Better to leave my exWife and our children to their own devices?

[exDH]

Any single mums able to comment?

What I mean is I'd rather get away from my xwife than see my kids (sometimes)- the only way to get away from her is to not see them....

They are 6 and 7 - I guess she'd be within her rights to stop me seeing them when I come back ?

I do read your posts.

I read your posts too

but don't really see the balanced view you claim to put across

you do not need to see yuor wife in order to have a relationship with your children.

yes it would be better for all coincerned if you could both grow up and place your children first but if that is nt possible then there are alternatives.

if you came here for a big pat on the back for being a coward i really dont think Mumsnet was the place to start.

Thanks a lot for all your responses, I am touched by your thoughtfulness...

Yerblert - I feel for you and admire your resolve and caring commitment.

Purple One - you made me think.

Arfishy and Anorak you are more or less right but is it possible that I'm less able to deal with the pain than you? Sounds lame I know...

Akhems, I will try not to do that even on a small scale. Thanks and I hope your life is ok now.

BUDA, I accepted why my dad was never part of my life - he simply was unable to be a father. However I was well into my 20's before realising this. Thanks for the thoughtful advice, you are spot on I should try to be a better person especially in relation to this - e.g being there for the boys is rising above it rather than losing even more to the xw.

ZOOKEEPER - I assume you are friends with rnb.

1066 I am sorry for you. That sounds very painful and difficult I hope your ex starts to see your boys soon, thankyou.

Thankyou FioFio, but everyone is entitled to fire from the waste just as I blurted my problem.....you're right as well, I know the answers it's the day to day application that is the problem.

Tribpot, you may be right - I guess the powerlessness would tie in with being a typical male control freak? I am determined to do better than that, thanks.

Lostdad, you have my sympathy that is awful. Out of all the responses yours has made me feel the most guilty you must be out of your mind with anguish. I should definitely count myself lucky that the xw has not yet disapperaed with the boys..good luck to you

LittleBella, thanks for your caring comments

Moondog - I meant that I love being with the boys but the pain that I am in seems unbearable and won't go away unless I go to the north pole for a few months?

Piratecat, I feel for you - I hope thatyou are in less pain now, thankyou.

Poppyfox, I have to laugh alittle since my wife left and plunged me into a very difficult financial situation. Lets just say that she was demanding a total rework (which I couldn't afford but did) of the house or she wouldn't move in...all the while she was planning to abscond with the boys and her lover

Misi, the hot coals are a permanent companion, they are in my gut and my heart most of the time - I would prefer to crawl over them but thanks.

I can see why my xw used to spend so long on here now, I feel like I have had some counselling!

All of you are right in part if not whole.

I honestly believe that my sons are better off seeing me once I have healed. 10 years is a long time to spend in love with someone only to find that every moment was a lie and that every dream was yours alone.

The worst thing was finding months worth of love letters starting from a 'girls' holiday in Barcelona whilst I looked after the boys. Towards the end she started to describe how she would slip away with the boys and live with this guy - luckily or unluckily he went back to Australia at that point (he was the brother of xw and my best mutual friend).

Every single female friend of hers has been involved in her cover ups of numerous flings. Most of them I considered friends, I now know that you have no way of knowing what your wife or girlfriend is up to because girls are LOYAL!!

I have been there for the boys since birth, changing nappies, playing,teaching and spending more time with ds1 than xw in the early days. All this sounds a bit like self pitying bullshit and I know that there are many many people that have been through worse relationships.....sorry to those of you in that situation.

I'm going to try dropping down to having them one weekend every fortnight instead of every weekend and tuesdays.

I think I'll wait til they are 18 before dropping out...(temporarily! )

exdh, how long have you been divorced?

the pain you describe sounds very raw.

you must have been devastated.

Do you want to see your boys less because they remind your of your loss?

Or do you feel you're no fun to be around?
That they will somehow suffer from the pain you feel?

Can you get some other family members over when they're staying with you so the pressure's not all on you?

