I just want it all to STOP!!!!!!

[h0pe]

Hi,

I occasionally come on mumsnet but i'm not a regular......I just generally whinge about m ex so I'm sorry for the rant but I don't really know where to turn ( que tears!!!).....

Going through a horrible time right now, plucked up the courage to stop contact with my daughters father a while ago now. He just wouldn't listen to reason and caused us such a lot of problems. The awful thing is it was blatantly to get at me which upsets me so much that this could all be avoided if he just acted like thdoting dad he says he is!!!!!

It's about to go to court now on allegations of domestic violance and the fact dd doesn' want to go for contac ( she's only five but would cry and cry every week at prospect of going)

So today I handed in all my statements to my solicitor and that by it's self what tremendously hard. Fallen out with my best friend who I've known since I was little as she didn't want to be a witness to some of the stuff she has witnessed......Times like thse you know who your friends are!

Anyway put my phone on silece when I got home today as just couldn't deal with speaking to anyone and when Ifinally braved looking I had five missed calls from my solictor confirming the statements will now go to ex to review and respond to.

I feel sick, I feel like I can't survive this any more.....I can'thaving to go back to my solictors in a week or so to listen to all the bullsh1t him and his mother will hae concocted about me....Only thing that keeps me going is that I know my daughter needs me if you get where I am going with that.

Just...Just feel empty apart from all the horrible feelings I feel all the time.

Sorry I know I sound pathetic but I'm sat here now with my daughter who is colouring in and my dp who is reading paper and I just want to scream and cry.......

Didn't want this to go unanswered. I was in your position just over 6 years ago. It was absolute hell at the time. The only way I can describe how it felt is imagine being turned inside out, dipped in salt and being on an out of control runaway roller coaster...just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. You just have to hang on in there, it will get better. I'm a far stronger person for going through all the crap, and to get where I am today I would do it again even though i wouldn't wish it on anyone. Chin up!

Ah thank you brightwell.... Your post made me lol actually as that is my dp fav expression..Chin up!! He just said it me about ten minutes ago when I was folding the washing and just got lost in my own world...Staring at the wall totally zoned out. Those feelings totally describe how i'm feeling, I keep thinking to myself that when your in a bad place things all seem to happen at once, try and deal wih one thing at a time but i'm still totally tripping out about it. I panic when the phone goes,when a letter arrives, panic about the looks on friends/families faces when they ask about the latest development and I'm reading there faces and knowing there thinking omg not more...Feel like I'm carrying the huge burden and wearing a t-shirt that reads "DUCK HERE SHE COMES"!!!!!!

Oh I feel for you, I remember feeling like that. I can also remember people saying it does get better, you'll be a different person in 2 years, and I can remember thinking...what do you know, how can 1 person cope with this much stress, I'm going to explode one day. But I did come through it and so will you.

hOpe , you are soo doing the right thing! Its Very hard writing down exactly why behaviour is unreasonable. I know you had to write statements which is different , but putting things in writing just makes everything real! It WILL to your ex!
If he has ANY sense he won't agree but won't contest like my abusive spineless mommy's boy did! AHEM sorry !

It WILL get better and you will feel sooooooooo much better and stronger !!!!!!!!!

In regards to his mother um, can't think of a nonturettes expletive I HATE my f**kin ex monster inlaw, she created the monster my ex is! And is ALWAYS trying to take over in regard to ds! she has a brilliant grown up daughter wish she'd leave mine ALONE !

(((((((((((()))))))))))))))) TO you h0pe and your are soo right u find out who ur friends are when it comes to domestic abuse! As perpetrators are very clever and skilled in pretending they are wonderful!!!!!

