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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

This is wrong, right?

38 replies

isthiswrong · 21/10/2008 09:58

I've name changed for this as I have a long running thread going on another subject, and just wanted to share this on it's own merits IYSWIM.

I am a single Mum of 3, having fled domestic abuse and started again. I met someone else, and all seemed to be going well for a while but we split due to his moods and me having to walk on eggshells all the time (been there, done that). There was other stuff but nothing major.

I always felt slightly uncomfortable when he was around my daughter, who's 13...he would walk into her room without knocking etc...but she told me yesterday that one day we were round his house and she had a vest top on with a built in bra, but had a normal bra on too. he asked her why she was wearing a bra with a top that had one built in, and she told him she felt more comfy that way. he then told her to go upstairs and take her bra off and come back down and show him what the top looked like without a bra! Now, to me that screams 'inappropriate'...she's 13, and we've come from a very abusive background...physical as well as sexual and emotional.

Don't get me wrong, we're not together anymore and I've no intentions of getting back with him, but tell me...am I right in thinking and feeling that this should be ringing massive alarm bells? Or has my past coloured my judgement of men?

OP posts:

tessofthedurbervilles · 21/10/2008 13:02

Is it possible to have a go at him or report him for this? It is wrong and my understanding of people who abuse is that they do small things and build up to it...
by challenging him or doing something to put this on record at the very least you are firing him a warning shot about his behaviour and he may actually not have meant anything by it BUT he needs to know its not right.

tigerlili · 21/10/2008 19:08

You are not wrong.
It was definately inappropriate!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Well done for having the strength to walk away and protect your children

Original poster

isthiswrong · 22/10/2008 11:02

Hi all.

He turned up at my house today, thinking he could just take up where we left off. I wasn't brave enough to confront him about the 'issues' I mentioned above, but I told him that I can't be with someone who doesn't embrace all of us together, me and the kids, and that we were going round in circles. He then asked me 'are you saying that the children are more important than me?'...I answered 'Yes, as they should be'...and he got really mad, stormed off shouting 'have a nice life'!!!! WTF???? He's a parent himself and I thought any parent would put their children first! Don't they? I mean, when they're old enough to lead their own lives it's different I guess, but my youngest is only 4!!!!

OP posts:

Sparks · 22/10/2008 11:09

Absolutely right that any decent parent puts their children first. Yet another signal that you did the right thing in getting rid of him.

Original poster

isthiswrong · 22/10/2008 11:23

Thanks Sparks. I was quite shocked that he took such offense at that remark. And I stand by what I said, the children ARE the most important things in my life.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 22/10/2008 11:46

Glad you made your feelings clear to him.

Keep strong - there is no way you can allow this man any further contact with your dc's.

Given that the alarm bells are ringing re; his intentions with your dd, it might be worth having a chat with them (not necessarily going into details) just to explain that you are no longer together and he wont be seeing them any more and to tell you if he tries to approach them when you're not there.

beeny · 22/10/2008 11:51

I agree with sb6699

Original poster

isthiswrong · 22/10/2008 11:51

The DC have told me that he's run out of chances with them (due to his stupid hissy fits every time something doesn't go his way) and that they'll never forgive me if I go back with him again...which I wouldn't anyway!

OP posts:

sb6699 · 22/10/2008 11:55

Smart Kids.

Original poster

isthiswrong · 23/10/2008 09:42

Very smart. I wouldn't have gone back with him anyway, as he made DD1 feel uncomfortable and he just made our lives more turbulent. We've done the walking on eggshells thing with my ExH, and it was hell on earth, and I'm damned if I'm going to do it again.

OP posts:

Janos · 23/10/2008 11:09

I have only read OP and my gut reaction is that his behaviour was very inappropriate.

Go with your gut instinct on this one OP.

cantpickyourfamily · 23/10/2008 11:39

It does sound very strange no man should comment on a childs bra as they are uncomfortable about bras and things at that age and that could embarress them.

But yes that sounds odd to me and it is good that your daughter has shared it with you.

poshbloodencrustedwellies · 25/10/2008 17:09

Sorry,but he may be out of your life and your childs (I think this guy is seriously a groomer on the prowl) but you said he has children of his own,I would be very worried for his children and anyone elses actually.

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