So sorry, but it will get better. Please keep posting.

{{{{hugs}}}}}

rather than disappearing for months how about just getting away for a couple of weeks?

i can sort of see where you are coming from. a friend of mine has 3 children who she doesn't see. they live with their dads and whenever she went to visit they would never want to spend time with her. their dads had filled their heads with negative attitudes towards her and they would always ignore her when she went to visit and go out to play with their friends so she would be left trying to make small talk with their dads and their families. in the end she stopped going cos it hurt too much and they didn't want to see her anyway

but your boys do presumably want to see you so you should do that.

Glad I made you think exdh.

I got divorced in 2000, been a single mum for 8 years now. My exh has remarried and my girls are now 13 and 11.
Those kids may remind you of what you once had, BUT IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT!
Those kids of yours will help you heal if you have healthy contact with them. You don't need to see exw. Get a mate over to help with contact if you need to.
Do things with them an it will keep your mind occupied.

Also, get some counselling, it sounds like you need it.

Seriously, in all of the 8 years I've been divorced, and exh has remarried...and all the times I feel like caving thier heads in, I've never stopped contact. It's up to my girls to make that decision, not me. He hardly pays me money, so yeah, the bitterness is there, watching them all go off on exotic holidays we can't afford...but the girls will always see him.

It really does get better. It truly does. Give yourself some time to heal, but don't ever give up on those kids of yours. They need you.

It sounds like your exw has treated you really badly. I do feel for you.

However I still feel that cutting back on contact with your boys won't actually help anyone. You will end up feeling guilty. Your relationship with them will become more distant as you are less involved with the day to day stuff. Please don't cut back on seeing them. They need you. They need the consistency and they need your love. It is really hard right now but it will get easier. Promise.

Don't do this!

However tough it is for you to see your exwide, your are an adult and your dcs are children.

You have a responsibility to them that decent people don't ditch.

My late dh's father did this. All of his son's grew up to utterly dispise him for being a spineless twat. And MIL did nothing to alientate him with the boys.

When their 'Father' died my BIL saidm 'I'll only go to the funeral to make sure that the bastard is really dead'

and TBH the man deserved it. Yu don't want that do yo?

No, don't cut back contact. How would you feel if you ended up losing your relationship with your boys as well as your xw? How on earth will you explain that you want to see them less? Kids aren't daft - they may well feel it's their fault and it isn't.

Get some counselling, some help, come on here, whatever you need to do to help you deal with this from your perspective, but don't mess around with the contact. Those boys need a Dad as well as a Mum.

Agree with Surfermum. The boys need a dad. YOU are their dad. Not whoever your x is living with. You may well be playing into her hands by reducing contact.

It may be painful for you now but reducing contact with your boys will be painful for them FOREVER.

Try and get some counselling to help you deal with the hurt and anger.

As others have suggested maybe get a friend or relative to act as intermediary for pickups and drop-offs for a little while.

And remember - it is in your hands to be the better person. Just keep thinking of your boys. Think forward - a close relationship with regular contact and being involved in their lives OR reduced contact leading to more and more distance and possibly ending up as virtual strangers. You don't want that do you?

Cant you cut back contact with her not them?

I dont see my X ever and I dont even talk on email to him these days.

In the beginning he used to ring on the doorbell for the kids and I would send them out without talking. There is no reason to talk to your x wife. I dont understand why it isnt possible for your boys to simply be sent outside to you when you arrive.

Drop them back off and see them in and leave.

My hides from me - she sends her mum (although that's not surprising - I don't think she ever broke free from her parents properly).

It would be in your sons' best interests to see you and your ex cooperating and actively working together for their benefit, exDH.

I worry my son will grow up believing trying to bully people (via email, solicitors letters, etc.) and passive aggression are acceptable ways to behave as he will realise that is what his mother does.

Like I said before - be the kind of parent you would have wanted.