It is scary waiting for your ex's response i remember it very well, just remember you are protectin you and your kids !!!!!! Which is a VERY brave thing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Ah thanks Tigerlili your like a breath of fresh air. Y'know I lawys think his mum didn't make a rod for her back she made a rod for my back!!!!!! She totally created a monster BUT will not hear a word said against him. he's perfect, he's changed, he's loves dd. Why is that like an excuse? Well he scares the sh1t out of you but just forget about it cause he loves his child!!! In all seriousness though it is such a lonely world when your going through this. Panicking because he gets a good week to go through my statements, pick them aprt and then sit with his family ( they are likes the mitchells off eastenders ) and all make a pact to make statements about me that are just a load of rubbish...What if the courts don't beleive me!?!? I've put up with it for so long, and kept a record of everything he has done and everytime he had done something out of order I've wrote it down and thought in the end it will all work out. but now I just think, they will all lie. And the courts will believe there lies...Nobody wants to give me a statement cause there frightened. One person refused and the other is tinkering on the edge, could withdraw it at any time.....xxx

I don't know your situation - but did your ex try talking to you? Or mediation?

Court should be the last resort.

If there is any chance of talking to him, please do. Your solicitor will be happy for this to run and run - because the more it does, the more you pay.

Talk to him if you can. In court, you may be offered mediation before you see the judge. If your daughter isn't happy during contact, he should be concerned and should be able to work together with you to try to address this. Increase things slowly, bit by bit.

Speaking from the perspective of a father who is taking his ex to court - and was accused of DV and abusing my son - I would dearly like to work with her to end this pointless and expensive exercise (going to court). If I had any other option, I would. Whatever happens, I will never give up on my son even though I am fairly sure this is what my ex wants.

As I say - I don't know your situation and everyone is different. But court should always be the last resort. If it isn't - and your ex has jumped right in, he'll be asked by the judge why he didn't bother to talk to you.

Your at the other end of the spectrum to my ex...He's not interested in adressing this as adults. I've tried to talk to him for years, but he shouted and shouted until i was plain terrified of him... I tried letters to reason with . No response. Tried talking to his family . No response. Then he started messing around with contact. It was like he got off on th e fact he knew he was still messing about with our lifes...I wish it could've been different. I warned him so many times that if it didn't change it would end up at court and he just carried on with the aggression and not respectingdd return. No choice but to go to court. I wish it could've been different....

** Not respecting dd routine - sorry i'm typing too fast and not checking my spelling!

Well, messing around with arranged contact won't do him any favours. Neither will shouting.

Just an idea though - if you don't want to face him there is always `shuttle mediation' if there is any chance of discussion. You wouldn't even have to sit in the same room as him to be able to come up with some kind of agreement.

Although if you're in court that may not be an option for the time being. It's just that I see my ex's words in your posts and there is nothing I can do about it...I did everything I could, but had no option. Hope you do.

poor you.

I don't know what to say that will help you. I have also wasted an awful lot of energy trying to 'reason' with my x. It has been pointed out to me that I left him because he wouldn't see reason and that now that I have left, if I@m to be 'free' and move on, I need to accept that he'll never see reason and just let it go.

Ha! easy to type !

I'm trying. It's hard. My x was violent agressive and abusive to me too. You're brave going to court. My x doesn't KNOW he abused me, because he just thinks I disobeyed him (or something like that) so if I pressed charges it would make things worse initially. I admire you for doing it though. I think it will eventually make things easier to let go off. Handing it over to the police so that YOU can let go of it. IYSWIM.

GL

See this is what frustrates me about people. No offence lost dad but i've tried everything I can - The last thing I want is to go to court. I just want him to act like a reasonable person and have a reasonable routine for dd... It upsets me that people may think there is something I can do to make him into a responsible dad. theres only one person who can change this situation and that's him. Sad but most definately true I don't want ot go to court. I don't want to face him I just want us to be able to get on with our life. all of us....

H0pe, so funny about the x monsters-in-law!

Mine thinks I was insane to leave her fabulous son, I am wicked, lazy,i was a terrible house-keeper (seriously). she saw bruises on my face and refused to believe her son did that to me. I did it to myself because I am an hysterical drama queen, and i am mentally ill and i wasn't coping! (I wasn't coping with being miserable and being totally bullied by a nasty bad-tempered, agressive control freak). It is a tragedy the children live with me. I am a disgrace. She tells all her cronies at the golf club all about her wicked x dil.

Like I said h0pe - I don't know your situation, so various chunks of what I'm typing could (and by the sounds of it ) be redundant.

