as he says he is not longer in love with me

66 replies

inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 15:43

well thats it really.

Feel I am being punished for something I haven't done.

I have 2 dc and I really dont know how I am going to get through this shit bit of my life.

Cant eat, cant sleep, want to curl up in a warm safe place and never come out, but I have 2 dc so no chance of that.

I have told people in RL and they are very supportive but I cant bear the thought of sleeping alone.

How do I get through this without losing it?

Feel a bit suicidal but know that is not the answer, I wont le the bastards grind me down.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 16/11/2008 15:45

Sweetheart.... no advice but I wanted you know that you have support.

anonsinglemum · 16/11/2008 15:50

Very briefly (am already late) you will get through it because of your DC. You will feel rubbish for a while a kind of grief for your lost relationship, but gradually you'll feel better. Will be bk later but am sure you'll get the support you need on here

mrsmortenharket · 16/11/2008 15:57

hi
dd pulled me through as well, be honest about how you are feeling - tho not too honest iyswim - maybe something like "i'm not feeling too good today so if i snap at you, i don't mean it and i am sorry, shall we get through today together, one day at a time?" kind of thing.(tho it does kind of depend on the age of your dc as to what they will understand). they will know that you aren't the same emotionally and that you are a bit sad. dd is 3.5 and understands when i'm tired or sad - i left him over and year ago and now the abd days are much less than good days

it was my decsion to ask x to leave and i'm glad he did tbh - i too have a double bed and i used to put stuff on the other side so that the bed felt "heavier". sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't; i got fed up of it sooner or later and tbh enjoyed having the bed to myself, no snoring, no one nicking the covers and rolling in them so i was cold mid-way through the night ...

i knwo that i come at things from the other side but you are still welcome to cat me and chat off-board, i hope it works as i forgot to renew it

you will be fine (((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))

mrsmortenharket · 16/11/2008 15:59

ps you may be in shock for a good few days, just take it easy on yourself and try not to overthink (easier said than done, i know), just get through these first few days (you will, whether you believe me or not) and then take things hour by hour, not necessarily day by day at first

clam · 16/11/2008 16:04

Sounds like shock to me. That he has actually gone. So sad to hear. Did you have any idea that this might be on the cards? IS there any chance that he might change his mind?

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 16:08

I feel like yelling and screaming, I am so angry.

I feel that it will be easy for him to get on with life.

I have been a SAHM for 10 years and have dropped a lot of my friends. Its just gonna be me and the dcs for the future.

We are also in a bit of a mess financially, I feel that after years of haveing a fairly decent life style that me and the kids will lose all the stability we have had.

I am numb with grief and anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 17:10

just found out that he had an emotional affair a year ago, accidently got into his email account and found a couple of mails saying things like "missing you"

how am I supposed to react to something like this?

it it fair that he gets away with making all the decisions?

its ok I am just rambleing

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/11/2008 17:12

have you got the house, child payments and other finances sorted out - what decisions is he making exactly?

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 17:16

he is making no decisions

wants things to remain on a friendly basis

says he is there for me if I need him

we are in rented at the moment as we have a house in france which we cant sell

its just more crap on top of crap

he earns about 4200 per month, how much so you think is fair maintenance?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 16/11/2008 17:35

It is reasonably easy to calculate child maintenance if you go on the CSA web site. There is a calculator thingy there.

I imagine this week will be hell I am so sorry. My main advice would be take things slowly with your Xp. Keep it as friendly as possible for as long as possible and if you need space say so.

Simplysally · 16/11/2008 18:25

Who is paying the mortgage/rent, utilities or food bills?

As an aside do you think that (without wanting to give you false hope) that your DH might come back? You need to think about what you might want to do in that instance and not just let him walk back in once the dust has settled. Is that what you mean by 'decisions'?

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 18:55

he has decided that we are no longer viable as a couple

I haven't been given much of a chance to realsie that there was a problem in our relationship

Its amazing how people can change over a period of time, he was such a gentle man, now he contriols what affection and emotions he is prepared to give

I have been trying to tell hime that I love him and will work things out but it has not been my decision that he has left me

OP posts:
Simplysally · 16/11/2008 19:21

No of course it wasn't. Keep posting on here - it can help to clarify how you feel and what you want as well as giving you a means of voicing your opinion. Just make sure the money situation is sorted out - if you aren't going to get back together then this is a conversation that must be held.