Lost Dad, are you my x? That's what he says when my Mum does handovers. Although why a woman should 'break free' from her family is not 100% clear to me.

exh, Sorry I missed your fourth post where you realised that it would be madness to give up on your sons.

If you are my ex Poppyfox, I'd like to say `Look - can we call a truce on all this nonsense and get on working together for our child's benefit? Call me. I won't bite your head off and you could probably do without this as much as I could'.

And I mean the above sincerely.

Why a woman should break free' from her family is the same reason a man should (and of course, what you mean by break free'. I always thought that having married my ex, she was the first person I would talk to, side with, defend, think of, rely on. And vice versa - but I was very much mistaken. I was told (verbally) her parents were more important to her than I would ever be.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable...or should look for women whose parents are dead.

Wouldn't it be very weird if you were each other's ex lostdad and poppyfox???

But even if not maybe reading the other's point of view will give you both some insight in how your x is thinking/feeling.

I was thinking the same thing Buda! If she were my ex, I would love to think it would be the start of a normalisation of a dire situation.

The problem I've had since my ex left is the total refusal to have any discussion whatsoever concerning our son. Nearly every problem can be resolved by talk, interaction and compromise - but if one side refuses, the problem is frozen and stays where it is.

Sorry to hijack this thread...

ExDH - welcome to mumsnet! Did you think we were all harpies when your ex was online with us? I think most men do, but actually we're probably much more realistic than most real life friends.

You do sound a bit happier, and I'm pleased you're not going to walk away from your boys.

DP (we've been together for 12 years but he won't get married again after the fall-out from his ex-wife) had a hideous time with his ex-wife - she repeatedly accused him of violence and called the police, dragged them all through courts etc - After 12 years I can honestly say I have never once seem him be violent. Never once. From family folklore i gather that she was the one who was violent and with their divorce she was just being a cow. DP was in the navy and was serving on the Sir Galahad when it went down. He has seen a lot and I can honestly say the picture she painted to the court (and dragged her 5 and 11 year old through) is a very different one to what I know.

Despite the lies and the grief and losing everything DP stuck with the boys. They are now 17 and 23. The eldest has just graduated with a first from university and is coming out to live with us in Australia. The second is about to start his degree. They are both happy, successful boys who have good relationships with both parents.

I hope you can get over the hurt (and DP suffered for a long time) and move forward with your boys like DP managed.

Oh, and as his 'new' partner, and somebody who inherited those children - they are very, very special to me, even now they're nearly grown up. I had the best years of my life with them [aside from my own motherhood of course!].

As someone said this could be the start of normalisation
Don't know your story but by focussing on your relationship with the boys rather than the non-relationship with your wife might in the long run mean that your relationship with her improves. I don't mean that you would get back together(that scenario is dead), but it could be one based on a new mutual trust which has its roots in the fact that you are both being the parents that you should be and are putting the nurturing of your boys' first and the love you both have for them could be the foundation of a true friendship. In time.
Good luck!

There's a lot there which proves you're not my ex - although she told me I had `forfeited the right' to be my son's father too.

I wish I could afford the flash car for starters...

If I get a chance in the next few days I think I will type a `reply' to my ex.

Why does she reckon you have forfeited the right to be a father?

Just trying to help you figure it out. Not having a go here at all. Last thing I have the energy for, I can assure you.

1066 that Australian idea sounds interesting. My son might ask for a fire engine Do you have a website with more information about that ?

poppyfox, my mother left my father when I was 2 because he was a violent alcoholic. Back then the benefits for single mothers were even worse and she had nothing - I have to tell you that my childhood was extremely happy, all the best stuff is free. Ok life is definitely easier with money but look, walking to school instead of driving is a GREAT habit for them to get into with all the long term health benefits that come with regular excercise.

Back then I may have whined about wanting something and I can even remember making my mother cry by sulking when she couldn't buy something but I was happy, I look back with happiness and now that as an adult I understand what she did I am filled with admiration and love for her.