Like whether you've tried everything or not. I've only posted because a lot of people I have met sometimes think going to court is the only option open to them.

You can't make someone a responsible parent either. I agree with you on that one.

Liffey your so right! That is exactly what I'm thinkin to get me through all this. At the end of the day, he will be someone else's problem at the end of all this. He kicks off again it won't be for me to deal with it will be the courts/police!! My ex mum used to see him kick off and then turn up and say I didn't deserve to be a mum!!!! Without doubt ex doesn't think he has done anything wrong to me. In a way Iwould like to be a fly on the way when he gets the statements, purely out of interest to see if he would geniunely be shocked about the things he's done in the past. I do wonder - do violent men justify there aggressive nature somehow? or do they forgot what they've done? Although I wouldn't want to inflict this kind of situation on anyone else it is nice to know that i'm not on my own xx

Thanks lostdad.....I hope things work out for you....

h0pe perpetrators of domestic abuse CHOOSE that behaviour it took me 15 years of an abusive to marriage to realise that! i spent sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much time trying to get my abusive / violent / manipulative ex to go for anger management. Then i realised actually he didn't need it he knew what what he was doing and and managed his anger very effecively by abusing me!

DON'T entertain giveing him ANY control / power. the courts and legal system will deal with him. You have tried to 'mediate'? and he didn't want to know.domestic abuse is ALL about control and every perpetrator has there own tool box ( virtually speaking).My ex as i said didn't contest but didn't agree because he was worried about access to ds.

lostdad i do not mean to cause any offence to you at all . everyone's situation is different and i respect that , there are good dads out there who have there ex's who cause them pain and grief.
My ex IS a good dad even though when i got pregnant he turned it around to be ALL about HIM and how worried he was about being a dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He wasn't happy that i wsa pregnant at ALLL!!!!!!!!( which makes complete sense now )

However, ds loves him and he loves ds and i do respect that!
The fact he is a spineless mommy's boy with a violent dominating temper is by the by!

(((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))h0pe))))))))))))
you are very brave and the chronolgy of events in court is POWERFUL evidence i itself.!!!!!!!!

h0pe, I used to torment myself with these same questions. I honestly used to lie awake half the night trying to make sense of how somebody could be so agressive and nasty (eg call you a stupid cunt too stupid to cook a ready meal), and then, later, when challenged about their behaviour genuinely NOT believe that they had done anything wrong.

I know if the police turned up on my x's door because I had pressed charges against him, he would be spluttering with self-righteous indignation.

If you hooked him up to a lie-detector, he would swear blind that I was mentally ill, hysterical, dramatic, awkward, confrontational... He would pass, because he really, really believes all this. I was disobedient enough to try and present my opinions and feelings and needs and ambitions and desires as having equal importance to his, and he spent every moment trying to bulldoze over me and slap me back down. So there was a lot of grief, but in his eyes I caused it ALL. If he ever finds another relationship it'll be with somebody who can tolerate being completely dominated, and eventually subsumed.

Another thing about my x which is quite common in angry men I think, he used to let off steam by being obnoxious, verbally and physically agressive to me. No fists in the face, but a lot of rough pushing and slapping and hands over my mouth. Very symbolic that one. He literally wanted to shut me up. He just wanted a subservient housekeeper, not a human being. The verbal abuse in particular was astonishing. BUT afterwards he felt better. It was as though a calmness descended over him for a bit. He wouldn't remember 10% of what he'd said to me.

So although I'd love to charge him, and maybe I will at some point, I cringe at the thought of police arriving on his door, because he wouldn't accept for a second that he was in the wrong.

A man like that never looks inwards it's always somebody else's fault.

Liffey the classic line my ex used on me , i was the ONLY person who made him lose his temper ! therefore in his twisted sad brain his abuse was my fault!!!TWAT!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, sorry still RAW after a sooper crap year ! sorry.

Yeah I heard that too tigerlili. But I only made him angry because he couldn't control me. But it wouldn't have occured to him to expect to be able to control anybody else!!!

It'll be 16 months tomorrow since I left. It has been emotional, and like you say RAW, but haven't regretted it for a single moment. He recently offered me the 'opportunity' to come back to him.