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 16/11/2008 19:28

so what do I do?

contact a solicitor?

I cant face it yet, although I know it is inevitable

When I am angry I want to say that I'll take every thing he has, but I know in reality I am a fair person.

We have the equity in the house in France, which I think should be mine so that I can buy a house for me and the dcs.

I gave up my career to look after the dcs and feel that I am owed something for 14 years of life together.

OP posts:
SuperSillyus · 16/11/2008 19:53

You probably don't need to do anything for a bit. Just stand still and let everything sink in. Concentrate on the small things, keep strong, you will get through this and come out the other side and you never know what is round the corner.
For now just be kind to yourself, detatch as much as you need to.

glitterfairy · 16/11/2008 20:25

I agree with SuperSillyus, dont do anything as yet. Try to get through each day for the first few weeks and as I said take it slowly and dont make decisions whilst you are in the first stages of anger and grief.

Are you sleeping? I didnt for months and now think I was stupid not to get help but didnt for many very good reasons. Are you eating and looking after yourself? Your children need you at the moment and may be more difficult than usual as well so you need to ensure you have enough energy for them and to stay strong.

allgonebellyup · 16/11/2008 21:45

i agree with the others, you need a lot of time for all of this to sink in. i split with my dh last march/april and still feel cut up about it really.

ChasingSquirrels · 16/11/2008 21:50

you get through it one day at a time, or each hour (or minute at times).
Mine left in April, this summer was bloody hard. But I am in a much better place now, and it is only 8mo down the line.
Take care of yourself, accept help and support from people.
I SO understand where you are coming from on him making the decisions - suddenly you are having to deal with something that was not of your making and which you can do nothing about.
The others are right on immediate decisions not being needed.

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 17/11/2008 06:17

I have realised that his emotional affair coincided with him switching off from me.

He has had a year to think about what he should be doing, I wish I had known as I would not have tried so hard to fix it, something that I hadn't broken but thought had contributed to, it was nothing to do with me.

God I hate him right now.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/11/2008 07:09

So sorry that you are going through all this. Let the shock sink in, be with your DCs and go and see your GP if you're having trouble sleeping. After you have got over the shock, go to the CAB and find out all you need to know financially to get sorted.

But let it all sink in first and give yourself some time....

juicyjolly · 17/11/2008 07:30

If you have to go on benefits for a while I am not sure if you should involve the CSA straight away as they will take money from him but you will not see any of it as you would be on a set amount anyway.

A lot of couples who have split up sort out what a fair maintenance amount to set and try and make that work. If the CSA are involved it will not benefit you financially, unless of course you are working yourself.

PersephoneSnape · 17/11/2008 07:49

thw whole CSA m,aintenance thing has changed recently - now he pays you and you declare it to jobcentre plus - you keep £20 andthe rest is deducted from your benefit. contact child tax credits as well to update them. don't mke big decisions, but do claim benefits as soon as you can - if you have a priority list, this is in the top three.

i think it's healthy to hate him right now - don't worry about that! hate can be a positive emotion - it can fuel you to get things sorted out for you and your children, don't worry about it being a tad negative it'll die down to disinterest soon enough.

how old are your DCs?

glitterfairy · 17/11/2008 07:51

I agree juiyjolly but if the child maintenance calculation is to be fair you can at least use the calculation page online to see what it ought to be and then come to an agreement after that.

Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 17/11/2008 08:06

My dcs are 10 and 7.

It has been difficult for them as he was a great Dad.

I feel such a door mat.

Even now he is controling how much contact he has with me.

He had his phone switched on on Sat, knowing very well that I was very upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemistsoftime · 17/11/2008 08:07

Going to try and contact the CAB today

I need to be doing something to take my mind of him

I am a person who makes a decision and acts swiftly on it, although it is not always to my benefit!!!

OP posts:
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