Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Better to leave my exWife and our children to their own devices?

116 replies

exDH · 30/09/2008 01:13

Any single mums able to comment?

What I mean is I'd rather get away from my xwife than see my kids (sometimes)- the only way to get away from her is to not see them....

They are 6 and 7 - I guess she'd be within her rights to stop me seeing them when I come back ?

OP posts:

Yurtgirl · 03/10/2008 23:19

exDH - I think that the fact that you responded to each and every mnetter who shared their story/opinion with you shows a really thoughtful aspect of you. It must of taken you ages!

If you can take that much care and attention and time for your own kids - even if you are not living with them, I think they will be fortunate kids indeed

mumonthenet · 05/10/2008 00:38

exdh - I thought the same thing yurtgirl, - exdh is a kind and very well mannered guy.

But listen exdh - make sure you take care of yourself and unload on here whenever you want.

Let us know what's going well, and not so well. Love those kids of yours! They need you so much.

Original poster

exDH · 06/10/2008 16:36

Aaaah thanks you two!!

Xenia - YES! you're right, that would turn society on it's head in a good way!!

Rachel G - I'm really sorry about your brother. My half brother also killed himself at about the same age, I'm not sure if it was related to my father abandoning them but from my own feelings I'm sure it had a part to play. I hope you and yor baby (toddler?) are doing ok now, that must have been really difficult moving out when you were still in love with the father...

OP posts:

taken4granted · 06/10/2008 18:16

If your kids mean that much to you dont see them and let them grow up and know their father (note the word father not dad big hint there) is a big fat cowards - I hate my ex shithead but on the rare occasions hes seen my dd I have to be sweetness and light in front of her for her sake - she's 7 and had a shitty time of it all and doesnt need to seeany more crap to cock up her life - get over yourself grow some balls and be a bloody man - or walk away your choice - but you have to live with the consequences.

Original poster

exDH · 06/10/2008 20:48

OK ! OK ! fuckinell! I was only TALKING about my feelings that my boys might be better off without me!!

OP posts:

Heated · 06/10/2008 21:14

My Dad was not a good husband and ppl sometimes wonder why I speak so fondly/with love about him. The answer: because he was still a good Dad. He was, and is, a reassuring constant in my life; someone whose intelligence and viewpoint I really value and, for my own self-identity, I recognise some of my traits in him, such as our shared sense of humour.

To exDH, your boys deserve that constant too in their lives. It's to you they'll look to show them how to be a man. And there will be so much pleasure in taking that journey with them. You have 2 life-long friends in the making. Don't duck out on them.

mumonthenet · 06/10/2008 22:17

OK, ex dh, 107 messages later - what are your thoughts now?

pombear · 06/10/2008 22:41

I am a 'lurker', only posting occasionally. But I feel moved to reply...my relationship broke down when my child was very young. it was difficult, and many times I have felt like my child would be better off without me...and I am the mum. Over the last few years, what has helped me through the bad times is that everything I have done is for their benefit...and that includes an adult agreement to when both of us see our child. We have an equal amount of time. My child does not belong to me only, though I wished dearly sometimes that that was the case. It has benefited my child extremely, even though times I could have gathered them in my arms and run for the hills. See The Prophet. They live through us, not part of us. To become true shared parents is difficult, you need to put away ill feelings, sadness and thoughts of revenge. I wish you all the best. No child benefits from not seeing one of their parents, in most cases, sparing violence etc. Put away thoughts of your own mental state. You will, in the end, thank yourself for doing so. My child is all the more settled, happy, and sure of themselves for it. A good parent doesn't necessarily equate to a good partner, and I hope that your ex realises that (and you!) and allows you to remain a committed parent. There is so much hate and spite in the world of ex's....believe me, I could have added to it, but the halt on doing that was my child. Breathe, believe in yourself and your abilities as a father, and pursue them for the future of your child.
End of post - back to the shadows for me!!

lostdad · 06/10/2008 22:48

We love you really exDH. Sort yourself out though, matey.

glitterfairy · 07/10/2008 08:11

Dont go pombear that was a great post.

My three kids are all different but I know that the decision not to se their dad has affected the two eldest. They made that decisions based on his behaviour and whilst violence played its part one of the problems for them was his refusal to do his part as their father (not paying his way and never being there for them always too busy or working), He let them down once too often and as I said was violent towards them and they have voted with their feet.

My youngest has decided to stick with him but the way she sometimes speaks about him is heartbreaking. She doesnt trust that he will be there for her and knows he lies and lets her down.

Whatever your reasons for thinking about not seeing your kids it is not how they will interpret them and your x will probably interpret it differently from you as well. You sound like a good guy so show your kids that you are too.

SmugColditz · 07/10/2008 08:18

they need you more than you need to run away.

you have a responsibility to the children you have raised.

if you run off to 'heal', they will never forget your abandonment, and they will carry it with them, thinking they weren't good enough to be worth staying for, their whole lives

so sure, run away, go 'heal', go pretend you never had them - don't kid yourself that this isn't a purely selfish act though. there is nothing in it for your kids at all. it's all about you.

pombear · 08/10/2008 00:51

Ok glitterfairy, you've got me. Another post...scary after almost eight years undercover as a lurker!!! Thanks to Mumsnet and all posters who have got me through miscarriage, colic, sleepless nights, and separation, through visiting this site and listening quietly to all of your posts and advice. My advice holds no great experience or wisdom, but smugcolditz, and all those with harsh words...as women, we know that there is little opportunity to walk away, so it's not an option. As an extremely committed mum, who loves their child dearly I have still moved through times over the last few years where I have wondered whether my sadness, fears, and crap way of dealing with separation has benefitted them, and in the darkest hours, wondered whether they would be better off without me. That's the darkest hours....when we can go online and voice our worst fears. For some reason, the lone parents forum does seem to isolate fathers, as most of us are mums, and so our own prejudices and experiences inform our responses. Let's not rip with emotional responses...I'm sure several mums here can identify with the feeling that removing ourselves from the situation would help...even though we know, in reality, that wouldn't help. That's the joy of anonynous online 'pondering'...we can express our darkest fears and worries. Do we need to attack those who express theirs? To all those wondering and pondering....it's a crap journey, it does get easier, but usually leaves a painful mark that we're always dealing with, whether female or male. If we can put the children first in all of this storm, we will look back and say, 'we did the best we could'. x

mumonthenet · 08/10/2008 22:03

wow, pombear, a pity Mumsnet has had to get by without you for eight years. Hope you stay.

You are most articulate and sincere, which (I sometimes think) is difficult when you're typing into a little box.

And exdh, where are you; how are things?

tigerlili · 08/10/2008 22:04

A neutral party pickin up and droppin off, was the ONLY way to go for me. my x was an abusive man.

i realise he is ds's dad and that is a different ball game!!!

I am filled with anger and hate , but avoid confrontations via the above method and text.

Dunno if that helps.

CapricaSix · 09/10/2008 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterfairy · 09/10/2008 22:39

Glad I lured you back stay and dont lurk you have much wisdom to impart.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5