Eh. Pass on that thanks! Some money for the children would be nice. My x punishes me for leaving by giving the children nothing.

All makes complete sense in his brain. I used to think I was the lone poor eejit who ended up with such a mean bully, but it's oddly reassuring as well as sadly depressing to find so many other people have been through similar.

He recently offered me the 'opportunity' to come back to him.

SORRY THAT'S F**IN funny!!!!!!!!!

What a idiot he is!!!!!!!

Yes since i kicked ex out and regained my life ! suddenly i have found sooooooooooooooooo many other people who have been through it!!

depressin yes but made me feel much LESS of a failure ! Which i did when i filed for dvorce !

Roll on 2009!!!!!!! 2008 Sucked !( at least for me and my ds)

Girls thank you sooo much. Just hearing your stories make me feel better wierdly!! So Much truth in what you say, For years I used to get letters through the door from the policedomestic violence unit following "outbursts"and ex used to blame me for them! He actually forced me to ring them up and tell them it was me who was causing the arguments and I did! I still cringe remembering that because the officer who took the call totally sussed what was going on and said " He's stood wih you now isn't he" ex was not happy. I've been to counselling and hve gone through strong stages, just feel like things are getting tough again now. my solicitor and various other cources have referred me to the domestic violance unit and finally i went albiet probably too late to help ( he has back off in the months since i'ts been going to court as he knows he can't stand out of line and peggy mitchell will be watching him like a hawk) Anyway whilst I was there the lady gave me this sheet which was called .....wait for it....."The wheel of domestic violence" OMG I have never seen anything like it before in m life, every single session quoted examples and he'd done them all with me- stops you seeing friends, isolates from family, tell you it's your fault, doesn't want you to go out. Really it's so strange that so many men seem to show the same traits. Anyway Im waffling now but I can't tell you how nice it's been to hear your stories and remember that this isn't forever, you guys got through it, hopefully i will too xxx

Yes I saw one of those lists. I'm in Ireland so it wasn't called a wheel, it was jsut a list. But every single thing on the list (except raping me) he did it.

It shcoked me. I knew he was an arse. But I didn't know how predictable he was.

Why are so many men like this?!

just googled that and found this book. not going to buy it, but it's astonishing how predictable these men are.

here

hi eveyrone.
I was about to start a thread about my x, asking how on earth you cope with such a bullying and threatening x.
cut a long story short, he had an affair and left, and I wanted him back for a long time. But now I am single, and especially with his behaviour, I can see I was in an abusive relationship. And there was dv involved too, not often or extreme, but enough to make me fear him.
So now he is mucking about with access. In the past month I have suffered aggressive texts, direct threats (that he will kick me in), totally irrational behaviour (that I am using my son against him, when I have NEVER stopped access). He has cancelled access, rearranged access, been late, been (I think) deliberately late bringing ds home. He has told me he wants me back, and stupidly I believed him and kept my life on hold for him, all I am sure to keep me single. Following a recent suicide attempt (I drove him to it apparently. becuase I was getting on with my own life), I have asked for access to be supervised. He has been threatedning me with snatching ds, taking me to court. There is no reasoning with him.
All of this is about control. I can see that now, but I couldnt at the time. I feel such a fool for letting him control me.
It is so great to see you guys out the other side. It is totally shit at the mo. He is bullying and intimidating me. And I am forever the peacemaker, but he tells me (and honestly believes it I think) that I am totally unreasonable.

So, please, how on earth do you cope?

I have detailed everything he has done in a diary - is that enough evidence?

and MASSIVE hugs to op.

ratbunny, ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))) my x used self harm as one of the tools of his controlling tool box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are NOT alone !!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU are NOT a fool.

i couldn't see it till i spent 9 months living away from him. Only seeing him at weekends due to relocation at time!!!!!!

DV / DA is an insidous things the perpetrator grinds you down !!!!!!!

ensure your safety and ds's tell ur solcitor about his threats and the police !!
The Domestic violennce forum in your area should be able to help you!!!!

Never think its your fault !it isn't.

the perpetrator has a choice in their behaviour !!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((ratbunny))))))))))))