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Help, don't know where to turn

36 replies

stressedmumof1 · 04/03/2005 12:22

Hi i'm new on here and need advice. i've just found out that i'm pregnant and don't know whether to tell the father. i'm already a single mum to a ds whos 4.5, and going through court fighting his dad who wants contact after 3 yrs of nothing. i met somebody and now i'm pg by him, we're not together but still friends he feels he has too much on at work to make a go of a relationship at the mo. i know this is true cos hes been working 75/80 hr weeks. i got pg the first time we slept together and we had used a condom so obviously this isn't planned. after evrything i'm going through with ds father i don't want to end up going through it again with this ones father but i don't know whether i can go on alone even though i do want another baby this isn't the way i had planned please helpxxx

OP posts:
oooggs · 04/03/2005 12:54

Sorry I have no ideas or solutions, but I am bumping this up for you. Good Luck.

lilibet · 04/03/2005 12:58

Bit the same as ooogs really - my heart goes out to you to find yourself in such a horrid position, but I don't know what to suggest. There are so many people on here who will have useful advice for you, and some will post soon.

How many weeks are you?

sweetheart · 04/03/2005 13:11


I don't have experience to share with you but I can give you my opinion - for what it's worth.....

If I were you I would tell the father - a problem shared and all that. I'd let him know that you not asking anything of him apart from his thoughts on the pregnancy. You never know, he might be really supportive or even say he'd like to make a go of things and keep the baby. You can discuss all the options together if you are still friends.

If he says he doesn't want the baby then at least you have given him a chance to be involved and then it's up to you what you want to do.

Just because your ex is a complete sod doesn't mean that this guy will behave the same.

HTH xxxx

HappyMumof2 · 04/03/2005 13:23

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stressedmumof1 · 04/03/2005 14:40

Thanx for the messages
i'm 7/8 weeks now and due to irregular periods and negative tests i've only found out on wed.
not told anyone other than the doctor yet, i just know that people will be disappointed in me all over again.
i'd love to keep the baby even if alone but i'm struggling money-wise as it is.
i also feel that i shouldn't be putting my parents through this again and that i really should know better and not have got myself into this mess
just feeling really down and confused and would appreciate anybodys views whether or not its from personal exp.
Thanx stressedxx

OP posts:
lilibet · 04/03/2005 16:30

If you talk to him, things may seem better, and he should contribute towards the upkeep, whether or not he wants to get involved.

CSA say 15% of earnings for one child.

No one will be disappointed in you and two are not double the trouble of one - honest!

HappyMumof2 · 04/03/2005 16:44

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stressedmumof1 · 04/03/2005 18:30

the bit about you're glad that you're dds father isn't on the scene causing you grief i think thats what i'm worried about. deep down i think it is best for a child to know their father (except in some circumstances (like with my ds)) but on the other hand i don't know whether to just pretend that it isn't his cos of all the s**t i've gone through.
there is also the same thing as you with ds everything you go through with them makes you very close doesn't it? and i don't want to ruin that but on the other hand i think he would love the baby to bits
basically the way i'm thinking now for every pro there's a con and viceversa

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 04/03/2005 19:36

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stressedmumof1 · 04/03/2005 20:50

i think i'm still in shock about the pregnancy. i actually planned a 2nd with ds father but then he went off with someone else (i never felt i could leave him even though from the time i got pregnant with ds he turned into a monster and wasn't really interested in him).
7 weeks after we split i realised i was late and did a test, it was + but within two days i'd started bleeding and did nothing about it(something i know i shouldn't have done). i wasn't upset at the time i think i was relieved cos then he wouldn't have another hold over me. makes me sound awful doesn't it. going off the point again sorry
i think i do want this baby because of losing the previous i should be happy i can still have more. i think its the fact that i'd just started moving on and possibly finding a man willing to take ds on. now i may be back to square 1 but this time with 2 kids
the only support i have is my parents (who yes are great but will be v.v.disappointed) and a few close friends who are married with kids and kids on the way. i don't have too many close friends cos i moved to the area to escape ds father. the reason i've not told my friends yet is that i know they would want me to keep the baby and also one has one on the way already and the other is planning to get pg later in the year.
i have tried getting the father to reply to a message but hes either not there or ignoring me (we use messenger). he is quite a nice guy and wasn't at all bothered when i told him about ds but at the end of the day he could walk away then, if i have his child as well he can't walk away as easily can he???? to make matters worse he told me on wed night that he's applied for a job elsewhere which would probably mean him moving away.
I know that i'm ranting on but i don't want to confide in anyone else yet and MN seems to be quite a good support from what i've seen
Thanx for the help so far

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 04/03/2005 20:58

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HappyMumof2 · 04/03/2005 20:58

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stressedmumof1 · 04/03/2005 21:15

thats the thing i do have feelings for him and i think he does for me (i went and stayed the night last fri) so i would give a relationship a go if he wanted but maybe hes the same as a lot of men and just wants sex i don't know. he has said that if things weren't as hectic at work he couldn't see a reason why it wouldn't work but i don't know if he is using work as an excuse (although i know for sure he is working a lot).
i just don't know how he feels about kids of his own we've never needed to mention it....until now
glad to hear that things have worked out good for you puts some light at the end of the tunnel.
think i'll try sleeping on it tonight see how i feel in the morning xx

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HappyMumof2 · 05/03/2005 20:13

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stressedmumof1 · 05/03/2005 20:33

Hi i'm still confused but turned up at my best mates house last night at 10 and spilled the beans to her stayed there till 2 going through everything with her. she said she will be there for me whatever i decide but i know that she wants me to have the baby, shes already offering her babysitting services!!
i've decided to keep the baby but i'm prepared to do it alone i've still got most the stuff from my ds and also a year old pram (competition win) so money for big things isn't a problem.
I'm still trying to decide whether to tell the father as a matter of fact i'm talking to him now on messenger. got to go and pick something up tomorrow from his place so if i'm feeling brave i might tell him, suppose it'll depend on how i feel at the time.
Not told my parents yet just had to sit through family meal half wanting to tell them but i'm going to wait until i've decided whether or not to tell the father.
Thanx for checking up on me xx

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 05/03/2005 20:34

stressed - tell him. Things will be OK.

HappyMumof2 · 05/03/2005 20:48

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stressedmumof1 · 06/03/2005 15:30

well just to update you i chickened out of telling him and have avoided going round there today, although if i did he'd probably guess, cos i feel and look crap.

I am going to tell him cos even if i break contact with him to avoid it we'll probably see each other in town (i live in a village outside a small town and he lives slap bang in the middle of town) and i'm not going to hide away for the next year so he doesn't see me. I can't do this lying to him wish i could lie to him cos it would make things much easier (on selfish me anyway )

You've all been great thanx, and why didn't i find out about this place before????? i'm sure i'll be coming back on here loads now you can't get rid of me that easily he he

OP posts:
AML · 06/03/2005 15:48

Congratulations stressed.

Personally I think you made the right decision. Hope all goes well when you tell him.

Big hugs


stressedmumof1 · 08/03/2005 22:19

Anyone there?
I've been reading all thats been happening on MN and i just want to say that i've realised how close you all are on here, and i don't want to tread on anyones toes but feel i need to write all this. I'm sat here crying like I have been most of the night since ds went to bed. I'm really down babys father is ignoring me I want to meet him face to face to tell him but he's just ignoring my messages. I've got a meeting with my solicitor about ds father tomorrow and things aren't going great at work. I can't sleep, can't eat and only 2 close friends know that I'm pregnant. I want to tell the father before i tell anyone else but now i'm thinking that the first he should hear about it is a letter off the csa. I'm just being cruel now aren't i??? I don't want to go to the doctors in case ds father tries to use the fact that i'm a bit down against me in court. Just keep asking myself why I got myself into this mess

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 09/03/2005 12:31

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stressedmumof1 · 09/03/2005 15:59

Hi, I'm still feeling rather crap. The messages I've sent to the father have just said that i really need to talk to him but haven't said why but i think he may have guessed and that is the reason that hes ignoring me. I just feel so stupid and down, I just don't know whether to turn up on the doorstep tonight and tell him, if i don't give him notice i'm coming he can't go out to avoid me. Or do i just accept the fact that he would be a useless father anyway if this is how hes behaving now.
Ds father is taking me through court for contact which I've been told will be granted anyway because it is the childs right to know his father, doesn't matter that ds used to scream everytime he saw him. Although my solicitor has said today that she wants more reports etc before doing anything else. I'm even starting to consider an abortion so that all this goes away but i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be able to go through with it cos its not what i really want. I'd also have to watch one of my best mates go through pregnancy at the same stage as i would be (shes 3 weeks ahead of me).I got a babysitter lined up for tonight if i need her but i can't make my mind up about going one minute i feel i should go cos it can't make things work and the next i don't think i should.
I keep thinking how low i'm feeling and i just want to cry and cry, i know this is mostly down to hormones though
any advice would be really appreciated right now xx

OP posts:
TheVillageIdiot · 09/03/2005 16:18

HI stressedmum, have just seen your thread. Sorry I've no real advice but as a single mum I know how hard it can be.

Hope things look better soon {hugs}

HappyMumof2 · 09/03/2005 16:33

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Beetroot · 09/03/2005 17:11

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